Art and Random Blog of Tammots23

The amount of time that has past has been.. significant. Life has a funny way of showing you what you needed to navigate through to get to where you are in the present moment. I would have NEVER imagined my life to be the way it is now, years ago, in the midst of all the heartache and chaos that was within me. All the confusion, all the doubt. Everything that culminated in those moments of darkness and sadness. It prepared me for the life I am living now. If you told me I would be having a child with a man who I will soon call my husband nearly 10 years ago, I would have laughed in your face. I would have told you that's not possible because I wasn't having children nor ever getting married. I didn't have the capacity to trust someone on that level. I scrutinized and criticized everyone I had ever been with, whether I realized it or not. I would hold them to a standard of a fantasied image I created in my mind. An image of a perfect relationship. An image of calm and peace i desperately desired.

Yet, when the image began to faulter with the quakes of partners uncaring, selfish natures, it was then I realized the comparisons to my "care takers" from childhood. Realizing that what I desired most wasn't something anyone else could give me. It was the faulty foundation I was building on that caused the catastrophes. The lack self-worth, the lack of care I put into myself. The fact I would allow things to happen to me because I felt "I deserved it." For the simple fact that I would hear the "care takers" voices resonate in my head about how much trouble I am, how people would see the "real" me. What they lacked was basic understanding and the unwillingness to actually see me for me. Instead of the troubled people they were when I was their age.

So... Here I stand to show that I am not, and was never that person they sought me to be. I have struggled, and made mistakes. I had neglected myself and tried to fit that mold they thought was perfect for me. Only to show them, they never truly knew me. Which brings me back to my main point, the light that shines brighter now than it ever has, even admits the struggles I still currently have. Healing is an ongoing process. Its something you will continue for the rest of your life, as triggers will ultimately unlock new things your mind may have suppressed. And I am here to tell you, that's okay! The people that care about you most will take the time to understand you, give you space to breath, to grow. They will allow you to be authentically yourself, without judgment. The partner you choose will be a reflection of yourself. A reflection of the person you are, with the qualities you desire to have. A perfect mix of similarities and differences.

You can choose the life you want to live. You just have to put the work in, and hope for the best. Be unapologetically yourself, feel your feelings, allow them the space they need to feel seen, then let them go. Harboring hurt, pain, and suffering is a punishment to only yourself and will fester and bleed onto anyone else your encounter. So hug that inner child of yours. Tell them they are loved and give them the love they always craved when they were physically here.

Don't try to meet me where I am if you're just looking for beauty.

Don't come looking for me to hold you down and keep you company.

Not if all you see are my features.

Not if all you see is a girl with those big eyes.

Look for me if you find my soul.

If you're willing to sit with her when she's crawled into a hole.

Where the sun tries desperately to illuminate the darkness.

Don't come looking for me to solve your problems.

I am not your therapy.

I am life.

I am not just someone you go to just to gain some sort of of clarity.

I am the girl who's heart so pure she puts aside her own grief to meet you in yours.

I'm not the kind of girl you show around like some trophy you put on your shelf.

I am fire, burning brilliantly in the summer evening.

Somewhere where laughs escape around friends who reconnect again.

I am the girl who carves the path you see before her.

I am the girl who triumphs through life despite the baggage she's carried.

I am not one to be used for simply pleasantries.

I am not to be used as if I am disposable.

I am a human.

I am a woman of substance.

I am a woman who is lost.

But I am a woman of great prowess.

I still walk this earth today,

After being treated these ways.

I have experienced the emotional damage that could have killed someone.

Yet here I stand.

Here I lend a hand,

To help others through their own inner turmoil.

I am the anchor.

I am the ground you walk on, the stability.

I am gravity, bringing you back to earth.

I am a girl who wants more for you than she does herself.

But I am a woman who is trying.

To stop showing others more compassion than she does herself.

So don't come at me thinking you could swoon her.

With simple words of entanglement.

Don't engage her without the intent to love her wholely.

Because she desires more than simplicity.

She desires intimacy.

She desires the wholeness of another.

She desires the shadows of the person you once were.

And the person you're growing to be.

She desires strength to heal your own misery.

She is me.

The girl who dreams of a love that meets her in her peace as much as her misery.

I am not one to envelope these emotions.

I am wild.

I am free.

And noone will take that from me.

Don't make me feel caged.

Don't make me feel grief.

For I am one to allow you to fly.

To feel the breeze of life passing you by.

I am one to allow you to be you, in all your messy glory.

Because we are, messy as human beings.

I will meet you where you need me.

But if you can't meet me where I need you.

Than do I really need you?

Do I really need another person to make me feel unseen?

I want you to see me.

I want to feel I'm being seen for who I am.

Not for what I can bring to the table.

I don't care what you have,

I don't care what you give me.

If it's not peace then don't engage me.

Don't come to me.

Because I have sacrificed so much of myself for others.

