For Agnes and her Flowers

I am prepared for the new year. Starting tomorrow I’m going to wake up at 6 and do a workout routine. I think I’m going to do the walking one but I’m sure it’ll be ok. I also ran out of vape juice and won’t be purchasing anymore. I want to go get nicotine patches but I’m not sure if they’ll work but I still have my nicotine pouches. 

I spent way too much money yesterday on food and so I deleted my food delivery apps. It’s going to take work but I need to start working on better habits. Mood wise, I don’t feel so good. I’m mostly bored but I can’t put my finger on why I feel so down. I did have a whole week of triggers where I felt like I couldn’t esacpe but usually going to the living room calms me down. Especially whenever I have my blanket. But my mood is low. I’m not interested in watching tv or listening to music either. It might be that the medication is running out and I’ll need a new injection. But if I start working out, I’ll feel better mentally. I just feel really cloudy. I’m glad I left panera because that funk would’ve carried over to self loathing after a while. I didn’t go to my new job today because of covid but I hope I can start tomorrow. It’s just another week of trying to find things to fill my time. The memories are getting better but I’ll be honest, some days are easier than others. I’m glad it happened in the afternoon instead of the morning because I like having a clear head in the am. I don’t like when all of a sudden I’m hit with feelings or feel unprepared. Still just trying to limit my calorie intake and cut out foods that I don’t eat. Maybe I’ll do meal prep but the goal for the next three months is to eat at home and not order takeout, including coffee. I think I’m going to give up caffine as well. It’s going to be hard but I like it better in the morning when I’m not amped up. When I’m tired, I’ll just have to deal with it you know? Well I could write forever but I do need to calm my mind for a little bit and try to figure out why my mood is low or least change it. Writing is helping me out! Might even just color as well which is a habit I want to do which is to do one creative thing a day even if it’s just writing poetry. Doing that for class was fun and I was able to gain a perspective. It almost feels like I’m smoking weed now because this is how I felt whenever I was stoned as if my worries went away. Granted I have a nicotine pouch in my mouth but the music is putting me in a mood, I’m slightly clearing the brain funk. All the spirtual stuff is breaking down slowly but I’m not breaking down which is good. I guess I’m just bored and need something to do like work but I’m earnestly trying to enjoy the time I’m not working. Anyway.

Namaste

It’s almost Janurary! New year, new me? Or just continue building? I think I’ll just continue building. I’m not going to cut anything out, I think I’m going to revisit things that I’ve put in the back burner such as keeping a journal in handwritten and also writing for pleasure. I noticed my happiness towards the later half of the year was indictive or whether I was on my routines or not which is just what I wanted to accomplish for 2021 and I feel like I achieved that. There are days that are easier than others like today. But I don’t want to smoke anymore just because it’s not a scene and I’ll be honest, I usually gravitate towards smoking when I’m stressed out but if I want to be that girl, then I’ll have to stop. I’m going to have some lunch and then go shopping for the 2022 year. New sheets and a comforter. I’m trying to be more clean as well. As far as washing my dishes, I’ve been on top of that but my room is in a state of disarry and I think it just shows my mind. I also enjoy waking up early so I’m going to experiment with waking up early and just moving my body. So far, I’ve lost 2lbs by watching what I eat and that makes me feel good. I enjoy cooking for myself. Anyway, gonna eat lunch!

Namaste

One thing I can’t stand is anger from someone for no reason. Just now, Nyaduar walked in and she has an attitude. It’s Christmas Eve for crying out loud! That’s the thing with our families dsyfunction is that we just always go on the defense instead of being happy or stable. Shit, just being ok is very difficult. I think we don’t know any better and the only way we collectively cope is by being angry. Someone always has to have an attitude. It’s super annoying to my energy.

I cleaned the bathroom this morning and felt immediately better. Now I’m just listening to Neo Soul. It’s funny because I feel the creeping of all the things that bothered me about my family and old friends coming around. I’m sick of trying to channel and then someone asking me “what I’m up too”. I know I get rid of lucifer’s grip on my mind but it gets highly annoying when I’m trying to use my imagination to go to a place where I felt safe and then get the Jaren talks as I will refer to them now about how he’s keeping a secret. All I know is that I saw him clear as day at Target and it unnerved me. It took a while for me to get over my paranoia and I haven’t had anything occur since then. I actually like the radio silence from Tyler as well. It finally feels like I can heal and move on without being attached to people who don’t know any better. I’m not their mother nor is there anything that says that I am but usually I like to use my imagination and then they’re trying to give me a reality checks. I don’t know who is trying to control me. All I know is that it makes me sound crazy but I know who it is because they can’t reach me without them and when they say we don’t speak to her, they go crazy.

