As hard and as ruthless as a rose petal

"Friend kea!"

Meanwhile, a conservation sign tells tourists the real story:

I particularly love the part that emphasises that if they nick your stuff that's squarely your fault for letting them. Wikipedia (where I found these pictures) draws a clear line between human and kea behaviour:

"Kea parrots have strong cognitive abilities. According to recent studies, kea have a sense of impulse control and forward planning. Kea can wait up to 160 seconds for a more preferred reward. In addition, kea also use trial-and-error tactics and use observational learning to solve difficult problems and when faced with puzzles and locks. These decision-making abilities are similar to primates and other intelligent bird species such as the African grey parrot."

He returns one night to his humble apartment, which is known to have vermin, and comes across a rat, which he could easily kill or set loose on the street.

But the rat- it is special. It seems to speak to him. Promises him every little thing he desires- talent, fame, and fortune. Recognition and esteem like he has only ever seen from afar; fine company like the wealthy men and women whose scraps he picks at over the sink.

Put me on your head, the rat says. Put me on your head and think of nothing.

It is strange at first, yes. Strange to feel another take control of his life and live it better than he ever could. To see miraculous things created with his own two hands, to feel his feet move in graceful and fantastic ways with a confidence he has never had.

But the rat delivers as he had promised: he receives promotions, notoriety, admiration. He is noticed. Envied. Every day is a waking dream, rubbing elbows with beautiful women and handsome men and influential personalities who lavish him with praise. It is addictive, this lifestyle- never mind that he is only ever truly conscious of it as a passenger of in own brain.

It is when he has reached heights few can ever conceive, with all that the rat had ever promised- a beautiful wife in a beautiful house with all the world in his palm, in possession of all the wealth and success a man could ever want, that the rat says that it is leaving.

Leaving? The rat cannot leave. Everything he is, the rat has provided.

"I have delivered on our bargain", the rat says. "I have brought to you all that you have ever dreamed. What more could you desire? I must live my own life, now."

The man is furious. He is terrified. He destroys the rat, in all of the ways that a rat can be destroyed, until nothing is left of it but a fine smear of marinara sauce.

He returns to the restaurant the next day moving like the shell of something hollowed-out and brittle. He cooks well- his fingers remember the movements, his eyes recognize the patterns, his mouth knows without his asking what orders to speak and what platitudes make patrons smile pleasantly with their straight white teeth.

He retains the talents of the rat. The charm of the rat. All the worldly pleasures the rat had provided him.

Still, it seems, he is little more than a vessel for the talents of the rat.

But the rat is gone.

WHAT ABOUT DOOMED SIBLINGS

Oh… - zooms in - Ohh…

We all agreed that Adrian is L A R G E and I agree this is the correct way.

But! In an alternate universe.

A brief sequel.

The Eridians actually sent only their largest on the mission.

I can hear Rocky saying this in my brain