tight! like unto a dish!

Neal A. Maxwell: When the veil which encloses us is no more, time will also be no more. Even now, time is clearly not our natural dimension. Thus it is that we are never really at home in time. Alternately, we find ourselves impatiently wishing to hasten the passage of time or to hold back the dawn. We can do neither, of course. Whereas the bird is at home in the air, we are clearly not at home in time—because we belong to eternity. Time, as much as any one thing, whispers to us that we are strangers here. If time were natural to us, why is it that we have so many clocks and wear wristwatches?

I bring this up because I was rewatching the last episode of season 1 as Jesus was speaking to the woman at the well. The woman brought up that by Jewish standards, she could never worship correctly because she couldn't go to the temple in Jerusalem, to which Jesus replied that soon, worship could be done anywhere as long as it was done in spirit and truth.

I am a semi-active member of the church of Jesus Christ of latter-day saints. Part of the reason for my inactivity is just because I have a hard time waking up for church and partly because finding the correct YSA ward is difficult when I live in an area within walking distance of about 7 different buildings. But mostly, I haven't felt very welcome at church in a very long time.

I am a transmasculine and nonbinary person, and I am tired of having to hide who I am. When I moved in for college, I almost immediately came out to my bishop and told him that I was actively pursuing hormone treatment. I shared some of the spiritual experiences that had influenced my decision and told him that I did not make the decision to medically transition lightly. He did not respond with the love and care I was hoping for. Not only did he out another trans person to me (misgendering them the entire time), but he told me that I was being influenced by the devil to pursue transition. He told me that he could not use my "preferred" (correct) pronouns because he felt it was "deceitful" to those around me. By the end of the meeting, he had referred me to meet with my stake president and severely damaged my faith and my wellbeing. The meeting with my stake president went much more smoothly (in fact, I think my bishop got a bit of a talking-to because he set up an entire meeting to apologize to me. It was a shitty apology but whatever).

Ever since then, going to church has been a struggle. I still feel so distrustful of those around me, and now that my friends are back home for the summer, it feels like walking into a lion's den every week. It feels like I have to be the perfect saint to be considered good in the slightest. I lost my temple recommend because of my medical transition, and I miss going to the temple dearly. Having no access to the House of the Lord is isolating in a community of young saints where there are near-weekly temple trips. Standing firm in my reality that God has affirmed to me time and time again makes it so I cannot worship like my fellow saints.

So again I am reminded of the woman at the well. Her past was complex and hard. She felt unworthy of redemption. She fretted that she would be unable to worship properly because she was not welcome among the Jewish people. Many of these struggles I also see in myself. But Christ affirms to her, to me, to anyone that feels like an outcast, your worship is enough. Your worship, in spirit and truth, is enough.