I’m sick of it. I’m sick of going crazy and everytime I try to go back to the where I felt safe. I can’t even look up things without risk of having a ptsd attack. It’s like everything attacked me. I don’t know what they want me to do. I can’t even drive without realizing what happened to me while I was just trying to get pancakes. It makes me angry. Currently with the meditations, I feel like I can’t fight because I’m that angry. Something holds me back saying I can’t make strides because of my past. It’s in the voice of Bhan which I’ve had many ‘hallucinations’ during life and meditations saying that they are Bhan. One is drunk, another is reading my mind, and the last one doesn’t even want me to talk. I don’t think there’s any correlation between Bhan as a person and these hallucinations. I think it’s just the manifestation of the ptsd I’v endured in his hands while I was in high school. It could also be a spirtiual effect where his spirit is crying out for help. Each reaction is the same, I start slipping and feel endangered. I can hardly describe what I go through because it’s like I’m trying to focus but can’t because my mind is too loud and the hallicinations start to take over. It happens so fast and it’s all of them at once. I want to be able to isolate to the heart of it but it seems like there’s a master to them all and I want to fight them during meditation but they are protected by these hallucinations. Even the spell I wrote at Panera Bread really isn’t helping me. If anything they talk to this master. This is what I said years ago that they confuse this voice for God and everytime I say it puts me in danger they say it’s either a curse or who I am. If anything it’s just given me time to know who lucifer and elola are. They aren’t threats to me but this voice refuses to let me be. It’s like they thrive on my ptsd as normal. It could be an entire community that I’m fighting instead of one person which seems more likely than a singel person who is comparable to God. Either way, it get easier each day but does like today where I just want to use my imagination, it get the Jaren screech from this community. I need to learn their language. Anywho, I’m going to get ready for the day.

Namaste

I passed my logic class with a D! I was really relieved when I saw that grade. I’m also not going to be applying in the social work program. It’s just something I don’t want to do and I feel like I’ll have better luck with library science. Any who, right now I’m listening to music and writing. I’ve been so tired these past few days and I miss waking up at 7am. I just feel like I get very lethargic if I don’t wake up early. Sleeping in is usually a treat for me. So I think I’m going to start waking up at 7 again and building stronger routines.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I eat and I want to elimante take out all together for the next year. Including coffee. I’ve achieved everything I wanted to do in my vision board except for working out. I know that my time was taken by school but it’s almost ridiculous to me that I can’t find time to take care of myself. I’m also serious about quitting smoking as well. I want to be nicotine free at least by April. I’m trying to take charge of my health for 2022 and drop at least 100lbs. Looking at the scale, I’m not happy at 250 but my discipline isn’t there. It isn’t about the food but I just get lazy and don’t eat healthily. I know what to eat but I just don’t follow that plan or I get cravings. I’m sure  it’s ok if I go and get tacos but I never feel good after eating them. I particularly don’t care for soda either and would rather have water. I just find it fustrating that I don’t think of my health as a priority and it’s always an after thought. I did well today for food and I’m not going to binge and watch tv like I always do. I don’t really snack throughout the day but I know if I eat two snacks a day I can stay full. I’m thinking fruits and veggies as the snacks. I had a problem with buying food and not cooking it so I’m going to revamp my grocery list and buy foods that I know that I’ll want to eat. Hyvee makes it easier since they are seasoned already but I don’t mind sweet potatoes and chicken everyday. I just gotta stick to the plan. As I’m writing I’m realizing that I gotta be flexible as well. With such a tight schedule, with school and work, most of it is usually thinking about when to fit in time to eat. I think on days where my schedule is going to be tight, I’ll pack my lunch. I know for sure, I’ll start eating breakfast at home and also packing my lunch and snacks.

It’s the last day of classes today. I’m not going just because of papers. 

This semester has been a whirlwind. I think I still have depression because it got harder and harder to remain motivated when all I wanted to do was lay in bed. I didn’t even have the energy to go to work at all either. I’m nervous about my logic class but I’m going to try to do a little bit of the excercises from homework and work on the practice exam. If I fail, I’ll just let my advisor know but I hope it doesn’t get that far.

