And I Have Nothing Ahead Of Me

So, Hayden breaks the news that Shane and Ilya kissing has now become public property to anyone with an internet connection and the insight we receive into Shane's reaction to this news through his POV is that "Shane's stomach plummeted. […] Shane couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t swallow. He was going to die from choking on his own saliva. [...] He was choking on rage and fear and humiliation, and trying to remember how to swallow." So, essentially, a pretty classic panic response.

May I remind you that Shane has been terrified of coming out for the entirety of the book? And, sure, he and Ilya have decided that they will do it this summer but that's still months away and we haven't really seen him work through is actual feelings on that - which I know is because Rachel isn't interested in exploring that but I can justify it internally with Shane pushing back his processing because it's a problem for a later date - Only, now they're out. No two ways about it. And once again, he didn't get the chance to tell people on his own terms. Once again, he was forced into it through circumstances outside of his control.

And Ilya's reaction to this is to reassure Hayden that it's okay, that they were going to come out anyway soon enough "but now [they] do not have to", and that it was their own fault for not having been more careful. Now, that last part is what really gets me because I read Shane as being entirely too prone to self-blame and here Ilya is, not only failing to help Shane through his worst nightmare becoming a reality but actively saying it's his fault that they're in this situation (their joint fault but still, there is no way Shane doesn't internalise that).

Hayden tells them "the video is fucking everywhere," that people's reactions are "mostly, like, 'what the fuck?' or 'holy fucking shit' or 'is this a fucking joke?'" That there are people who think Shane should not be allowed to attend practice with the team and, presumably, think he should be benched or dropped. That their teammates reactions are along the same lines, and that "practice is going to be weird this afternoon", if he's even allowed to attend it. At no point during that conversation does Ilya attempt to check in with Shane emotionally.

Even after Hayden leaves, he still doesn't ask how Shane feels or try to provide him with comfort. Instead he pulls up the video and laughs about it. I get that Rachel was trying to get him to diffuse the situation with humour and, supposedly, he succeeds at that since Ilya manages to get Shane to laugh too, but if that's going to be the approach then you need to give it more conscious thought and be more deliberate in engaging Shane in seeing the funny side of the situation. As is, his laughter here reads, to me, as a slightly hysterical panic response or him trying to mimic Ilya because he feels that's the "correct reaction" to have.

Ilya suggests calling their agent and Shane ends that call feeling "numb" at which point this conversation occurs, with absolutely no pacing, immediately after the phone call ends: Ilya: “Farah will help.” Shane: “I’m worried she can’t.” Ilya: “I know. I have to go back to Ottawa now. Our plane leaves in a few hours.” Ilya asks if Shane will be okay, he says no, he'll be "a fucking mess", he asks if Shane thinks his team will be okay with the news and Shane tells him "Probably not at first. I don’t think Coach is going to be okay with it. Or management. Or, like, anyone."

Ilya has no words of encouragement, no moment where he allows Shane to freak out about this, no actual check in over the fact that Shane's life has imploded and he's now left to sort out the debris. He just kisses his hand, tells him "one thing at a time," and then he leaves.

There is literally no way for me to read that as anything other than callous and insensitive and I just don't buy it, not from my Ilya. My Ilya has more emotional intelligence than that. My Ilya recognises Shane's anxiety and knows how to support him through it. My Ilya would never fucking downplay the dumpster fire of the leak to this degree and then just leave Shane to deal with the fallout which, crucially, Ilya knows will be worse for Shane than for him. He doesn't actually anticipate any problems with his own team, he says so himself.

Don't get me wrong, he did not react well to The Whole Thing. I'm not absolving him of ANYTHING there. But deciding that he's irredeemable, deciding he's a bad person, deciding that he's as bad as every other MTL player (save Hayden) is incredibly reductive and, honestly, I hate to say it, but it's pretty fucking immature.

Because in the real world people fuck up. In the real world, people react poorly in highly emotional situations. And it is pretty fucking important, actually if a loved one has had a bad/negative reaction, has done and said hurtful things, but then COMES BACK AND TRIES TO FIX IT, after he has had time to examine why he reacted that way. That is fucking huge. It's huge and it's RARE, and it's so, so good.

J.J. showing up on Shane's doorstep to talk it out is so fucking brave. Shane letting him in (physically and emotionally) and allowing him the opportunity to talk it out is ALSO so fucking brave. And it is truly beautiful and valuable and GOOD that the ten year friendship they have is important enough -- on both sides-- for them to do the hard work to mend it.

Repairing something that has been broken is an important aspect of any long term relationship. It's important for J.J. to see why he was wrong, and for him to be the one to reach out . It's ALSO important for Shane to understand how his secrecy (no matter how well-justified it is) and hiding and lying has impacted ALL of his personal relationships, because a huge theme of the book is that Hollanov don't exist in a vacuum, and cannot live in a vacuum!!!!!

I don’t think JJ is a horrible person, but I don’t think he deserves a redemption arc or to be Shane’s friend. And I don’t think this 10 years friendship is worth it, since he knows nothing about Shane apparently (how could you know Shane and thinks he values anything more than winning?) and if Shane didn’t trust to come out to him about his relationship but chose Hayden even though Hayden hates Ilya there should be a logical reason behind it. But RR didn’t bother to give their choices in TLG any justification whatsoever. It’s a writing problem, but even with bad writing we should still be able to recognize that these characters made choices for reasons they found justified.

His brother does.

His brother calls him, forgetting that Ilya went no-contact with him. Ilya's silent on the phone, listening to Alexei's wife softly explain it to him and take the phone.

He texts Ilya, asking when where he is. Asking who he's playing next game.

Ilya's been retired for over 20 years.

He knows Shane wants to say something, but he never does. He's just quietly supportive.

One day, it's Alexei's wife that calls him. She apologizes for calling. She tells him Alexei doesn't remember her anymore. Or their daughter. He only asks about Ilya and their parents. She offers to delete Ilya's number from his phone.

Ilya declines.

After that, he starts answering the phone. And talking.

Alexei asks where he is. Ilya tells him he's coming home soon. That seems to make Alexei happy.

Alexei asks who Ilya is playing. Ilya says Montreal. Alexei tells him to win or papa will be angry.

Alexei tells him mama made him soup. Ilya tells him that was his daughter. Alexei laughs, he doesn't have a daughter.

He doesn't remember how cruel he was to Ilya. He doesn't remember how much he loved drugs and drinking.

He was so much like Ilya's Alexei, before he started taking after their father. Before he let his anger at their mother consume him. Before he caught Ilya and Sasha and allowed his fear for his little brother to turn into anger and disgust.

One day Ilya offers his wife, Natalia, to have them visit. Their daughter has visited more than once, even stayed with them for a summer after high school. His and Shane's kids tried to teach her hockey.

Natalia regretfully tells him Alexei is not well enough to travel.

Ilya can't travel to them, not while he's married to Shane.

But their phone calls are enough.

About once a week, he gets to speak to a version of his brother than he had dearly missed. He gets to talk about his mama like she's still live, not dead for over 50 years. He gets to talk about the rink he and Alexei used to play hockey at. To talk about the stray cat he and Alexei once hid in their bedroom for a week.

He finds himself looking forward to the phone calls.