This is my first fanfic ever and I'm writing it as a sort of exercise to express my creativity and practice my English, which is not my first language. So be gentle with me guys, but any constructive criticism about grammar or anything related to the language is more than welcome. Please, tell me when I'm wrong and correct me.
I do not own Attack on Titan and its characters, or any of the fan-art I'll use. I'll insert the author's name in the notes.
The story is highly inspired by The Birth Of Levi/No Regrets and takes place after its events.
As you’ve already read, this story is a Levi x OC, however you can replace the main character with yourself if you want to.
Levi won't have his own chart, since he is basically the original aot character, but taller (like 5'8). Or you could just imagine Daphne/You being slightly smaller than him, just a few centimeters.
𝐒𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: A well-known criminal from the Underground is tasked with killing four Survey Corps soldiers, Erwin, Levi, Isabel, and Farlan, but something in her plan goes wrong. She will be forced to join the team and submit to Captain Levi. But the girl has another mission to accomplish. The titans, the fate of humanity, and her destiny, irreparably intertwined with that of Levi, will completely upset not only her plans but the captain's too.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
Pungent. The smell of the underground has always had something in it so pungent, a smell of dirt, decomposition, and death. You couldn’t just avoid it: it would have followed you anywhere, anytime.
And yet, for a brief second, you could have run away from it. During my usual wondering around the underground capital, thanks to some 3D maneuver gear I had bought at the black market, I’ve once made it to a secret spot where you could at least feel a light breeze of wind, savor a tiny slice of sky, and dream a little dream of freedom.
Nothing more was allowed in the Underground: dreaming was somehow impossible and all that smell has always been keeping me from even thinking straightforward.
The stink was even worst anytime I felt it coming from myself: the blood on my hands from the lifeless body of a victim, the dirty money getting silently into my pocket, the crying from the scene of my last crime… sometimes, all of that was just too much even for me, even for the greatest scoundrel of the Underground. On top of that, I was the villain of my own story.
Three years ago, I escaped from a brothel thanks to – let’s say – a benefactor and since than I dedicated my whole life to save my sisters, still held there. In particular one of them, Abigail, my real sister – for what I can remember, we both got there together from the orphanage. I stole money, made allies – and enemies too -, I did anything in order to gain money and passes for us all. But it was never enough. Nobles used to make fun of the poor people, constantly raising the price to get on the surface, to get a pass and the needed documents.
At that point I was hopeless and my crimes became even more feral than before.
One night, one of my fellows told me that someone very powerful had highly requested to talk to me about a serious matter. I agreed: a new client.
"Trust me, with this you’ll get the biggest bang for the buck" said the hooded man.
"I’m listening"
2Four targets, up there, on the surface. Four targets for a lot of gold, four passes, and a safe place to live"
"You talk shit. Who do you want me to kill? The king?"
"Kid, I don’t have much time. Four targets, are you in?"
"Start calling the funeral home"
Four targets from the Survey Corps, four names, four faces: Erwin, Levi, Isabel, and Farlan.
Them for us, them for our freedom. Four passes won't be enough, but I'll pay. I'll pay for the other tickets with the gold. Ok. That's good. I’ll make it. This time I’ll make it work.
Songs: “Tell Them” by James Blake, "Forever & Ever More" - Nothing But Thieves, "Bad Man" - Esterly, Austin Jenckens
LEVI'S POV
"You shouldn't be here. Do you miss prison so much?" I asked her.
"I'm doing anything wrong. Please, get lost..." she paused and then slightly turned her head, just to say "captain".
Captain. I repeated the sound of her voice articulating that word a couple of times more. Captain. Captain.
"Tch. I don't care. You should be in your room, sleeping"
"I can't" She confessed.
Well, apparently, I wasn't the only one not able to catch some sleep.
"Again. I. Don't. Care. Go back to your room"
She stayed silent, ignoring me and still staring at the sky.
"Oi. Are you deaf? I said. Back. To your room. Don't make me repeat myself or I'll push you down the building"
She suddenly turned her head over her shoulder, staring at me intensely. If looks could kill, I'd be dead right now. And yet, on second thought, her eyes were pretty reddish. Glassy. Close to tears. Was she crying before I caught her?
Too distracted by my own thoughts, I didn't notice she had slowly gotten up and pretty close to me. "You are all talk, captain, and no trousers, you know? Always threatening me with death and yet here I am. Still very much alive. Living and breathing"
Her tone ignited something almost animalistic inside of me. Something wicked. And at that moment, I totally lost it. Who she thinks she's talking to?
I fiercely grabbed her collar, brought her to the very edge of the roof, almost shoving her out of it. One of her feet slightly whipped out of the corner, but her face remained stoic. Stony-faced. She grabbed my wrist to steady herself like she was trying to provoke me, fight me, but still stayed almost unmoved.
Looking me dead in the eyes, she was waiting for the death sentence from her executioner. Not a single word. Not a single whine. Isn't she afraid of me? Isn't she even afraid of dying?This must be a bluff. And yet, she never flinched.
Enough. I decided to let her go, throwing her to the ground. "Back to your room" I said once again.
"Captain?" she mumbled while I was already closing the roof's door behind my back.
Again. Captain. Captain. I turned back.
"Captain, before you go... I wanted to say... I-I'm sorry"
"Ok. Got it. Now, back to your room"
"No" She declared standing up, right in front of me "N-not for this. Well, also, but I wanted to say that I'm sorry... for Farlan...and Isabel... I've never stopped thinking about it. You know, about your reaction. They were close to you, weren't they? I'm so sorry... I was ordered to-"
"Don't" I interrupted her "Don't be sorry. It wasn't your fault. You couldn't know and that was your mission, right?" and then we stared at each other for what seemed a very long time.
I was looking for something else to say or some way to say nothing at all, but a little voice inside me told me to speak. To talk to her about it. But why? So, I soundly sighed and opened my mouth.
"Yes" I declared "We were close. Friends, you could say. More like a family, actually" She immediately tensed.
"I told you, don't be sorry... I don't need your pity" I spat as she was lightly shaking. What is the matter now? Why does she even care? Criminals don't care.
"I am. I am sorry" she replied straight away.
"You know, I'm pretty familiar with the underground. It challenges you in any way humanly possible until you can't bear it anymore, until you are capable of the most horrifying things, just to survive. Swim or you'll drown, right?"
She flinched a little and then said "So, I was right. You are the guy from the underground"
"Yeah... to be honest, our stories are pretty similar" I confessed.
"I don't think so, captain"
And then again, my childish curiosity spoke for me: "So tell me about it, cadet"
"There isn't much to say... You already know pretty much everything. Just a regular thug from the underground. Before that, to quote one of your comrades, a slut. A poor orphan making a living by working in a whorehouse. Oh, and I once was a survey corps' prisoner. The rest is history"
I couldn't find the right word to say. She really was a prostitute. And Oruo had the audacity to provoke her like that. I felt so upset. He was a great soldier but... a loutish most of the time. I was still speechless. If only she knew that also my mother used to work as a pr-...
"Well, captain, I've bothered you long enough now. So, I-"
"Forget about it" I suddenly spat "Whatever happened back then forget about it. Let your past die and most importantly, don't have any regret"
"Like you did?"
"Yes, and like you should. Be a better person. Do something good. Make new friends"
"I'm tryin-"
"No, you are not. I saw you today. I observed you. You barely speak to your mates. They are your comp-"
"I know you stared at me the whole time, captain" She teased me looking up at me. Was I staring at her? Was it that obvious? I thought.
"Shut up. That's my job, cadet. I have to survey you and your fellows"
"Whatever helps you sleep at night, captain"
"Tch. Be more sociable. Full stop. Now, back to your room..."
"Look who's talking..."
"Cadet. I warn you: you're playing with fire"
"I'm just saying that I did everything I was supposed to do today. I ate. I trained. I didn't try any "funny business" as you said, so-"
"That's not enough. You have to trust them and they have to trust you. Some of them will join the Survey Corps. Some of them we'll be in our squad, so you need to trust them. The next expedition will take place soon, so be more sociable. End of discussion"
"Ok, I wasn't sociable, buuuut I observed them if that counts for anything"
"Tch. Let's hear. Enlighten me, cadet. Share with me some of your wisdom"
She frowned her forehead, upset by my little tease, and then she started "Some of them are already both talented and motivated, like that Mikasa. Then we have a bunch of "I don't know why I'm here" beefy guys. Similarly, a bunch of "I want to be here but I don't know if I should", you know, the motivated but poorly skilled type. Still, I admire their spirit, like that Armin. He seems a nice person. And lastly, the ones who give me chills. Like that blondie, Annie. Her eyes looked almost dead... Even though she was the only one truly challenging me during the combat, she mumbled some nonsense, like that she wants to survive, she won't join the survey corps. And yet, she was one of the strongest in the group. Weirdo. Oh, and talking about weirdos, let's not forget our Jean. He hit on me three times. Three. Only during the training. And then once again soon after it ended"
"So, you can be very talkative when you want to, Daphne" And also, she had quite a good intuition. She could really read people. Wait... Did I just call her by her name?
"I-I was just trying to give you my point of view, captain..." Is she blushing? "I need some more time to trust them" She continued "I'm not good at socializing, let alone trusting people. I'll do better next time"
Yeah...I know what you're talking about...Trusting people ain't my thing either.
"Try. And now, go and try to sleep" I ordered "Tomorrow it'll be quite a busy day. Erwin just informed me there'll be Eren's sentence. Have you heard of him?"
"I heard Mikasa and that short blondie talking about him. They seemed pretty worried about him. So, is it true that he can shift?"
"Yeah, he's the guy. Tomorrow the Supreme Commander will determine which division will look after him... well, survey him. He's fundamental for our mission. We can't afford to lose him. So-"
"Yeah, I know. Back. To my room." She sighed almost mimicking me. I stared at her dead in the eyes. She enjoyed teasing me way too much for my liking.
"Good night, captain"
I nodded, unable to respond, while my head was still focused on that captain.
DAPHNE'S POV
I think I'll never get used to the sky.
I've dreamed about that so many times and yet I couldn't still find my peace. It felt like I couldn't allow myself to feel at ease, let alone content to even that view.
I had no choice, and actually, their offer had given me a little more time to think again about my plan. I would have wait and then, when the right opportunity would have come, I'd run away.
Maybe during the next expedition...What a coward, I thought immediately. I couldn't not only accomplish my mission but also I was no use to their cause. What a coward. Maybe I should have helped them, for a while, and then escape.
I was so conflicted, confused.
That night changed everything for me. When that thing, the titan, attacked me nothing else mattered. Any worry I had ever had in my life couldn't compare. Its expression haunted my thoughts throughout the day as I was trying to plot my way out of that place.
I needed to go back to the underground again, I couldn't let things that way. Wait for me... Wait for me, Abi...
As her face appeared between the shining dots of the wild blue yonder, a single tear dropped down along my cheek to my jaw. "Crying won't fix anything, you coward. Stop it" a voice in my head told me.
And that's when I sensed him. Someone. No, Levi was watching me, and soon after I said something to get his attention. He was just surveying me, yeah sure, but still, his presence didn't bother me that much, quite the opposite.
Scratch that, not only the titan, also the captain and his revelation about being the guy from the underground haunted me all day and for the rest of that night too.
Fortunately, the night didn't last that long, and "a busy day" awaited me.
First thing in the morning I headed to the cafeteria where a quite enthusiastic Hange was already bothering an unfazed Levi.
"Good moooorning, little early bird!" she shouted at me, while Levi only nodded in my direction, simulating a greeting.
"Why so early, darling?" Hange asked.
"The captain had informed me just yesterday that today we would have had a lot on our plate, so I wanted to be ready as soon as possible..." I replied.
Sincerely, I didn't want to be in their way. The faster I would have gained their trust, the faster I'd had a chance to run away.
Moreover, Levi seemed rather pleased with my answer. Did I catch him hiding a little smile in his cup?
"That's great! Since she's already here you two should accompany commander Erwin to the court, I'll go get the kid. I'm so thrilled to finally meet hiiim! See you there!!" and so she left.
Again, I was left alone with the captain. He took another sip and then extended one of his arms to a table behind him. "Here, eat something, so we can arrive at the court before the crowd" said Levi, not daring to even look at me.
"Good morning to you too, captain... and thanks anyway" I didn't make him repeat it and I did as he said. But here he was again, bossing me around while being nice.
He had prepared a cup of tea and some slices of bread with jam. Did he prepare it? For me? Is he just acting like a hunter feeding his prey right before killing it, or is he actually a caring person?
My little and silent breakfast was soon over, so we headed to the stable to get a couple of horses. Levi seemed to have his own and then he grabbed another horse for me: "Take care of it. Horses are pretty smart animals" he said while brushing his horse's mane "They have a great memory and they can understand human emotions. They'll read you right away...They are known to be able to smell fear, you know? So, remember what I said to you yesterday: forget about the past and be present. Moreover, don't be afraid. Whatever you're going to see today, trust me, trust us"
I nodded, swallowing soundly. I somehow did trust them. I trusted him.