Home has been ‘home’. I deal with the extraness of everything else by reverting back into my solitude. I really want a change of scenery or just to make a major change. I figured by excercising I could do that, instead of just sitting around each day. I haven’t been dating like I wanted but it’s only because boys want to hookup only and I guess I’ve been doing myself a diservice because I offer that. There’s also not much of a selection unless I go through Tinder. It’s fustrating. How do you meet people? Especially people that want to go out. It seems like the scenes I’m in, they all have families or are really introverted.

I’m going to try to journal more frequently as well. I’m so tired. I feel it in my chest. I always wonder if it has to do with what happened in Chicago or if it’s my bipolar. I feel it move and I try talking to it to go away but it comes back with a vengence. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve tried my coping skills but it’s been bleak so far with school. I guess my idea is to smoke weed but I know that it wouldn’t end well. I bought two packs within the last two weeks and I just get so tired of smoking. I just need a major change. I know when I move out, I’ll be happier but it’ll be tricky doing it while sober because I don’t want to start having bad habits again. I’m really hoping the trick is to just read a new book or start reading books. I’m going to really take care of myself because there’s only one me. I also think it’s because I haven’t seen a therapist yet in a little over a month. I’m just fustrated about being around family if I’m being honest. The dysfunction is on the low tide but no one hangs out together. I guess with our busy schedules that would only make sense but I would really enjoy it if we all could hang out at least once a week. We’re not white so that would be asking a lot but that’s all I want.

I guess what I’m saying is that most of my life has to be creative in order to make it the way I want to make it. I just get so tired. I’m going to try reading a book in the morning to change it up.

Anyway, Namaste

I slept for 14 hours yesterday. I feel alot better than I have throughout the week. I think my body was just telling me it felt burnout and needed some rest. I’m not going to my morning class because of it. Honestly been trying to just finish the semester strong but in my logic class, I have anxiety about it. I’m trying not to get an F and I need to make at least 30 points on the test. I know that it’ll be fine but like I said, it’s really difficult. I have one week to review and learn the material so I know I can do it if I just spend this weekend reviewing. As far as the rest of the classes, the goal is to finish my paper by Saturday and turn it in on Sunday. That’s the thing with school, I never really wanted to go back. It just seemed like when I was in a crisis the only goal I had in mind. Subconciously, I think I compare myself to past classmates. It does give me irritation and anxiety and I always think to myself I don’t have the ability to perform. I know after I get my masters, I’m going to move so that’s two more years in Nebraska. I’m tired of Nebraska and I’m tired of crying over Chicago. The goals for the rest of the month is to workout at least 3x a week and to also start saving up money for the apartment. I’ll have about 1,500 saved for that but I want at least 4000. So, it’ll just take me being very frugal and not spending. Which I think I’ve gotten into the groove as long as I don’t order coffee or take out everyday which was a bad habit I got into this fall semester. I’ve gotten into the habit of smoking cigarettes again but I really do want to quit. I think the problem is that it gives me a pick me up or a reward after a long time. I’m fine with the nicotine pouches as long as I’m not smoking. I had to quit vaping as well because all I did was vape throughout the day. I always say that I’m trying to take care of myself but the truth is, I just don’t have the time or energy. Given that taking care of myself is just sleep. There’s something in my brain that has gotten used to years of neglect and whenever I get into a groove, I usually just end up burning myself out. I know as far as finances, the groove was a lot of fustration because food was one way I was rewarding myself as well. I didn’t really use the food stamps the way I should have only because it was easier to doordash instead of cooking food. But I miss the way it feels to eat a homecooked meal even if it’s just a boxed dinner. 

But, I am trying which is better than not doing anything at all. I think I have to be really transparent with myself the next upcoming year and to go towards the goals that I want to see. Even if it means seeing a therapist all the time again. The big stuff, I feel I can handle but it’s just the everyday nuances that get to me. Anyway, gonna write at least three pages of this paper.

Namaste,

I feel burnt out today. Nothing is sitting with me right and I don’t have the energy to start my homework or assignments. I guess it was from the activity yesterday. I was stressing out over grad school and what I wanted my Masters in and then got in a sour mood. I thought therapy today would help but Deb had to reschedule. There’s only two weeks left in the semester and I’m struggling. I need to memorize a poem and continue to do homework in all my classses. I think it’s just stress from work since I increased my hours but man, am I tired. Today I just want to be in bed and not do anything. It’s a lot and I don’t have anyone to talk to besides my therapist and siblings. It’s really hard getting by with no friends. It’s not something I feel like I can get used to. I really need to socilaize.