Without asking for anything in return,

Mixed up with frivolous emotion

Torn between two souls

One, a new

The other old

Which to choose noone knows

I feel I've been gone.

For far to long.

No matter how much I write, sleep, read, draw...

I still find myself stating at a wall and pleading for the mind to quit tormenting me.

Failure. Sure.

But you'd think the amount of failures would show some form of success from the never ending efforts of my conscience. The never ending efforts to not be defeated.

It's only a matter of time when the dips of the coaster head under water.

But for how long can I hold my breath until I reach the surface again?

How long can I endure the tragedies until something comes of them?

Bleh.

I'm tired of speaking about my negativity. For all I feel is nothing.

It's as if I'm constantly in a blank room.

All white.

Sitting in a chair under a spot light.

Just staring at the vast blank walls around me.

Or are they even walls at all?

It's black and white.

No color.

Just shades of grey.

I wonder.

How long have I been this way?

The torments aren't from anything or anyone anymore.

It's all from past realities.

It's all from past tragedies that keep repeating themselves until they become muffled and distorted in my mind.

Maybe that's why it feels empty.

How do you live life, when you're not in fight or flight?

Everything is fine, yet I still feel disconnected.

I still feel blind to colors beyond my grasp.

The light is there, but only shadows, only shades of black and white appear.

Am I fine?

Or am I just lost.

I've been beaten down for so long I don't even know how to live.

I don't know how to be myself.

Who am I?

Why am I here?

What's my purpose?

What's the fucking point?

I just want to close my eyes and be left alone for a while.

There's only one person whom I want to have by my side...

But I feel like a burden.

Even to my friends.

I just feel like I'm lying all the time.

Because who is this person I see in the mirror?

Where did she come from?

What happened?

How do I know I'm actually me?

I don't know who I am supposed to be.

Sometimes I wonder what people really think of me.

And I wonder why people take risks with being associated with me.

Like.

Why?

Is it just the voices in my head? The voices of past people telling me I'm too hard to deal with? The voices screaming I'll never be good enough? People deserve better than a broken fragmented person who's dreams are only to thrive and live a happy life surrounded by those who care about them?

I wonder why I go into the depth of my conscience to retreive the questions I do long to have answered. I wonder why I question anything and everyone in my life and wonder if they think I'm good enough?

Maybe because I'm constantly belittling myself to think otherwise; to feel otherwise and negate all positive insight that are otherwise bestow upon me with their actions and words.

I feel unworthy of happiness.

Yet I crave it.

I constantly delve into the darkness of my past and pick apart the scenes that are embedded in my mind. The doubts that people have created for me to keep from thriving in my own living. I am living. But I am afraid to live the life I've dreamed because I fear the consequences of my happiness being enveloped. I want to smother myself with joy and greatness. I want to feel worthy to call my friends my friends. I want my loved ones to be proud of me. Yet how can I expect them to feel these things, when I myself don't believe I deserve them? When I myself have been so brutally beaten in my subconsciousness that I don't even realize it's become habit for me to degrade myself.

Only now am I beginning to re-realize that I am but a fragment of the woman who's heart was so big, and so giving. A fragment of a woman who's desire to make others happy, yet has become numb to the emotions of others and obtained apathy for those who suffer before me.

I just want the little girl back, who desired to be accepted fully, whom desired to be considered more than just entertainment of her gifts, more than just entertainment of her body, more than just an able body who's gifts benefit those in their own desires for greatness, just as those have exploited in the past.

I am ready for a new year of memories that won't leave me to be broken, and feeling as though I am beyond repair. I just want to live freely, love freely, and accept life for what it is. Instead of feeling lowly, degraded and otherwise negatively about myself and the past at which I have grown with through the years.

I'm ready to begin a new chapter.

I ready for the pages to turn.

I'm ready to become more than this self-destructive, self-depricative mess that I have grown so fond of holding dear to me. Even if it means I need to step out of the comfort zone of my own depressive tendencies that I've clouded myself with to protect me from those who could hurt me. From those who could exploit my faults and find my weaknesses.

As if I haven't shown them all already.

But regardless.

I just want to live happily.

I want to make others happy.

And I want to make sure I am not a burden to those who love me, to those I cherish.

Because one day, I want to be capable of sharing myself without fear of neglect, without fear of hate, without fear of being left behind.

Because not everyone will like me.

I have found someone I think I've truly connected with and I am scared.

I'm scared of being happy.

I've been unhappy so long that I have found comfort in my darkness.

I worry that same darkness will spread like wildfire on to him.

He is kind.

He is gentle.

He is sweet.

His touch can make me quiver in excitement,

But also gives me a kind of warmth and safety I have always desired.

I am scared.

I don't feel worthy.

I feel as though I don't deserve to have this kind of partner.

But I want to deserve it.

I want to believe this is right.

But it seems it has started off in all the wrong reasons.

Maybe.

I am only his second.

Where he is in a higher number on my end.

I wish I had waited.