"You're such a good little liar, aren't you, Dafne? You trust him, you trust them but they shouldn't trust you. You don't deserve being here, you don't deserve being a soldier" said again that voice.
However, we made it to the court and met Erwin right in front of it. I saw both of them chatting about something and before I could catch any clue the assembly had already started. The room was packed with people: soldiers from all the ranks, regular people, and even a priest.
"Get here, next to me" said Levi catching me by surprise "Be a good girl and stay quiet until the very end" When will he stop bossing me around?I want to punch him so bad.
"Now, look there. Right in front of you. See, that's the gendarmerie, our opponent. A bunch of chickenshit... If they win Eren's custody, they'll kill him straight away. And they still dare to call themselves soldiers" he explained.
I listen to him carefully as I scanned them one by one. Then Levi pinched my hand "Here he comes".
As soon as Eren got inside the room the air got heavier. The gendarmerie was pretty agitated, they made a big fuss while arguing with a mad priest. On the contrary, Erwin confronted them and without losing his cool he proved his point. He was in charge.
But still, everybody seemed to be afraid of Eren: what if he couldn't control himself? What if he was a bluff? What if-
While the whole commission was arguing, Eren was kicked right in his face. LEVI. What the fuck is he doing??? He kicked him again, and again, and again. Even harder than before. He was ruthless. What the-
But I soon realized what he was doing. He was trying to prove he was in charge, that he had Eren under his power. He was the only one who could have stopped him if necessary. Fair enough, but isn't he even a little afraid of that kid? Levi is still a mystery.
Soon after, Mikasa tried to scream and suddenly stood up. So, I moved closer and stopped her "Wait, Mikasa. Wait and see. Trust me" I told her.
It was a setup, I knew it.
When Levi was satisfied with his job, Erwin started to speak again. He explained once again how indispensable was Eren's power to their mission and proposed to assign the boy to the only one who could have surveyed him: captain Levi. The supreme commander accepted. They won Eren's custody.
Soon after the end of the assembly, Hange, Erwin, Levi and I escorted Eren back to the HQ and tried to help him with his bruises. Hange had carried some medicine with her, but Eren was so in pain. Levi had been far from gentle with him.
That's when I remembered an unguent Martha used to hand me whenever I encountered a difficult customer. I once was beaten up pretty bad and I still remember Martha's words "Here, take this. You know, sometimes this type of thing happens around here. Get used to it, babygirl"
Yeah sure, like it was totally normal.
However, I tried my best to replicate the recipe pretty fast with some ingredients brought there by Hange.
"What are you doing, cadet?" immediately said Levi, standing behind me and observing what I was doing.
"What does it look like to you, captain? I'm trying to help him out" I confronted him.
We stared at each other. None of us dared to look away.
"Oh, c'mon Levi, cut her some slack" said Hange.
I glared at him once again and then got back to my recipe. Soon after I was finished and I handed the unguent to Eren.
Half-kneeling down in front of him I said "It should help speed up the process. Or at least it'll help endure the pain. It contains aloe" I smiled at him, trying to cheer him up a little.
"T-thank you s-so much, it feels really nice" He stuttered.
"You're welcome, kid. You did well today" I said as I playfully rubbed his head. He giggled.
"Wooo, it's true! It does feel nice. Where did you learn that, girl? I want the recipe now" Hange said enthusiastically as she was applying a little of my unguent on her arm. "This girl continues to amaze me, I'm glad you two captured her" she laughed and then she turned to face both Levi and Erwin. And so I did too.
The captain eyed me. Unfazed. A penny for your thoughts, Levi?
However, I chuckled a little. Hange's fervor was quite contagious, I must admit.
Suddenly something else caught my attention: Eren's bruises started to fade away. What the fuck?! "I think I saw something even more amazing, Hange. Look at his skin..." I said pointing to him "I don't think that was my unguent" What kind of witchcraft is this?
"No, darling, that's the titans' power. But still... how fascinating..." said Hange, drooling. Another weirdo. Well, another nice weirdo.
However, that's what Levi was talking about before. "Don't be afraid. Whatever you're going to see today, trust me, trust us" he said. I turned around to watch his reaction and he instantly glared at me. A hint of a smile appeared on my face. I wanted him to know I wasn't afraid.
The more I spent time with them the more I could see what they were about.
Soon after, Hange escorted Eren back to his dorm, while Erwin, Levi and I headed down the hallway in the opposite direction.
Before he left, Erwin said "We made it. Another step further" and then he approached me "You did well today too. Thanks for handling Mikasa, she could have gotten herself into trouble without you"
"Don't mention it, commander. She was just blinded by her feelings. She was clearly worried about Eren's fate, I totally get it" I replied.
"Sure, but you demonstrated a lot of self-control and discipline today. Well done, cadet"
"I'm just good at reading people and situations, but thanks commander" I tried to minimize my actions. "Look at yourself: behaving, obeying, being a good girl... what have you become, Daphne?" that voice inside my head echoed once again.
The commander discharged us, so Levi and I headed to our respective rooms.
"Are you happy now?" Levi suddenly asked me when we were almost at my door.
"Excuse me, captain?"
"Now I'll be on Eren's ass. I won't have time to survey you" he said, getting close to me. Way too close "Consider yourself lucky, cadet" he continued.
"If you ever miss my ass, captain, you can make an appointment. I'll definitely keep myself free for you" I teased him, preparing myself for the worst.
His jaw tensed as he scanned my face. He inhaled soundly, never looking away from me. He looked like a wild animal, a predator. His eyes were running furiously all over my face, restless.
"Calm down, captain. I was just messing with you..." I hissed, almost feeling my own breath coming back to my face. He was way too close.
"I've already warned you. Smartmouth, drop it already" he whispered "Just because you behaved today, it doesn't mean I'm buying it. I'll still keep an eye on you"
"Oh, my dear captain, I know you'll do" I teased him.
My fault. I brought it on myself. He gripped my jaw with just his hand and so my head banged on the door. He stared at me furiously but a small grin painted on my face. You don't know who you're fucking with, Levi.
He groaned and let go of me. His expression suddenly changed: did he regret acting out of rage?
"C'mon captain, it's time to go to sleep, right?" I whispered massaging my chin and trying to make eye-contact with him.
Levi suddenly grabbed my hand and took it away from my face. With his left one he cupped my cheek, so he started stroking my jaw with his thumb. I stared at him trying to keep my heart from jumping out of my ribcage.
His thumb softly traveled back and forth on my jaw, while the other fingers stayed solid on the back of my neck. What was that all of a sudden? And the expression on his face...He seemed sorry. Then his eyes traveled from my chin to my eyes, looking for something. He sighed soundly and moved his attention back to my jaw.
He eyed me once again and then left me there, without saying a word.
Once in my room, another sleepless night awaited me, and yet another day came. I really was a lucky bastard.
However, when the daylight hit my window I got up, showered and then headed to the cafeteria where again a silent Levi was waiting for me. Sitting next to him was Eren, quietly eating. On my usual seating position, there were a cup and a plate. Again, Levi had prepared that for me.
I noticed the plate was stuffed with biscuits, slices of bread and some fruits. Was he making amends for yesterday? I smiled at him, but he stayed silent.
While I was still focused on the food, he shyly scanned my face, looking for some evidence of our last encounter. I saw him out of the corner of my eyes so I kindly asked "Is everything alright, captain?" but he just gave me a dirty look.
Once he was finished with his tea he started to speak "Today we'll move out of the HQ. We will travel a little and get to an old castle, which is actually the old HQ. There we will hide you, Eren, so that freak can continue her experiments on you in peace. Hurry up and meet me at the stable" and so he left.
I rolled my eyes, so Eren laughed a little. He was clearly afraid of the captain. How can I blame him?
"Scary, isn't he?" said Eren when Levi left the cafeteria.
"He is all barks and no bite, trust me. However, I guess he is just trying to be a good captain... in his own way, but I think I get it" I admitted.
"I heard he went hard on you too, right? You are the criminal from the underground... Oh, I'm sorry, it didn't come out that well... "
"No, don't worry. You're right, I am the criminal from the underground. And yes, he wasn't that gentle with me either" I said.
"But you don't seem frightened around him, how do you do that??" I really didn't know what to say... Maybe it was because if Levi wanted me dead, I would have already been worm food.
I didn't know for how long it would have lasted, but to be honest, judging from his last behaviors Levi seemed as conflicted as I was. Luckily for me.
After we finished our breakfast, we headed out and started our little trip along with the Special Operations Squad, also known as Squad Levi: that creep Oruo, Eld, Gunther and Petra. The elite squad of the Survey Corps, hand-picked by the almighty Captain Levi.
Once there, we all reunited in front of the gate.
"Oh God, this place is a mess. Look at all that weed!" exclaimed Gunther.
Indeed, it was a mess. A huge castle, for sure, but it rather looked like a dump now.
"In which case we have a problem, don't we?" said Levi, coming from our backs "Best get a broom and get to work".
Is he for real? A question mark appeared on my face and Petra immediately caught it.
"Oh, that was just the calm before the storm, now you'll see what captain Levi is really all about" she giggled as she took me by the arm, escorting me inside the building.
In this chapter, there is a poem by Giuseppe Ungaretti, one of my favorite Italian poets. The original title is "San Martino del Carso". He mainly wrote between the two great wars of the twentieth century, so I thought he was quite a fit for the occasion. I like to think that Levi could definitely be one of his readers.
Warnings: read the masterlist first
Songs: "War Of Hearts" by Ruelle, "Close To You" by Rihanna, "Outro: House Of Cards" by BTS
DAPHNE’S POV
The silence on our way back was unbearable. By then the thunder of boots that rang as one on the ground had turned into a distant and vague thud. Almost an inaudible, dull sound. As we ploddingly proceeded like empty shells, citizens began to appear from out of their windows, murmuring and shaking their heads in disbelief.
I didn't dare to look up. I couldn't hold their gaze.
Sorrow, humiliation, inquietude, blind anger, and a thousand other emotions seemed to get the better of me. Glancing around, it didn't seem like my comrades were handling the situation any better.
Once we got to the headquarters, I walked over to the wagon where Eren was resting. Beside him, Mikasa had been keeping an eye on him the whole time. I gave them both a simple nod. My lips were pressed into a thin line, behind which any words of thanks or condolence remained mute, still hanging in my now completely dry throat.
Proceeding towards the main entrance, I witnessed from afar a heated discussion between Hange and Levi. I didn't understand much about it, but I soon saw the captain push her away and go straight into the building. He was limping and his hands were curled into stiff fists.
As soon as Hange noticed me, she reached out to me, shaking her head. With a concerned tone, I asked her what had happened, and placing a hand on my shoulder, she said:
“Please, later try to check on him.” I nodded, unsure if he even wanted to talk to anyone. Let alone me.
Honestly, I was dying to see him. Not yet knowing what to tell him or how to approach him at all after the expedition. The thought alone of confronting him made me sick. I didn't have the courage. What could I ever tell him in such a situation? How could I ever help him? I could only imagine what was going on in his head.
Halfway between the hallways and my door, I had almost completely stripped down, taking off my uniform and the rest. I tried to reach the bathroom as soon as possible, hit by a sudden nausea. At the sight of the toilet, I could no longer hold back.
I felt my guts squirm and at the push of the last retching, I let myself fall to the ground. On that cold floor, I realized how miserable and lonely I felt. How lost. That thought alone had been enough to convince me. I wanted to see him, to know what had happened to his legs, how he was doing and all. I had to see him.
I tried to wash as quickly as possible. Under the water, I noticed some bruises and cuts on my arms and legs, nothing serious. No medication was actually needed. And luckily, despite the light concussion, I seemed to feel quite fine.
Without overthinking it too much, I put on my nightgown, but only once outside my room, I realized that perhaps it would be quite inappropriate. After all, Levi was my superior.
Who cares. Like he gives a shit about what I’m wearing…
I knocked, not knowing what to expect behind that massive door or whether to even expect something. He probably would like to be left alone... But I didn't want to give up right away, so I knocked again. But nothing. Again, but still nothing. One last time, then I swear to God I’ll-
Just as I was about to knock again, the door swung open, revealing a figure completely immersed in the gloom of the room behind it. Levi.
There he was. His hair was untidy and still wet - perhaps he had just gotten out of the shower -, his eyes tired, his jaw set, his torso barely illuminated by the dim hallway lights, his muscles tense, one hand on the door and the other pressed on a gauze on his chest. Lower he was wearing his pajama pants only, carefully shortened on one leg, enough to reveal a tight bandage around his ankle.
A view that could break your heart as much as take your breath away.
