#zedfact

This morning, Zed was at the airport. He was giving tearful goodbyes to Donald Trump, who was boarding a plane back to America. After what they had been through together, Donald and Zed were now best friends again. In Tuggeranong, Jan was teaching Roslyn how to cook Zed’s favourite recipe of lasagna. They were interrupted by a scratching at the door. It was Harry, who had miraculously found his way home from the shop of the spoon dealer. Jan and Roslyn were interrupted again not long after. It was Zed, coming home to his new bigamous relationship and breakfast lasagna. The past few days had marked a change in Zed’s life: He had given up collecting spoons and grapes, and he had put an end to a horrible rivalry. All of a sudden, there was another knock at the door. When Zed opened the door, he was surprised to see who it was.  It was Julia Gillard, Malcolm Turnbull and an old man he didn’t recognise. When he had left Julia and Malcolm behind in 1995, they had stayed there and waited until 2016, ready to take over from their recently time-travelled selves. When he heard this, Zed gasped. While Julia had not aged, Malcolm was looking worse for wear. Because of this, he repaired the old Robo-Malcolm to act as him. Robo-Malcolm looked so much like his 82 year old counterpart that Zed couldn’t tell the difference. Of course, Robo-Malcolm was not autonomous like Julia Gillard, and needed constant controls to function. So in order to fool everyone, Malcolm would have to give up his spare time. Then they broke the news to Zed: Harvey had died of old age in 2006, and was buried on the moon. Zed couldn’t think of a more appropriate place to bury him, but was crying all the same. If only necromancy worked…

Using his beauty spot, Zed connected to his tie, and then the internet. He connected to Mazzarrone and gave him orders. Mazzarrone awakened from sleep mode. He snuck out  from under a pile of grapes, and made his way to the ZedShed. On Zed’s request, he then sent an email to Roslyn’s phone. Following the instructions in the email, Roslyn and the kids left the bunker and snuck downstairs through the secret passage into the sewer. In the ZedShed, Mazzarrone found Zed’s prototype reverse fire-hose and connected it to the pneumatic pipe on the ceiling. At the same time, Roslyn pried a section of pneumatic pipe of the ceiling of the sewer, and pointed it at the fish swimming around below. When the clock struck 11 o’clock, Mazzarrone turned on the RVH and the kids got to work vacuuming up the fish. Soon in the grape room, flaming fish were raining down everywhere. In the confusion that ensued, Mazzarrone returned to free Zed, who ran outside towards the Zedshed. Seeing him escape, Paul Kearney directed Donald and Bogdan to go after Zed. Zed was already inside the Zedshed, with a cross expression on his face. He was concentrating very hard in order to remember a trick that he learnt during therapy. He was making himself angry, the angriest that he had ever been. Thick black hair came gushing out of every patch of skin, every pore, every orifice. In no time at all, the whole shed was filled with hair. Zed flipped open a control panel on the wall, and hairily typed in some access codes and scanned his fingers. Ten. Zed started to gnaw off his hair. Nine. Bogdan and Donald started to break open the door to the Zedshed. Eight. Zed had gnawed off most of his hair now. Seven. The door was on its last legs. Six. Zed was now free of all the hair, and was swimming through it towards a window. Five. Thrusters activated. Four. Zed made it out of the window. Three. Bogdan burst in, and immidiately tripped over the mass of hair. Two. Zed ran a distance away from the Zedshed, which was now shaking like mad. One. Inside, Bogdan was lost inside a large pile of hair. Blastoff. Twelve large thrusters lifted the Zedshed off from the ground, with Bogdan trapped inside. The entire suburb was filled with a rumbling noise. Zed and Donald watched in awe, as the Zedshed flew skywards, off into the depths of space. Donald, having stood to close to the launch was now severely injured and was in no way able to fight Zed. He wouldn’t have thought of it anyway, though. Could Theodore Roosevelt send a man to space? Could he grow hair at frightening speeds? Donald had woken up to the fact that Zed was far superior to any American President. So he let him go. Zed ran back inside, where Paul Kearney had just shot Mazzarrone dead. There was no time for another intense staredown: Zed leapt at him, and they began to fight. Punches were thrown. Kicks were exchanged. Zed almost managed to strangle Paul at one point. After ten minutes, both of them were bloody and bruised. Their rivalry filled them with energy. Zed had no tricks left up his sleeve. Paul did, but it was only a gun, the bullets of which were useless when fired at Zed’s rock-hard abs. As the fight went on, Zed became completely enraged,his face no longer the face of a sane man. Using this burst of insanity, Zed managed to pin Paul to the ground. In that position, Zed tore off Paul's limbs and stuffed them into his mouth. In a few minutes Zed had eaten all of Paul, save for a few pieces lying on the floor. Donald Trump had made his way inside by now, and helped Zed untie Jan from the spoon. Zed had won.

