life, i guess?

wow i momentarily forgot tumblr existed

coming back to my scale after not weighing myself for two weeks is like opening unlabeled gates in the afterlife. its uncertain what will be the outcome but its most likely heaven or hell

i hate when im out doing something and i suddenly remember that other people can actually see and perceive me.

sometimes, i doubt that i am asexual because i do get horny and i jerk off to porn and i find people attractive (im not sure if i find them attractive sexually). but heres the thing, i have absolutely no desire to ever engage in any sexual activity with another person. (i may be kinky with people, but that side of me is completely nonsexual.) i am not disgusted by sex in the slightest. i simply do not wish to have sex with anyone. but then again, i start thinking about it and its not that im opposed to the idea of sex or anything. so i wonder if i just decided to have sex on a whim (like a hookup or something) then would i be fine with doing it?

there are so many different people in this world. these people can look at the exact same things yet perceive it as complete opposites. it astonishes me sometimes how we are not constantly in a state of disarray

I think i “fall” for people a little too easily. not quite in the romantic sense, but when i am in the “ily lets be together forever (platonically)” stage, theyre in the “i met this stranger a week ago” mindset. i get attached quickly, and i am easily susceptible to “falling in love at first sight (platonically)”. however, i am also prone to discarding people like used toys. i rarely have a friend for more than a couple months at most (and a week or two at the smaller end of the spectrum). the only friends i have that are longer than that are people who either insert themselves into my life or people im practically forced to be with. for example, my longest standing friendship (of 6ish years) had a 2-3 year break in the middle and is only kept alive via my friends persistent online contact with me. the only other friends i have are from school, and since i just graduated, i will most likely lose contact with them.

i appreciate ads. i really do. they remind me that truly everything is temporary. when im listening to a playlist i love and an ad comes on, im reminded that i should be grateful for my music and my earbuds (even though they suck sometimes) and for the fact that i havent blown out my eardrums with loud music yet. when im exercising along with a YouTube video, im grateful that the ads grant me an unplanned break. i even appreciate the ads i get from random missionaries who want to share the gospel with me (even though i am a: not religious whatsoever and b: not sure how they even got my phone number) because it reminds me that everyone leads a different live with different views of the world. where was i going with this? oh yeah. appreciate the little things, like ads.

names don’t really matter unless you have someone that will call you by that name

wake up at 8, lie in bed till 10, get something to eat, go back to my room, lie back down, look at my messy room, use my phone for a couple hours, get something to eat, sit on the couch, use my phone for a couple of hours, get something to eat, go back to my room, lie back down, use my phone for a couple of hours, realize it’s 9, use my phone of a couple of hours, get tired, turn off the lights, use my phone for one more hour, pass out sometime after midnight, repeat.

currently reading yaoi in the dentists office. should i ask them to put it on the overhead tv?

wow not worrying about getting into university is amazing. im so glad im taking a gap year. i have a whole year to relax. (Except for the fact that the university I want to go to has a full-ride scholarship available for students (even if they take a (maximum one-year) gap year), and the application is due in November. Additionally, I only achieved a 1200 on the SAT when I took it a couple years ago, so I’ll have to retake the SAT, aiming to achieve a 1450+ because I’ve already marked myself as non-test-optional.)

i got permission for a gap year. im so excited to wait a year before college.

i have to go to bed early so i can wake up early so i can exercise early so i can shower early because i hate to take showers later than 09:25 and i prefer to shower after i get sweaty but i cant exercise before i shower if i dont wake up before 07:30 but i havent woken up before 07:30 recently because i dont go to bed early and i dont go to bed early because sleeping is hard

ok this might be stupid but i feel like its always a deeper yet rougher (like rough on the edges) relationship when two men who happen to fall in love with each other date. (as opposed to when two men who have a preference towards men date) like theyre already both tops and they have to sort that out, theyve never imagined themselves with a man before because its just HIM and its only (so far) HIM. his gender doesnt matter in the face of love, making the relationship deeper, but its the first for everything so its quite rough around the edges. or at least thats what i think as a speculative bystander.

honestly i love just writing a whole paragraph thats probably over sharing and also contains a bunch of run-on sentences but i prefer reading like the one sentence revelation type shit so imma try and do that.