Literally. I was suddenly unable to spell a single word or even remember why I was there in the first place. Luckily, Levi relieved me of the embarrassment of taking the first step, just calling me by my name:
"Daphne." The low pitch of his voice seemed to resonate through the space all around us, filling it inch by inch. And I swear I had even felt it running within my bones.
Six letters and I was already lightheaded.
He hesitated to add more, waiting for my reply. All I could do was to faintly open my mouth, unable to articulate anything reasonable.
"What are you doing here? You should be resting by now.”
I don't know what was wrong with me at that moment, but I couldn't stop staring at him. To be more specific, I couldn't take my eyes off his chiseled chest, and off whatever he was hiding under that gauze. I unconsciously advanced and when I was only a few inches away from him, I took his hand, moving it from his skin to reveal a deep wound.
“Levi…”
Overstepping the doorframe, I was now completely inside the room. Levi sized the moment to close the door behind my back with his free hand and at that point, we were alone in the darkness, just a step away from each other.
I could sense his eyes looming over me as I inspected his wound.
“Levi, this looks bad… Let me help you. It's the least I can do for you after yesterday... and today too actually…”
“I’ve already told you that surviving the expedition would be enough. We're even.” he said, grabbing me softly by the wrist. I sought his gaze in the gloom and stepping forward, I said with a thread of voice:
“Let me just help you.” He let go of my wrist and as he turned his back on me, he said:
“The medical kit is in the other room”. Therefore, I followed him into the darkness of what looked like an office, his office. He opened a door at the end of the room, on the right side, revealing his bedroom.
Everything was exactly as I expected it to be: simple and extremely neat.
The room was decorated with nothing more than the essential. A wooden headboard was placed against the wall on my left, at its sides two small night tables, and in front of it, about a meter away, stood a large double door wardrobe. To my right a completely bare wall with a solid wood door right in the center. His bathroom, I thought.
Almost all the light came from a large window on the left, precisely aligned between the bed and the wardrobe, while a small candle on one of the two bedside tables illuminated a box. It must be the medkit he was talking about. Once I saw it, I took it and ordered him:
“Sit on the bed”. Oddly enough, he silently obeyed.
Levi patted on a spot on his left, and silently following his instructions, I made my way to the bed. Twenty-four hours earlier I would have bitten him if he had tried one more time to gesture me something.
I sat and tucked a leg under me. Without wasting any more time, I observed the kit, searching for something useful to treat the lesion with. Then I took Levi by the shoulders, making him rotate in my direction since his wound was on his right side, a few centimeters from his collarbone.
As I sanitized my hands, I pondered upon what to do. He had already stopped the bleeding, but a couple of stitches were definitely needed; the injury was long and deep.
Meanwhile, Levi continued to stare at me as I began to clean up his wound. All of a sudden, in a single move, he took me by the hips, lifting me and placing me on his lap. Then he said,
“You’ll have a better look on it from here.”
“L-Levi, your legs ... Don't they hurt you?” I nervously stuttered sensing the bare skin of my thighs against the fabric of his pants. I was suddenly aware of how short and thin my dress was.
“I can’t fight a titan right now, but I think I can handle this.” and as he said so, he pointed his gaze to my thighs. I tried to divert his attention, changing the subject, and returning to his wound.
“Whatever. I'll be quick.”
“Take your time." he murmured.
While I was cleaning his wound, Levi had stayed religiously silent. But after a while, he said: “You did well today.”
“I don't think so…” I immediately replied.
“Why? You're still alive.” he said looking for my gaze, still fixed on a spot between the edges of his wound.
“You’re still alive. You survived. Even. This. Time. You little scum. You survived and they didn't.” That voice in my head started haunting me.
But it was right. After all, if it hadn't been for Eren, I would have probably met the same fate as Petra, or Eld, or anybody else. I still didn’t dare to share my thoughts with him. When I tried to reach for the disinfectant in the kit, Levi blocked me with his arm, saying, like it was an order:
“Look at me, Daphne.”
But I ignored him, trying to extend my arm past his. With just one hand, he suddenly grabbed my jaw, forcing me to turn to him. His piercing eyes moved impatiently between mine as if he were looking for a clue to my silence, inspecting the deepest depths of my soul.
“What is it, uh? Don't tell me you think you didn't deserve to survive?”
I tried to stay still, returning his intense gaze, without saying anything. Still unable to confess, I was on the verge of a break down: in his presence, I always felt like an open book. Easily readable. Inevitably clear.
Suddenly his grip on me became stronger and his tone darker and tense. His voice sounded almost like a growl as he spoke through his teeth, “Do you think you didn't deserve to be alive in the place of my squad? In place of valiant soldiers like Eld ... Gunther ... Petra ... and even Oruo?”
“Stop it …” I abruptly cried, looking away and freeing myself from his grip. I jumped up and massaged my jaw as I walked away. I was about to leave when Levi spoke again:
“Did you really think I wouldn't find out?”At the sound of those words, I felt obliged to turn around.
“Eren told me everything,” he said as he stood up from the bed.
“That you two didn't want to leave. You didn't want to leave them alone” He took a step forward.
“That Eld opposed, imposing his orders on you. And that you decided to follow them.” Another one further.
"That when you saw them die, one after the other, you were ready to go and fight it." he said, taking another step until he was now right in front of me. A few inches away, he whispered, warming up my skin with his hot breath:
“You did what you had to do, Daphne.”
I remained motionless, digesting his words and his looming proximity. Sensing my silence, he slowly stepped forward, and brushing his lips on my ear he said:
“You know what? I think all this has nothing to do with the expedition”. Then he moved to the other:
“I think it's just your unswerving guilt.” So he went back to the other:
“It has nothing to do with having accomplished the mission or not. Or not even with surviving the expedition. No...” Then he returned to the other side, this time pronouncing every single word as slowly as he could:
“It's the guilt of not having been able to save someone you cared about. Again...” Then he brought his face back right in front of mine
“Now tell me. Am I wrong?"
If there had ever been butterflies in my stomach, by then they had probably all burned alive by that sudden rage I felt flare up from within. Caught by that blind anger, without even realizing it, I impulsively grabbed him by the neck, applying solid pressure on it, not enough to choke him, but just enough to hurt him, even a little.
So I pulled him in, to the point where our noses touched, and gritting my teeth I warned him,
"Don't think you can talk to me like this just because last night I was crying in your arms, Levi."
He continued to stare at me almost impassively, unblinking as if my fingers were nothing around his neck. On second thought, his eyes looked so empty. So tired. I would have said even so deeply sad.
Let's be honest, he could have freed himself from my grasp in a second, and yet he didn't. Then bringing his jaw forward, almost caressing my lips, he opened his mouth to say,
“Go ahead. Squeeze harder if it makes you feel better.”
I inhaled deeply trying not to completely lose control and kill him on the spot. But still, I couldn’t loosen up my grip on him.
Seeing me waver, Levi stepped even further, pushing me with the weight of his body against the wall behind me. As soon as I felt the chill of the bare surface on my back, I saw his arms rising. His fists were now positioned at the same height as my head on the wall, while his neck was still between my fingers.
“Do you think I don't feel that way too? That guilt? Do you think I wouldn't have given my life for them? We all feel that way. Every. Single. Time”
At the sound of his words, my arms fell helplessly along the sides of my body.
What the hell got into me all of a sudden? Until a few minutes earlier, I had arrived there with the best of intentions. I wanted to help him, I wanted to be by his side… And now? Now I was almost choking him. I had to calm down as soon as possible.
We both needed to calm down. After all, we were both exhausted, powerless, and incurably grieving.
Calm down, Daphne.
I rubbed my eyes furiously as if my fingers could flay off the tremendous frustration I was feeling at that moment. I swallowed all my pride, even though it was almost impossible for me to bear the fact that Levi had read me so easily. It was almost humiliating.I sighed and finally looked up from the ground. Instinctively I raised my hand to reach his neck again. I let my fingers slide slowly as if I could gently trace the word sorry along his skin. I had crossed the line.
Lower, his wound had started to bleed again, so with one hand, I guided him back to his bed, straddling him again. Then I said with a thread of voice:
“Let’s just get this over with.”
We stayed perfectly silent as I started working on his wound all over again.
As I leaned over my right to take the disinfectant in the kit, I felt Levi's hands brush my skin, working it’s way up my thighs to my back. In a very specific point: not too high, not too low, just a few centimeters before it could have gotten awkward. I quickly eyed him, but he defended himself, saying:
“It's just to keep you from falling.” I involuntarily rolled my eyes and then added:
“Anyway, hold still, this may hurt.” So I applied the product, but Levi never flinched. When I was done, Levi spoke again:
“Farlan and Isabel... I saw them die during my first expedition. We were just a bunch of kids from the Underground. We weren't even supposed to be there. They didn't have to die there. And I didn't have to survive there.”
Then he paused.
“But I did… Daphne, this thing never gets better. Each expedition is like a Russian roulette and you just have to keep your fingers crossed until the very end.”
“I'm so sorry Levi…” I could only add. Who knows how he must have felt at that moment.
Then, after I had sanitized my hands, knowing what a clean-freak I was dealing with, I took a needle and thread. But before proceeding, I found the courage to tell him:
“Sometimes I just think I’m not suited for this life. Not even for that little freedom I’ve experienced the past three years in the Underground after Martha had freed me... I feel like I've been in survival mode throughout my whole life.”
I almost hesitated before speaking again.
“Sometimes I feel like I can't take this anymore. And other times I can manage any situation without any problem... As if there was another person within me that takes my reins and saves my ass every single time... I do not know how long I will be able to endure. How much suffering and death I will still have to witness before I crumble down…”
I was at my limit and my tone had become definitely quieter as I continued:
“Or maybe it's just the fact that you are humanity’s strongest soldier and I am a simple girl from the Underground.”
Placing a hand on his chest, I could feel his heart pounding faster and faster at the sound of my words and his hands on me sinking their grip, dipping into my skin through the thin layer of cloth.
So we found ourselves staring at each other, again, in silence. That emptiness was becoming unbearable when I decided to bring my attention back to the wound, saying:
“I should get you something to bite while I sew your-” But holding me still on top of him, he assured me,
“It won’t be necessary. I can bear it.”
“I know, tough guy, but this is really gonna hurt-”
“I’ve just told you it won’t be necessary.” Looking at him closely, he seemed quite serious, so I decided to proceed, reemphasizing:
“Ok, but stop me if it hurts.” I felt a light pressure on my back as the needle sank into his skin, but after the first knot, I sensed his grip loosen and his hands began to gently stroke me with small circles on my back.
“Of these houses nothing remains but the rubble of a ruined wall…” he said as the thread formed another knot on his skin.
“Of the many who were so close to me nothing remains” a little pause “not even that.” I tightened another knot.
“But in my heart not one cross is missing.” another one.
“This ravaged village is my heart.”
By now I was done with the sewing and looking carefully at those four crosses on his skin, perfectly aligned with his wound, I felt his words make their way up to my eyes, where one after the other they pooled on the very edge of my eyelids. Like dew after a long humid night.
I looked up, hoping to manage to say something.
“It's a poem I found in Erwin's bookcase…” he added.
“Levi…” I feebly said, trying to steady myself with a hand on his shoulder. Those words had made me dizzy.
Suddenly he pulled me closer, squeezing me tighter and enveloping me completely, while I felt my body almost melting against his and my robe shifting in his hands.
“You don't have to endure or overcome pain. You just have to keep going, Daphne. The fact that you are still alive does not make you a villain, but a survivor, a fighter.”
I did my best to hold back my tears. I wanted to show him that I was truly listening to him, that I had listened to every single word of his since we met. Sensing my discomfort and looking me straight in the eyes, he added:
“Time is not on our side... But if you learn to treasure every second you’re granted, the world will be yours. Do what you think is right and never look back. Never have regrets.”
I returned his gaze and sighing, I nodded. Then I stretched out my arm over his and took a gauze to cover the stitches. Still tied in his grip, practically glued onto him, I naively asked:
“So you really don't have any regrets? Not even one?”
“One or two.” he said roaming his eager gaze from my eyes and to my lips. And vice versa. Restlessly.
His hands silently slipped along my hips and then squeezed me, as if he wanted to hold me even closer to him when the space between us had already completely vanished. I felt my breath shorten and my back instinctively arch as he aligned me with his hard-on, gently pressing me on it.
Despite his tired eyes, Levi's nostrils were wide open like those of a wild animal in front of its prey, sighing heavily and looming over it. An ache grew within me, shaping a stinging line from my belly down to my legs. At that point my hips could not stay still, grinding almost imperceptibly on him.
A thick fog of suspended breaths had materialized in those few inches between our faces, as we inhaled and exhaled, with our mouth wide open, impatiently waiting for one of us to take the first step. The one who was ready to surrender and lose.
LEVI’S POV
My hands were literally itching because of her. All because I selfishly wanted more of her.
