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Having your interests mocked as a kid and general low self esteem will have you insulting the things you like even when they're generally considered very good. Because you like it, and historically when you like something it's stupid and not worth anyone's time. So you will say nonsense like "I recommend this book/game/film, but it's okay if you hate it, it sucks, I really enjoyed it but that's because I'm an idiot" and you are recommending them the Citizen fucking Kane of that particular media type. And importantly: you need to stop doing this it is killing you
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So, Kim reaches for his gun often. Very often. sometimes for the most ridiculous reasons- opening the bear fridge, the experiment in the church, a note from Klaasje.
This one is just from being anxious going into the communist reading group.
Kim doesn't want to be the kind of cop who draws his gun constantly, who shoots instinctively, but he is, or at the very least it's very difficult for him to stop himself from becoming one.
Perhaps the most horrifying example is with The Pigs-
Even if he KNOWS the gun isn't loaded, even if he knows it's safe, the instinctual muscle twitch could have ended in an unnecessary death. Kim is very well aware of that fact, and it's horrifying to him.
@shufflerock-jam has this really good post about it, where they wonder how many of Kim's kills were unnecessary. "Something about a pair of traumatized cops, one fighting against shooting himself and one fighting against shooting everyone else".
At the end of The Pigs exchange, if Harry says she tried to kill him, Kim begins to interject, but stops himself and agree this situation could've been very bad. Then Empathy chimes in- 'He's trying not to think about how bad it could have been had the gun been loaded.'
Which is the heart of the issue, right? that leads us to Eyes-
This is such a fascinating background to give Kim as a character- not just losing his partner, which gives him the trauma and survivor's guilt that lead to this unhealthy relationship with his gun and frankly with death in general, but losing his Eyes, and having that not interfere with his shooting.
Kim doesn't need to see well to hit, he doesn't need to think. It's all in his hands, a reflex. A reflex that nearly took an innocent life. That might have taken one before.
His awareness of looming danger, to him and to his partner, is fueling his version of Hand/Eye Coordination to have him constantly on edge, his whole body is like a loaded spring, always prepared to make sure it doesn't happen again. Then it does-
In his nightmare scenario, leaning over his partner's bleeding body, Kim only needs one word to shoot without a second's hesitation. He's never not ready to take that shot. He doesn't need his Eyes.
Harry is distraught to discover he's killed before- his body remembers it. He wants a drink to soften the feeling. Kim however is impressed with how little he's killed- especially coming from the bloody murder unit. He wants to be 'one of the good ones' (Kim's adamant belief in the possibility of a Good Cop is a whole other can of worms) the kind of cop he would think highly of.
Kim is disgusted by cops who kill like it's a game. Espirit gives us a vision of a cop exactly like that, who kills so often it doesn't feel like anything anymore. In a way that is completely mechanical- no thought, no feelings, just a thing your body does. Not unlike the way Kim shoots- like a spring unloaded.
Kim has 6 confirmed kills before the tribunal, double the amount Harry has. He doesn't react the same way though-
It's doesn't bother Kim that he has killed, even if he declines to elaborate on it, and he seems to frown upon (or worry about) Harry's destructive coping mechanism.
If they're unable to save Ruby, he says "Control your emotions. We did our job. This won't be the worst thing that happens on this case… believe me. You can't let this break you."
When you wake up after the tribunal, he doesn't dwell on the lost lives on either side. Harry's skills call him a killer, a bloodstained killer, but when he tells Kim he also killed he simply nods. He's smoking though.
I'm not saying that Kim is heartless or careless, he's rattled by nearly blowing The Pigs' head off, very sorry for the lives lost during the case, and clearly hunted by death, having been surrounded by it for his entire life. But I do think death is a part of the job for him- not just possible civilian causalities, but his own potential death. He speaks plainly about how he might die in the lie of duty, and he narrowly avoided it more than once, with others dying in his place..
He walked into the line of fire with harry expecting for of them to die, and his quick fingers on the trigger made it so they lived another day. Even if more ghost joined the list that hunts him in his sleep, he is alive. He goes on. He can't afford to fix this habit, as much as he wants to.
So it's so horrible and so touching that when Dros asks "What have you done?" Kim says-
It's a tragedy, really. A wartime orphan who wanted to be a revolutionary pilot and played with Franconigerian knights, who grew up to be a cop, a job that slowly shapes his body into a killing machine. And when you ask what he does, what you both do, he says keep people alive.
