It Will Be Okay

I wish I had someone…

to look for their name when my phone lights up,

to share mundane photos throughout the day,

to grow,

learn,

and lay with.

but

I have no desire to feel broken

But then I give someone a chance.

To fall so quickly

I can handle anything.

Except,

The one that does everything for everyone

The one no one notices.

When anyone needs anything I am there,

They can always count on me,

But I know

I don't have the same luxury.

And if I speak up and express how I feel,

I'm a nag no one wants to hear.

I am always used and needed as a must

I want someone

But, I don't have another heartbreak in me.

I don't have another disclaimer of of what it is to be with me.

I don't need another boy playing "hero" thinking he's "saving" me from my trauma.

I want a man that accepts my trauma and loves me because of it.

A man that sees my jagged edges and scars and never makes me feel like I need to apologize for them.

Until I find this

I'd rather be lonely

Then again feel guilty for my partner being with me.

There are boys that will read this and think 'I can be that man'

Because boys romanticize broken women

And don't understand that we don't want to be loved despite our scars but because of them.

A boy sees our scars as something that needs to be healed,

A man understands our scars are part of us.

Now I have the training and knowledge but you can't help people who don't want it

Now I have the skills to help but all I can do is watch my family implode around me.

I want to leave but my sister has a daughter now.

I can't leave knowing I'm leaving her.

I have dreams of someone falling in love with me.

I want a friend, a lover, a partner