#zero anon

Player: "Yeah, it was pretty fun though! I even got to-"

Kyoto: "Uh, Player-? You there-?"

Anyways, hope you liked my silly little headcannon! Signing off,

- Zero/⭕️ Anon

Definitely feel what you mean by there being a cycle to it. Trying not to be "toxic" is draining and being drained just puts me on edge which makes me want to do stupid and sometimes blatantly dangerous shit. Fortunately I'm more in control than i used to be so i didn't burn the entire bridge immediately but that's a pretty low bar right

But yeah idk im still not getting wtf happened to the point i dont think i can empathize with "normal" people. Like. This person thanked me for apologizing. You wanted an apology?? Man if someone apologizes to me i assume they have an angle. I was low-key expecting it to turn into another argument. Honestly i don't even know if i care that much about these people but host does and I'm tryna at least build something symbiotic with them yknow? But it makes it hard to try cuz especially in the moment i don't even know how to want to do better. And maybe trying to resolve in-system problems is part of it, i used to treat the host like shit and now that my target's gone i don't know what to do with myself? Idk that doesn't sound right and there's no direction to this anymore im just typin and I'm probably too tired to make sense.

"But yeah it sucks tryna find any help especially because therapyspeak also sets me off. I mean everything sets me off lmao but yeah."

Fucking LMAO felt that and same with the therapyspeak.

I mean it doesn't anymore, but like in the original post I did put the disclaimer cause our system frequently does therapyspeak on here and in life as a form of like... semi-professionality and way of being inclusive and respectful to people - particularly those that tend to be more sensitive (Not bad, just different) and I fully respect that tbh, but it frustrates me and is not something I as a part (unless operating as a fused whole) will partake in cause its just like... not my language and I just really don't have the patience or fucks to give to keep that sort of thing going. Plus honestly, I don't know how they integrate all the qualifiers and validations in without it COMPLETELY derailing what they're saying. Like I can do it when I'm fused as a part of the whole and all because >I< don't have to do it, but like.... ask me when I'm talking just as myself?? Fuck man I can't do it even if I want to without sounding like I'm trying to present a court case to a judge and that "trying to appeal to the court of public opinion" pisses me off.

So like one of my things I just establish with people who know us / talk to us, is that if they intend to talk to me specifically, don't be upset when I 100% drop the therapyspeak / stilted speech (variant) that every other part in our system (other than Aderis) seems to do. It's exhausting and if you ask to speak to me / hear from me and can't understand that me Not Using Therapyspeak isn't the same as me being intentionally hostile or mean, then tbh I don't know why you came walking onto my lawn and knocking on my front door /hj

The whole last paragraph

Yeah dude I get that whole shtick. I actually actively tried to kill Riku internally and was getting close to escalating to physically at a point in time so, big relate.

As far as apologies and shit goes, a way I like to look at it as someone who doesn't really feel remorse, is that most of my apologies come from a place of me acting in a way I disagree with - on principle / value - and wanting to right that to still sustain my own personal integrity with myself.

I don't apologize because I feel bad, because its rare that I 'feel bad' - I apologize because on a very fundamental way, I think the way I did something did not align with what is important / valuable. When I don't act in line with what I care about and whats important to me, I am disrespecting myself and I think its important to hold myself accountable. I apologize to restore my own self respect.

I can't be mad, confident in my upset, and hold myself to it, if I am a hypocrite or don't hold myself to the standard I want others to return back to me. If I live by and to my own standards, then when I get annoyed at others for being shitheads, I actually am coming from a position where my entire case is undermined by the fact I wouldn't even be able to make myself happy.

Related but kind of circling back to your comment on doing better / being better and all, while I think its important to have the "but host does and I'm trying to do something symbiotic with them" motivation and that having it as a motivation is very good and helpful (was for me as well), but I think it's important to boil it down to something that personally motivates *you* specifically.

There's only so much dedication and healing you can do for someone else and almost always, you will get stopped when the amount it costs you to recover will outweigh how much you actually care for the person / thing you are trying to heal for. Recovery and changing behavior is hard and often challenges long standing ways of existing that feel really fucking good; that limit of motivation is inevitable.

That being said, you are motivated to make something symbiotic with the host and that's a decent motivation to try to do better, it's a great start, but why are you motivated to make something symbiotic with the host? Why aren't you just trying to make them go dormant? Why don't you just try to take over? Why don't you just say "fuck the healthy things, I'm going to do what I want and let it all be damned"? In what way does doing anything nice or neutral for the host serve you, SPECIFICALLY you?

Of course, I'm not genuinely asking this in a "yeah bro go kill your host" sort of way, because I think its an amazing and great idea to work on that; I'm asking it to pose the question as to what exactly motivates you in the first place to even try to even want to be slightly nice / symbiotic with the host? Cause something has to be motivating you to want to try doing something symbiotic. That thing probably is also related and can be extrapolated to the actual big picture of doing better.

