into the light

The end.

I’ve never been good at the end. Never good at goodbye.

Thank you.

I need that thank you to truly sit. Thank you for giving me the end I needed. There’s never any closure but there is this. An ending that doesn’t end in vitriol.

“Take care of yourself” are the last words you’ll say to me. I couldn’t imagine anything more. Thank you for giving me an end that spoke truth to the reality of it all. I’m sorry I kept it cryptic in all the ways I did because I didn’t want to be the one to say it. Thank you for saying it. For putting everything into words the way you always did.

We were only a season for each other and that’s what I mourn, it’s what I’ve been refusing. Thank you for the “closure” you’ve given me to work towards the acceptance. Thats my final piece to work through on my own. Thank you for giving me all you could.

With everything I have in me,

Everything I say and do is wrong. Proven in the time you spent to make a diagram to tell me “this is all the ways you could’ve handled it, but didn’t”. When I was telling you how you could hold space for me better, asking you for softness in the first place.

I saw you in the capybara at the coffeeshop, I saw you in the the pikmin plushie at dylynns.

Discord wanted me to acknowledge our 3 year anniversary. I almost thought about sending you a gif, a congrats. It made me wonder if you’d block me.

I wanted to reach out, I’m still fighting myself not to. It makes me wonder if all of these are tests. Like I’m proving to myself that I won’t cave, won’t throw us back into the vicious cycle.

I’m still here — wishing things were different. Wishing we were in the alternate reality where we worked out, I hadn’t hurt you and been hurt by you.

Even with all the hurt I’m the most mad at myself for still believing that there’s a reality where we stopped getting at each others throats, forgave each other, we did the work and it was felt by us both, one where we built a life and a family together, one where made it out together.