Locked Up
Sorry. No, I'm not sorry. I was reminded of something @rockdrop drew last year and I immediately started thinking so hard about it that I wanted to sit down and write about it. So I did. I'm not uploading this anywhere else because there's not a lot of reason to probably especially sine I'm just writing this because I thought too hard of someone else's art and wanted to write character introspection. Anyway enjoy, or call me names. Whichever, I take both as a compliment.
“Come on, Kanade! You should totally do another song!”
“N-no, I’m fine, really...you two go ahead.”
Smiling awkwardly, Kanade pulled her drink closer, adamant about not accepting the tablet to pick a song for herself, despite Mizuki’s desperate attempts at trying to convince her to sing again. They all sang for their songs, sure, so it wasn’t like Kanade thought she was bad at it. There’s just...something very embarrassing about having to get up in front of people to sing karaoke, even in the privacy of the room that only had the four girls inside it.
“Mizuki...you already pressured Kanade into singing two songs in a row ten minutes ago.”
Kanade sighed, glancing over at Mafuyu when she spoke up to effectively stop Mizuki in her tracks.
“She’s right you know,” Ena plucks the microphone out of Mizuki’s hands and huffs, pulling the tablet over. “I’ll go, I’ve already got something in mind.”
There was a sense of relief as the attention drifted away from her successfully. Even Mizuki was focused on Ena now, pointing at songs and laughing as Ena brushed her off with the insistence that she was looking for something else.
These trips were...nice. Whether they spent time celebrating at the usual diner, or they did something special, like the trip to karaoke tonight, she found when it was with the three of them, she didn’t mind what it was they were doing. Even when it was like this...Ena and Mizuki full of energy in one half of the room while Kanade and Mafuyu sat quietly on the other, it was fun. It was...the little things, in the moments where she let herself feel things that she normally felt hesitant to accept.
The music started and Ena began to sing, with her personal backup singer Mizuki just as into it as she was. With a couple of songs in the queue for them, at least it gave the other two a good chance to relax and simply play audience. Yet still, Kanade couldn’t help but let her gaze wander back over to the nearby girl. Sometimes she merely did it to make sure Mafuyu was still feeling okay in the moment.
Right now, was one of those moments when she worried about what she noticed. That neutral, stoic expression was gone, replaced by an uneasy face as she stared at the two others. What a quick change. Moments like that reminded her too much of when Mafuyu had first seen the doll exhibit and felt her perturbing connection to the unsettling yet beautiful marionette on display.
“Mafuyu?” She called out once, softly. With the noise in the room, it was hard to hear a voice like Kanade’s. With a soft sigh, she got up from her seat and moved over closer, sitting next to Mafuyu instead. “Mafuyu.” Mafuyu’s hand had crept up to her chest, fingers curled anxiously into the fabric of her shirt. In stirred an anxiety in Kanade’s own stomach to see, the composer not even giving a second thought to the way her own hand reached over like an impulse, grabbing that hand gently and pulling it away.
Only to that, did Mafuyu seem to finally notice her, blinking and finally tearing her eyes away from the floor. “Mafuyu, what’s wrong? Are you all right?”
“Kanade…” The soft mutter of her name does bring a little bit of relief for Kanade. Getting Mafuyu out of those spells of anxiety was a solid first step. Still, her fingers linger around Mafuyu’s wrist gently, the gentle smile on her face fading to give away more of the concern that hid there. Purple eyes watched Kanade for a moment, but she answered soon enough.
“My chest hurts.”
Good start. That’s too vague, though. “Is there anything else?” Surely, there had to be more than that. Or at least, she hoped so.
“I don’t know.”
“Hmm…” Not a great place to run into the usual obstacle of Mafuyu’s constant uncertainty. She was nothing if not persistent when it came to this, though. With a soft sigh, Kanade looked Mafuyu over carefully, scooting a bit closer. “Can I touch your forehead?”
“...sure.”
Maybe she wasn’t feeling well. With all the noise and atmosphere, she could understand why maybe it would be easy to feel adverse to this place after long enough. Kanade’s felt it herself before. Mizuki once remarked that it was a little bit like...having a battery, but for things like social interaction or going out in general. That, the ones Kanade and Mafuyu had weren’t exactly the biggest ones around.
Raising her other hand, she gently placed it to Mafuyu’s forehead, lingering thoughtfully. No...it wasn’t that. She seemed perfectly fine. But something was still wrong. It’s become easy to tell over time, when Mafuyu was suddenly feeling something she didn’t recognize, or felt something that made her uneasy. Consequently, Kanade’s spent the same amount of time feeling more and more like she needed to be the one to do something when that happened. She wanted to sit her down and help her understand. Figure it out with her.
