I absolutely hate that I contemplate suicide every time Nick and I get into big fights. Shit eats me up inside, makes my blood boil, gets me heated. No words to express how helpless I feel whenever he talks to me the way he does and I can't do anything about it. Screaming won't do shit. Punching won't do shit. I hate how I always wanna hurt myself. Is it really that bad? I mean how upset do I get for me to squeeze my head and wanna take a gun and shoot myself. Why do I let words get to me like that? Do words really hurt? Would I rather get physically beat than have someone make me feel worthless with their words? Of course. Words you just can't forget. Why do you think we quote people. I'm a good girlfriend right? I try my hardest to not get in the way of things. I try my hardest to make him happy. To let him do the things he wants to do. I had to learn to bite my tongue. I just hate this relationship and everything I put into it. I'm no longer happy. I hate that I love him so much but at the same time hate him so much. I hate that I'm still here and taking this shit up the ass. I hate that whenever I speak up, I'm "nagging". I hate that I can't communicate with my own boyfriend of two years. I hate how I have to beg for an apology just to make myself feel better. I beg for an apology just to prove to myself that he's still a good guy. I beg for an apology bc I'm making him the guy I WANT him to be. He doesn't wanna apologize. He doesn't feel bad. He actually doesn't give a fuck about your feelings. Bc "it's small shit". Everything is small shit. What is a big deal to you then? Please let me know so we can actually communicate. I'm sick of crying over you being a dick. If it weren't for Brody, we would have been separated a long time ago. If I didn't have family, I would be gone by now. But I have people to live for. I can't kill myself. As much as I want to, I so badly wanna kill myself to prove that WORDS HURT. I can't. I have a dog that lives for me. I have my grandparents, my brother, my parents. Baby Jax, Porter and Cade. I have people who I would never want to hurt. I just can't..
germansingergirl
izzy806
blakekathryn
romaincrisis
theartofmadeline
