#zjirl

So I’d never even heard of Death Note before late 2017, as anime and manga were never my thing. I’d seen a few eps of Hellsing etc here and there but hadn’t ever had an anime grab my attention or interest. Around maybe October (?) last year I actually saw an ad for the bad Noteflix movie on Facebook of all places. The picture they had of Ryuk was like ‘whoa’ and I’d never seen anything like that, so when the movie came to Netflix I watched it. 😩 What a disappointment. I thought the ideas of a Death Note and of shinigami were fascinating though and complained to a friend of the wasted opportunity with that movie. They laughed and directed me to the anime, said it was really good! It was on Netflix too so I decided to give the first episode a shot, thinking it would be like all other animes that bored me to tears.

I WAS WRONG

I binged the entire anime over a few days, and I luckily had no spoilers on ep 25 or the end so everything hit me like a freight train. Death Note buried itself under my skin and didn’t let go.

I thought about Light and L’s supposed cross purposes and began to think about how similar they were. Lonely people, set apart from others but with so much in common. I saw their relationship change over the first arc and how Light often thought of/missed L in the second arc. I loved their mind games, how both were so morally grey yet convinced of their own justice. How both were compromised, how no one really won.

I loved Light’s character, his strength, determination, and intelligence. And I came to wonder whether the Death Note could have been used as a positive force in the world. I identified with his drive to change the world, be the best, his misguided mission to help people (lol not with the same methods obviously). There were positive traits he had I admired, which made it confusing since he was supposed to be a villain right?

I wanted to write him a better ending, a story where he and L could work together towards some unified goal. I started Checkmate about a week after seeing the anime, and 30 fanfics and almost a year later, I’m still here and not going anywhere.

The one time I saw the Cure and they played a 3-hour show of like everything, but refused to play Friday I’m in Love. Like please, we will sway sadly for you but let us dance like fools once too ok?

Like all kids, I’d been stung by ants, had even run screaming into the house from them on occasion. Ants were what ruined summer picnics and pieces of cake left on the counter too long. Ants were swarming devils, the bane of flip flop feet and careless cloud-watching in the backyard. I stomped them when I saw them, kicked their nests for payback for all the itches they’d gifted me with. I knew ants.

We were on vacation in New England when he told me to do it, and I gave him a look like ‘what? No way!’

But again he encouraged me to do it, to trust him. I looked between him and those angry-looking ants, and I knew it was going to hurt, knew that I’d be bitten and sore and scratchy for the rest of the trip.

I wanted to prove to him that I’d do it, that I was brave and that I did trust him. So I stuck my hand in that ant hill and waited, holding back tears as they crawled over me as just another nuisance in their carefully constructed world. Not a single one stung me. I watched their forms more closely, noticing now how they were black not red or rust-colored like the demons back home.

“Black ants don’t sting.” My Dad put his hand in too and let them crawl around between the hairs on his arm, smiling at me.

I pulled my hand out of the dirt and felt a little sad at the glimpse of ant eggs beneath. “I ruined it.” The little black ants were scurrying to repair the damage right away, maybe hoping God was done tormenting them and they could get back to business.

My Dad said, “They’ll fix it, make new tunnels in the dirt. Think what the rain does to it every time it showers. Or the wind. But you learned something, right?”

“Maybe they’ll build better ones this time. Move the eggs somewhere safer.” I wanted to believe that at least.

We both brushed the tiny astronauts back into their nest, wandering off to do something else ourselves.

I thought about those ants a lot over the years, when a careless, but perhaps trusting, hand that wanted to know damaged me. I dug new tunnels, better ones than before, and moved the eggs somewhere safer. Maybe the hand learned something.

Me [pulls up the old Netflix, grabs a beer]: Whelp, I just hope there’s no impossibly hot megalomaniacs with a god complex or anything

[Light appears]👇🏻

Me: oh shit. But at least there’s not some tragic repressed relationship built on mental sparring and a mutual desire to kill each other

[L appears]

Me: oh shit! But at least L’s not like stalling catching Light cause he’s enjoying their game and they’re developing feelings or anything

L 👇🏻

Me: SHIT! BUT AT LEAST ONE OR BOTH OF THEM DONT DIE SO I HAVE TO WRITE TOMES OF FIX-IT FIC!!!1!1!!!

[e’rebody dies tragic-like]

Me👇🏻

by @sociopathic-antichrist thanks!

I’ve done this meme before so I’ll just repost the parts that haven’t changed

Colors I am currently wearing: Aqua tank top and I got some black silk cargo pants on. I am feeling both comfortably extra and vaguely 2004

Last band t-shirt I bought: Foo Fighters

Last band I saw live: ☝🏻

Lipstick or Chapstick: lipstick. Red. My current fav Rouge Matte by Givenchy

Last song I listened to: Midnight City by M83, the video is the inspiration of a fic I’m writing

Last movie I saw: No Country for Old Men, on Netflix

Last 3 shows I watched: The Walking Dead, I Am a Killer, The Big Bang Theory

Books I’m currently reading: the Death Note Manga, Love in the Time of Cholera, The Ovid