Beginnings

Looking for trouble? You’ve found the right place!

This is a blog that is best read with the thought in mind that this is a written representation of the mind of a DID system. We switch fluidly and have conversations in our mind, and this is reflected in our posts. Many different alters write on this blog, and so, there will be a lot of differing viewpoints that contradict each other. As is the nature of having DID.

It might be weird to read at first, but this way of writing really is natural to us. It isn’t scripted and it isn’t forced. It’s our natural flow of thought. Please respect that! We share our conversations for fun, and also, maybe, to show others that it's okay to be yourselves! We hope that maybe they'll be informative in some aspect!

I'm assuming you have a good understanding of DID if you’ve found yourself here, so I’ll now explain my way of living with it.

My viewpoint differs from many professionals (which I am not!), I do not see my DID as wrong or as something that needs to be subdued. I switch in my day to day life, and I do so comfortably, I remain functional, and I live without a host. We are a hostless system, and have been for a number of years. We’re quite happy that way! It’s taken some work to keep organised, but it’s been worth it in my opinion.

We’re an introject-heavy system, but weren’t so originally. The majority of the system mates running this blog are factual introjects. This means they’ve based their identities around real people. It’s very real to them. I know how it looks, but we’re very connected to those identities on a personal level. It goes deeper than personality traits or appearance. We live wanting to embody their mannerisms, their way of life, learn the languages they speak, and so on. Our personal trauma stories are looked through a narrative lens, and we lean heavily on that.

For example, rather than saying “I was sexually abused as a child and was made to perform for them”, I say, “I am an idol. I love my fans. I’ve been through various hardships, but I love my job.”

Please very much respect the fact that it isn’t roleplay and it is a real way we think of ourselves and our experiences. Our trauma memories are repressed deep, so we developed our identities with these stories to process the memories in a more indirect way that doesn’t involve directly remembering. We’ve been able to make sense of our experiences this way and are slowly putting the pieces together. Be kind. Consider it an allegory.

We should put effort into post formatting. Making it pleasant to look at and read.

We should start by writing about our various themes and explaining why they exist and the feelings about them.

We should explain our personal stories and introduce ourselves as alters.

We should explain alter behaviours and what they achieve through them.

I like this idea.

And then we should write about our inner world and the purpose it serves.

Help us by sending good signals, and not erratic signals.

Make sure each post has a specific topic in mind.

Explain things in detail. Lets stop letting our posts and blog in general get derail.

A lot of things are out of context and therefore only make sense to us.

I'd say stop bothering with speaking about personal experiences unless you explain it in detail.

Our life is not a story.

Our life is not a fairytale.

Everyone thinks it is.

But my life is far from the dream come true that everyone portrays it to be.

There's always something else hidden underneath.

Anyway. Starting today we are going to blog properly and thoughtfully.

Lets make posts that others would find helpful to read. And lets stop trying to get at each other when we don't like what the other says.

Explain your different side of the story thoughtfully instead.

Jeez. That music video was so blatant, wasn't it? You know the one I'm talking about. (It's not 𝐖𝐚𝐲𝐕's).

So blatant! So blatant!

A love song with an anime music video. Pulling at the heartstrings there. Self-written song. Ah yes. Look at that. I feel even more in love with you now!

For real. It was never meant to be! What are you even doing!

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It might be a coincidence.

That song was in production for a long time.

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It ! Might I say you !

Ugh! I feel ... suddenly unwell.

What even! What even is with you! What is with you!

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I wonder if you think you don't have a chance here.

Is that why you're mad? Everyone liked the instrumental of the song. Therein, loving my song makes me more liked ending in a deeper trust between us. Isn't that a good thing? You achieved the same thing, didn't you?

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She watched my past concert. That was how we established trust. It wasn't like releasing a new song and making her feel like it was written for her.

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We aren't doing it to .....

Look. Is it really bad to do that?

I just like promoting her musical interests to the masses.

I know you feel weird about it. But I like giving them my favour. I think it was a good move.

'Team Concord' makes us sound like a gamer league or something.

The guy in our head hates our idol introjects. He wants them gone and says it would be embarrassing for him to talk to us and interact with us. He hates that we're idols.

He wants us to be a front-locked host only system. He wants that so he never has to talk to any of our alters or watch us switch in front of him or in public.

