(sort of a tangential continuation of this post)

Meeting Zero brought Ardwin a lot of closure when it came to Zenos, on several fronts.

A big part of it was learning how Zenos treated her: that it wasn't a typical reaper's contract, like Ardwin had expected, but a matter of complete exploitation. (Ardwin was initially in denial about this a little bit, wanting to hope that the situation was primarily Fandaniel's doing and that Zenos wasn't aware of the extent of it - that perhaps at least he was unaware that she wasn't a true voidsent - but Zero quickly refuted that idea.)

That was absolutely horrifying to Ardwin for obvious reasons. It still would have been horrifying if Zero was a regular voidsent, given that Ardwin, by this point, had picked up reaper - partly motivated, whether she admitted it or not, by a desire to understand Zenos better - and had developed an exceptionally amicable working relationship with Other, though at least that situation would have been more in line with the sort of scumbaggery she expected from him. Ardwin was, obviously, aware of him being a shitty tyrant, using people as tools to achieve his own ends, and the gratuitous murder. But she found a difference between that sort of cruelty on a relatively impersonal level (which she had largely seen thus far) compared to what he did with Zero.

So, for one thing, that discovery immediately withered away any lingering attraction Ardwin felt towards him. Which resolved the issue of her being attracted to him (which she had only actually realized after she had killed him) and then feeling conflicted about being attracted to him because he was objectively a terrible person.

It also resolved her conflicted feelings - and regret - about whether he could have changed for the better, if she hadn't killed him. At first, she thought maybe he could have changed for the better, given the chance; he had helped the refugees in Thavnair, he had been willing to listen to Alisaie, and most importantly, he had come through when it counted. Even if it was ultimately for self-serving purposes, he had saved her, and helped save the universe. But now, knowing that he was still using Zero in that way, all the way to the very end, Ardwin had to conclude that those sparks of hope she thought she had seen had ultimately been meaningless; that he really hadn't changed at all.

Finally, it resolved her uncertainty about whether she should have won their final fight (see previous post linked at top). In Ardwin's opinion, a voidsent contract was, in the contest between them, fair game, especially since Zenos was Garlean and couldn't use aether. However, the absolutely-not-a-contract shit he pulled with Zero was completely out of bounds, and Ardwin's own miraculous survival after being gutted like a fish paled in comparison on the scale of Unfair Bullshit Moves. Therefore, she absolutely won, end of story, and also, fuck that guy in the least sexual way possible.

Apart from the massive reframing of a lot of Ardwin's opinions after learning about Zero's treatment, having someone to talk to who was A. a front-row witness to pretty much the entire sordid drama, B. completely nonjudgmental, and C. Not Her, was immensely helpful.

She couldn't talk to the Scions about it; they hadn't been there when he showed up in Ultima Thule and only got to witness the aftermath (in the form of Ardwin turning up half dead) which - presumably - hadn't helped any of their opinions on the guy. She couldn't talk to Ardbert; they had established a mutual embargo on the topic of Zenos after he had brought it up while she was recovering in Sharlayan, and when he tried to push the topic, she lashed out with a very vicious emotional low blow. It was the absolute worst fight they've had as partners, and neither of them wanted to repeat it. She could talk to Fray - and Fray did make her talk about it before Zero showed up, which was good, because it laid the critical groundwork of Ardwin at least no longer trying to bite off people's heads (metaphorically or literally) for trying to bring him up. However, Fray - being mostly made of Ardwin's emotions and memories - was a little limited in their perspective just by their nature. (Also Fray had immediately jumped on the Fuck That Guy (Very Nonsexually) bandwagon as soon as they split off, solely based on what he had done to Ardwin, so they were a little biased.)

So, by comparison, Zero's honest curiosity was an absolute breath of fresh air. It was also nice getting to hear Zero's insight into Zenos's point of view.

to be loved