Words mean nothing

I’m so grateful to people who say the things I don’t allow myself to say. I don’t. Because when he speaks, when he smiles, when he spends hours fooling around, talking about the stuff he loves… He isn’t beautiful, no. He is perfect.

Can I still make it up? No, not to you, you don’t care – and you shouldn’t care. I want to make it up to myself. I don’t want to feel sorry anymore. Is it too much to want?

Sometimes I wish October 2019 never happened. Sometimes I wish I never left a comment in November. You are the best thing happened to me in a few years. And yet - sometimes I wish I never knew you. Because right now you need help, and I can’t help you, and it hurts like hell.

Me: Gosh, that guy with a long tongue is creepy! But kinda fascinating at the same time, so I’ll give this manga a go just to know who he is. Watanabe Wataru: You’ll love him. Me: Eh… You sure about that? Watanabe Wataru: You know, he’s not just creepy, he’s also a bully and even his own teammates are scared of him. Me: You said I would love him? Watanabe Wataru: He’s also ugly when he’s on a bike. Me: That’s the least of his problems! Watanabe Wataru: Oh, you’re so gonna love him! Me: Well, he’s still a talented sportsman, I guess. Watanabe Wataru: That’s not what I meant. Let me tell you about his childhood! You know, his mother died, he lives with his relatives who seem to have a lot of problems of their own and are too busy to care for him! He’s all alone, he was bullied when he was a child, and now he looks scary so everyone is afraid to approach him! He has no friends! Not a single one! Me: Please, stop. Watanabe Wataru: Look at him. (whispers) Remember – he’s not a monster from under your bed, he’s a fifteen-year old boy. Well? Do you see it now? Murata Mitsu: Also – look at me. I’m the best Midousuji one can imagine. Me: I… I see a socially awkward teenager with a whole bunch of neuroses. I feel sorry for him. Watanabe Wataru: Oh, don't worry, it's OK. Don't be sad. Remember? He's still an awful person. Let me show you how he bullies people again. Don't cry, he's a monster, you don't have to feel sorry for a monster… Hayashino Takeshi: Indeed he is! Look at me, I’m an amazing mons… I mean, Midousuji. Me: Maybe you’re right… Watanabe Wataru: Did I mention that he was coming back to the hospital again and again after his mother passed away, still hoping to see her looking at him from the hospital window? Me: (crying) WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?! Watanabe Wataru: You love him now? Me: Will you stop hurting him if I say “yes”? Watanabe Wataru: I probably won’t but let’s give it a try! Me: (crying) …Yes, yes, I do love him! Watanabe Wataru: Told you!

So here's the fact: the entire Russian BJD community was claimed as "transphobic and homophobic anonymous haters" the day before yesterday. And I found it painful. You know why? Russian BJD community has always been tolerant and accepting, a safe space. I should know as a member of LGBTQ myself. Same as Kotyan, who is now, according to Amadiz Studio, is The Lord of Haters, same as many other people in our community. Now our safe space is slandered like that. And let me tell you, it hurts really bad. You want to know why we are angry? Here are some other facts: - Georgy's coming out was in 2012. The original post is still safe on BJD-Club (biggest russian-speaking online community). Here's the link - https://goo.gl/y1N9vP I also have a screenshot of it. The thing is, it was known for six years. And it was normal for the community. Why wouldn't it be? A whole lot of us here are in the same boat, and with how the world is today, we just have to stick together. So no, that is not the reason for our dissatisfaction. - No, our community did not harass their son. The kid is 5 years old, for God's sake! Did they even think before making such claims or did they just try to make us all sound as evil as humanly possible? Are people of russian BJD community Marvel supervillains now? - While we're on the subject of trans- and homophobia, why do Georgy and Kate keep misgendering Kotyan? He has been open about being a genderqueer person with preferred he/him pronouns. They used to work together, they claim they were friends once, they know it... and yet there is "she" and "this woman" all over. It's almost like they want to hurt him this way. How very tolerant. The thing is, there have been many dissatisfied clients of Amadiz Studio in russian community. And the company handled their cases in a really disgusting way. There have been lies, blackmail attempts and bullying. And yes, there is proof of that. The only problem is that it is all in russian, so you'd have to use a translator to get the full picture. Amadiz Studio clearly hopes no one in the international community will do that. They hope that you'll trust those who are the loudest. And sure, you'd say, their promo photos are so beautiful, how can these talented people be wrong? Surely it's only the mean haters who are just jealous of their success! Please, don't let them use your kindness and respect for creativity like that. Please please at least try to google it. There is a reason why they are no longer welcome as sponsors at russian bjd conventions. There is a reason why they are banned from BJD-Club. There is a reason why they were fired from moderating BJD-Leaks, the russian equivalent of BJD Confessions. I literally have all the links, some of the proof is already translated in english, so if you just take a moment and allow yourself to think that maybe we are not the evil homophobic and transphobic russian scum that Amadiz Studio claims we are, you'd find out that the story is much more complicated. Please don't let two dishonest people who are simply trying to cover their mess slander an entire community for the rest of the world. We face enough strife as it is. I'm sorry, this is emotional and probably sounds like babbling, but I just got spit in the face both as a russian bjd fan and as a member of LGBTQ, so I guess you could say I'm a bit devastated right now.