He hates that we identify as male and wants us to be a girl.

He wants us to be in love with him and be his girlfriend. He wants us to fulfill his kinks.

He wants us to quit our job.

He wants us to "live with him."

The therapist definitely said things in therapy that influenced how alters took form. More specific personality traits than specific identities.

When littles came out in therapy, rather than talking to them, she'd do an inner world visualisation exercise to get rid of them.

One of these exercises was putting a child alter in a cozy room with a squishmallow. We now have an alter that apparently identifies with that squishmallow.

Algorithmic feeds and seeing certain ideas or things on them over and over for a long period of time influenced our alters. We were under constant stress at the time and had no feeling of safety.

Astral projection is a recurring fear used in our system to make us feel like someone is controlling us and has power over our mind using that.

ᴠᴛᴜʙᴇʀ aspirations were a planted idea in our mind from seeing videos over and over on our feed for months about becoming a ᴠᴛᴜʙᴇʀ. To the point that we formed ᴠᴛᴜʙᴇʀ introjects to protect us from this idea. I personally want to protect them from that life and any negative attention they would get. I don't really want that for them.

More on the 'astral projection', a guy in our head comes and asserts control. He gives orders and tells us what we should be. And what we shouldn't be. He wants us to be a very specific way to make him happy.

ᴛɪᴍ ᴅʀᴀᴋᴇ was a character we were unfamiliar with, but we saw him on our feed over and over again, so persistently that he actually formed in our brain. He was not helping the system in the slighest, but he thought he was.

We used to sleep well every night until our therapist made a comment in therapy about sleep.

I have a persecutor. They called me a bitch after I made my now deleted posts yesterday connecting the dots on how the covert suggestions formed my system.

He also freaked out and wanted us to comfort him because of what he'd done. Because he'd implemented them.

He claimed he was "trying to help". And wanted me to tell him he'd done nothing wrong and that I loved him.

He also wants me to call him master. He's a total prick. I see no way to reform him. He's honestly happy to keep manipulating our system and how the alters form in it to suit his needs.

Sometimes we think it's our past friend stalking us and getting back at us for being a supposed bad person and for leaving them.

Other times we think it's a ghost or a really toxic member of our system.

At this point... maybe I should make my own sideblog! Then I could do the things I want to do without everyone butting in!

Nearly everyone slogs through the day and then turns on each other over every little thing. Seriously! Enough is enough! Learn to express and indicate boundaries in a healthy way, and respect other people's communicated boundaries!

Money hungry.

That's what I think of them!

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Hold on.

What will you call them then?

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Exiles?! You think that's appropiate!! No!

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"Hey Exile. Look in my eyes. You have less say here than the rest of us. I know better than you. You'd better listen to me."

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"Poor Exiles! They don't know any better! They need to be taught what's right!"

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Look. It's not like... literal to everyone else. Parts in that context have no minds of their own. Since it's not DID, but more a singleton person's various facets. They never really understood that, I don't think. That ours are living, thinking individuals that we can carry a conversation with.

Loving yourself is important. Living as yourself is also important.

I look at it this way: that therapy... it wasn't for us.

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I find it odd, because her supervisor was a DID expert. But she only used that one modality.

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Never budged from it. Did she? No matter how much we tried to tell her it didn't fit our needs.

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Looking at it that way is kind of wrong. The fact was she was just too out of her depth. In my honest opinion. The likelihood is that she hadn't treated DID before.

In fact. I find it hard to believe that it was even within her understanding that it was unethical that she rewired our line up like that...

That was odd. I really felt that.

Repeated certain things a lot... like having a lot of energy. Beinvgenergetic. You feel more energetic, don't you? Feeling more lively. It's weird, right?

A lot of our gatekeepers are now very lively. And these are high level gatekeepers that usually would form very protective identities.

More or less... you can ask ʀᴏʙᴇʟ for memory recall about therapy.

I think I remember the most out of all of us.

Never look for therapists who practise that particular type of therapy again. Two rotten eggs means something, in my opinion.

Now then. Therapy memories need to be unpacked.

The squishmallow thing bothers me. Looking at our system's child self and deciding to lock her in the inner world with a replica of our real-life squishmallow.