Her figure perfectly molded onto mine; we were like two long lost pieces of jigsaw now reunited. I scanned every inch of her body in front of me with my breath, never touching her. Then swallowing thickly, I confessed:
“Daphne, when I saw you hanging from that tree today…”. I sighed trying to pull myself together “ The fact that you are alive is more than enough for me…” Then I went back on her face. Resting my forehead on hers and cupping the back of her head, I murmured:
“But just say the word…”
I felt almost as if I were sinking into my bed when she whispered back:
Warnings: read the masterlist first and check Alec’s chart
Songs: “The One That Got Away (Acoustic Version)” by Katy Perry, “Hurt” by Christina Aguilera, “Carousel” by Melanie Martinez.
DAPHNE’S POV
˜ FLASHBACK ˜
The first time Alec arrived at the brothel he was just 15. His father wanted to introduce him to his job, to secure his position and future. Very thoughtful of his, if it wasn’t for the fact that he had just brought a little lamb in the lion’s cage.
Alec was already tall for his age, but he kept growing in height until he was almost 6’0. And yet his body stayed pretty slender and delicate. It quite matched his sweet features and manners. Alec was the purest soul I’ve ever met in my entire, albeit short, life.
At first, he just had to take care of the few horses and carriages the Master possessed. Animals didn’t quite like the Underground’s environment, so Alec and his father were the only ones allowed to go on the surface to go for a ride or escort the Master somewhere.
He wasn’t authorized to talk to us or even enter the brothel: us girls were off-limits. But, eventually, we found our ways to meet him. There weren’t many nice and young people around the building. And as good-looking as him.
Nina and I weren’t on the same page about Alec. She used to bully him all the time, calling him whiner or pussy. On the contrary, I’ve always known he was one of a kind. And to be honest, he was so nice that even the Master started to like him and became more indulgent with him. That’s when he softened and I formally met Alec for the first time.
I remember that one of my first training with my Master’s goons didn’t end well for me. I had bruises and wounds all over my body and face, and I couldn’t even stand up properly. I don’t know what I was expecting, they had never been the kindest.
However, long story short, that day I was a literal mess and as I was trying to pull myself together, I crawled to the nearest place, looking for some water and rest: the stable.
As soon as Alec saw me, he ran towards me and started stuttering anxious and incoherent phrases. He took care of me and since that day, after each training he would have waited for me to spend some time together, talking, playing with the horses, walking around the building, or just enjoying our company, in silence.
We tried our best to not get caught as we treasured those moments together just for ourselves.
“So?? Did that scrawny ass boy have the courage to kiss you this time?” said Nina, when I entered the kitchen. “What the fuck are you talking about, Nina??” I promptly replied. “Daphne! Pretty please, stop swearing…” complained Abigail “Well, did he proposed???” then added full of curiosity. “WHAAAAT?? EXCUSE ME???” I shouted.
“Oh, c’mon Daphne. it’s so obvious that even Sae-jin got it!” screamed Ruth walking in the room. “Don’t pull me in. I don’t give a damn about what she does with that poor boy…” calmly stated Sae-jin, leaving the room and dragging away with her Eve, who as usual was not understanding much.
Sae-jin was always so avoidant. But how could I blame her? The girls could get pretty annoying sometimes. Well, always.
“Ok, now I’m losing my patience…” I sighed “You’re totally misunderstanding the situation. Alec and I are just good friends” I declared. “I couldn’t care less how you call each other. Friends, brothers, potatoes…” started again Nina, now reaching for Ruth, who instantly intercepted her gesture and sprinted to sit on her lap.
Nina was always too casual when it came to those things. Whenever we were alone - which happened very frequently given that we were almost inseparable - she used to tell me: “They told us what to do with our bodies, but this…” she pointed at my head “… and this…” and then at my heart “are only ours, or of those to whom we choose to dedicate them”.
I knew she was talking from experience. Among us, she was the best at faking the whole thing, the clients loved her, but she was nobody’s property but Ruth’s. And vice versa. “Remember doll, loving and fucking are two different things… Well, if you find someone who can give you both, then… Lucky you” and then laughed out loud.
I never fully grasped what she meant. At that time, I knew so little about relationships, love, desires, but I wanted to know more, to learn more about myself, my true self, the one I couldn’t talk to anyone about.
Eventually, I figured it out in the oddest way: the thing I despised more than anything else, sex, taught me the most about the others, myself, and my relationship with others. So little could be hidden to two naked bodies, two stripped minds. But that’s a lesson I learned only once out of th brothel, years later.
But still, at that time, love was only a mysterious word in Martha’s stupid fairytales, in Chadia’s past affairs she used to tell us about, and in Nina’s mischievous hints.
“Girls… Geez, we didn’t kiss! And never we will!” I stated, getting nervous. “Ok, one more week. I bet tonight tips” whispered Ruth in Nina’s ear. “Deal” said Nina. Abigail chuckled watching my frustrated reaction. Those were our little innocent moments. Just the calm before the storm.
Eventually, that day arrived. I knew Alec had a crush on me, but I always avoided thinking about it too much, until that day. I was hanging the laundry on the rooftop of the building when Alec came to me mumbling some nonsense. “Alec, are you high or something?” I teased him. He frowned making a hilarious puppy face. He always looked so innocent even when he was angry.
“N-no. No, please Daphne, let me finish” he said. “Boy, you didn’t even start” I laughed. He couldn’t stand my attitude anymore, so he rushed towards me, making his way through the bright blankets swaying in the air. And there, hidden by their motion, he stole me a kiss.
He immediately took a step back. One kiss gave him enough courage to say: “I like you, Daphne. I like you a lot. I liked you since the first day I saw you through the window. And I think I’ll like you forever…” he said all in one breath.
I blinked, unable to say a single word. I knew I liked him too, but I could already tell the difference between our feelings. And I believe he knew that too. Since I couldn’t stand lying to him, I didn’t say anything and I just hugged him tightly.
I knew that wasn’t love, but Alec always made me feel safe and understood, so I swallowed my indecision and gave it a try. I was so young and naive.
I used to sneak out at night, climbing down my window, to meet him at the stable. I was always the one who initiated every make-out session and Alec seemed to appreciate it, but he was already content with my presence, he simply enjoyed my company. Instead, I craved to be touched by him, by someone who cared about me, for once. I craved it like I was starving and avidly trying to figure out something, someone. Probably myself.
We successfully kept it on the down-low for more than a year. When I turned 20, he surprised me with a gift: a knife, with a capital D he personally engraved on the hilt. I couldn’t stop thanking him, when, at some point, he came up with “I know you can handle yourself, but I want you to be safe. Whatever happens”.
“Alec, you’re such a party pooper. Don’t be so dramatic, I’ll be fiiiine. But still thank you so-“. “No, Daphne, you don’t get it” he interrupted me “Trust me. Things are taking a turn for the worst. The Master is getting himself into… into some deep shit”. “Alec Reed. Did you just say the s-word??” I sarcastically added. But his face was so serious I almost got scared.
“Things are about to go down, Daphne. Please, carry this thing with you… Oh, I almost forgot about it. Here, I also made this” he said handing me a short leather belt with a little pocket designed for the knife. “You can put it around your…” he coughed “…thigh”.
His little speech literally gave me chills and I desperately wanted to change the subject, so I seized the moment. “Oh, well… since you thought about this belt on my thigh…” I seductively said, raising my skirt up, exposing my leg “…Why don’t you show me how you imagined it” I suggested.
He almost choked at my words, causing me to laugh out loud. I hugged him once again, thinking that the heavens had sent him to me. I kissed him on the cheek, thanking him again, and then I rushed back inside since our little time was quickly coming to an end. But his words stuck inside my head for days, weeks, months, until his prophecy took place.
My last year at the brothel was nothing but a sequence of tragedies. One day Eve found Chadia’s lifeless body and after a couple of months, Sae-jin and her lover, Colton, were brutally murdered by the Master, who found out about their complot against him. Tabitha was given as wife (well, sold) to an unknown client and at some point, Abigail started to act quite strangely around me, almost avoiding me.
That chain of catastrophes ended with my worst nightmare: Alec’s execution.
One night, after climbing back to my window, I found two guards waiting for me in my room. One of them quickly grabbed a fist of my hair, shoved me down to the stairs and then dragged me to the back of the brothel. And there I saw them.
Alec was on his knees and around him stood other guards in a semi-circle. I tried to call Alec but he didn’t seem to even notice me. His eyes were fixed on the ground, his hands behind his back and his body shaking. “Alec, what’s going on…” I murmured again.
“Oh babygirl, you know what is going on…” my Master’s voice echoed behind me. His filthy hands caressed my skin, from my collarbone to my chin, as he spoke again “Boy, look up, look up at me when I'm talking”. Alec immediately obeyed. His face was swollen and his eyes glassy and red. “Alec…” I whispered in disbelief, shaking my head.
“See? You see this?” The Master said brushing his index along my cheek and then fiercely grabbing my jaw “This is my property… Everything here is my property… I trusted you boy. But I think you’ve bitten off more than you can chew”. “No… No... Please no” I whispered as tears streamed down my face. He was right: I knew what was going on.
The Master nodded and all his little dogs moved quickly, obeying him. A second just before that, Alec’s lips moved to tell me something that I wasn’t quick enough to catch. Soon the Master’s goons were over him, ruthlessly punching and kicking him.
I started to scream and as soon as I tried to move forwards the Master fiercely grabbed me, blocking my arms behind my back and holding my jaw in Alec’s direction so tightly he was bruising my skin. I fidgeted in his grip and while I was sobbing uncontrollably, he whispered in my ear “Oh no no no, babygirl. I want you to watch this veeeery carefully… I want you to learn a little lesson today… Nobody touches what’s mine”.
I couldn’t stay still in the Master’s hands. I couldn’t stand that view anymore but he was so massive and definitely stronger than me at that time. On the corner of my eye, on the left, I saw a couple of other guards holding a man: Alec’s father. His face was stoic, his body firm. He didn’t even notice me: he was "watching carefully, trying to learn a little lesson that day".
When they were done with Alec, the Master let go of me and my body fell heavily on the ground, exhausted. Alec was left on the ground, lifeless and alone. His dad immediately walked away as I crawled to Alec's body, calling his name softly “Alec… Alec… “. My hands stood in front of his black and blue face. I didn’t dare to even touch him like I was in front of something unreal.
Words seemed to get trapped in my throat and my mind completely blanked out. I don’t know how much time passed, but at a certain point, a sweet voice whispered in my ear “Let’s go, doll…”. I immediately sensed Nina’s strong hands lifting me and carrying me up to my room. I desperately clung to her body as we made our way back into the building.
That night I did learn a lesson: The Master would have paid for all of that. But revenge is a dish best served cold and the night I escaped from the brothel I left my sister Abigail Alec’s knife: just one knife wouldn’t have been enough for my plan.
˜
Trying to not think about Levi’s lips on me was impossible. Even if I promised to myself to cut him out of my mind, that night I allowed myself to repeat that scene, that feeling several times again in my head until I went numb and fell asleep. I felt helpless against those thoughts and I let them get the better of me. Just for tonight…I thought.
Another day came and I told myself that that fantasy wouldn’t have left my room, it would have died there within its walls. As soon as I see him again, let’s make things clear before anything else happens. Confident, I went straight down to the cafeteria, but Levi was nowhere to be found.
On the right corner of my eye, I sensed Mikasa, shily waving at me, and Sasha energetically gesturing me to join them for breakfast. “Where is Eren?” I said at some point. Well, where is Levi? I actually thought. “I was thinking the same thing…” mumbled Mikasa. “Maybe he’s just with the captain and his squad, or with Hange” suggested Armin, trying to comfort her.
I decided to use that spare time to practice my future speech in my mind. "Levi, let’s stop making out in the kitchen. Ok, thank you for your kind attention, bye". No, this is absolutely ridiculous. I sound like I want to make out somewhere else. Oh, breakfast is over. And as I got up from the table I kept thinking of some other smarter alternatives.
"Levi, don’t you ever kiss me again". Are you sure you want to say that, Daphne? asked that annoying voice in my head. Sure. Absolutely. "Levi, don’t come closer to me ever again ". Okay, maybe that’s a bit much. "Levi, stop...". And as my feet unconsciously followed the others into the hallway and my mind wandered looking for other excuses, I sensed a presence behind me and a hand grabbing my left arm.
Then, suddenly, a warm breath tickled my ear, saying: "When you’re done with the lesson, meet me at the stable. I’ll wait for you". Levi. I instantly froze, unable to take another step forward, and my lips slightly parted, as if I had just seen a ghost.
As soon as I felt that presence moving away from me, a cold shiver ran down my back. He never failed to make me feel so fucking helpless. I turned around and saw the Captain join the rest of the squad, going in the opposite direction. Among the soldiers, I saw Eren, who waved at me and thankfully woke me from that momentary paralysis.
