Gariana

Last night i dreamt about that doctor again. I wonder why 😂 i didn't even scroll on his profile on twitter.

Bahasa indonesia aja lah ya.

Aku mimpi, lagi jalan sama temen cewek, trus tiba-tiba ketemu dokter, dia bawa tas ransel sama koper. Ditaro lah semua barang2nya. Bajunya as always jeans sama atasannya baju RS alias scrub warna putih. Trus kami ngobrol bentar. Ga inget kami bertiga ngobrolin apa. Trus dia ngambil lagi barang2nya, dalam hati wah udah waktunya pamitan nih.

Pas pamitan settingnya jadi di sebelah rumahku yg lama. Aku buka tangan minta peluk 😂 trus bibirku kumajuin haha, cup, dicium, abis itu aku sama temenku dikasih uang jajan dong hahaha. Pas aku liat, lah 20rb doang? Diliat2 lagi eh kok tulisannya hiragana. Oh ini mah yen. Btw kalo kuinget-inget lagi langitnya merah darah agak item. Gelap gitu suasananya. Kayak di dunia lain. Serem.

Bangun dari mimpi aku ketawa 😂 ngapain coba aku mimpiin dia tanpa ada pemicu, entah skrol temlen dia, baca thread dia, atau apa kek. I mean, kepikiran dia pun nggak. 

Tapi kalo dijadiin filosofis, uhuk, ini bisa jadi titik akhir dari perjalananku memaafkan orang ini. Perjalanan dari pertama ketemu bulan februari, terakhir ketemu bulan juni, lalu perjuanganku menyembuhkan diri sampai mendekati akhir tahun benar2 berat. 

Lagi2, kalo dipikir nggak masuk akal kenapa hal kayak gitu butuh waktu yg sangat lama untuk sembuh.

Meskipun nggak masuk akal, aku akan tetap menerima fakta bahwa dulu aku terluka selama interaksi dengan dia. Aku nggak lagi peduli siapa yang salah. Aku sudah memaafkan diriku, aku sudah memaafkan orang ini.

Semua punya peran masing2. Siapa tau dia memang dikirim untuk bertemu denganku sebagai bahan pembelajaranku. Siapa tau rasa sakit yang aku rasakan adalah buah karma yang telah aku lakukan di masa lalu.

Kalau dikasih kesempatan bertemu lagi, aku akan menyapanya dengan riang seakan nggak pernah terjadi apa2.

Well, kami sudah berpamitan dengan senyum di wajah.

Hari ini aku penempatan.

Aku hanya tidur satu setengah jam. Aku bangun jam 4 pagi. Yah, bodoh memang, aku tahu seharusnya aku menyelesaikan semuanya lebih awal. Tapi, yang ingin aku garisbawahi adalah traumaku yang tiba-tiba muncul. 

Deja Vu.

Aku teringat masa-masa itu, hampir setiap waktu subuh aku termenung, dengan background suara mengaji di masjid sebelah kost yang memekakkan telinga.

Aku termenung, tapi hatiku berkecamuk. Aku memikirkan si dokter itu, memikirkan ia sedang apa di pagi buta begini. Apakah ia sedang melakukan operasi? Atau sedang berada di dalam pesawat? Bukankah ia manusia ajaib yang tidak butuh tidur?

Dadaku selalu sesak setelah ditolak olehnya. Aku tahu aku yang salah, tak pernah ada yang spesial di antara kami. Hanya dua manusia yang menyalurkan kebutuhan biologis. Tapi, aku tidak menyangka akan dianggap tidak ada.

Pagi ini aku jadi ingat benar rasa sakitnya. Dadaku sakit. Aku merasa dia adalah harta karun yang tidak boleh kulepas. Kaya, jenius, rupawan, dan terkenal. Aku merasa tidak bisa hidup tanpanya, aku takut kalau suatu saat dia mati, aku bagaimana? Siapa yang bisa aku cintai dan kagumi? Bagaimana aku bisa melanjutkan hidup? Bagaimana denganku?

This was something I dreamt a few months ago. but I still remember the scene so clearly. honestly it was only like few seconds. I think it was a vision.