Using the time machine, Paul Kearney took Zed and the others to Zed’s house in 2016. He broke his way in, and threw Zed on the kitchen floor before getting to work in the Hall of Grapes. Zed fell to the floor with tears in his eyes. He hadn’t been sure what to expect from this journey into the past, but he never expected this. The person who hated him the most was running amok in Zed’s own house! Let alone what he was doing with Jan, who he had tied up! Zed’s hair was a mess and so was he. In this time of deep emotion, Zed needed the person who understood him the most. So, he decided to Zeditate by conjuring up his imaginary friend Bakinour. Nobody else was able to hear or see it, but Bakinour and Zed were deep in conversation. Zed wouldn’t tell me exactly what it was that they talked about, so this part is a bit vague. Zed started off with a very pessimistic outlook, and felt terrible. Bakinour tried to convince Zed that he had done the right thing, and his points got through. Although almost nothing had gone to plan, Zed had managed to return his fiancee from the past and pave the way for a confrontation with his rival. He had even found out where he came from, and what he was! And although Paul Kearney was on the loose, Roslyn and the kids would have put emergency procedures in action and hidden in the underground bunker. Now in agreement about the situation, Bakinour and Zed started to come up with a plan to turn the tide. Their last-minute planning was interrupted when Donald Trump came in and carried Zed to the Grape room. Now it was clear what Paul had done. The wall between the grape room and the hall of spoons had been knocked out, and Jan had been tied to the bowl of the Big Spoon, which was propped up on the wall. Zed was reminded of Jesus on the cross. Paul Kearney was wearing a large pair of Roslyn’s boots, while Bogdan and Donald were standing by. Waving his legs around, Paul explained what he was about to do. First he would step on each and every one of Zed’s grapes, destroying the entire collection. Then he would kill Jan, right in front of Zed’s eyes. Finally, he would finish off Zed by tearing him apart using the spoons from the hall of spoons. Zed wasn’t about to let any of this happen: his beauty spot was glowing.

When Zed came to, he was bound and gagged in the gift shop. Julia, Malcolm, and Harvey were tied up next to him, and Paul Kearney was telling them about his plan. Paul went into great detail about how much he hated Zed and Zed’s environment policies. He told them about his plans. The Grape collection, the rude letters, the assassination attempts, and the failed 2007 bombing. Then Paul Kearney introduced the man in the straightjacket. Apparently, this was Bogdan Vasiliev, who had been an intern at the laboratory which created most of Zed’s genetic material. Bogdan explained that nobody meant to create the genetic material, but someone accidentally sat on the keyboard of one  of the computers, and wrote a typo. This typo eventually led to creating Zed. When Bogdan found out that the living typo was a public figure in Australia, he knew had to put an end to Zed’s existence. So he teamed up with Paul Kearney, who was more than willing to help. Together, they built a time machine and went back to 1995 to kill 17 year old Zed. They were especially surprised when 39 year old Zed turned up, and decided to get rid of him later. For now, they would let him see the seaworld massacre unfold through the gift shop window. With those harsh words, Bogdan and Paul left to set up the attack. When they were gone, Zed took a long stare out the window. He had come to the past to stop it happening, but it was useless: the sealion had escaped, and he could already hear the screams. But there was something else that he could hear: A steady whirr came through the wall. It was the sound of a time machine! Zed turned his heatlamp tie up to its maximum setting, and burned off his ropes. Without stopping to untie his friends, he raced into the adjoining room and took control of the time machine. He went back to 2016, and picked up the Donald and the Lion Army. Now, he was ready. Zed and the rest of the army travelled to 1995, and raced out of the gift shop. There wasn’t too much time left to save Jan! Zed and Donald headed straight for the stage, where 17 year old Zed was hiding under an elaborate stage prop. The lions had reached their top speed of 80 km/h, and were almost to Jan, who was running around the crowd. All of a sudden, Paul and Bogdan jumped out of the crowd, riding a sealion. They picked up Jan in one swift motion, and turned to face the Lions. Zed brought his lions to a halt, and ordered them to surround him and Donald. What followed was an intense staredown between the two rivals. It went on for over a minute! Then Paul Kearney broke the silence by speaking to Donald Trump. He explained that Donald had a rare condition known as Seselja-Blindness, and what it involved. This caused Donald to realise that he had not, in fact, been working with Theodore Roosevelt this whole time! “How could I have been so blind?!” he yelled. Donald then betrayed Zed by hitting him over the back of the head, knocking him out. Zed was unconscious for the second time today! While Zed was out for the count, he was tied up with steel cables, which his tie couldn’t burn. Then Paul, Bogdan and Donald Trump carried Zed and Jan into their time machine and set a course back to 2016.