"When you’re done with the lesson, meet me at the stable. I’ll wait for you. When you’re done with the lesson, meet me at the stable. I’ll wait for you. Meet me at the stable. I’ll wait for you. I’ll wait for you". Stop, stop, stop. STOP. This must end now.
When we arrived in the classroom, we were greeted by a couple of team leaders standing in front of a huge green board. A few steps from them Commander Erwin Smith was waiting for us all to take the seat. As soon as he got our full attention, he started talking "Cadets, welcome. Before class starts, I wanted to carve out a moment to talk to you".
I looked around quickly. Everyone seemed completely fascinated by Erwin’s words. The only thing I could think of, looking at him, was a huge fucking obstacle, the wall standing between me and my true freedom. "The next expedition will start in less than 48 hours. I hope no one wants to pull back at this point" he lightly laughed, looking at the other team leaders.
"I hope not... especially since I hope that each of you will understand your invaluable value. Each of you is a key piece in this plan. Each of you is a key piece in the victory of mankind over titans. Your life and death will have meaning far beyond human understanding. Sacrifice your hearts for mankind".
I only needed those 10 minutes in his presence to truly understand Commander Smith. It wasn’t just his always right choice of words, his statuesque physique, or the charm of his reputation. No. It was his aura. It reminded me of the same feeling Levi gave me. They were men of power, because they emanated that power, in their gestures, in their gaze, even in the tone of their voice.
At that point, if Commander Smith had ordered me to make him soup, I would have made it on the spot. "Well, my time is up. See you at the departure, soldiers," he said, looking at us with severity and pride, and then, after our salute, he left.
Shortly after, the squad leader Ness took the floor. He was in charge of making a general explanation for the expedition. He clarified the main goals, the equipment and the distinction of the different colors of the signal flares, and other basic rules. In the afternoon, the various units would have more information from their captains on their position and strategy.
I did my best to concentrate but Levi’s words still echoed in my head. "I’ll wait for you". Commander Erwin had not hesitated to mention our possible - and statistical - death during the mission. If I don’t want to die, I’d better listen more carefully.
Wrong move. Erwin’s speech had a whole other heaviness than Levi’s vague hint. It was life or death, and at that point, I no longer knew which one of those damn two was driving me nuts.
After the lesson, I immediately went to the stable. Look at you, what are you? His puppy? So obedient... Look at you wagging your tail... teased me a voice in my head. I wanted to confront Levi about the other night, now more than ever.
Once at the threshold of the stable I couldn't see anyone and so, I entered the shed starting the monologue that I had prepared before.
"Look, Levi, I don’t have much time to waste... Levi. Where the hell are you... Levi? Are you here?" I have a bad feeling about this. While I was still calling his name, at a certain point someone called mine: "Daphne?". That was definitely not Levi.
Eren jumped out of a corner and I instantly froze. Then he added, "Here you are! We were waiting for you," and so I turned around. Behind my back, the whole - I repeat, the whole - Levi Squad was preparing their horses. Fuck, fuck, fuck, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Among them, Levi was staring at me with his hands on the hips and the smug look of someone who seemed to have just won a bet or something. As if that wasn’t enough, in addition to that temporary shame, seeing Levi after that kiss was just torture. I could still feel his hands and the icy peppermint aftertaste of his breath all over me.
Once I found a crumb of courage, I managed to simulate a shy salute.
"So how did it go with Commander Smith? Did he scare you enough?" Petra asked me, laughing. "Yep" I replied. "C’mon, get a move on," Levi said harshly. I looked at him, quite confused. “I need to talk to you all about the expedition," he added.
"Oh, wait, Captain! Before we go..." Petra started talking again "Here, Daphne, from now on this is yours!". She handed me a green cape with the wings of freedom on the back. Once I wore it, Petra said: "Wow, green is definitely your color, Daphne!"
I looked around and immediately saw Gunther saying, almost blushing, "Indeed. It looks really good on you, Daphne". Then again, I felt that familiar feeling of being watched intensely. I slightly turned my head to intercept Levi’s reaction, who was checking me from head to toe. I don’t know what I’d give to know what’s on his mind sometimes...
"Yeah, sure" Oruo muttered, rolling his eyes and jumping on the saddle. Eld gave me a nod and followed his comrade. The others joined them and then I heard a trot getting closer behind me. Levi was walking towards me with two horses beside him.
Handing me the reins of my horse, he silently approached me, with his usual composed expression. So, I started to say, "Look, Levi, first...", but he immediately interrupted me: "What is it? Were you expecting a romantic rendezvous with me in the stable?"
"No" I quickly answered in a frustrated tone "First of all, I’m sorry for calling you by your name… I didn’t know-“. “I couldn’t care less” he interrupted me and then walked away. “HEY! I’M NOT DONE TALKING!” I shouted back at him. He immediately turned around, looking at me wide-eyed, quite surprised by my tone.
“Secondly…” I coughed “I wanted to talk to you about what happened last night in the kitc-". But Levi didn’t, again, let me finish the sentence, and getting practically under my nose he said: "I think you were pretty clear about it. We shouldn’t have kissed, right?".
I didn’t know what to say and Levi knew perfectly well how uncomfortable he was making me. He tilted his head and raised his eyebrows as if he wanted a quick answer from me. (Poorly) faking a bold attitude, I gave him a wide smile as if to confirm his insinuation and so I began to exit the stable.
But just when I was a few inches away from him, Levi started talking again: "I’m sorry Daphne, I really can’t do this". I couldn’t tell by his tone if he was sad, serious, or almost angry when he said those words. "Me neither, Captain," I told him, showing off the most impassive face I could do, and so I went out, without looking back.
When we reached the others, we set off, riding for a good half an hour. Once we reached an isolated place, we got off the horse and Eld began to explain to us the strategy for the expedition. Our position would have been in the rear. Our only goal was to protect Eren.
"I have reason to believe that Commander Smith is hiding something from us... like a second target of the mission," Eld suggested. "Are you doubting the Commander?" Oruo tried to insinuate. "I’m just saying, there’s a good chance this mission is just a test. A simulation to see if it is possible to reach the district of Shiganshina" Eld declared, instantly interrupting him.
While the rest of the squad seemed to discuss it without much concern, Eren and I were visibly confused. So, I turned around to look for Levi. I needed some reassurance. Meanwhile, he had been on the sidelines, caressing his horse’s mane, enjoying the light breeze of that day. He caught me staring, turned his face and with his lips mimed a "What are you looking at?". This man...
Soon after, Eld specified to Eren and me that those instructions were absolutely confidential and no one outside of our squad should know Eren’s position. We both responded with a firm nod.
Back at the base, Levi coldly dismissed us saying: "Well, that’s all for today. If you want to continue your training, the courtyard is at your disposal. Tomorrow, enjoy your day off. We will meet the day after tomorrow, at dawn, before departure. You can go now"
I looked at Levi one last time. So that’s it? That’s really it? I thought.
That night and the whole next day I did my best to escape Levi. At meals, I tried to avoid his table, and I dedicated the day before the expedition trying to make be more friendly with the other soldiers. "Be more sociable," you said to me that night, right? So, I’ll do my best, Captain.
After dinner, I was invited by Eren to spend some time together with the other before the departure. The concern for the next expedition was getting heavier and the mere thought of having to socialize more hourse did nothing but make the situation worse. So, I went to the kitchen to get a cup of chamomile tea. I needed to calm down.
LEVI’S POV
I started to believe that castle was haunted for real. That damn kitchen reminded me of those few but indelible memories with Daphne... and yet after a restless wandering in the halls I found myself there again, on the doorstep looking at her as she stared out of the window.
I watched her take the pot from the stove and pour it somewhere, maybe into the cup she supposedly had prepared before. I started to make my way into the room, trying to come up with something reasonable to say to her.
As soon as I got close to her, Daphne turned around. "Captain" she saluted me coldly and then left without adding anything else, holding in her hands the fuming cup. Say something, you idiot, I ordered myself. But nothing came out.
As soon as I realized I was alone in the room a growl of frustration slipped out of my mouth. Damn it. But maybe it was a sign for both of us to forget about what happened between us. Nothing. It meant nothing.
Then, looking up from the ground, I noticed something strange on the cabinet: another fuming cup, placed on a tiny tissue, on which my name had been written.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
Songs:“Perfectly Wrong” by Shawn Mendes, “Insecure” by Brent Faiyaz ( I think this song is exactly what is going on inside Daphne’s/your head rn), “Teacher’s Pet” by Melanie Martinez (when DaddyErwin arrives)
DAPHNE’S POV
“Are you sure you’ve had enough?”
Tracing his thumbs over my ribs and lowering his gaze to my torso, Levi firmly said “No.” and my bottom lip quivered in anticipation. I instantly felt something unfamiliar, something wicked growing in my lower belly, something I had to suppress as soon as possible. I could see the same lust swimming around Levi’s eyes, but the dark shadows beneath them, the gauze over his wound, the scars, the signs, and all the bruises all over his skin talked more loudly to my conscience than my selfish yearning. We both needed some rest.
I sighed and moved away from him, leaving him quite puzzled. I stood up from the tub, removed his firm grip from my ass and smirked at him as I stepped out. But he was faster than I expected. Levi instinctively followed me out of the bath, caught me, and turned me to face him again, pushing me against the wall behind me. Then his lips found my neck, eagerly gliding down my throat, following the line over my pulse.
“Where do you think you’re going?” he breathed against my heated skin. I almost didn’t catch his words, his lips barely lifted from me to spell his sentence out. He gently pulled my torso toward him as he slid down, exploring every inch of my skin. Again.
At the same time, one of his hands was firmly pressed on my waist while the other one was down on my thigh, lifting it up and securing it next to his side. My shoulder blades were now pressed against the bathroom's wall, my hands loosely placed over his shoulders, my eyes closed, my mind completely somewhere else.
No. We need to stop. I need to stop this… This is wrong. So wrong. What are we even doing?
I swallowed thickly trying to pull myself back together.
“Levi, we… You should rest-”
I couldn’t even manage to finish my sentence as I felt his fingers lightly pinching my nipple, then gently cupping my breast, and his face slowly climbing back up to mine.
He looks so tired.
“You should go to bed now” I sweetly whispered, caressing his cheeks with my hands. His face immediately lifted and a wide smirk curled his mouth.
“Say less.” he murmured.
That’s the last thing I remember about that night. Even now it feels like, when his swollen lips met mine again, everything just went in a blur of sloppy noises and imprecise memories. We clumsily rushed back to the bed, not even minding to put some new sheets on, landing on the bare mattress, one pressed against the other. We probably did it again, at least once. Only the adrenaline kept us going, but at some point I think we just passed out.
In the middle of the night, I woke with a start. A biting heat was scratching my throat, my mouth was completely drained, my body almost did not respond to my own commands, and my eyes refused to open. Once I faintly lifted my eyelids, I finally realized where I was. And most importantly, who I was with.
Lying next to me there was Levi, still sleeping soundly. Who knows how long he hadn't slept like that. His arms were still lazily wrapped around me, his chest swelled and deflated slowly with each breath, his forehead was flat and relaxed, his lips barely parted. I would have stayed there forever just staring at him.
I felt so small, so vulnerable on that bare mattress, and yet so calm. A thin thread of moonlight casually traced his contours and all I could do was silently contemplate him. If I had had the strength, I would have once more run my fingers through his silky dark hair, which now hung messily over his temples.
I would have stayed there forever.
I would have stayed there even forever if I hadn't felt that sudden bang inside my chest. Badum. Like a hammer knocking unexpectedly against my ribcage. Badum. A toll that became almost deafening in the absolute silence of that night. Badum. It was the first time a man had made me so small, so vulnerable. Badum. But I think I knew that feeling. Badum. It was the same thing I felt during the expedition, when the only thing I could think of was Levi and how badly I wanted to see him again. Badum.
I didn’t know what that was exactly, but it scared me to death.
“Oooh, you know what this is. You know it already, little liar. You felt like this even yesterday when you were looking for him everywhere, so desperately, so foolishly.” Badum.
“You felt like this when he helped you calming down.” Badum.
“When he kissed you the first time.” Badum.
“When he let you talk about your stupid past.” Badum.
“Even when he was just looking at you from a distance.” Badum.
“You’ve been feeling like this since the very beginning, you foolish little girl.” Badum.
“So why don’t you stay? Stay. Linger between your dear captain’s arms a little longer.“ Badum.
“Stay. No really, stay.” Badum.
“It won’t make much of a difference at this point.” Badum.
“Ruth is dead.” Badum.
“Abigail hates you.” Badum.
“Nina would hate you too if she only knew all the blood that ran through your hands last year.” Badum.
“Stay.” Badum.
At that point my heart was racing so wildly in my chest I almost believed it was about to wake Levi up, but probably only an earthquake could have disturbed his sleep in that state. I did my best to slip out of his arms as silently as possible, dragging my weary body off the bed, crawling, and looking for my clothes. Then I creeped out of his room, limping back to mine.
