Lover

Rainy days that make me wish for a boyfriend>>>>

When he melts to his knees every time I look at him.

I wish to be in love, maybe then i could write beautifully

As a child. I thought my future will hold something. It will have a purpose, some memories, some moments. But as an adult I realised, that I will be given nothing. Yes. Some people are lucky to have them. But i am not one of them. I will have nothing. Nothing but nightmares and sadness. They will be the only things that will keep me warm during the coldest days. No good memories but the life I once had which was comparatively better than mine today. Not ideal, but better. It makes me wonder that is this the reason I'm a yearner? Because i never got anything, that I keep yearning for things. I yearn for people. I yearn for moments. I yearn for memories. I yearn for life. But I get none. Cause I never had it. But I've seen what life feels like with them. And just for once. Just once. I want to experience it too. I want to know what its like to have good moments with it being ruined. What its like to get what you want without adjusting and thinking "well, atleast I got something." Make me look selfish, but then I think, it's not selfish for wanting something for yourself at least once in your life. But then I become selfish again. It's pathetic to want something you have know your whole life that it was mentioned for you. And when you don't get it, you hear stuff like "maybe it's not the time yet." Or "you will get something better." I might, I might not. But I'm not getting it now. When it is mentioned to be. And there I go again. Selfish. Maybe that's why I don't get what I want. Because instead of being grateful for what I have and thinking about my destiny, i cry over the things I don't get. I think it's a way of God punishing me. Or teaching me a lesson. But it makes me wonder. This is life. Life is mentioned to be lived. Not to learn and seek enlightenment. Then why do we need to learn lessons every second. Why should I find the morals in every ending? Can't it just be a a happy ending? Or better yet. Just an ending. Why do I need to learn a lesson? I want to just live in the moment without thinking "what have i learnt today?".