At 2pm, Zed and his friends regrouped and shared their discoveries. On the stage, Zed and the Zedheads started to play ‘Spoons for a Lost Cause’. Zed was singing the lead vocals, and Malcolm Turnbull was using a special pair of electric spoons. Back in the crowd, the mood was far from calm. Zed and the rest of the time travellers had spotted a sinister-looking, grey headed man heading to the sealion enclosure with a short bald man. Horrors of horrors, it was Paul Kearney! His presence made this whole situation more complicated: Now the gang had to avoid being attacked by a rogue sealion, save Jan and bring her back to the present, and finish off a very old grudge. What was he doing here? Paul was walking away from the band performance, and talking quietly to a balding man wearing a straightjacket. Zed caught a few words here and there. ‘Zed’ ‘Time Machine’ ‘Sealion’. The very sound of Paul’s voice made Zed angry, causing him to grow stubble all over his body. Zed, Malcolm and Julia carefully followed the two men, all the way to the sealion enclosure. When they got there, Paul started to fiddle around with the bars that held the sealion (which was leaping around with frothing lips) inside. Watching from behind a sign, Zed was furious. His hair began to grow at an alarming pace, until it was about 50cm in length. This was his downfall. The straightjacketed man saw the mass of hair and gave a shout. All of a sudden, several burly bodyguards jumped out of nowhere and came after the former Zedheads. Zed, Malcolm and Julia split up to fight. Malcolm was running about punching and managed to knock out one of them. Harvey, who was on his back, swung the RaZed about to slice off some limbs. On the other side of the sealion enclosure, Julia Gillard had turned on her combat mode. She had retracted her normal hands and replaced them with swords, which she was using to cut down the bodyguards coming at her. The bloodshed was in full swing, and the sealion hadn’t even got loose yet. All of a sudden, a messy lump of hair ran off to the aquarium with eight bodyguards in tow. It was a thrilling chase, but after a misstep, the clump of hair fell into the carp tank. It made some jerky movements before falling motionless to the bottom. The bodyguards let out an audible gasp when it was revealed that they had been chasing a robotic Malcolm Turnbull in a gorilla outfit, and not Zed at all. The real Zed was on top of the sealion enclosure, tying his hair into a makeshift lasso.  He came up behind Paul, swinging it around his head. Unfortunately, Zed was not an expert with lassos, and a wail from the sealion below put him off guard. Zed accidentally lassoed himself with his own hair, tripped, and fell onto the ground right in front of Paul Kearney. The landing knocked him out.

Yes, Zed was scared, but he knew what he had to do. First, he told Donald and the lions that they were to wait in Paul’s house for further instructions, and get to work cracking the safe. Then he logged out of Skype. That night, back in Canberra, Zed and his friends were getting to work. Zed Seselja, Harvey the iguana, Julia Gillard and Malcolm Turnbull had packed their things, and were now climbing into their time machine. The air was thick with anticipation, fear, and a strange gas that Zed emits when he is nervous. In other parts of the house, Roslyn was cooking dinner for the kids, Mazzarrone was guarding the grapes, and some fish were having a grand time in their tanks. At the press of a button, with the whirr of the machine, Zed and his friends were sent back into the past, to 20.2.1995, the day of the Seaworld massacre. They arrived in one piece, in the carpark to the south side of Seaworld. Nearby, a man walked around in baggy jeans. Paying no attention to him, Zed and the others were already climbing over the fence into Seaworld. Once inside they picked up a free leaflet detailing the events that were planned for today. The time was 1.34, and Zed and the ZedHeads were set to play in a little under half an hour. Fearing the imminent sealion attack, the time travellers synchronised watches (Julia set her internal clock) and split up. Julia Gillard looked around the crowds for any sign of Paul Kearny. If he was here, at the Seaworld massacre, things would be much worse than they had previously assumed. Thankfully, he was nowhere to be seen, but there were a lot of burly Russian men, which was suspicious. Meanwhile Malcolm was checking out the sealion enclosure, which was something that he hadn’t done the first time around. Surprisingly, it looked secure enough. Inside, the sealion snarled at the bars, it snarled at Malcolm, and it snarled at the tourists. This was without doubt the same sealion that was going to attack in a little over half an hour. On the other side of the sealion enclosure, Zed Seselja was crying. Making sure to avoid being noticed, he had just stolen a bottle of resold soy-sauce from Jan’s bag, behind the stage. Now with a spring in his step, he ran back outside and took a sip. As the tears streamed down his face, they fell into the soy sauce. He didn’t care; it was still the best thing that he had tasted in twenty years.

Zed is able to see more colours than humans can. He doesn’t like this ability.

Zed has the remains of Tony Abbot’s “Emergency Seselja Attack Button” alarm system lying around in his shed.