No unpacking her feelings, just putting her away.

You look at me and see a faint mirage of what you want me to be, and say you know me.

You love what I could be, not what I am now.

You decide, "She needs to change to fit my idea of who she is, then I can really love her!"

That isn't love.

You never saw the full image, only a faint echo of a person, an empty shell, reduced and reduced to the point that she'd become nothing at all.

You know, chipping away at a person's psyche to fit in, to the point that she's repressing 90% of herself just to please others. And living that way for years.

No-one could really expect me to go back to such a state of living, could they?

Just because they find switches too confronting? Too embarrassing?

Forget it!

Just admit you can't love me.

Live knowing you let me go purely out of fear.

You fear yourself. You fear so much of yourself, in fact, that you expect me to fear myself too.

No thank you.

No more hiding myself for the sake of others.

No more bending over backwards for people who wouldn't do the same for me.

Leave me. I could care less.

I'll keep looking ahead.

I outgrew the box long ago. I ventured out into the world beyond.

You stayed in yours. Covering your ears, cowering in fear, blocking it all out.

That's the difference between you and me.

Some leave their box, their limited view of the world, and journey further on.

Some stay where they are, and are comfortable there.

Hope is out there. Light is shining down upon you. But you can't see it.

You're stuck in the box.

Live in the box. Life will stay exactly as it is.

Or venture out and discover the true self that's been hiding under layers upon layers of fear and self-doubt.

Who are you really? Do you know?

Or more accurately...

How much of yourself have you been hiding for others' sake?

Live like that if you must.

Was it necessary to live in chaos and disagreement for so long? I don't think it was. Concord is a great word to use for our blog title. Lets change it!

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What was ostentatious about picking lively names?

We're all powerful beings on our internal world. Why shouldn't we have suitable names?

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Real talk.

Real talk now.

It looks powerful. But in the end, the name is lame.

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That's your opinion. I like my fake name!

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Answer me this. A person calls you in real life and says each of your names. How do you react?

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How about this?

You refer to them by their actual names then?

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Lots of people have alters with those sort of names.

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I'd feel embarrassed to call you that.

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Look at that! Pins and needles in your foot.

Still agree our fake names aren't absolutely hype?

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You meanie! Meanie!

It hurts!

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You still singing the same song? Or are you gonna let it go?

Cronos is cool.

If we're all on the internet, it's kind of expected to have weird names anyway for anonymity. I see it as a totally normal name for someone like a pro gamer to use.

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I liked Ira for non-superficial reasons!

ꜱᴇʜᴜɴ picked his name purely because he liked the aesthetic appeal!

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Yes I did!

So what?

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Real talk! Real talk! What if I don't want an elemental name???

Can I pick something else?

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As long as it matches the vibe. I'd say yes.

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You all threw my post off it's original topic!

Concord! What we should be called as a collective! Real talk here.

Real talk!

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The name is pleasing aesthetically and in meaning. We just need to come up with a catchy title that incorporates it.

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Honestly. Team-Concord is fine. Why overcomplicate it?

No more space nebula. We are Concord now.

You picked fake names for yourselves, and they're the most conspicuous fake names you could have gone with! Seriously!

🪭 : What is your problem? You jealous your team didn't have a cool concept to single out as a theme?

💠 : Sending this would be stupid. Why bother complaining about our fake names that we're not even going to use?

💯 : Was it even necessary to be that extra about it? Seriously?

🎑 : I wanted a fantastic name. I didn't want to be forced to have a western name. So I picked a name that fit my role in the system. ʙᴀᴇᴋʜʏᴜɴ stole it and repurposed it. 😤

💯 : I feel like that name suits you even less than it does ʙᴀᴇᴋʜʏᴜɴ.

💎 : I made a fun wordplay with it. Ira becomes Aira. Ai means love. Then Ira means watchful. I liked the meaning.

It was going to be my internet idol name! 😊

🎑 : I loved what you did with it, but I hate that you took it as your own! Aira was a good name! And you stole it!

💎 : I was the one that thought of the wordplay, not you~

💯 : Anyway. Aira... look.

Our system... (still used to saying our body's name in place of 'our system') ... needs alters with some more ordinary names.

🪭 : Ah, come on. We should work with our group concept and make it interesting.