I was standing, staring outside the window. the window was opened and there’s some kind of balcony with wooden floor and metal fence. i was at a room that looks like a hotel or apartment. the white transparent curtain was swinging from the sea breeze. outside the window was the vast sea. as i was enjoying the view, i saw dark clouds building into something called typhoon. i panicked in an instant and then i woke up.

and then few days later I heard that there was a typhoon in japan. I swear I know nothing about what happened in japan before I dreamt about that typhoon. my psychic friends told me that I have link to the nature, not in small scope but bigger ones like the scope of countries, and that I should pay more attention to dreams like that.

people said it’s a dream if you forget it few moments after you woke up. but it’s a vision or astral projection if you can remember things clearly.

I’m starting this section to track the reflections I did. These past few days i keep thinking about the cause of my behaviors. about why do I feel jealous, why do I feel envy, the cause of my possessive behavior.

when I was scrolling on twitter, i often saw ferdy on twitter, and then found myself reading his interactions with his girl friends. that’s when I become jealous. not exactly jealous. it’s envy. I can let him interacting with anyone anytime and anywhere.  but i will be furious if I don’t get better (or at least same) treatment from him. I want the same/bigger amount of attention he gave to his girl friends. So I conclude, the core problem is,

I HAVE TO BE THE BRIGHTEST STAR IN HIS EYES. I WANT TO BE SPECIAL.

and this happened not only with ferdy, with the doctor, but also my exes.

when people interacting with the doctor, I felt so envy. why can’t I get the same amount of attention? why can’t I be fun enough for him to have discussion with?

and I’ve been thinking if that is the reason why I can’t really accept Friends With Benefit relationship. you never know how many FWB’s he has out there and that means you’re not special, he can leave anytime for someone else. another core problem is, I HATE TO BE LEFT OUT.

But I have come to my senses. I can’t control anyone. I gotta let my partner to be himself, expressing himself, interacting with anyone he wants to, doing what he likes to. I can’t let my happiness become dependent to other factors outside me, including my partner.

I have to say that i'm currently in a secret relationship. This man, he's way older than me. I dreamt of him in my sleep three times. I don't recall dreaming any of my ex for three times lol, i guess because he's special. This time i'll tell you about those dreams briefly.

The first was around the time when i had some conflict, i was kind of obsessed with him and he didn't want anyone to control him, he implied that we only crossed our paths and it's time to continue living our lives a.k.a part ways. Few days after that, i dreamt of him, we sat side by side, and when i looked at him he acted like i was a stranger. I felt rejected. I woke up feeling devastated.

The second dream, i think it was because i looked up his instagram. I was hoping i could find his son's instagram because i was really curious about his son :3 but couldn't find any trace (already guessed so, because i too don't follow my mom on instagram 🙈) I mean, he showed some photos when he was younger, around high school if i’m not mistaken. He was hella hot you know (he’s even hotter now). so i thought his son would be as hot as him and that made me curious. well, i couldn’t find any clue about his son so instead i scrolled and scrolled, looking at his holiday photos, mostly europe. Then i looked at his whatsapp avatar for a few moment, then i slept and dreamt about him lol. I only remember small part of it. He wore leather jacket, a pair of jeans, and his signature shoes : converse. I walked beside him somewhere like europe, the road was made of stones and the buildings around us looked like somewhat medieval. I was happy for a moment until i woke up :')

The third! This one's kinda dirty 😂 i'm not gonna write the details. In my dream we did some foreplay. he was bare-chest and we were both under blanket. I can feel we were skin-to-skin. The moment i woke up, i felt incredibly happy, but too bad it was just a dream.

Happy new year 2019 ! So glad when i heard that Tumblr is now available in Indonesia. It was banned due to pornography problem. I come back to tell my story. This is what i dreamt last night.

This time i visited my friends' dorm. You know university students live in Indekost. It was a three-story building, and some part of them look like office building. So my friends and I are at the third floor, i followed them because they walked suddenly and i thought they were heading to their room. I was a little bit behind when they walked down the stairs, i couldn't see them anymore so i run.

Then at the hallway i asked a stranger "is Aini's room here?" She replied "yeah, it's there at the corner." while pointing at the direction. I walked then i learned that the room she pointed was closed. Then i saw the room beside it was opened. Inside, there were some people i know are having conversation.

Someone shouted "oh hi, lita!" It was fifi and then i sat beside her and joined the conversation.

I don't remember how but I was in some kind of conference room. The windows were huge and tall, like typical office building. There were a lot of people around me. We were discussing something but i can't remember.

