#zelph

All hail Zelph.

>be me >22 year old baby trans in the I-70 Pilgrimage Route of the Midwest Autonomous Region, year of our lord 2069 >swordmaster girlfailure with a mastery of the hissatsu ougi and no other marketable skills >just saved my friend Wendy Saints (I have friends like a cool and normal person) from certain death, probably >and I delivered a very cool one liner and my voice definitely didn’t break at all >Wendy hugged me :) >hey girl it’s good to see you agai- >she has already started looting the bodies >(god I wish I was a freshly stabbed corpse getting looted by a buff cowgirl milf like Wendy) >(her hair is so good. how does she keep it so clean. it’s the post-apocalypse where is she finding conditioner) >”split it fifty-fifty?” >huh >she holds up a blood-spattered itunes gift card (the new national currency) >”The loot. Split it fifty-fifty?” >dammit I could’ve been looting all those guys I killed this whole time >I could be like a thousandaire >oh hey speaking of which. who are these guys I just stabbed >”some gang of two-bit bandits. not sure who they are though. they definitely aren’t the Clown Princes. they don’t look ex-mil. we’re too far west for the Sovereign Ranchers or-” >”GENTILES, YOU TREAD UPON HALLOWED GROUND” >look up >some giant guy rides up to us on horseback >he’s like seven feet tall >jfc it’s white guy in native american cosplay >here we fuckin go >”I, THE MIGHTY ZELPH, FIERCEST AND BRAVEST AMONG THE LAMANITES, HAVE SENT MY RETINUE TO…” >he trails off when he sees the pile of bodies >”DID YOU KILL ALL OF THOSE GUYS” >yeag >”...CONGRATULATIONS, YOU HAVE PROVEN YOUR WORTH AND EARNED SAFE PASSAGE THROUGH ZELPH’S DOMAIN. FAREWELL, AND PLEASE CONSIDER SUBSCRIBING TO ZELPH’S PODCAST.” >”THAT’S ZE1PH WITH A 1 FOR THE L, TO FIND THE PODCAST. THE ACCURSED TOILETRY PRODUCT SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE WHICH BEARS THE SAME NAME AS ZELPH HAD REGISTERED THE DOMAIN NAME FIRST SO ZELPH HAD TO IMPROVISE A LITTLE BIT.” >anyway, I believe you were fleeing >”ZELPH WAS ACKNOWLEDGING THE STRENGTH AND DIGNITY OF A FELLOW BAND OF WARRIORS WHO-” >you have five seconds to leave before I stab your dumb white pharoah ass >”FINE JESUS ZELPH CAN TAKE A HINT. HERE. TAKE THESE.” >he tosses us a pair of gold-plated keychain trinkets with weird letters engraved on them >wtf are these >”ARTIFACTS LOOTED FROM THE SACRED GIFT SHOP OF THE WICHITA TEMPLE. THEY WILL GUARANTEE YOUR SAFE PASSAGE THROUGH THE DOMAIN OF ZELPH.” >thanks but we had it pretty well under control. as you can tell by all the dead bodies. >”...YOU DID NOT HAVE TO RUB IT IN.” >are you crying >”NO SHUT UP. ZELPH MUST RETURN TO HIS PODCAST EMPIRE NOW.” >he finally fuckin leaves >... >Wendy has already started looting the bodies again

Noshe de shicas