bro i don't even know at this point

i love both mafuyuki and mafuyama so much... like i’m so glad mafuyama exists and their story is so beautiful and healing, but i also can’t help get hung up on mafuyuki, it’s so devastating

i wish we had seen more of yuki, it’s really fascinating to me how when we saw him from only mafuyu and hiragi’s perspective he seemed like the most composed and confident guy when clearly, there was more laying beneath the surface. and the kindness in his eyes when he looks at mafuyu 🥺 like wow there must’ve been so much intimacy and love between them and it feels like what we see is just scratching the surface - but hey, that’s probably how it’s meant to be

on ash’s death, again:

it wasn’t the only way.

and by that i don’t mean that i curse the writers or think there was a better ending to write. the ending is devastatingly beautiful. but by that i mean it wasn’t fate.

there’s no way you can go on to convince me that healing wasn’t possible for him. that living in japan with eiji wasn’t possible. hell, the show even says he’s not the fucking leopard from snows of kilimanjaro, he could change his fate.

and there’s no way you could convince me it’s somehow happy that he died thinking he protected eiji. or that he couldn’t get redemption after what he had done. or that this was the only way for him to be happy. it’s not true. his happiness was the people he loved, max, eiji. an traumatized 18 years old’s death is not the way things are meant to be. it’s not happy. it’s not deserved.

then why does he bleed out in the library, when his wounds could have been treated you ask? because he believes it is.

because when he receives the letter and starts running he’s more hopeful than he has ever been in his life, it’s the first time he thinks he could be happy, it’s the first time he envisions a future outside of gangs and violence. he actually believes it, he’s ready to make an airport run to the love of his life and for a better future where he doesn’t have to fight and be hurt. and when that happens, lao stabs him.

and rationally, it’s a miscommunication situation. lao doesn’t know sing and ash settled on not fighting and he wants to protect his brother. but to ash? the first moment in his life where he was hopeful ended with a foolish mistake he never would have made if he hadn’t let his emotions get the best of him. to him, it feels like the confirmation of what he’s feared the entire show: that his enemies would always find him, that his love for eiji is weakness and that he attracts danger wherever he goes

but it’s not true. goldzine is dead. foxx is dead. lao would’ve stopped coming after him after learning about him and sing. yut lung doesn’t care anymore. max’s story would’ve cleared him as a victim. no one would follow him to japan.

but he’s tired. he’s a fatalist, and somewhat suicidal, probably. his entire life he was miserable and this time he did what he had to do, eiji’s safe, so why would he keep fighting, if he doesn’t believe in his future after lao stabs the hope out of him?

that’s, to me, why he lets himself die. because he lost all hope and feels as if he has nothing left to live for. and it kills me, because i love him so much, and he deserved so much better.