It was...a more personal approach than she normally allowed herself. She knew that. Her method of making music allowed her to help others without that personal attachment. It allowed her to help people across oceans on the other side of the world, and she didn’t have to worry about looking them in the eyes and potentially exposing a more personal side of herself, in the process. She could safely whittle herself away slowly in the safety of her own space, without needing to let the other person see exactly what those little pieces of herself looked like.
“Hey—what’s up?” Ena’s voice cuts through her thoughts, Mizuki following shortly after.
“Is Mafuyu okay?” It seemed they’d gotten the attention of their more energetic friends. Ena was already heading over as Kanade pulled her hand from Mafuyu’s forehead, opening her mouth to answer.
“She doesn’t seem to be feeling we—”
She flinches subtly, eyes widening just...every so slightly, at the realization over what she was looking at suddenly. Ena had come over closer, trying to ask Mafuyu how she felt and what she could do. Reluctantly, her hand let Mafuyu’s go as Ena moved to sit on Mafuyu’s other side to check on her.
The lost, startled eyes...the way they stared forward and avoided meeting Ena’s at all, the tinges of red that were starting to bloom along her cheeks and even at the tips of her ears, the awkward way her hands fell back down to her lap and seemed to aimlessly grip and fidget at the fabric of her clothing…
Slowly, Kanade’s mouth simply closes, her half-said word forgotten in the moment as her gaze lingers. She feels the tension in her shoulders and her jaw, and she could only hope that she didn’t look how she felt. It occurred to her in that drawn-out moment, what it was that Mafuyu was experiencing.
...So that’s how it is.
Why does she even know that? Why did she feel so...tense? Quietly, she moved back a little bit, giving the others space as they checked in on their friend. Oh...she can’t possibly be that dense. She’s not stupid. She just didn’t like to keep it in the front of her mind. It wasn’t something she wanted to acknowledge or think about, because...what was the point?
That was filed away as another thing that she raised herself to believe she didn’t need to have.
Who was she kidding? The truth was that she didn’t deserve to have that. The idea that someone else could possibly react like that when she came around. Their heartbeat could quicken, their face turned away with a subtle blush, that charming, surprised look in their eyes...oh, to think that someone like her could be so adored in someone else’s eyes was just ridiculous. Honestly...honestly?
It’s probably more ridiculous to have to remind herself because Mafuyu was giving those same exact reactions to someone else entirely.
There’s a slight twitch in her face as she looks down for a moment, then slides her eyes shut. Calmly, she stood up.
“Kanade?” Mizuki’s voice catches her attention, and she just opens her eyes with an apologetic smile and a small wave of her hand.
“Sorry, I actually...feel a little strange myself. I just need to go to the bathroom real quick. Um…Ena?”
“Hm? Yeah, what’s up?” Ena looked over at Kanade, her hand resting on Mafuyu’s shoulder. It was a detail Kanade’s eyes only flickered to for a split second before looking directly at the artist and smiling more softly.
“Could you make sure Mafuyu is really okay? Maybe...if she wants to head back home, you could walk with her back?”
It should be Ena. That’s who Mafuyu wanted it to be.
“Oh? Uh, yeah, of course.”
“Okay.” Kanade doesn’t even notice the odd look Mafuyu gives her, at the suggestions, the quiet girl merely staring at the back of Kanade’s head when the composer turns away and leaves the room. Halfway to the bathrooms, Kanade just stopped, hands by her side as she looked down at the floor. She’s not even sure how she got here in the first place. Why she was running around thinking such a silly thing. Did she genuinely believe that she could have something that ideal?
It didn’t really suit her.
Ena was much more direct. She set her mind to things and got them done, she was firm and decisive, and she wasn’t afraid to be honest most of the time. When it came down to it, that’s the kind of person Mafuyu needed. Kanade was just here to compose their music. She was just here to come up with the song that would make Mafuyu see herself again.
Nothing more, nothing less.
That’s fine, honestly. Kanade smiles a little bit, raising her hands to look at them quietly. These hands were meant to make music for someone else. Not for holding others, giving guidance, or anything else. She knew where her place was, and she was okay with that. As long as the others were happy, her own feelings hardly mattered much in the grand scheme of things. They probably weren’t genuine anyway. Not if they didn’t belong with her in the first place. She was just imitating what she saw in others, that’s all. Like a curious child. But...it wasn’t real. So it was all right if she discarded it, wasn’t it?
It hurts a little bit, but that’s...that pain’s not genuine either, is it? It’s just a reminder of her place. Her job. She almost lost sight of that, playing around like she was.
Lowering her hands again, there was a brief, sharp jolt of pain in her mouth, and the taste of iron on her tongue, her teeth biting down on the inside of her cheek hard enough to break skin.
It’s...okay.