I wish that I didn't let him.

Because he deserved for me to actually be his first.

That sexual tension would have escalated.

Yet he felt so good, and has the experience of someone who has been around.

He is honest.

We have similar desires for life.

I wish this kind of perfection came sooner.

But I am glad it is here.

Now to plan my escape.

And write. And write.

I want to escape from the minds sight

To eradicate the flames that engulf my desires to heal, diminishing them to soot.

The heavy winds swiftly catch the ash.

Traveling far into the distance.

I crumble, like logs that break in the fires wake.

I feel defeated by my minds weird twisted games.

The desires I have,

Only fuel the flames to continue until there is nothing left.

I'm in constant war with myself.

Claiming that I am fine,

Until I can no longer put on the mask.

Facade.

I wish it we're better this way.

I am better off just slipping from reality.

They are better off without me.

Most everyone I know.

I feel myself drowning,

Knowing that I am nothing short of a burdening scoundrel who's emotions reek havoc in a normal setting.

I feel crazy.

Insane.

The mind, it plays again.

Rolling the dice to see what the next move is.

Quit it!

Quit making me feel as though I am weak.

Because I'm afraid to know which side is defeat.

Will it be me?

Or the damaging film that distorts my playing feild?

Maybe it's just me,

Yet my eyes are wide open.

I wonder their views, their thoughts.

If they feel the same

Or complete opposite

I wonder how things connect

And try to draw lines

But even though I stay distant

I feel inclined

To ask all the questions,

Because I want to know the answers

Yet I sit alone and stew

In what ifs, maybes and Nevers

Curiosity,

Oh how it drains me of solace

Though the mind runs wild

Still seeking knowledge

Of those who's secrets are kept

In the darkness.

While the door only opens

With the right lockpicks

The clues, the cheat codes

Are usually never the right option.

So instead of prying,

You wait for the connection

You wait for the next one

To open their door willingly

In hopes that you can help

With their sanity

Wanting to be a source of happiness

For someone they want to connect with

To be friends

And hope it was all worth it.

Hope if wasn't useless

Hoping to make a difference

No matter how small

To improve someones mood

Even if you are dissolved

Of all light

In this darkened room

Life

You're curious if you make things right

For those you care for

You want to make a difference

Yet feel so alone

Feeling inadequate

Feelings of indifference

Sighing at the thought of

Small talks

Sleepiness taking over

Emotions are a fickle thing.

Some are good

Some are bad

And some inbetween.

Imagine the sky, as clear as glass

Then suddenly, a lightening flash

The thunder rumbling

Resonating in your chest

Imagine the sun, as it peers

through the rain

After the storm

Smiling again.

Now imagine yourself

In the middle of the day

Staring out the window

And watching things change

Emotions can be correlated

To the change of weather

Where some times your sad

Then everything's better

Troubled by most

Though never all together

As the emotions run free

I. Am just completely unmotivated in life.

I have no current goals. I feel like I'm just living day to day. I'm lost still.. and can't seem to find my way.

Emotionally unstable to say the least, with swings that range in my daily struggles, leaving me less confident in my capabilities to manage my own mind. It's tiresome.

I'm growing weak to my minds constant efforts of draining my sensibility. It's as if I've gone haywire, the massive computer like structure has a virus. Yet I don't have the codes to fix the mess.

I'm trying.

Yet nothing has noticably triggered me to feel this way. It's just crept in, silently waiting for the day I feel less myself to show it's ugly face.

I truly wonder if I am insane some days. I feel the eyes of others wondering if I am playing games, yet this is not charades. It's not me wanting attention, it's not me trying to gain any kind of sympathy or wishing people see me as weak.

I don't want to sleep

I don't wanna eat

but it's not because I'm depressed about any certain thing

I wonder if you feel the same way as me

because all I can think about is you inside my dreams.

I can believe I'm saying this

it all seems so serene

that our hearts would ever feel the exact same fucking thing

but man oh man am I glad that I have these feelings

You're missing from my arms, but you are scattered all about my heart.

The walls are splayed with your love, overflown with your affection.

It could be a fire hazard.

But I'd let it burn if it meant you could burn with me.

In the heat of love.

You make me spew poetry from my lips like sweet nectar.

The syrup tapped from the maple in the midst of Autumn's wake.

I wish to dance with you in the falling leaves and hibernate when the frost takes over.

Let us lavish each others bodie's.

Our lips, they use our chest as playgrounds, leaving their marks to express possession of one another.

You are mine, as I am yours.

Our hearts entwined like tangled vines that grow from the foundation of our friendship.

18 years, and I never expected this.

18 years, how did we end up like this?

An unexpected love interest in the heart of a childhood kindness.

Alikeness in our ways, it's crazy how it seems so mindless.

An ease that I could never have imagined.

Timeless, our time together seems.

Priceless.

I couldn't imagine anything else like this.

Just you and I

Expressing mutual fondness.

Bliss.