Yesterday I got angry at all the expectations that Mama and Baba have of us being sucessful americans and I thought about how I wanted to be a pastry chef again and that made me really upset. I know I could have excelled in it but of course these expecatations that they put on kids and not having role models who are living their dreams in my siblings is something I think about a lot. Except for Nyaduar who is just chasing the coin, the rest really are losers. I can’t think of anything logical or sensible that they are doing. I guess I really wish they were living their dreams instead of being a slave to either alcohol or the church. Our parents really did a number on our self esteem. I rarely think about Duoth except that I was really one of the only ones encouraging him to join the military and now he’s out in Japan. 

I don’t love my parents. Issuers of trauma in childhood and adulthood. I don’t really go to them for advice like other kids to their parents. I usually only speak to them on very frank concerns and rarely let them in. I think that’s one of the reasons why I don’t want kids because I don’t want them to be apart of the dysfunction that my family is. I can literally feel the trauma. I’m the only one giving my self goals and working towards them that way I can be proud of myself and not so much for my parents. I wouldn’t mind being disowned at this point but it still gives me a lot of anxiety. 

There’s a lot today and a quick little nap should do me good.

Namaste

I haven’t written anything in a while. I just wasn’t in the mood to write it out. I’ve been listening to music and doing homework, like usual. These days, I’ve been trying to ground myself in my routines and work. Shower’s this week aren’t going as planned. I find myself skipping them because I just want to relax and I feel like I can’t relax in a shower. It dawned on me this morning that whenever I say, “I feel” it usually has to do with something about my intuition. I think that’s the same for everyone but it was new for me today. Meditation is going fine. I’m not as fustrated as I was before but when new things happen, it’s like my body freaks out and thinks I’m on drugs so it trys to have a psychotic break. It’s like it doesn’t recognize that what I’m doing is natural. I think it might be normal, especially when introducing new lines of thought or just trying to shape the mind. My brain is sick. It was so used to the drugs and booze that it hasn’t fully readjusted to the soberity that I’ve been on because I’ve been introducing new meditations and mantras. 

Other than that, mom comes home for two weeks and we won’t be having a traditional thanksgiving this year just because someone has to accompany Duol to Chicago. I want to go but I also want to stay. We will see if he needs help driving down there or if Bhan or Guamar will go. I’m going to lay low but it’s just two weeks so I’m not too concerned that anything will happen between me and her, especially since I’m too absorbed in my school work. Other than that, things have been calm. Not much to write about.

Namaste

Gosh, I am tired this morning. I didn’t want to leave the warmth of my car. Still made it out to grab a coffee and an energy drink. However, I’m cutting my spending for the rest of the week so I did it again and deleted grubhub and doordash. I also noticed that my double chin is growing again. I know I should excercise but I never want to leave the house. It’s a shame because I’m paying for something I could use. The problem is, I never know what to do except for my circuit training which would explain why I never want to go to the gym. I guess it’s because I’m ok with my body and don’t feel the need. I can’t help but think I’d be a little sexier if I lost a few pounds but I do think I’m pretty when I try. But I know I can’t recreate my early 20′s body but I want to see the metamorphasis of it changing. The challenge is to lose 45lbs by graduation in May. I know it’s one of those goals I always try and say I’ll achieve but if I lost a small toddler on me than I’d feel even better mentally and emotionally. I have this toxic habit of looking at before and after photos of others and then I get upset that I don’t have the same progress. Logically, I know everyone’s body is different but I always want to be like them so I guess I’m just a sham or like everybody else. I’m starting today, for real this time. My spending is on average a whole lot. I put money aside and I don’t think my check is going to be big so I’m going to have to cut some corners for sure. Every week I pay 40 in parking and 30 in gas. So that’s 150 every two weeks. That’s not counting the coffee or lunch. So, Today is the day that I stop spending mindlessly. I’m going to keep reminders for myself so that way I don’t lose track. It would probably help if I kept my debit card at home and just didn’t touch it. One necessity that I need is a new coat so that’s about 40-60. Thankfully, it hasn’t gotten to be too cold yet and I can still get away with my cardigans. I’m just so tired of feeling like a goose. I know the progress I’m trying to make and I know I need to do better. No one’s holding me accountable except for myself so I’m going to start taking myself seriously in terms of making a plan that works for me. I might pick up a few shifts at work if they’re avaliable next week.

