man sometimes friendship really is just "I saw this and knew it would give you psychic damage. please respond with agony" and then they do. and it's great

At the local hamburger shop and they said yelled out “order 167!” And three middle school age kids yelled in perfect unison “ 6 7!” Life is sometimes so beautiful

If you reference 67 you deserve to be executed on the spot tbh

If I was king for a day the first thing I would do would be to sentence you to a life full of love and understanding.

hey bestie i think ur post might be charmed 'cause you aren't gonna fuckin believe what happened today

You’re not depressed. You just need $250,000 in your bank account.

Reblog to materialize $250,000 in prev's bank account

I don't think "having sex" is important. What's important is arachnid locomotion is controlled by a system of hydraulic compression

Should go without saying but never date a cop and christ never marry one. Rule of thumb if he's legally untouchable he's ethically unfuckable. You don't like that cop, you like buff men in tight clothing. I can show you more of those, better ones. Take my hand.

Having beef with the horse cobbler is objectively hilarious