It's been a long while...
The amount of time that has past has been.. significant. Life has a funny way of showing you what you needed to navigate through to get to where you are in the present moment. I would have NEVER imagined my life to be the way it is now, years ago, in the midst of all the heartache and chaos that was within me. All the confusion, all the doubt. Everything that culminated in those moments of darkness and sadness. It prepared me for the life I am living now. If you told me I would be having a child with a man who I will soon call my husband nearly 10 years ago, I would have laughed in your face. I would have told you that's not possible because I wasn't having children nor ever getting married. I didn't have the capacity to trust someone on that level. I scrutinized and criticized everyone I had ever been with, whether I realized it or not. I would hold them to a standard of a fantasied image I created in my mind. An image of a perfect relationship. An image of calm and peace i desperately desired.
Yet, when the image began to faulter with the quakes of partners uncaring, selfish natures, it was then I realized the comparisons to my "care takers" from childhood. Realizing that what I desired most wasn't something anyone else could give me. It was the faulty foundation I was building on that caused the catastrophes. The lack self-worth, the lack of care I put into myself. The fact I would allow things to happen to me because I felt "I deserved it." For the simple fact that I would hear the "care takers" voices resonate in my head about how much trouble I am, how people would see the "real" me. What they lacked was basic understanding and the unwillingness to actually see me for me. Instead of the troubled people they were when I was their age.
So... Here I stand to show that I am not, and was never that person they sought me to be. I have struggled, and made mistakes. I had neglected myself and tried to fit that mold they thought was perfect for me. Only to show them, they never truly knew me. Which brings me back to my main point, the light that shines brighter now than it ever has, even admits the struggles I still currently have. Healing is an ongoing process. Its something you will continue for the rest of your life, as triggers will ultimately unlock new things your mind may have suppressed. And I am here to tell you, that's okay! The people that care about you most will take the time to understand you, give you space to breath, to grow. They will allow you to be authentically yourself, without judgment. The partner you choose will be a reflection of yourself. A reflection of the person you are, with the qualities you desire to have. A perfect mix of similarities and differences.
You can choose the life you want to live. You just have to put the work in, and hope for the best. Be unapologetically yourself, feel your feelings, allow them the space they need to feel seen, then let them go. Harboring hurt, pain, and suffering is a punishment to only yourself and will fester and bleed onto anyone else your encounter. So hug that inner child of yours. Tell them they are loved and give them the love they always craved when they were physically here.
It may not be your fault for the wounds that were inflicted upon you. However, it is your responsibility to heal and grow from those wounds. Otherwise, you'll never know the life you could be living.