Emotions wise, it’s still the same shit every week. I feel empty, alone, desolte, lost, confused, like a robot. I just don’t want to be vulnerable with my feelings and I don’t want to make the same mistakes I did in the past. There was a point where I told Deb that I thought I was performing and trying to mask my anxiety because of my psychotic break and abuse and there was a point I told Deb that I didn’t know who I was outside of my friends in past and the habits we all shared together. In fact now that I think about it, about the only thing I really liked doing together as a group was smoking weed and tripping. Now I really can’t smoke weed or god forbid trip without there being a mental health crisis that I try to combat with meditation but forget that God exists and he has questions. The way that they treated me was nice but I never felt like I could say what I needed to say. My excuse was because of drugs but I never knew how to communicate and I guess my mother never taught me because the only emotion I knew how to communicate was sad, angry and fustrated. Never happy or stable or grounded. So now that I spend a lot of time by myself, I think about those things and try to practice them even at home. I’m not scared by isolation but I am saddened by my past actions. It’s really a shame to me. There was a time I was concerned about living authentically but my authentic was mimicking someone elses and now I feel as I’ve gotten older my authentic is different and that’s ok. We’re all working towards the same goal which is peace but my peace looks different than someone else’s and I don’t think I should be judged by it or attacked because I don’t fit the status quo. I’m just think alot about it this morning.

I should probably do my habits (that may be weird to you but normal to me haha)

Namaste,

There was another fight between Duol, Guamar and Bhan just now. Honestly getting tired of it. But there’s not much I can do since Duol has a history of hurt. The only way I can relate to it is if I was yelling at mom for all the stuff she did to me since I was a child. At least that’s what it sounded like. I hope Bhan and Guamar move out for the sake of everyone’s comfortableness or Duol seeks therapy for all his hurt because I can’t stand the yelling and silent treatments anymore. Out of all the fights, this is the longest the animosity towards each other has lasted. It’s such a shame because he’s only 18 and I don’t think he realizes the shame that time can bring. But I’m not a therapist or a mind reader. I can only hope it gets resolved soon.

Other than that, I’ve been doing good. I had a test today and felt pretty confident. But we’ll see next Tuesday. I’ve just been on the homework and classes grind. There’s about a month left in the semester and I can relax before my final one. I have to keep reminding myself that this is what I wanted too. It’s such a drag especially since I have nowhere to escape so my focus has to be on school. Finish strong, start career and maybe get to be hr for a sports team if all goes well. 

I’m trying not to be an emotionless robot with the things in my life.

Namaste

So I made my choice. I’m going to stay in Nebraska for at least two years while I get my resume built up after graduation. I turn 29 in two weeks and I figured that while life is short, sensibility is often over looked for dreams. I just don’t want to make the same mistakes I made last time. So I decided to move forward with Sherwin Williams. I’m not sure many other places will give me chances given my criminal history. So I’m really hoping to work somewhere other than Nelnet. I know the pipeline for things is usually to go to a big city after graduation but this is an opproutunity and I can’t think of anything else I can do especially since the other alternative is Panera Bread and I’m just trying to get in HR not so much store management. I know I should probably look at HR Assistant jobs but I think once I’m in school, I’ll have a better idea and then I can look elsewhere once I get my mba but Sherwin Williams is a good start.

I also realized that I shouldn’t look at other people’s lives. I know that social media is influencer but I never really thought it would influence me but it does, little by little. I want to go off the grid but everyone else especially Mama and Baba want me to stay connected which is just annoying. One thing I’m going to do after my birthday is set up a dating profile. I know it’s silly but I’ve been alone for so long and I’m stuck at a place where I feel so very vunerable but if I don’t try I can’t stay mad at myself for being single for so long. The hookups don’t last and they just make me think. I’m ready for a connection with someone but I can’t find that from Tinder or facebook dating. I guess it’s just the fact that I’m almost 30 and I still feel so lost like before. I just want to make smart descions and smart moves that way I can sleep at night. The beating of Chicago still rings in the back of my head and I run away to my divination almost always but the here and now is what I need in my life and not the maybes or could haves. I need to take the bull by the horns and just do it. Even if I’m scared. I’m still trying to decide where I want to live after my masters but there’s still some time. I need to figure out how I can live on my own first pay a few bills and then think about relocating. My dream city is Chicago but I have my eyes on California as well. I remember in the hospital I said that I wanted to live in Oregon and that’s still an option. Granted when we went to Washington, I wasn’t really in my right frame of mind. Now that things are on an even flow, I would rather make a smart move. I don’t think I’m going to apply to the NYU program just because I don’t see myself as a teacher. So MBA it is with the next two years and work on my resume. I ready to close all the chapters of the past now and move forward. It still makes me sad but I can’t keep on staying there. It’s too toxic and I can’t recreate my past life no matter how hard I try. It’s been a hell of ride though. I think if I make a few changes here and there I’ll be in a better position than I was when I thought my dreams would come true. Like I said, I can’t keep on coming back there because it’s not giving me anything. Especially since all those memories were warped by drugs and no one really was on my side. I’m ready to start my life again, for my sake.