@torazii thank you sm! I find Eyes' role in Kim's story really fascinating... It seems that the trauma of his loss effected Kim in a meaningful way. A particular line from Espirit really stuck with me, when you say you've dreamed about the dead man-
Kim is haunted by Eyes and the thought of letting him down, he sees him reflected in Lely, which could imply his obligation to solve the case (or to his cases in general) is fueled by his desire not to fail Eyes again.
The same could be said about his devotion to protect Harry, no matter the circumstances. No matter how terrible you play Harry, Kim will fulfill the promise Espirit made the moment they've met, and hurl himself in death's way to save you. Kim is willing to die for a man who has been nothing but awful to him just because he's his partner. He'll lean over Harry's body, pressing on his wounds with both hands, turning his own back to danger, begging for you to stay with him and look at him (look him in the eyes? Ok now I'm over-analyzing) whether he loves you or hates you. These lines always stay the same-
That has to mean something.
In regards to Kim's relationship with his gun in particular, I left the first shot Kim takes out of this post on purpose, because it doesn't fit with Kim's 'all instinct' approach to his gun we see in the rest of the game. If anything it's completely opposite-
There's none of the instinctual 'all body' stuff Kim's so afraid of here. He's steady, he considers his shot, having to look exactly where he aims, and he's emotional, he's begging, almost praying... and look at which skills chime in- Visual Calculus and Empathy. Not Reaction Speed, not Hand/Eye (although he does praise the shot afterwords) not motorics, but heart and mind.
He has to take this shot to save your life. The way he couldn't save Eyes. And look at the game text- "plaza.tribunal_viscal_kim_aims_eyes"
There's this painting I love of Kim taking this shot with the ghost of Eyes guiding him, it's so beautiful and haunting and coneys this sentiment perfectly. Maybe this is the kind of shot Kim makes when he shoots with his Eyes and not just his fingers. Maybe this is the kind of cop he was before trauma and stress took over his body and got their hands on the trigger. I don't know. I'd like to think so...
Having a traumatic childhood means you cannot talk even objectively about your basic foundational experiences without it being "venting", even if you're not actually venting. You just straight up have a huge chunk of your life you can't talk about, full stop, without it being trauma dumping.
And it not being socially acceptable to talk about your own childhood is super alienating. Sometimes people want to know why, and any answer you can give them is going to be off putting.
It's to the point I get irritated when something I said is framed as venting when I'm literally just talking about my life experiences, doing my best to keep emotion out of it.
when I was in high school, I overheard two older students talking about a friend of theirs.
One of them said something like, "it doesn't bother me that [Friend] was in residential mental health treatment, I just wish they wouldn't talk about it ALL the time".
The other replied, "Well, that was all of last year for them. So when they say 'when I was in treatment,' it's like when you say 'last year'."
I try to remember that any time someone says something that sounds Shocking to me. sometimes one person's scary special crisis is another person's last year.
If you want to be accepting of mental illness, you need to accept the fact that some people's everyday lives are going to be terrifying to you. That doesn't mean they don't get to talk about it. Stop forcing hurt, isolated people to become even MORE hurt and isolated because you can't fathom toughening up a bit.
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When I was in college, I got my first tattoo. Not long after, a guy who sat behind me in one of my classes tapped me on the shoulder and told me that he'd seen my tattoo online, being made fun of as an example of "dumb shit fandom girls do." I'm not a girl, mind you (I'm nonbinary), but to a bunch of people online I was a "stupid girl who got a stupid tattoo for a dumb fandom."
Anyway, the guy from my class was really nice about it--he apologized for having to tell me bad news, and gave me the contact info for the guy who posted it so I could ask for it to be taken down.
Now, the tattoo in question? It's a bird. It's not actually a fandom tattoo, it just coincidentally looks vaguely like a bit of symbolism from a fandom that was popular at the time I got it. But it was enough to unleash a firestorm of "look at this stupid girl with her stupid cringe tattoo" comments.
(Even if it WAS a fandom tattoo...who gives a shit??? It's my body and my tattoo and I don't really give a shit what strangers think.)
The misogyny of my body being put online and circulated for mockery without my consent really fucked me up at the time. I felt awful. I was mortified. I was scared more people would recognize me from the post and give me shit. It sucked so bad.
So I just kinda think you're a fucking douchebag if you participate in tattoo shaming for anything that isn't, like, a blatant hate symbol. I don't really care if you think it's tasteless, or cringe, or badly done, or whatever other justification.
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If I had a nickel for every time Joker dies (or isn't in a state to be technically considered alive), but somehow even beyond his grave partners up with Batman and works as a narrator or a deuteragonist, I'd have three nickels. Which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened three times.
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