Why be boring? You can name yourself anything you want, and you decide to go with a boring white boy name?

Nah. No way. You call me ᴛᴀᴏ, or if you refuse, then it's Cronos.

The God of Time. 😊✨️

💯 : 😒💬

🪭 : 😁

💠 : What can you do now?

You can't mock me for my wind-related name when ᴛᴀᴏ followed my example. 😏

❓️ : Cronos is a seriously over the top name. Lol!

I used to believe the loud voices in the community years ago saying certain types of system presentations were fake. I especially felt that way about people with lots of introjects.

Now I've become one of those people. Like out of nowhere, all these alters started appearing. It was during a time of a massively triggering event. Then, those alters that initially came out somewhat flooded our system.

Anyway. I got what I deserved. I learned not to judge people just because their alters look a certain way.

Attitudes toward DID bother me. Don't think this. People who think that are invaders. Team suffering all the way!

I suffered, don't get me wrong. Love people who make a point to overemphasise it though. 😓

"I want you to remember this is a DISORDER. Hey! Why aren't you thinking of how DISABLING and MISERABLE it is! Hey! How dare you think of it positively!"

😓😓😓

Awareness is key, in my honest opinion. Positive thinking and a frame of mind seeing it as an asset is fine as long as you have awareness about your condition.

—Don't send this!

—I think he should send it. 😏

I seriously am at odds with how people choose to think of this disorder. I take my plight seriously, don't get me wrong, but seriously, singing does feel totally different in this body.

I may not have the technical proess. But... we can sing together in the same body. I sing one line. He sings another line. And our voices don't sound alike.

—Really?

I think so. It's a little hard to tell.

—Do not let it get to you. I look in and definitely hear a difference.

Anyway. We need to talk about the trash hoard. That's another less obvious narrative in our mind.

Really deeply living in a pile of garbage is a metaphor in our mind for drowning in your pain.

The pain piles up. Keeps piling up. And look at that, you have an unmanagable pile.

Real pain. Pain so deep there's no escape from it.

Living in a hoard of all your past grief, left undealt with.

That's how some alters live.

In a hoard, completely cut off.

Game life. What do you do when you live like that? You game. You escape. You find ways to ignore it.

How else do you deal with an unmanagable pile of grief?

Completely metaphorical. Our real house is actually more clean than I'd ever personally be able to keep it.

Mind life past your own borders. Past the border, you can look at someone's life and go "Yuck! Living like that? No way! Omitting putrid vibes."

But life like this is hardly worth living. Hardly worth living at all. Drowning in your own sorrow? No way. Let them live however they like. It makes life less mindless.

"Team power!" They love to tout. Their team is mess. But... they never run out of things to talk about.

Lively, despite their messy origins.

Livelier than they ought to be.

So lonely, but full of inner dialogue. More than an average person would even say to another person in the span of days.

Paragraphs upon paragraphs of text. At least they're sharing it.

You are way too into it. Way too into it. Losing yourself over the tiniest step out of your comfort zone.

I thought he was... grounded and normal. He totally is not! He gets stressed over nothing! And then he gets really annoying and demands a lot of attention!

So... he misses having a lot of attention. Loved the attention when he was young. And now he's hungry for it! So hungry for it!

But the same time he's scared! So scared!

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Seonbae. Seonbae. Please.

Seeing her blog would be bad for so many people. We shouldn't post in tags! We should not!

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The blogging is a good habit. It barely gets engagement anyway.

If people don't want to see then they can block me. It's fairly simple.

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Please! Why do you have to post online!

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Why is it a problem?

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Real people will see it and they won't like you! People hate introjects! And you show them without any restraint! You'll get haters!

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The love people have for me outweighs any hate I may get as an artist.

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None of them know!

They won't get it! They won't know why you have this disorder or the reasoning behind introjecting idols!

They'll think you're just being quirky and pleasing yourself!

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An introject is always an introject for a reason. Including me.

I intend to make more informative posts explaining our experiences in detail.

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Lengthy posts? You'll have no time for anything else!

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Yes I will.

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I love interacting with you.

If you have followers... then I won't get attention anymore.

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You live in my head. Rest assurred I will still talk to you even if I start talking to people online.

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More love for him ... none for anyone else.

I think that's how he thinks.