Suddenly, a big wave of water struck from the windows. People spread away like a swarm of ants splashed by water. I run to the third floor, i was thinking to jump from the windows to escape from the building, i checked but it was too high i was afraid it would hurt myself.

In panic, i woke up.

Pretty normal dream, huh?

13 January 2019

Monday, 27th March 2017 3:05pm

I was just woke up. Before i completely clueless about what’s happening, i better write what i just dreamt about.

Here’s the thing. I’m studying applied statistics at some kind of statistics school, it’s all free because when i graduated i’ll be a civil servant on whatever province that government tell me to work at. I enrolled to this school (or polytechnic?) not 100% my will, but also my parents will. I don’t blame them, because it was me who finally decided to enroll. I don’t do very good at college subjects, i feel that i’m an inferior. Last 2 semesters, i passed with terrible GPAs. I questioned myself over and over again, what on earth were you thinking about when you enrolled? Do you really think you can conquer maths when your mathematic logic is bad? You can do it but let’s see how you study, you need to work your assof! That’s my preface.

I dreamt about taking student’s report. It was in a big building which i didn’t recognize, they told me that it was still a long time before the report would be given, there’s a lot of this and that ceremonials, so it’d be better to wait in a room.

I went to a room filled with juniors, i was busy playing my art stuffs, then few moments later i packed them because i supposed it’s time to take the report. I took it then stared at it. I cried, i got way more terrible GPA than what i got before. i ran to my mom and elder sister then hand over the report. They looked so sad. (I think it means that i’m afraid to disappoint them but i will tell them the truth anyway. I thought my father was there but apparently not. I’m always afraid to tell my father the truth. My father was always the one who scolded me for getting bad marks. I tend to hide everything until my father eventually know.)

Hello, how are you doing? it’s been a long time, now i come back to make a dream journal. This time, it’s kind of interesting. But honestly, i don’t remember much, i always wonder is it just me, or dream is always like a few seconds to few minutes? Because i never remember anything much of a dream, and sometimes just different pieces of dreams.

Last night, or i don’t know maybe this morning, i dreamt that i join something like Sampoerna Academy. If you’re indonesian, you must’ve known this famous academy. So, it was something like a short camp, but it was indoor. We’ll be trained not only academic stuffs but also leadership. Anyway, the subjects were the same like what i’m studying at the uni, statistics. My friend Akbar from Computation of Statistics was also there, but in different class like IRL. We talked few things about college subjects, and a friend of him asked about some textbooks of Basis Data (Database). Then his role was done.

There were two young teachers (and/or coach i don’t know) in our class, a young man and a young lady. I think they both are at their 25-30s? It was an open class by the way, we were studying at a hall, the paint was gold and there were wood furnitures i guess, and the interior somehow looked like Javanese “Pendopo” with chairs for students (you can google that if you don’t know what pendopo is). We were told to be obey to the leader which was the male teacher (who was tan with athletic body wearing a pair of jeans and white longsleeve shirt), i felt like it was something similar to military. We were told to obey the leader, but on the other side, we had to lead ourselves and even others when needed.

We all grabbed a partitur of Come O Love by Stephen Carlson, and so did me. I remember i was scolded by the male teacher when i did something wrong after we sang the song, but i can’t remember what was it, then i went back to my group. And again, we were told not to do this, not to do that, as he left the class and went around the other classes.

After he left, i went around the class because i forgot where i left my musical sheet, and woooooo, there he came with rage, then scolded me, told me i have to do 90 sit ups and that i was gonna be dropped out from the camp. So i sat and grabbed his white shirt, i could see his skin was way darker compared to the shirt, and begged him to forgive me and kept me here. I said i was so wrong, now i knew that i was wrong and promise not to do that again.

He looked calm, then brought me to the other teacher. Then i said to her, “but i was just looking for my partitur, that’s all, i didn’t meant to break the rules.” Then she laughed and said “partitur? Hahaha like Mr Alvin would care (about the partitur),”, but honestly she was friendly, and treated me like a sister. She caressed my forehead, and told me to breathe. Woah, i could hardly breathing. I said to her i couldn’t breathe, but then she said that it was interesting, and i was interesting.Then a few moments after that, i tried to tell her how to break the spell and breathe normally but apparently i’ve taken breathe normally. And that’s the sudden end of my dream.