"... Welcome to 103.3, The Breeze. *Wooooosh!* We've got a real special treat here, in studio we've got George... Lanes, he's the owner, the operator, he's a little bit of everything over at Zanes Lanes, Bernard's premier bowling establishment. We've got George right here in the studio, he's gonna take a few minutes, tell us a little bit about the specials we've got coming up here at Zanes... Lanes. George, take it away."
"Bowling alleys are America's pastime. I know this to be the truth because of Zanes Lanes, which has been for many folks the backbone of the city of Bernard for ages and ages. Established in 1992 by my father, Zane, Zanes Lanes is clean and trash free, which is crucial for many folks to know. Many folks, when they think of bowling alleys, they focus in on the word 'alley', to the extent that they may just as well be thinking of alleys. They cannot seem to understand any sort of fun can be had at such a place, especially one that may be associated with sketchy places like, for example, dark alleys and back alleys, which are indeed lowdown and sketchy and filled to the brim with trash, which is something you throw out of your home. If you were to venture down such a place you better know that you may perchance be tricked into some sort of scheme that is not beneficial to you or your family.
"It is with this in mind that Zanes Lanes is not a bowling alley. It is, we like to say, a bowling home, a warm place where you can feel safe and secure from outside natural forces. And let me tell you friends, times are tougher than ever before. The other day I stepped on a acorn. Hurt like heck f- uh, friends. I believe chaos reigns, and when it rains it pours and you and your family deserve a respite. I'm sure you are all familiar with the image of a rose growing up through concrete, or just some fl-fl-flower growing through a concrete walkway it is supposed to represent a triumph of the human spirit. Well let me tell you, friends, that flower is not human. It is, in fact, evil. In some ways, it represents a failure of human defenses which surround human life on Earth. I will tell you... Ba- ba- what it is beautiful about that picture it is the grey, thankless concrete w̷a̵l̵k̸w̷a̵y̸ think about it friends, without that pavement we'd be stepping on flowers, on bugs, on rocks, acorns, sharp... items, our feet would be worn, our shoes would be worn down very very quickly. That flower is a startling breach of our perimeters which, as I have said, aff- uhh buh buh surround human life on Earth that flower could be poisonous. It could- it may contain allergens. It is, at best, unpalatable, and it deserves tuh to be snipped. That flower may just as well represent a jaguar set on stealing your child in the night, we are not in the dark ages my friends, uh, nature is evil at times my friends, and it is out to get us at times, but we are not helpless against its evils.
"You deserve some certainty in this world, and friends, here at Zanes you can set 'em up and knock 'em down and set 'em right back up again within the safe structural foundation that our business provides at Zanes our perimeters are secure. In fact, we have not suffered a breach in years, plant life is not permitted. We have state-of-the-art air purifiers going 24/7 7 days a week and within these confines everything is safe and man made, just the way it ought to be venture up Zanes and breath easy and have a safe hypoallergenic time peher- perhaps in one of our three party forts. We are located behind Shawn's Pond on Windmark Street we offer many fun things throughout the week you must know this. Monday night is kids night, kids receive a discount if and only if they are twelve or below. Beware! We have now switched to a staggered pricing system due to the recession Tuesday night is teen cos- teen costume night, wear a costume get ten percent off on the assumption that you are a teen. Wednesday night is rain prv- puh uh duhh prh dh duhh uhhh th- uhh cancel it! Cancel it! D-uhh parents are human beings too and they need to have fun too. Friday we are closed due to the recession. Saturday night is cosmic bowling... night with, uh, special guest DJ Hype playing the finest in dance and electronica Sunday we are closed f- for rest, for rest.
“What are people saying about Zanes Lanes? I love going to Zanes Lanes with my family on Saturday nights for the fun and excitement it provides. Zanes Lanes, I have found, is a great place for kids specifically my children my - the Zanes the Zlanes Lanes is clean and safe in the usual sense of also because I have found that it uh offers safe storage behind the counter for valuables like sl suh sed- ssgegg - gemstones. Zanes Lanes is kid friendly in almost every way I can think the party forts are a blast because of the fun games we are able to play inside of them and the delicious pizza we are able to eat from the snack b uh buhh beehh p- pp the it- the uhh employees are always nice and friendly and always willing to help out with problems that may arise during your time at Zanes for example: running low on cheese sticks that are provided at the snack bar for a great price and boy are they good to eat we love that uh buhhh music that is played on Saturday nights because of the DJ who is playing there, DJ Hype. 'My wife and I feel young when I am listening to the DJ' that is a direct quote from Gr-r- uhh Greg who has wrote to us because of his time at Zanes and you, too, can experience fun and cleanliness above all, the safety of Zanes. We are not a bowling alley, we are a bowling home. I am George Lanes and on behalf of all of us here at Zanes, we wish you a happy New Year."
