Hello, love. ツ

It happened again. I was cheated on, again.

I am not sure how men looks at me. To them, am I worth it? To them, can I be anyone but special? To them, do I deserve the love that is true and everlasting? 

As I’m writing this down, I’m holding back my tears.

As I’m writing this down, I’m trying to put back the pieces of myself back together.

Shaking as I was then, I still am now.

To anyone, is my voice ever important? Is my presence anything but special?

To anyone, is my love of high regard that it was so precious, that the last thing he wanted was to see me hurt?

I was stunned to know the truth, because I have loved and trusted the man heart and soul. Some of his words  weren’t believable but I am staying with him believing he wouldn’t do anything to see me cry because that is what you do right? You take care of the people you love.

The worst part of it was that, he’d lie to my face as if I do not deserve to know the truth. That he was in love with someone else and I am just, I don’t know, an option?

He apologized for everything but the idea that his love for her was strong still wouldn’t sink in. I was trying to understand what went wrong. What love have I not given. What care have I not shown. What smile have I not cherished. His words about her was on my mind on the loop.

He was moving on with her, and I was moving on with what happened. I kept telling myself, “Nagmahal lang naman ako ah” I am not clean, I know. I have done so many wrong things and we had our fair share of fights but was it up to the point that he’d resort to infidelity? He was being strong for himself, but I have to be stronger for  the both of us. I have seen him cry and breakdown because of  her, but I couldn’t do that so I have to be strong for myself. I am lonely. It was so sad and hurtful how do I recover? I really wanted to. I really would love to.

I will never be as in love with anyone else,

I’m sorry, but... I’m writing this down.

Hindi ko na matiis ang kaligayahan na dala ng mga paru-paro na malayang gumagala sa loob ng sikmura kong wala naman laman kundi iba’t ibang uri ng likido at pangarap... parangap na ikaw na nga. Ikaw nang tunay.

Sinliwanag ng araw. Sinisilaw ako ng mga sinag nito at hindi iyon ikinubli ng maawain mong mga mata at malambing mong mga salita. Hindi mo ninais, kung kaya’t ako ang humihingi ng patawad. Hindi mo man ginusto, pero iyon ay kasalanan ko.

Sinlakas ng maingay na tambol. Ang laya ng aking isipan na tinutungo ang madalas ang iyong kinaroroonan. Hindi na nito inalintana ang lakas ng iba’t ibang tunog sa paligid. Hindi ito nagalit, ibig nitong magmahal. Tama, sa gitna ng ingay, ibig nitong magmahal.

Iniibig na kita. Hindi ko maamin sa sarili ko at hinding hindi ko aaminin sa iyo. Matagal na kitang nakikita pero ngayon lang kita nakilala. Hindi ko ibig makita ang mga tingin mo dahil alam kong hindi ko kakayanin ang katotohanan na dala nito. Na maaaring hindi ako. Na maaaring hindi ako? Marahil ay... hindi ako.

Pinananalangin kitang may ngiti sa aking mga labi ngunit ang paghihintay ay unti unti akong kinikitil. Ang kamatayan ay maligaya akong idinuduyan at hinihilo. Hindi nya ako kukunin, paglalaruan lang. Iyon. Iyon ang nakakapeste sa lahat.

At kahit anong ligaya ko’y di mo malalaman. At ang pagkadurog ng aking puso’y di mo mamamalayan.

His eyes were gleaming

The night made it better

The tux fits fine

And her eyes is such a wonder

There she is

not in the picture

but is inside the box

there she is

she was developed in the film

without a face

without a face

Her eyes were gleaming

The night made it better

The dress fits fine

And his eyes is such a wonder

She and her is

different

Her and she is

not the same person

He, she, her

He is in the middle

She is in his eyes

he wakes up smiling. next thing he knew, he was staring blankly at the ceiling. but, little by little, the smile is beginning to wipe off. he then asked himself, "was i dreaming? those three days with her... were they real?" he looked beside him and there was nothing but the other half of the clean white sheet he was covering himself with. "it was nothing but a dream, i guess." he removed the thin sheet occupying his body, leaving the bed messy and unattended. he didn't care. he would clean it up afterwards, he thought. as he went down, there was a noise coming from the kitchen. and, there was a very delicious smell as well.

"i'll be leaving before you. i need to be early today, i'll be setting up for the kids' church. i already cooked so eat up before you leave okay? and oh, i'm leaving the car keys on top of the television. we can go home together after the service, alright?" she said with bright eyes and even brighter smile.

he didn't know what she was saying the entire time because he was just happy because his dreams, are actually reality.

"oh! i almost forgot!" she exclaimed. she hurriedly but gracefully walked before him. she leaned and kissed him. "i love you. i'll see you later."

i was thinking of seeing the sea

and i thought it would be nice if you are there with me

we would gaze at the stars when the sun had set

I love the rain.

And the storm.

And the wind.