Transcription:

Panel 1: Husband: So I’ve been growing the beard for awhile... Wife: It’s so fuzzy!

Panel 2: Husband: Oh you mean like this? *kiss kiss kiss* Wife: Oh nooo! I always knew this was how it would end. Nommed to death by a bearded Internet man.

Transcription:

Panel 1:  Husband and wife are lying in bed. Husband is awake and reading his phone. Wife is asleep with blanket pulled over her head.

Panel 2: Wife pulls the blanket down off her head and suddenly says, “What if people typed on keyboards with only their thumbs? So it would be like...folded in half and typing laterally?”

Panel 3: Husband and wife just stare at one another.

Transcription:

Panel 1: Wife and husband are sitting silently, reading a book and doing the computer.

Panel 2: Toddler walks into the room.

Panel 3:  Toddler *throwing self on the floor*: EEEEE

Panel 4: Toddler: *peeking to see if he is being watched*

Panel 5: Toddler: UNNNH. ARRRR. EHHHH.

Transcription:

Panel 1: (Husband and wife are walking down a city street, hand-in-hand.) Wife: Do you have any idea where you want to eat? Husband: I haven’t seen anything I really want yet.

Panel 2: (The camera zooms in on an abandoned store. There used to be a name painted on the store but it is smudged out.) Husband: I wonder what that place used to be.

Panel 3: Wife: Oh, that’s Shmudgy’s Restaurant. Locals called it The Shmudge. Husband: Oh, of course.

Panel 4: Wife: If I ever open a restaurant I’ll name it The Shmudge. Husband: What kind of restaurant will it be?

Panel 5: Wife: Ultra fancy. You get a huge plate with just a shmudge of steak puree... Husband: So your target demographic is? Wife: Old rich grandpas with no teeth.

Transcription:

Panel 1: Wife: *pointing at an angry squirrel* This squirrel wants to fight me.

Panel 2: Husband: Please don’t fight a squirrel. Wife: You don’t think I’d win?!

Panel 3: Husband: I don’t think you’d emerge unscathed! Wife: Do you think I’m unscathed EMOTIONALLY if I back down?!

Transcription:

Panel 1: Wife: Do you want the rest of my food? Husband: if you don’t.

Panel 2: Wife: Yeah. I got too much. My eyes are bigger than my head. Husband: ...uh

Panel 3:  Wife: Wait. No. I mean my stomach. My eyes are exactly as big as my head.

Transcription:

Panel 1: Husband: So today I had to explain Watergate to one of my gymnasts.

Panel 2: Wife: *blink blink*

Panel 3: Wife: oh geez. I am too tired today.

Transcription:

Panel 1: Husband: Soooo thirsty...if only I had some water... Wife: I know a magical lever you can use to get water anytime.

Panel 2: Husband: ...is...is it you? Wife: What? No! It’s the sink!

Panel 3: Husband: ...What did you say, again? Wife: There’s a magical lever...

Transcription:

Panel 1:  Husband: You have to get uuuuup. Wife (hiding under blankets): noooooo

Panel 2: Wife: I am a hermit now

Panel 3: Husband: We have to go see our friends! Wife: I am a HERMIT

Transcription:

Panel 1: Husband: ACHOO Wife: (quietly) Bless you.

Panel 2: Husband: Thank you.

Panel 3: Husband: ACHOO Wife: (quietly) Sneezebag.

Transcription:

Panel 1: Wife: Don’t eat the cake on the counter. You’ll die. Husband: Oh. You put nuts in it?

Panel 2: (...)

Panel 3: Wife: Nooo. I put cyanide in it.

Transcription:

Panel 1:  Wife: (reading a book)

Panel 2: Husband: *singing as he marches through the room, to the tune of The Muffin Man* Where’d I put the packing tape, the packing tape, the packing tape...

Panel 3: Wife: *also singing* I’ve not seen the packing tape

Transcription: 

Panel 1: Wife: Whatcha workin’ on? Husband: FMD.

Panel 2: Wife: I know that means Five Minute Devotions, but I always think “Full Metal Devotions.” Husband: Great idea. I’m scrapping the whole thing. Starting over with an electric guitar.

Panel 3: Wife: Do you accept feedback on your ideas Husband: *playing air guitar with a determined look on his face* Like a bad sound system: the more feedback, the better!

Transcription:

Panel 1: Husband: I read online that Costco is selling 27 lb buckets of macaroni now.

Panel 2: Wife: I know. You’ve mentioned it twice now. Husband: It’s so much macaroni! Wife: We don’t need a 27 lb bucket of macaroni.

Panel 3: Husband: Then how do you want to take home 27 lbs of macaroni? Box? Loose? You want 27 lbs of loose mac?

Transcription:

Panel 1: Wife, looking out window: Whoa! It’s really snowing out! I wasn’t sure if it was just going to sleet and crap.