louis

I remember. I remember when my main focus in life was sex. All I could think about was getting my next dose, reaching my next orgasm. My mind couldn't even comprehend who I'm with, as long as they give me the pleasure. I felt no attraction, no love, no intimacy. Just bodies on top or underneath me, ever changing. Only one person could get under my skin. Only Harry. We were never exclusive, but we always kept coming to each other, obviously lying to ourselves about our feelings. And who knows what could've been. If only Briana hadn't gotten pregnant, if only I hadn't hurt him. He left, and it shook my world. I sought help, and went through a rehab program that fucked my brain up even more, leaving me disgusted by sex and terrified of orgasms. I hadn't had any kind of sexual contact ever since he left. And today, we had sex. Ridiculous how something that's such a regular thing for most people was such a big deal for me. But I trust him, always have, and I wanted him to have this part of me as well. Was I terrified? Yeah, of course I was. Not only could it possibly damage my confidence and self image, but the cravings could return. He was so understanding and perfect, though. Held me through it. Told me nice things to make me feel better about myself. And. And I'm still too scared to let it become a regular occurency again. But maybe it's a small step in the right direction.

So, there's this boy. A rather special boy, I'd like to say. I've known him for several years now. He knows me too, he's seen every part of me, even the ones I'm scared about and the ones that gross me out. He's kissed every inch of my skin, seen me like no one ever has. And I trust him with everything that I have, because my life has been brighter for as long as he's been in it, and more bleak whenever he's gone. However....the thing is....I don't know him at all. I know his name is Harry Edward Styles, he was born in Holmes Chapel , Cheshire on February 1 1994. He has a mum named Anne, a sister named Gemma, a dad named Des and a stepfather, Robin. He likes to rage over American football and listens to music that's too emo, wears happy clothes even though he looks at me sad, and sings like an angel that's descended from the heavens above. I know all of that and so much more, we've spent countless hours talking about our dreams and hopes and fears, and yet, I don't know him at all. Today, he told me he does coke, and apparently that's not all. He doesn't want me to force help onto him, and he doesn't want us to fight. But god, I really wish he would. I could never forgive myself if something bad ever happened to him. He's so important to me, and I'll protect him with all that I have, and yet, he doesn't want help. I know you can't fix others if they don't want to be fixed, that's not how life works. But you can't help but worry when it's someone you've always loved so dearly. An angel like him doesn't deseeve to hurt so much.

We kissed. I don’t know what it means. I don’t know if it changes anything. But I missed him. 

Haven’t talked to you in a long time indeed.

It's my birthday and everything is Bad! Lmao!

Y'all really wanna cross paths with someone who's already angry at the world! Lmao!

y’all i would love to post more updates here but honestly it’s hard to care about superficial relationship and friend and whatnot drama when the only thing on my mind is the fact that i’ve just lost my mother and my best friend. i literally don’t care about anything else right now. leave me alone. 

Okay and now you’re offended because you think I was rude to you when in fact I’m just not comfortable with someone else making decisions for me? I know you think it’s best for Freddie, but primarily what I do or don’t do for Christmas is my decision. I’ve told you multiple times I’m not comfortable with it. So why couldn’t you just listen? But, of course, I’m the bad guy. When are my feelings and emotions ever gonna be valid,. 

like am i lonely or do i just miss sex? two very opposite terms in the dictionary of louis tomlinson.

aside from keeping mustard the fuck away from pizza, I don't know what I want in life