Everyone Knows Pizza is Better Than Tacos

“Like you’re the epitome of consideration and genteel, Mr. Darcy,” Isabel glowered at him, meanwhile the kuriboh was voicing its displeasure at Dartz’s insults.

“La La, motherf*cker!”

“Thank you, Kuriboh, you can go now.”

In a small huff, the little fur ball disappeared. “Okay, so you’re not going to take anything I give you, that’s fine.” She sat across from the man, crossing her arms. “But I got nothing else to do, and as you stated earlier, neither do you. I’ll be honest, you’re not the worst company to be around. At least it’s entertaining to be around you.”

Dartz let out a large cackle.

“Well, honey, I’d consider getting a new wardrobe before even trying to fuck me. You need something a little more, me, don’t you think?”

He looked down at his current outfit, a white dress shirt accented with a maroon cardigan, black and red striped bow tie, and matching suspenders, holding up his tight khaki pants.  

“And can’t you like hold your breath or use magic to change your hair color to mine, handsome.”

Leviathan roared in Dartz’s mind, something about not seducing him, but he failed to listen. He enjoyed playing hard to get.

Dartz let out a loud spluttering sound that morphed into a crazed laugh. “A-pfffffft hahahahaha! More you? Motherfucker, I AM YOU. In fact, I know you own at least five copies of this suit.”

He knew he was ruining his chances of living out his greatest kink in the near future, but Dartz would not debase himself to fuck anyone, not even himself. Plus, he had a team of scientists whose main job was to finally figure out how to successfully clone a human being. He’d had a group dedicated to this since the whole cloning phase had begun. And even if this generation couldn’t figure it out, Dartz was capable of being a patient man when it truly counted, and he knew that eventually humans would crack the code. Ten thousand years of life tended to give a fellow perspective on these things.

“The only time I change my outfit for someone is if I’m putting on less! I am not going to dress myself differently for some hipster going through some kind of identity crisis, unless I’m stripping naked and am only wearing a newspaper boy hat and some black socks.

“Besides. Do you know how many people wish they had hair that could change like this? There are millions who would strangle a puppy if it meant they could get the perfect pastel purple without having to bleach the fuck out of their hair and use a bathroom cabinet of product to maintain.”

To prove his point, his hair turned a shade of the perfect pastel purple. All he needed was the perfect flower crown to complement it. “I mean. Shit, man. I thought fucking your clone was the ultimate testament of narcissism--and I knew that guy! But no. You gotta take it an extra step and try negging your clone.  And I thought I was conceited. Shit, man. So here’s what we’re going to do. You’re going to sit your happy ass in front of a mirror and beat off to your reflection, since clearly that’s the only thing that’s going to please you. I’m going to go home, drop some acid, stare at my hair in the mirror because drugs give it a little extra oomph, and then I’m going to bounce on Raphael’s dick until I’m good and tuckered out, and then sleep for twelve to sixteen hours. Aka, my regular Friday night. Maybe I’ll order some Chinese in between some of those steps.”

“Shit”

Did he just say what he thought he said. This coincidence was just a mis-translation from Atlantean to English. Dartz’s brain full of sassy roasts had come to a halt, therefore creating a reply of,

“NO! I didn’t mean that!”

Suddenly, Leviathans overpowered screeches made him cringe.

“When I said to go fuck yourself, I didn’t mean it this way! Don’t fuck this kinky loser!” Leviathan hissed.

Ignoring the boisterous roaring in his head, Dartz began to panic. Deciding whether to fuck his duplicate was a complicated decision. He was a good looking man, besides his rainbow colored hair and he had an odd way of speaking. But, Dartz really loved himself. If given the chance, Dartz would fuck a clone of himself with icy blue hair and more fashion sense than one purple suit.

“I mean, I wouldn’t fuck you now or in  ten thousand years.” Dartz said confidently, “Unless you meet a few special conditions,” he whispered.

Dartz blinked, the grin on his face immediately changing into a frown. “Heeeeeey. ‘Special conditions?’ What the fuck are you talking about, man? You should be jumping up and down for joy. Do you even know how many people wish they could fuck their clone? Believe me, a lot. What the fuck are you going on about, ‘special conditions?’ What do you even mean?”

Dartz heard the Leviathan roar in his ears, but this time it sounded a lot like laughter.

@last-king-of-paradise

Dartz slapped his other hand against the wall, closing his doppelganger in. “Hey, man. Thanks to the invention that is the air conditioning unit, there are only three...no, four instances where I willingly work up a sweat, and only one can be considered physical. Well, maybe another could, but that depends on how extreme you’re being. ANYWAY. Fighting is physical, man, and... Wait. Did you say you want me to fuck you?”

He grinned, sending a small prayer to the Leviathan that his greatest kink could come true.

“’Cause I wanna score, heheh! With chicks! Heh, and uh, be all powerful or something.”

last-king-of-paradise replied to your post: What is your greatest sexual fantasy?

K lets do it //this wasnt my ask but I had to reply//

Oh give him the strength. Why was he giving this crazy man even a moment of his time? Oh right, business…though the longer he remained here the more he felt that his time was wasted. “…Yeah right ten thousand years…cause you’re some type of God or something” he sighed as he pulled himself up to his feet, listening to the insanity that continued to fall from his mouth. Sure. Kaiba agreed with him on that one point. Humans were indeed stupid and Dartz was proving it all by himself. “Far much easier to take advantage of when they can’t thing for themselves” Kaiba smirked ever so slightly, “I’m quite used to dealing with idiots. I am right now after all”. He was not about to sit here and listen to yet another loon who was going to insist that they were thousands of years old - and this one was claiming to be even older… what next? Was a dinosaur about to fall from the sky? At this rate he doubted he would be surprised anymore…

By liking this, you agree that it’s okay for me to

Send you memes

Send you IC asks

Tag you in starters

Talk with you OOC

My muse cannot tell a lie. Ask them anything