Namaste

It’s raining today. Which is fitting because I’m sad about my past again. I did the thing where I went on his instagram and got sad. I did the thing where I went through old messages on instagram and got sad. A part of me cares a lot about how things were left unfinished and I have this fantasy in my head that I’m still there and I’m alive. It’s funny that all this was bought on by my habits but there’s no way I can scream, I’m better now to all the people that got scared by my behavior. I want to strangle it. I used to think that I needed closure but as time has wore on, I’m realizing the only closure I’ll get is with myself. There are times I remember this crazy journey I’ve been on to connect with the otherside of life and I make strides but the simple act of having people around you, friends even something tangible gets me sad. It’s almost like I was designed for imaginary friends and no real truth to human connection. Sure a deity but how far is that in making connections with others. I started talking to God last night but it ended up being mary magdelene when I said I didn’t like being high around others or how fake those relationships seemed. I don’t know whether or not it was because I was falling in love at the time but I never knew what a sense of community was and I felt that the drugs really did a hushing of what things were supposed to be. I also feel that I met someone soul connections that were tarnished in the fire. I know I’ll meet people with similar personalities but I will always love them. I know what I’m looking for in a friendship and I know what I’m trying to avoid. The part of me that wants to understand what happened struggles at the idea that it is what it is. And when I was having my major hallucinations, the voices were telling me that it was lucifer. But at what point did I surrender my life to lucifer if that were the case. At what point did caring turn into an obession or psychosis as I was told. There’s nothing I can do but pack my case and pave my own story away from this time when I felt that I could fly. I still feel like I could fly, but now I have my emergency pack in case I fall. I’m not really made for this life of having no friends. But, the sensible thing to do is to tell my story about why I crave for connection so much. Maybe I’ll be less sad this morning if I remind myself about why I care so much about them. It’s not useless, I know my heart can transcend time.

Namaste

It’s been a good day so. I’ve been working on logic for the past hour and my brain is about to explode. 

Things haven’t really changed recently at home. Bhan and Guamar are isolating themselves and it’s really concerning. I’m just trying to break the dysfunction at home the best I can for my sake. Bol, Duol, and Bannyeny are fine they spend time with themselves and others. But with the oldest two it just seems like their drinking is spiraling out of control. I know I shouldn’t be so concerned but honestly it’s been like this for years and I don’ t want anything to happen to them. I just don’t want it to be a Guan situation where I didn’t do anything. I’m thinking I’ll start to check on them but it could be a while since both are really stubborn and use different arguements to justify their actions. I know there’s something more than just a drinking habit. It seems like depression and lack of direction. I know I’m their youngest sister but even Nyaduar leading by example isn’t enough. I know I can play my part by just checking up on them. I’m not their parents and it’s not my responsibility but I can’t help but feel to step in where mama and baba are complacent. It is my home too after all. I don’t believe distance is the best thing to do.