Time was not on our side, he was right. Nothing was on our side. People like Levi and me can be content with letting down their guards for one night and one night only. I would have stayed forever, but not in this life. The new day would eventually bring clarity to the stupid mistake we both made that night. He would have done the same in my position. Or at least, this is what I tried to tell myself as I curled up in my blankets, crying myself to sleep.
The next day I instinctively got up to the sound of the alarm and dragged my body into the bathroom like an automaton. I felt like throwing up. My bowels were literally upside down.
Then, opening the wardrobe to take the uniform, I came across my reflection. Almost complementary to the battle scars there were now faint bruises where Levi must have exerted too much pressure the previous night. I stared at them for a couple of solid minutes, not even daring to touch my own skin. They were the clear signs that what happened between us couldn’t be washed away that easily. But I was determined to find a way to erase them. To forget about him and get back on track. He wasn’t part of my plan, nor I would have allowed him in. Ever.
I'm going to earn my freedom on my own, legitimately this time. In a way or another.
Anyway, that morning eating was out of the question. I could barely bring myself to drink a glass of water at that point. On top of that, just the thought of seeing Levi made me already sick. Therefore, I decided to skip breakfast and go straight to the medical wing of the HQ. I knew I could be of service and my first aid skills were definitely needed after the expedition.
I kept myself busy all day, helping injured soldiers and filling reports. Hours dragged on pretty easily. I was so caught up that I even forgot about lunch. I was going around like a spinning top. But as always, the Lady Luck was not cooperating that day. Still kneeled beside a soldier’s bed to change his gauze, I suddenly froze. From a distance I heard the nurses greeting someone, saying things like: “Captain”, “Captain, welcome”, “How are you feeling, Captain?”
I hoped and prayed with my eyes closed they were talking to another captain. Spoiler alert: they weren’t.
Chills ran down my spine when, lifting cautiously my eyelids, I saw Levi sitting next to another soldier’s bed, right in front of the one I was taking care of. He wasn’t in his uniform, just regular clothes, his expression looked neutral, his shoulders less tense than usual.
He lingered there for less than five minutes I think, holding that man’s hand and talking to him with such a low tone I couldn’t catch a single word. That soldier’s conditions were pretty bad, I was told he was about to die and I assumed Levi was there to talk to him or just to say goodbye. I secretly imagined their conversation as I tried to stay focused on my patient. In the meantime, I foolishly believed Levi didn’t even perceive my presence, but when he stood up and walked past me, everything was suddenly crystal clear.
He knew I was there. He perfectly knew. It took a single, brief glance to express all the disappointment and disgust he was feeling toward me. Just one.
How I missed his old unreadable face.
I gulped and brought my eyes back on the soldier I was treating. I knew I probably hurt Levi, or maybe just his ego, but I didn’t expect that sudden nausea to grow again in my stomach.
I shouldn’t feel bad for him. I should feel bad for myself. Also, I only did him, us, a favor. A big favor. He’ll forget about me pretty soon. Stop thinking about him and just move on, Daphne. You made the right choice. No regrets, right?
When dinner time arrived, the nurses were practically forcing us all to take a break and go eat something, but my stomach was still upside down. As I was on my way to my bedroom, rhythmically exerting a little pressure on my biceps to relax a little, I sensed an arm hooking mine. Hange.
“Excuse me, Miss, where are you going? The food is in the opposite direction.” she said, softly smiling.
“I don’t really feel like eating right now…” I tried to evade her look.
“Are you unwell? I didn’t see you at breakfast, nor at lunch… Is everything okay? I mean, I know the expedition was rough and all-” she started to say, increasing the speed of her voice.
“No, no.” I interrupted her. “Don’t worry Hange, It’s just that I’m not hungry.”
“But you have to eat something. What about soup? It will warm you up a little if you’re not feeling well.” she suggested.
I sighed noisily, then just nodded. There was no way I could escape her. Hange always had her ways to convince people.
Luckily for me, there was still no sign of Levi when we entered the room. In the cafeteria, the air was tense and everyone was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. The few who were chatting kept their voices low, the others were just staring somewhere on the floor or the table as they silently ate.
Hange and I took place with her fellows. It was so strange to not see Petra, Eld, Gunther and Oruo around. Even though I didn’t know all the soldiers I could feel those who were missing. I could feel an unbearable void.
And of course when I thought I was safe, suddenly Levi arrived. His unfazed facade was back on and he was still visibly limping.
I wonder if he changed his gauze this morning… Daphne, no. Don’t even try the nurse card now. Please, try to be professional.
As usual, he took his seat right in front of me, didn’t greet anyone, didn’t say a single word. Didn’t look at me. Not even once. Better, much better than that death look from earlier. Do not look at me. Do not talk to me.
“Finally! Levi, I didn’t see you at breakfast and lunch either. Where were you all?” Hange told him.
“Either who?” he calmly asked.
“Well, not even Daphne showed up. I’m just glad we are all here now. Together.” she sadly sighed.
I sensed Levi’s head tilting in my direction, but his eyes were still somewhere else. He probably had figured we were both trying to avoid each other. Or maybe I was the one making assumptions. Maybe it was just a coincidence.
“So, how are your legs?" Hange continued.
“Yes, Captain, how are your legs?” I imitated her with an unbothered tone, eyes fixed on my spoon as I raised it to take a sip.
“That should be my line.” said Levi.
I almost choked at his words, coughing and blushing visibly. This fucking asshole. So is this the game we’re playing now?
Hange immediately turned toward me, rubbing my back and asking me anxiously: “Did something happen to your legs too? Are you hurt? I knew something was wrong with you..."
I clicked my tongue and glanced at Levi, trying to show him all the anger pooling in my eyes. Then I replied nonchalantly: “Nothing serious. I'm good, Hange.”
I exhaled soundly, prey to that sudden frustration his words caused me, and decided to stand up from my chair.
“Sorry, I think I lost my appetite.” I added before I rushed out of the room. I don't have time for this bullshit.
Running off, I suddenly bumped into something. Something so hard I thought I was about to fall backward. Providentially two strong hands grabbed me by the shoulders before anything happened and I finally realized that hard wall was actually someone.
Ouch.
“Cadet, are you okay?” I heard someone saying.
I squinted my eyes, blinking as I tried to regain my composure. When I finally realized who was now in front of me, I just mumbled: “C-Commander, sorry, I wasn’t paying attention-”
“Don’t worry. Are you okay?” Erwin asked me again.
“I hope so...” I murmured in pain, rubbing my forehead. What is this man made of?? Bricks??
“Well, since you’re here, would you walk with me? I was kinda looking for you. Can you walk?” he calmly said.
What is it with everyone and my legs today? Wait, what?? He was looking… for me?
“Ehm, sure… I can walk.” I replied.
He nodded and beckoned me to join him as we started to walk along the hallway.
“So, how are you doing? Bump aside...” he asked with a soft voice.
“Vertical and breathing.” Daphne. Please, Daphne. Do not try to be sarcastic with your superior, for fuck’s sake.
“I-I mean, better than nothing. I’d live.” I corrected myself, not doing any better. When I side-eyed him I caught him lightly chuckling. Ok, that’s weird.
“Alright. I was informed about your contribution during the expedition. You did well.” he declared.
“I-I just… I just did what I had to do, sir.” Gosh, I sound like Levi.
“I’m glad to hear that.” added Erwin.
“I think now I get it… I-I get why you are fighting, what you are fighting for.” I don’t know why I told my biggest enemy that thing, but… I kind of needed to get it out of my chest.
He glanced at me, letting a small grin appear on his face, and then stopped in front of a massive door. Towering me with his height, the commander asked me: “Would you follow me inside my office? I’d like to continue this conversation in private. Just the two of us.”
Fuck. What have I just gotten myself into?
I nodded and shyly stepped inside the room behind him. At a first glance, his office was way bigger than Levi's. Every piece of furniture was made of dark solid wood. A big desk was right in the center, paired with his personal chair and two smaller ones on the opposite side, maybe for his occasional guests. On the right side of the room, there was a little green couch, some other shelves, a couple of paintings and maps hanging on the wall, and a door just ajar. His bedroom, probably. On the left, a huge library. I took a rapid glance at how every single book was perfectly aligned and ordered on each level. I was secretly trying to guess which of those concealed the poem Levi had told me the night before, imagining him browsing and picking up some books from there. But I was suddenly brought back to reality by Erwin’s voice when I heard him asking me:
“And tell me, how is it going with your comrades?”
As soon as he sat down at his desk I couldn't help but notice how solemn and handsome Erwin looked. His cheekbones were now illuminated by a little oil lamp beside him, his posture was regal, and his shoulders perfectly matched the two huge windows behind him. If possible, I was suddenly way more nervous than before.
“Oh, ehm… O-Okay, I think.” I stuttered.
“Have you noticed something strange with them?”
“No, sir. Not before what happened yesterday… When the spy came out and-”
He stopped my confused babbling only raising his palm and then asked: “And with your superiors? How is it going?”
“Ehm… I-I got the chance to interact with just a few of them… But, well, Hange has been very kind to me since the very beginning. She’s a great leader. She-” I started to say.
“What about your captain, Captain Levi?” he interrupted me again.
“What do you mean?” Here we go. Fuck. Here we go.
“You know he’s surveilling you on my account, right?” Erwin added.
He has been surveilling pretty closely, sir. That’s the problem.
“I’m well aware of that, sir.”
“And how is it going?” he questioned me.
It sucks because I think I like him, but I screwed up everything and now he hates me, but I don’t care because I’m not here for him, but actually I do care, like a lot, and now I don’t know what to do.
All I could say was: “Ehm, we had our ups and downs, but… Levi is a great captain. I respect him a lot.”
Even though it doesn’t seem like I do, considering that I left without a word after we fucked all night. But besides that, yes, I respect him a lot.
“Excellent. Excellent… Well, what I wanted to tell you was that I’ve been thinking about your situation recently… I thought deeply about it. All things considered, you behaved all this time. Except for that little accident…” he said lifting his gaze from his knuckles as he rested his elbows over his desk.
The Underground, I thought. I swallowed thickly.
“But you are also very disciplined, neat, always on time. You demonstrate to be skilled and smart. Or at least that’s what Levi has always claimed.”
I wonder if they talked about me even today. I wonder if he still thinks about me this way as a soldier even if he hates me…
“You contributed to the expedition and even survived the female titan.” the commander continued.
Geez, I’d like to know where he’s getting at with this conversation.
“So, I want to inform you that I’m willing to go a little easy on you. To loosen my grip.”
My eyes widened at the sound of his words.
“Just a little.” he added, gesturing a little space between his index and thumb, almost sarcastically.
My face fell after a second. He doesn’t think I’m that dumb, does he?
“I sense a but coming, Commander.”
“Buuuut. But. On one condition. I think Levi needs some rest and we still haven’t talked about his plans for you and Yeager given that his squad doesn’t exist anymore… However, we have to act as quickly as possible right now, and find the spy.” said Erwin.
I nodded to make sure he knew I was listening carefully.
“Since you were one of the few people to survive the female titan, your help is crucial right now. Therefore, I’ll personally ask you to do things for me, like cooperate with my subordinates and-”
“Yes. Yes, absolutely.” I hurried to say. Calm down, you stupid. “Ehm, I mean, sure. I’ll do it. Tell me what I have to do and I’ll do it.”
“Good. Good.”
He made a little pause, standing up from his desk. Then, walking toward me, he spoke again: “You’ll run some errands for me, bring me things, reports or papers from time to time, so just know that this office’s doors are always open for you.”
Should I be afraid of all this sudden kindness from the Commander? Or does he just need a lot of help?
I nodded again, then added: “Thanks, Commander.”
His shoulders relaxed and his eyes traveled down my body, examining my figure from head to toe.
“I saw you staring at the library earlier. Do you like reading?” he asked, moving his gaze toward the bookshelf.
“Honestly, I’ve never read a book, sir. I know how to read and write, but the only things I’ve ever read were...” Shit, how do I put this… “My… My former employer’s documents and letters. Pretty boring stuff.”
“I see.” He eyed me again, intertwining his hands behind his back, taking quite an authoritarian posture. “Well, feel free to take as many as you want from my library. Just remember to put them back afterward.”
“Really? I mean, I-” I blubbered, moving my hands anxiously. Can you not embarrass yourself for once, Daphne?
“Take one now.” he ordered me.
I gulped. “Ehm, okay.”
“I’ll take my leave now. I have a meeting with Hange. I suggest you find Wim and my other subordinates tomorrow morning. They’ll give you instructions about our research.”
I only nodded, following him with my eyes as he walked toward the door. But before he exited the room I spoke again: “Commander… Thank you again for your trust.”
If I behave and act accordingly, Erwin may even become my pass out of here. How the tables have turned...
He slightly rotated his head over his shoulder, softly smiled at me, and then just left without a word.