For me, the reason I try to not impede in the overall systems / Riku's goals and ideas is because

I deeply value the partnership I've developed with Riku and the two of us are ride or die. If they have a goal, I'll do my best to at least not impede it and ideally support it - even if its personally annoying

I have come to really enjoy peace and stability internally in our system. I enjoy being able to laugh and snark around with the system and its not nearly as fun to do when everyone is authentically and genuinely panicked / stressed. I can spend more money and time doing things I like to do and exploring fun opportunities when we are stable and at peace; therefore, it benefits me to respect things that mean a lot to the other parts

I hate cunts and ngl I was being a massive cunt and fuck do I not want to be the type of person I hate.

When it comes down to it, if I am in a shit place or have something I care about, Riku and the rest of the system would support me and help me engage in what I care about. Originally I hated being in dept to others, so I can't accept that from them (and they don't take me rejecting them) without reciprocating. More lately, I can't rely on them to cover my back and keep an eye out for things that are important to me if they are suffering and what not.

Like I could honestly go on and on for the list of reasons I do the things I do despite the fact I'm much more prone - on my own - to blazing a path of violent glory to having my ideas and ideals met. If I didn't have my other parts and the life we've collectively established, I honestly still would run off, do 'crime' in the name of my vision and die early living to what I think needs to be done cause I'm just like that. But I'm not here on my own and I honestly find my parts and the life we've collectively made more than really anything else, including my personal values and morals on how the world should run.

At the end of the day, you can't force someone who has no benefit from being "good" to want to be good - even for someone else. Some people would say "well everyone benefits from being good" but honestly, my brains fucking broken and even without being suicidal, I am more than fine dying or getting hurt if it means getting going after what I want.

As a part I was made to aggressively dominate one of our primary abusers and establish my rules in the household by whatever means necessary. I don't really fathom "what if I get hurt" or "what if this isn't worth it" because that sort of stuff never fucking mattered in my foundational experiences as a part and I think its ridiculous for anyone to expect me to suddenly understand that as a part when it was probably something I formed EXPLICITLY dissociated from so I could do what I had to do.

I just simply found something I care more about than establishing "my rules" in every group that I'm in (which btw would not be satiated until I was King of the Universe; which is another reason I had to Figure My Shit Out because I was aware of how impossible it was and that I would absolutely die before I got to any place where I'd be done and tbh it wouldnt be productive anyways)

ANYWAYS

Returning back to the first part of the ask, you are free to DM us if you like. The only thing about DMs is that I honestly probably am more likely to forget to reply because tumblr's DM system sucks and sometimes marks shit as read and thus removes the notification and we aren't online enough to remember every conversation here.

😔….

kissing away your insecurites, every curves of your body while keep telling you how much he loves everything, every little thing about you and your body, calling you beautiful so many times with his soft whisper voice. if you trying to cover your body from him, at first he will just stare at you, unsure what to do and he just smile, with a little blush in his cheek, hand caressing your face. 'are you okay, baby?' of course not, itadori yuuji, the man you would easily, without much question, give all of your entire life for him, if you can give the world for him, you will do it instantly. right now, his body is above you, moonlight shines within his shirtless body, showing you a perfect picture of how gorgeous he is. you think often, what did you do in your previous life to get such a perfect man like him? you just nod your head to his question, nuzzling your face to his palm, kissing it softly. he can feels your lips trembles. 'baby, you know it's okay if you-' 'no!' you let out a whine 'please.... i want this' you cut his words off before he continue. he's a little bit shocked and turned on after that, but he got his soft smile back. then, he kiss your hand, the upper one that covering your body from him, keeping his lips there for a while. 'angel, do you trust me?' a sweet nickname rolled off from his tongue, he kiss your hand once again 'don't worry, just relax and i'll take care of you. okay?' you nod your head, your hand slowly getting away, he's giving you a kiss in the part that you've been hiding from him earlier, 'it's fine, just tell me if you don't like it. and i'll stop' now his face is getting closer, he probably can sense how much you miss the soft lips of his on yours, you can still taste the sweetness of strawberry juice he drink before all of this happened. tongue dancing between the passion kiss, a thin string of saliva can be seen when the two of you part, need an air to breath. his forehead now touching yours, his eyes locked to your face, trying to memorize every little detail 'i want you to feel good, baby. i love you, love you so much' you can't help but smile at his word, you cup his cheek, kissing him in the lips . that's right. you don't need to worry about anything when you're with him.

hello! this is my first time sending ask and i'm sorry it's much longer than i intended to, this have been living on my head for a whole day and the first person i thought i need to share it, is you💞 ijustloveyourwritingsomuch- english is not my mother language, i'm pretty sure there is errors and please forgive me for that, i'm just hoping, you understand what i've tried to write(´；ω；｀) i literally would do anything for softdom! yuuji, really. he's the best. i can't ask for more. cries. but thank you for taking your time reading this(｡･ω･｡)ﾉ♡

sincerely, zero anon.

-zero

Any Anons that haven't been adopted yet are free to get adopted by me, if they so wish. :>

y-yeah that sounds like a good idea, which one will go first?

Iss it not obvious?

Yeah just go in you’re practically dying to see him