As far as I go, I’ve been feeling good recently. I got a D on the quiz and I’m aiming for an A on this next quiz so I have some studying to do this week before Friday. Hence actually doing homework. I have three more assignments so I’m trying to finish the work for my other class. I plan on going to office hours Wednesday and Thursday just to clear things up. Emotions wise, I haven’t really been paying attention. My mood has been stable but most of my fustrations come from my divination and trying to connect. I guess with the spirit guides I have been generally getting along with them. Now with Loki, I have to stop him from doing things that make me uncomfortable. The only issue that comes with meditation is that you can really connect with your family like I desired. I used to blame Elola for the confusion but I’m realizing today that the desire to connect with Bhan comes with hearing his personal demons. Now with any conversation with family it’s the same but those thoughts are being transferred to Loki which I don’t like because it interupts his life. I heard something peculiar today that reminded me of Bhan’s psychosis when I was channeling during class which was “you can never be too sure”. It felt like he was trying to decide whether or not Buk was Elola. I can’t really explain it but either way it made me angry. Loki doesn’t know what to do and they get in arguements about to leave me alone and that not everyone is Elola. It’s like he’s always trying to connect with our mom and he fucks it up major. It’s either a symptom of true psychosis or the drunkeness. I don’t think it’s a spirtual thing. Usually when he’s sober, I can get a feel for his personality but everything is always ‘annoying’ to him and he doesn’t do any activities for fun besides drink and make a fool of himself. I very much well could be listening to his depression which I think maybe the case. But it keeps on being transferred to Loki. I’m not writing Elola off completely since she may have something to do with it but a simple prayer can ward this one off. As far as I know Loki doesn’t pray at all. It shouldn’t be his burden nor mine but I feel like I know his habits a lot better than someone who’s just observing the way another person acts. It could be the marriage he had to Nyakume too but that’s an idea I haven’t meditated on yet. That’s been what’s affecting my mood recently just the home life stuff. I do meditate but it seems like things are moving in a good direction. So I haven’t really done some contemplative meditation for the family. I’ll have to go to the altar tomorrow in order to pray for Bhan and Guamar. I’m just tired because prayers aren’t helping. So when things are in a swing, I hope to wrap them in it as well. I know I should just focus on myself but I believe I can give them some enlightenment before anything bad or worse happens. You can only really go up from here. Like I said I don’t want to have any regrets like I did with Guan. My mistake was that I didn’t communicate with him on a sister level. The older two I see everyday when they’re upstairs but with Guan, I never really understood why he was avoiding home near the end or at least warned him to be careful.

I have therapy tomorrow so hopefully that will help. I hate feeling like I’m stuck.

Anywho,

Namaste

It’s been a while since I’ve written! Almost two weeks!!

Well, not a lot has changed. Still churning through the semester. Still trying to get decent grades. I will say that I haven’t had any mood swings recently. I think it’s just the one month dosages that really got me to dip once it started to run out. But today I actually did my skincare in the morning. It felt good. The only difference from last night to this morning is that my dreams weren’t all that bad. I’m so used to having night terrors. I didn’t realize that it set the mood for the morning. This time my dream was calmer and I woke up feeling good for the most part. I wasn’t as stressed out that’s for sure. In fact, I actually remember the dreams which are the same, spirit guides, facts and figures about my life so far and meditation.

I don’t have class at 9:30 today so I’m just relaxing until then. I may go back to writing to do lists because it helps keep me on track on the things I need to do. I didn’t really study this weekend and I’m regretting it but I’m planning on going into office hours tomorrow just to get things right. Since I wasn’t able to go last week. 

I don’t have much to say except things remain the same. All my lamentations about Chicago really came to a head when I realized those same feelings I thought about Chicago being spectacular, I can find here in Lincoln. Which really made me think that I can stay here for a bit longer to get my bearings in order after I graduate without sacrificing what is wise. I’m still struggling with money but the goal is to only spend 75 dollars this week. so far I’m 14 in. I’m going to go grocery shopping in order to get things like coffee and breakfast but I spent way too much money last week on takeout and I don’t want to make the same mistake again. I stared at the total money makeover book yesterday and I figured it’s about time I start reading it and making plans. I also have to look at saving for an apartment.

Anywho, I’m going to eat breakfast.

Namaste

Again, I am getting super tired in the morning. Now that I know what is what I think I can utilize my ‘backpack’ better. One major change is not ordering takeout and I feel immensely better than eating junk. I actually like cooking for myself these days. Even if I don’t know what to make, it’s simplier for me looking forward to having a homecooked meal. I will say I do miss mom’s comfort food but I can’t help myself still being sentimental about her. Even if I’ve walked away from any acknowledgement of her as a mother, I can still say that I remember when she tried when I was younger and during other moments like when she does my hair, even though I hated it. But that’s not what’s on my mind today. I’m thinking about making a big move to start my career but I don’t feel comfortable leaving Nebraska mostly because I feel like I won’t be able to control my surroundings in a big city. But that love for Chicago is waning which I hope opens up new areas for me to explore like other citites. I’ve always wanted to move to Oregon/Washington area.

