Ever since I started working almost 5 years ago, I've been on the move non-stop. I wake up at dawn to get to work on time. In my first job, I worked through Saturdays. In my current job, I can stay at my office (which is 2 hours away from home!) until 8 or 9 pm, with no hard feelings. On weekdays, more often than not, I go home just having enough time to sleep before the grind starts again.
On weekends, I usually have get-togethers planned with friends. If there are none, I make my own and just bask in my solitary presence. Sundays dinners with family are always spent out. In short, I have always been out the past years. Being on the go for almost 5 years has helped me manage my anxiety in dealing with people, relating with people, learning/trying out new things, and just putting myself out there. You don't know how far along I have gotten in working through my social anxiety and self-esteem issues the past 5 years. Having all these physical, social, and environmental distractions help me get out of my head. Now, a month into this Enhanced Community Quarantine, I fear that I am going through a spiral.
Being cooped up at home forces me to be alone with my thoughts, and to be honest, in times like this, my mind is not a very pleasant place to be. The constant grind and living out into the world the past years allowed me to live out of my head. Now, the situation is forcing me to go back inside of my mind, and it can get quite paralyzing in there.
In terms of relationships, I crave real, in-flesh connections. I need to see non-verbals to be reassured, as well as quality time and physical presence - both of which are not very COVID-19 friendly. Though almost non-existent in social media, I make up for it by being ever-present and active in person - in events, celebrations, gatherings, simple dinners. This crisis forcing us all to rely heavily on digital makes me fear that I might get eradicated from the hearts and minds of the people I've grown to love. My expertise in relating with people, in person, works well with my current job. In the digital scene, I'm not yet quite sure how I can be as effective. As we move into the 100% digital age of the ECQ, I fear that I might be deemed as useless and ineffective in my job, too.
At the end of it all, while the rest of the world is battling with a much, much heavier crisis, I really should not be one to speak about having such mundane issues. I wish I didn't have to think/feel this way and be more productive instead, just like many of my peers. I wish I can be part of a greater solution - and I wish my mind would stop restricting me from being at my best this season.
Tonight I pray that the world heals from this crisis. I also pray for you. If you're affected by this in ways you can't articulate, I hope you find the light that will pull you through. I hope we can make it out lively and well.
tangentwithtanner
origamiaround
kianamaiart
turnnoffyourmind
annaxmalina
theartofmadeline
vaporwave
areudirty
