TaratarataraB

Made an request with the warranty company to send someone out to fix my leaky AC

Filled three more lawn bags with overgrown green stuff in my yard Helped a kid practice a presentation Been there for a friend for about 20 minutes Checked my email Taken out the trash

I swept the bathroom and filled out back to school forms!

I cleaned the whole darn ground floor.

And made dinner.

Cleaned the whole living room -- like reeeeally thoroughly

Cut down a tree

Pulled weeds enough to fill six lawn bags

Washed all the dishes

Helped children with homework

Cooked dinner and washed the dishes

Scheduled work meetings and put it in my planner

Answered all my email

Put all of the commitments I currently know about in my calendar

Drank 35 cans of flavored sparking water! Haaaaaa!

Was generally less bitchy

Was surprised at how frequently I dreamed about alcohol

Weird, unintentional benefit of going to a therapist: someone accidentally hits a "trigger"; you LOSE YOUR BLOODY MIND on that person, like raging maniacal "what the FUCK did you just say?!" shouting then crying then hiding in a bathroom, so you don't have to face them, THEN hearing this wee little voice in the back of your head saying, "you better calm down cuz if this gets anymore out of control, you're gonna have to talk about it with [therapist name] , and that's just going to be annoying and take forever and force you to look at why you're REALLY mad right now because you know -- you KNOW it has nothing to do with this moment..." then you start to untangle your timelines and find your way back to something resembling grounded.

But yeah, if I had a quarter for every time I got my act together, JUST to avoid letting it escalate to something I'd have to talk about the next week, I could pay for that next week and grab a cup of coffee, haha.

So this happened. Like a lot of folks, I totally hallucinated as a child, like all the time. There was this one figure, it looked like a fairy -- like short as my dresser, thin, clearly not “human,” eyes that were black, like all pupil, no iris, little black cloak, like a wizard cloak or something. It just stood there, every bloody night, just stood next to my dresser, looking at me, never spoke... it was actually terrifying to me and as real looking -- like flesh and bone real looking -- as the family and dog in my life. And all it did was stand there. Through my whole childhood, into adolescence, I’d roll over, and there it would be. Just standing, just staring. It never interacted with me, just watched me all night, from when the sun went down til morning. I’d beg it to go away and it would just be there. 

Fast forward -- lately, I’ve been experiencing this one particular dissociative state more and more, in which I’m just sitting or lying there, frozen, not afraid, just “on pause” all observing, all taking in, no moving. Anyway, that “part” that’s frozen and watching when I’m in the back of my head TALKED to my partner the other night. All it said is that I need to take this more seriously, or I’m never going to get better. Then it went away. That moment was actually really exhausting. 

So then, I went to the meeting place, where somehow ended up in a kitchen (that I didn’t even know existed) in the “head-house” because I was asking about that part, trying to find it, meet it... And I turned around and there it was -- the fucking nightmare thing that stood by my bed my whole damn like, not in a cloak, but in a nightgown, eating cake. This resulted in probably 20 minutes of outloud screaming and crying and freaking out and insisting that my partner “get it out of me! Get it out of me! It can’t be IN me! Get it out of me!” Something funny about that is that it (the fairy thing that doesn’t talk) just shrugged, like, “Well I clearly can’t talk to you if you’re screaming” and walked away -- like it was some college dorm or something and it was walking away from the chaos.

naps.

Wakes up.