#zeroconfidence

Forward to March 2011, you can already tell just by looking at my face. I never weighed myself, nor did I take measurements. I realized I was gaining weight because clothes started getting tighter, but I never thought I had to do something about it. It was definitely presenting itself right in my face but I was too lazy to do anything. Sweat started coming from places I never knew even produced sweat. My thighs were chaffing. Arms started flapping, and I had a protruding belly. Did I do anything? Yeap, sure did. I bought new clothes, got a new haircut and in my mind I was fine. 

How is this weight gain possible? You never gained weight, been sporty all your life, ate what ever you wanted. It’s probably just the alcohol but that’s fine ‘cause you only drink a few times a week. And anyway, even if you’re really gaining weight, once you start exercising again it’ll all go away. Keep doing you girl. You’ll be fine whenever you’re ready. 

Occasionally I would hit the gym. When I say occasionally I mean maybe do a 30 minute jog every three months. That was how terrible it got. I could come up with all the excuses in the world but honestly I was just too fucking lazy to get off my ass. 

December 2013

I think this was when I hit my peak in size. Seriously I wa shuge. This was ta my dad’s wedding. My sister and I were his BestWomen. It’s like I have 2 fish balls in either sides of my cheeks. 

Lie I said, I never weighed myself, but I knew at this point I was huge. I already felt my confidence taking a major dip. The dress I wore was super low in the front so I had major booature. I was so self-conscious about that because I was thinking like I’m already fat, people don’t need to see my boobs on top of all the extra flaps they’re seeing since boobs are made up mostly entirely out of fat. I didn’t really have much of a choice with the dress because it had come so late, there was no changing the outfit. I remember getting pretty wasted to distract myself from the outfit I was wearing and how I looked in it. 

I pretty much maintained this size until 2015 and I don’t know what it was but I decided things needed to change. 

January 2016

I went through a breakup in mid 2014 and even a year on, I was still in that slump. I realized things needed to change, more specifically, I needed to change. 

My friend Auds introduced me to a gym she was going to and it was great. The trainers and people were awesome, no judgement. I had completely fallen in love with a new sport. I picked up Muay Thai pretty slowly but I didn’t see it as a workout and instead as a new hobby. I started making new friends, and soon enough because a permanent fixture in the gym since I was there 6 days a week. It was a perfect - a 20 minute walk from my house, the class times fit into my after work schedule and the classes were amazingly enjoyable. I was losing weight and becoming healthy and learning a new sport I loved. I can safely say I hold it as dear to my heart as I do tennis. 

My confidence was rising and I felt like I was becoming my old self again - never afraid to show my personality, always up for a good time. I felt my self getting healthier, my muscles becoming stronger, and less of my body was jiggling. 

This lasted about a year, and doom struck. THE FUCKING GYM SHUT DOWN. 

July 2017

Back to square fucking one. 

All the weight eventually came back by mid 2016. All the effort down the damn drain. 

I tried joining another gym with the same trainer but it was just too far. The commute to work took too long and the class times just weren’t right. The classes weren’t as dynamic as the previous gym and it just wasn’t it. Imagine commuting from Bukit Batok to Katong every day for the classes and have to go home to Serangoon. Literally west to east to central every single day. It was just too much for me. I eventually gave up on going to that gym and started working out myself. 

I have slowly come to develop a routine for exercise and getting my diet back on track. Is it easy doing this by myself? Fuck no. I have so many days whee I really want a snickers bar, Wimbly Lu’s waffles & ice-cream or just a damn pack of hokkien noodles. Having like 6 pints and just be happy with the size I am. My confidence is back down right now, but I will get back up there again. 

I know people say you’re not determined by the way you look and all that but I’m seriously just not happy being this size. I need to get fitter, more toned. It’s not even about what others’ say about me anymore, it’s just me. People who know me, know that I do not care about what others’ say. They know I live my life beating my own drum and dancing to my own beat. 

Do I wish I had the confidence to be happy with my body? Yea of course, I’m sure everybody does. I just have that personality that constantly picks on small things, especially when it’s about myself. 

You will get there someday. You will be that fun, confident, loving, fearless chick in the group again. You will find happiness. You already have great family, supportive friends, a good job, and all the necessities required to lie a fulfilling life. 

Learn to accept your flaws and shortcomings. Work on them but do not obsess. You will get there soon girl, don’t fret. Reward comes to those who work for it, so get a move on chicka and just fucking do it.