When the door closed, I started to walk back and forth in front of the library for a while, wondering which one to choose. Half of them were war-related books, from the theoretical ones to actual novels, and even poems collections. A little part of me was still looking for that particular one, the one Levi was talking about the night before, but I knew that was the one I should definitely have to avoid. There were so many I didn’t know which one to pick.
Take a short one, just to see if you like reading stories or not. Just pick one and leave, for fuck’s sake.
At some point, I noticed a little book with a pretty fancy cover, it looked like it was a part of a bigger collection of fictions. That’s it. I’ll start with this one.
As I walked to my bedroom I realized how late it was getting, the sky was darker than before and I thought maybe going to sleep earlier wasn’t a bad idea. I had hours of sleep to recover. But once in my room I figured that was easier said than done. Of course, all I could do was think about Levi, that night we spent together, and how twenty-four hours could make such a difference.
That book I took from Erwin’s shelf was a blessing. It helped me to distract myself, even though, from time to time, Levi’s face appeared between the lines. Whenever I brought my digit to my mouth to wet it or just touched the page to turn it I believed I could still feel his skin and the thought alone made me go insane. However, the story was so fascinating I read it all in one breath until I fell asleep still holding it in my hands. Without it, I would have probably stayed up all night thinking about him.
And then another day came, another day of Levi totally ignoring me. And then another one. And another one. Almost an entire week passed and his eyes were still injected with hate and other things I couldn’t figure out yet.
Luckily, the days after the expeditions were - to use a euphemism - busy. I went back and forth from Erwin’s office to update him about our research and progress, bringing him papers, letters, and whatever he needed. Even coffee or tea sometimes.
It came out that Armin had a theory about the spy, a really good one, and the commander decided to trust his intuition. From that moment the kid cooperated with us to see if that was the right path to follow.
I hardly ever happened to be at HQ, yet every time I set my foot there, it always seemed as if fate wanted me to accidentally meet Levi. It happened that I saw him even just walking by, for a few seconds or that we both ended up being in the same room, for several minutes or hours, even just a meter away from one another. His lips were always stitched and the few times they parted it was only to weave a few, cold, and terrible words against me. His eyes ignored me, like I was not in his line of sight, and whenever they found me, even from a distance, it was just to throw me deadly glances. Ignoring me was so deafening that I almost had the impression that all his attention was upon me.
So is this how it will go from now on?
[ AN: Guys, just to clarify, Daphne’s/your nausea is caused by the whole situation, she’s/you’re not pregnant, just stressed. Also, I know I shouldn’t be here explaining the story, but I hope no one is hating on Daphne right now. Poor girl, she is so scared of her feelings since she never felt like this and also feels like she betrayed her sisters (and herself somehow). However, stick around because the next chapters are going to be pretty animated. How do you think Levi is doing right now? I’m genuinely curious. Hope you’re all doing well and enjoying the story so far. See you next time! ]
“I think they’re gone. We have to head back now…” Levi suddenly said.
Our bodies were still glued one to the other, so close that their borders were blurred, so close that I could no longer tell where one started and the other ended. Our foreheads connected and our breaths, still unsteady, mingled in the small space they were granted between us.
As soon as I heard him say those words, I felt like landing from an unknown planet, regaining possession of my body and almost being able to sense again every inch of my skin, and Levi’s against mine.
"I think they’re gone. We have to head back now…” I repeated those words again, in my head, trying to isolate them one by one and assimilate them. And yet they were inconsistent, they made no sense at all.
I believed I could read them again, written all over my face, which was reflected in Levi’s eyes, right there in front of mine. Everything around me regained its weight, its smell and its sound: the racket of the people a few streets away, the pungent smell of the Underground, that kiss just to distract our chasers and the body of Ruth thrown into the trash.
Again, I felt my heart running wildly in my chest and furiously slamming against my ribcage, the sound of my thoughts going crazy on both sides of my head and breaking against its walls, my legs getting weaker.
Levi seemed to notice it and he told me, grabbing me by the shoulders "Hold on to me, I’ll bring you back up". I barely protested with my head, but at that moment it seemed impossible for me to do anything else.
I hated being so weak sometimes. I hated always being at the mercy of my emotions. At that moment I actually hated everything and I felt like I was going completely insane.
"Come on," said Levi, then he looked around, he wrapped me around my waist and activated the three-dimensional maneuvering device with his other hand. I held on to him, closed my eyes and let him do whatever he wanted.
I couldn’t stop formulating rambling thoughts and a strong sense of frustration seeped through my skin, down to my bones. If I’d opened my eyes at that moment, I wouldn’t have been able to stop the tears.
As soon as we reached the manhole and the ground, I escaped from Levi’s grip, pushing him away. I felt like I was close to losing control of myself.
I began to walk in the darkness of that old abandoned canal, looking for the trapdoor and, inadvertently, I opened my eyes. A warm flow of tears completely wet my face, I felt like overflowing and I could no longer tell if I was blinded from the darkness or pain.
"Daphne, wait..." tried to call me Levi and as soon as his hand touched my arm to stop me, I dodged it with unexpected violence. I could hear his footsteps right behind me and his voice slowly trying to call my name again.
I struggled in the dark, trembling and holding my chest tightly with my hands to block a strong urge to burst, until I realized I was under the trapdoor. I stopped, undecided about what to do: it was too high to reach. Suddenly I felt again Levi behind me, who forcefully blocked both my shoulders. He didn’t say anything, he just squeezed me tight and reactivated the device.
When we arrived in the basement, I moved immediately away from him again. I plodded along, despite a little light had returned and I could finally see again. My legs didn’t seem to cooperate, and even keeping my eyes open had become torture.
Levi’s steps religiously followed mine up the stairs: at that moment his figure behind me felt like something suffocating yet reassuring.
I could not fully realize what surrounded me, I kept walking on the memories of someone else, probably a soldier of the Scouts who I must have been once, a few hours before, someone who knew those corridors and where her room was.
But one thing was sure, I wasn’t alone. Levi was walking a few steps away from me like he didn’t want me to intrude on that pitiful funeral march. On the other hand, around us there was an endless and messy row of curious cadets, intent on discovering what had happened. It felt like a deja-vu. Nevertheless, I proceeded, like I was sent to the gallows.
Their eyes focused on me had no weight, as if they couldn’t reach me and a bubble protected me from their every whisper or look.
Without even realizing it, I was already in front of my room. When I crawled just a few centimeters from the entrance, I felt again Levi’s body dangerously close to mine.
Both his fists moved forward and stopped on the doorjambs. Then his face leaned close to my ear and so Levi said, almost whispering: "Please, Dafne, say something".
Unable to spell a word and still trembling, I gripped the handle of my door.
"Say something, anything" he continued.
"No..." I whispered so softly that I couldn’t even hear myself.
"Daphne, I know you’re in shock but..." he tried to say grabbing me by the shoulder to make me turn around.
Helpless, I let him play with me as if I were a puppet and as soon as our eyes met his expression instantly changed. My face completely marked by tears must have somehow struck him to the point where he wasn’t even able to finish his sentence. He swallowed soundly and kept staring at me.
I felt my eyelids heavy and my face sore. I faintly opened my jaw and after a couple of attempts I managed to stutter: "Alone... I want to be alone"
"No, Daphne, listen," he tried to say.
"Leave me. Alone." As I articulated those three simple words, I felt my throat burning and its walls cracking trying to let out that feeble thread of voice. At that point, I couldn’t hold back any more tears.
I quickly opened the door and then slammed it. I left Levi out and as I let myself fall to the ground with my shoulders glued to the wall, I pictured his reaction.
There was nothing more to hide, it was just me in that room, which at that point seemed really someone else’s, a stranger, a good soldier, definitely not me. I had left my sisters in those monsters’ hands, with that flimsy promise to come back, to come back and save them.
Who am I kidding? I had no plan and any attempt was constantly boycotted by something or someone, by Marta, by the master, by the aristocrats, by money, from time, from fate, from that stupid fate written in someone's name. Supposedly my destiny was not to turn into a fucking tree, but to continue to flee aimlessly, chased by something, that was breathing down my neck.
There, on the ground, with my head in my hands, I let myself go to an uncontrolled, desperate and humid cry. I felt my back arch unnaturally at every hiccup and the tears dropped down on my clothes, on the carpet, everywhere.
I tried to calm down thinking rationally about what to do next: going back to the Underground now would be suicide, I didn’t know what was happening. On the other hand, staying still seemed to be equally impossible. Every good plan, every little thought was promptly overshadowed by that image that would have never stopped haunting me. Ruth’s dead body and the memory of her loud laughter, of her abrupt manners, of her quick comebacks, the memory of her alive. Those images seemed to not match that horrid show I had saw down there. And yet I was sure that was her.
Ruth was around the same age as my sister Abigail and growing up they became quite inseparable, despite their differences. Ruth had always had a bad temper and Abigail’s candor often hurt her to the point of inadvertently pissing her off. But Abigail had always been far too lenient and good, and she always managed to be immediately forgiven.
Ruth was sly, stubborn, one would say far too unreasonable sometimes, but she would have fought tooth and nail because of something she firmly believed in. She had even managed to fool Marta and gain some advantages, like working in the betting rooms rather than always work as a prostitute.
She had an eye for cards and bets and was extremely good at putting in place any rude customer, despite her small figure.
My chest squeezed at the thought of what might have happened to her. Knowing her pretty well, she could very well have asked for it... but how to justify those pustules all over her body? What if it was the master? What if other girls ended up in the same condition as her? What if there’s a plague going on?
I felt overwhelmed by all those thoughts and just mentioning the others, Nina’s face immediately appeared in front of my eyes, still flooded with tears. Nina...how is she doing...I thought.
Ruth was a loose cannon who was hiding a secret, that one day would have surely cost her her life. Her clandestine and unclear relationship with Nina had always been well hidden mainly by the discretion and mysteriousness of Nina, much older and smarter than Ruth.
I always thought that Nina was one of the most fascinating, charming and sharp women I’ve ever met, and I always wondered how someone like her still couldn’t escape from there, and first of all how she even ended up in that rathole. Her only religion was money and what they could give her. In that world and within those walls very little actually, but that tiny feeling of power gave her an overwhelming and indescribable pleasure. And yet, her only love was Ruth and her big amber eyes.
It killed me that I couldn’t know what was going on and that I couldn’t do anything at all, so my anger suddenly seemed to reinvigorate my legs. I made my way into the room and everything that had accidentally found itself in my path was thrown away or completely disintegrated.
The tears kept marking my face, while every throw, every punch didn’t seem to make a big difference. The anger kept boiling inside me and at that point I had shouted so much that I had no more air in my lungs.
Once I was drained, I let myself fall to the ground again, in the middle of the room and so I decided to lie there, on the floor, surrounded by sheets, pieces of wood and broken shards.
A little wind suddenly seemed to warm my cheeks and I could not hold my hand from touching my lips. As soon as my fingers felt that flap of skin, I impulsively retracted them, as if it were not mine anymore, as it belonged to someone else. Levi.
There was another unfinished business: that kiss and his, and my unexpected reaction.
While I was trying to slow my heart rate, other memories of that moment suddenly resurfaced. It was definitely more than a moment and perhaps it was more than a plan. More than a kiss. At least for me.
From the first time I saw Captain Levi and felt his piercing eyes on me, I was completely mesmerized. Inexplicably, I had to admit it.
Growing up I had always rejected attraction in all its forms, as an evil illness that would lead to further weaknesses, such as love and a possible relationship. My spasmodic obsession with Abigail and my sisters already made me constantly insane, let alone let someone else enter that precarious balance of feelings. Luckily, no one had ever caught my attention, much less had I ever allowed a man to sneak into my head and enslave me to my futile and surely evanescent feelings.
I had learned with time to distinguish my work from personal pleasure, which I could get only from myself or from a client trying to isolate myself from that trivial form of entertainment. I had never judged my clients, I knew perfectly what they wanted and what they were desperately looking for, but for me that was just mere role-playing, that I put up to live and hope not to get killed by the master or by Marta in a tantrum.
I had trained my body and mind to navigate parallel tracks, my heart and my brain to never communicate. Yet Captain Levi seemed to have created a short circuit.
It was not his undoubtedly magnetic appearance that struck me, but his aura. Levi could walk and everyone around him would hopelessly be inclined to show him reverence, to show him respect and to comply with every order, despite his cold and unreadable ways, often severe and almost intolerable. He must have earned that kind of devotion, he must have been a good captain and this idea had often been clear to me, in his attentions and his words. I had this feeling that Levi wasn’t that impassive character he was playing. His speeches had always been full of wisdom, heartfelt and honest.
Those were the words of a soldier who must have been through a lot. When I found out he came from the underground too, I was even more intrigued and that mystery became more and more fascinating. And I was worried about myself it could have become far too tempting.