I’m debating whether or not I should go to classes today since most of the things I can achieve online. I only really have two important things I need to do today but since I’m already here, I might as well do it. I got a C+ on my exam. Most of the things are missed were little things. I’m pretty suprised. Overall so far I have a C in the class so I want at least a C+ so I’ll have to hustle just like I did for the last unit. Things are going well in classes. It just takes discipline. I really have nothing else to say. I think I’m going to work on some classwork beforehand. 

Namaste

It’s almost fall break. I guess these last eight weeks of school have been really intense. I’m taking it more seriously than I did in undergrad. But I do have decent grads except for in logic class but that’s a different story. I have ordered any fast food this weeks so it’s been money saving. I’m realizing I prefer to eat at home instead of ordering takeout. I have an injection appointment today and I don’t notice any difference with the medication running out or anything like that. I guess since it’s been three years medicated, I’m pretty used to it. I didn’t have a good sleep last night. I think it was because I drank an energy drink around 12. I was extremely focused from it and ended up finishing my homework around 4 which led me to yet again try to find something to do. I was able to go to the store but for the better part of the hour, I was lost. I really do want to take up cross stiching or embroidrey just because I really enjoyed it the first time I did. I know it seems old lady but I don’t mind focusing on it. I have ideas of coloring or making art but I feel so awkward whenever I try to. Years have passed since kindergarten and I don’t want one experience where I got in trouble to dictate my relationship with art itself. 

These days I’ve been feeling ok. I realized that most of my depression comes from just not keeping busy. I’m not trying to avoid anything. My lifestyle sorta leads me into funks that I can’t get out of. There are days where I think it’s my bipolar but I usually remember my coping mechanisms. It very well could be hormones as well since I don’t get my period because of my injection. Either way, the sad days have recently been outweighing the happy days where I feel good. I do allow myself to have that space but it’s very easy for me to spiral to depression if I stay in that space for too long. I try to surround myself with positive things and not so much the negative things. That seems to help me out. I’m surprised that my coping skills have increased because I haven’t spiraled out of control in a while. What that looks like for me is just sleeping all day and not doing anything. That was scary now that I look back on it and I feel like I lost some years just to my depression and bipolar. I’m proud of myself.

I get the test back so I’m pretty nervous but I think I’m going to head into the classroom.

Namaste

I did something different last night. I actually read two chapters of a book for fun. I liked it. It feels like these days my mind goes a million times around and I never get to just relax and do something I enjoy. Most of it is manifested through meditation but the vast majority is just sitting there waiting on something to do. I read yesterday that behavior is learned and it’s around that time  when I start missing being high and a pothead that didn’t really have many responsibilities. That’s the way it is for me now. I have a lot of responsibilities. It was very easy for me to just get stoned and be lethargic and consider that a good time. Now, I actually have to think about what I like which honestly has never occured to me before. When I was younger, I was pretty much a slave to the chores and school. There was really no time for fun but I had music. I pretty much turned my back away from musical studies because I thought it led to a competition. I just miss the practice and performance nature of it. Honestly, I half assed it just because I felt like I was mediocre. There was a time when I thought I’d be a music teacher or play for a symphony. But I turned my back away from it and I have no regrets. I just miss it.

When given the opproutinity to watch tv or listen to music, I always listen to music which poses a problem because back when I was a pot head, music and being high was the epitome of listening to it. I realize it’s just the psychoactives in my mind at the time. I honestly can’t say that I’m super into discovering artists or anything but that it’s just a past time that I enjoy. I personally miss being involved in a book that was just too good which is something I did a lot when I was younger even if it was for class. That gave me joy.

As Deb always says, it’s just about experimenting and I think I achieved that last night.

I’m going to do something crazy and apply for NYU. I know I probably won’t get in but they’re at the career fair tomorrow and I registered for a one on one session. It’s just a shot and with the colleges I’ve chosen for the mba programs, I’m going to wait to see if I can get in. I feel like I’m truly scared to move away from Nebraska, I know I’d be better off in a different city but I’m equating my happiness with my enviorment. I long to be that girl again who dreamed of the city but honestly, I just really miss Chicago. A part of me is scared that I’ll miss out on opproutinities if I don’t expand my horizons outside of Lincoln or Omaha. I have goals and maybe if I become a teacher, I can help people. But I’m just doing it to see if I get in. I know I’m lazy but I really do need to hustle in order to make my dreams happen. Even if I fail.

Have dreams and follow them even if it’s just a city,

Namaste