#yurah

29th day of Rain's Hand - 583 2E

Dizzying. Intoxicating. Unrelenting. These are all words that could be used to describe my days since my arrival in Wayrest just a few short weeks ago. Before that journey, I felt empty and numb. Useless. Now, I hardly have time to tend to the most basic of needs before my time is filled once more.

I have purpose again. I have meaning again.

I feel happy again.

I was unsure if such a thing would ever be possible once Alaric's letter arrived, confirming in written word what I have known and denied all along. Our family is shattered, broken...perhaps beyond repair. My sister is gone, vanished as if she'd never existed. My brother has been recalled to the warfront, and there is a small part of me that suspects he has found some relief in this though his associate speaks otherwise. I suspect it because I understand it, because we are more alike then I have ever noticed before. After all, was not this journey to Wayrest my own version of escape?

For so long I have been blinded by this vision of earlier days when laughter reigned and the only division between the younger Kingsley generation could be attributed to childish antics. I wanted so badly for everyone to be united again that I poured all of myself into seeing them happy, to trying to fix what I could not, to bridge gaps only to see them torn open once more by someone else's hand. Though I have failed, I find it is almost a relief to have it over...at least, for a time.

I need not feel guilty for indulging my own desires. I can no longer spite myself only to be crushed by others for my effort. I am not strong enough to bear this burden any longer.

My work for the Order grows more demanding with each passing day. When word of the attack on Nissa did finally reach my ears, I gathered Edric and made the trip to North Point in haste. It is not in my nature to let another suffer, no matter my personal opinion. What is that saying...

"Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die."

I still do not know the result of my efforts...not for certain, but I have reason to be hopeful. I still have not had the time to inquire on Lainie's presence within the manor, or to ask for her help with the duty Therian has tasked me with. She has seen enough now that I am doing her no favors by shielding her, and could instead put her remarkable curiosity to use.