I found myself too often fantasizing unexpectedly, even if for a short time, about him. What’s wrong with me?
None of those feeble dreams could, however, compare with what I had experienced on my skin a few minutes before. Levi had once again shown this unpredictable mixture of warmth and impulsiveness, softness and lust. And I couldn’t shake that feeling off of me, which seemed to completely pervade me again, while I was still on the ground, unable to do anything else.
He had slipped so deeply under my skin that he completely clouded the memories of Ruth and my past. Even that kiss, however, had the bitter aftertaste of loving forbidden things and I immediately thought it would be better to forget about it as soon as possible. I had already enough on my plate.
It was just part of the plan, we managed to convince those two goons that we were just a couple of lovers looking for a quiet place."Play along," he said, "Play along," and so I did.
That kiss meant nothing and should have meant nothing more than that.
LEVI’S POV
I clenched my teeth when the door closed in front of me. There wasn’t much else I could do at that point, and for a while I stood there, slightly leaning forward, while I tried to call her name again.
I kept telling myself that I shouldn’t have kissed her at a time like that and especially without her full consent. I thought it was the easiest thing to do and now I felt helpless at the possibility of having once again faded that dream of peace between us.
If on one hand I couldn’t go back on my steps, on the other I couldn’t stop thinking about that kiss and that intoxicating taste that I couldn’t wash out of my mouth, and the memory of her soft skin under my fingers and that eager desire of her, more of her.
"Captain Levi" I suddenly heard coming from behind me.
Erwin had just shown up and his unmistakable voice kept calling me at least a couple more times. Then I finally turned to him.
"Could you tell me what’s going on?" he asked, "What’s happening inside Daphne’s room? What the hell is going on?"
Indistinguishable noises began to follow one another: thuds, shouts and something that sounded like a glass breaking on the ground. I was just about to open the door and break into her room, but I decided to grab Erwin by the arm and I dragged him to my room.
"Levi?" He once again asked me, "What happened to you two? Do you think this is the right time to leave?"
"We were in the Underground," I said without a second thought.
"Are you kidding me? The Underground? With our devices? While we were ransacking the whole castle for-..." then Erwin’s expression suddenly changed and he added, "Oh... now I get it"
"No, Erwin, it’s not what you think," I told him promptly.
"Levi, you know, I have complete faith in your decisions, so just know that whatever you choose to say to me now, I’m gonna take it as read. But don’t abuse my blind respect for you. Now tell me the truth."
"I’m sure it wasn’t Daphne who killed the titants."
"All right. I believe you. Now, what about the devices?"
"She took her device..." I instinctively replied.
"I see... and what did you go to the Underground for? Was she trying to escape?"
"Erwin, I’m sorry, but I can’t answer that."
His jaw tightened and we stared for a while. I didn’t regret any of my answers and I would never tell a soul what Daphne confided in me or what I saw down there with her.
"All right..." he sighed "Before I leave though" spoke again Erwin "I’d like to remind you that the 57th expedition is pretty close, Levi. I want you to stay focused. Don’t lose sight of the target. And get that girl in line, I want her to fight in the front row, by our side. Okay?"
I nodded in response. Erwin was absolutely right, that was not the time to get distracted...
"Well, then I’ll see you in the cafeteria for dinner..." and so he left.
Under the lukewarm flow of water, I couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened.
One day a mysterious girl from the Underground literally catapulted into my life and brought with her a series of questions that I persisted in not wanting to answer.
I thought of the Underground as part of a past that I would never have access to again. I was not ashamed of my life before the Scouts. That was just what I had been arranged with and my present was what I had managed to do with that. Our mission against the titants had given me a new purpose in life, a noble cause to which I had dedicated body and soul, without any regret.
And yet since that night, I’ve been forced to dig up something latent, my past and the Underground, and with that girl also something that I’ve probably never experienced in my life.
Moreover, having seen that horrifying scene with her down there had upset me so much: I felt Daphne’s pain and her guilt of not having been able to save that girl and all those who still perished in that hovel. Which they still dared to call "Underground Capital". If they called it a catacomb, it would have sounded less ridiculous.
I felt the desperate and childish wish to help her and I thought that maybe showing her the true meaning of our mission could have helped her as much as it had helped me. A small hope was still burning somewhere in my bowels: if we had destroyed the titants, we would have saved everyone, even the Underground.
After I’d cleared myself of all the filth that kept sticking to me, I was on my way to the ground floor. As I left my room, the idea of knocking on Dafne’s door had occurred to me. I needed to know how she was doing, I needed to talk to her.
First, I tried to knock timidly, with a slight knock, but nothing. Then another one, but stronger. I thought about opening the door anyway, but something told me to let her go, maybe I’d meet her in the cafeteria. Leave me. Leave me alone she said. Her broken voice, her completely lost expression, stuck in my head as I proceeded in the opposite direction to her room.
When I got down, I realized that she had not come down yet and as time passed, I realized that she would never come.
It seemed that my presence in the cafeteria had attracted more attention than usual, but I tried not to care too much about it, in the end, nobody dared to ask me anything and I remained in my usual silence.
Before going back to the room, I decided to prepare a plate with something to eat for Daphne and just as I was leaving the room, Hange appeared in front of me.
"Midnight snack?" she asked, blocking my way with one arm.
"No," I answered annoyed. With one hand I twisted her arm to make it lower and I walked past her.
"Levi, wait," she then said.
"If you wanna know, no, it wasn’t Dafne who killed your beloved giants and-"
"I already knew it. I never thought it was her..." As I heard those words, I turned around.
"I just wanted to know what happened to her, I saw her before walking in the hallway, I tried to call her, but... it didn’t even look like her..."
Hange seemed genuinely concerned about Daphne and I didn’t know what to say.
"It’s for her, isn’t it?" she said, pointing at the plate I was holding.
"Yeah, I don’t think she had dinner," I said.
"All right..." sighed Hange "I hope to meet her tomorrow..." she smiled at me, and I answered with a brief nod, and then I started to walk away.
Once arrived in front of her room, I tried to knock again. I tried one more time, but nothing.
So, I decided to put the plate on the ground:" Please, Dafne, don’t make me break down the door. Just open it," I said caught in a wave of sudden and brief anger. No, that’s not good.
I sighed deeply, waited a bit and then spoke again: "Listen, I didn’t see you in the cafeteria... So, I brought you a plate with something to eat. I leave it here... Although I don’t know if you are hungry or not-"
Something stopped me, so I took a second deep breath and then "Actually, I don’t know anything, I don’t know what’s going on" How are you? What was that chaos before? Did you hurt yourself? Are you okay? I actually wanted to tell her "Daphne, answer me" I could only say. Fuck, answer me. But still nothing.
"Say something... Please don’t make me open the door" I just want to see how are you doing. Fuck, answer me
"I need to talk to you," I said, as I kept talking to the door, "I’m sorry about what happened. I’m sorry about what you had to see. And I’m sorry for acting on instinct. I’m not one to apologize, I’m not one to have regrets, but I shouldn’t have..." I stopped for a second "kiss you without your consent, Daphne, I-". Unintentionally I grabbed her door handle and opened it. I wanted to see her, I wanted to talk to her and I was talking too much for my liking. No, I can’t just invade her space like this. What the fuck am I doing? And with the same speed, I immediately closed the door. I shouldn’t have done that.
"All right... Then I’ll leave the plate here"
I didn’t know how much she had listened or if she had listened at all as I had hardly tried to tell her something logical. But all of a sudden, I felt two intense knocks on the door and then another, more delicate.
What the fuck does this mean? Thank you, Levi? But why should you thank me? Ah, for dinner maybe... Or did she wanted to say "Go away, Levi"? Did I picture those knocks? I had no idea what it meant, but I just needed to make sure that she was still alive behind that door and that was enough.
I put one hand on the door and then I said one last time, "I’m sorry, Daphne. Good night."
Songs: "Broken" by Lund, "Baby You're Worth It" by Kina, "Lost On You" by Lewis Capaldi
DAPHNE'S POV
"I'm sorry Daphne, I really can't do this". While I was trying to avoid Levi, I kept repeating his words in my head, thousands, and thousands of times again. Neither I could do such a thing. I already knew that one of us would get hurt. And I perfectly knew that would be me.
I already knew I couldn't let myself go with anyone else again after what happened with Alec. I knew exactly how it would have ended.
At the thought of those horrible memories, I immediately felt more confident in my decision.
While I was in the kitchen making some chamomile, I felt that unmistakable, haunting presence behind my back. Accidentally, I had prepared too much water, therefore, as a sign of peace, I thought to leave an extra cup for Levi. Before he could tell me something, I left, hoping that he wouldn't say anything too.
One word from him would have been enough and that wall I had built between us would have collapsed in a second. And still, I could not understand how he had managed to do it. How he had gotten under my skin.
I needed to keep in mind that nothing more would have been between us. I'm just a cadet. He's the captain.
And above all, soon one of us two could have even died. Right? Even died... But Icouldn't allow myself to die yet.
I tried not to dwell on it too much, even if I could already feel a huge weight, like a boulder, shaping on my chest. I went back to the room where Eren and the others were waiting for me. As soon as I took my seat between Ymir and Reiner, I witnessed an animated conversation between Jean, Eren, and Mikasa that made my skin crawl.
"Until a few days ago, you didn't even know this dark reality of yours. And as if that wasn't enough, you're not even able to control yourself..." hinted Jean. "That's true..." Eren replied, keeping his eyes low.
"Well, then our lives and those of mankind depend on Eren. It means that we all risk getting killed without him even realizing it" continued Jean. But soon Mikasa rebutted: "Jean. That's enough. Do you mind explaining to me what is the point of treating Eren this way?".
Without looking back at her, he spoke again: "Hear me out, Mikasa. Not everyone around here is as ready as you are to die for someone just in the name of friendship, you know? We must know what we are called to risk our own lives for. Otherwise, at the crucial moment, we may even hesitate. I must ask him for guarantees. And realize that the risk is worth our life". Then turning to Eren and holding him vigorously by his shoulders he cried out to him: "Listen, Eren, I will fight for you too! Don't disappoint me!"
I don't know what my brain told me at that specific moment, but I instinctively stood up. That boulder on my chest had become unbearable and I had to run away from there as soon as possible. I was going insane. My heart seemed to be running out of my chest, and I only knew one place I wanted to be.
LEVI'S POV
I lingered in the kitchen staring at that cup for I don't know how long. I held the tissue in my hands, turning it and turning it a couple of times more. Then I slipped it into a pocket inside my jacket and brought my attention back to the mug.
There I could read some sort of armistice between us, both unaware of what would have might happen the next day. I could read the sum of the last days since Daphne had arrived here, as parts of that carousel on which we kept chasing each other, without ever reaching or catching each other, but without ever losing sight of one another.
I held the cup in my hands, took a couple of sips, and again that calming and warm taste under my tongue suggested to me I had already savored it somewhere else. Daphne. Daphne had that taste. As soon as it became clearer to me, my legs pushed me to go find her, even if just to say her goodbye, perhaps even for the last time.
Running down the main hallway, I heard a murmur coming from one of the salons, therefore I entered there. I figured that if I found those brats, Daphne would have probably been there with them. As soon as I entered the room, they all turned to look at me. I inspected them one by one, but Daphne was nowhere to be found.
"Captain" they all greeted me in chorus. "Daphne," I said, without even articulating a precise question. "Captain, she just left, sir," Historia immediately told me. Without a word, I left by slamming the door behind me and proceeding to her room.
When I arrived there, I didn't think about it twice and I immediately opened the door. I called her name, but nobody seemed to be there. I walked around in circles a couple of times, and then something in my head told me that I actually knew exactly where she was. Tch, what am I supposed to do with you...
As soon as I arrived on the roof, I found her, crouched in a corner, with her head in her hands. "Daphne?" I whispered. She faintly raised her head, that little much to allow her reddish eyes to peep out. There I could no longer hold myself back and I got closer to her.
Lowering myself in front of her, I said, almost whispering: "What's going on?". She began to shake her head and then stuttered, looking straight into my eyes: "L-Levi... I cannot die". Those words in my head sounded like she had just told me, "Levi, I can't allow myself to die".
Daphne was not afraid to die: she could not die. And I could not promise her that it could have not happened.
I took her hands in mine trying to calm her down, but she kept wheezing uncontrollably and her body trembled relentlessly. Then, staring somewhere between our hands, she mumbled again: "I can't... I can't... I can't breathe". As soon as I remembered a few nights before, in the courtyard with her and Lauda, I immediately knew what I had to do.
I decided to give up my obsessions for a moment and sat on that disgusting roof floor next to her. Catching a tear running down her face with my thumb, I told her: "Hey, listen to me, okay? Follow my voice and try to breathe a little". She slightly turned her eyes and trying to hold back more tears, she faintly nodded.
With one hand I made her lower her legs from that strange posture she had been until shortly before, saying "Relax and look up". Above us the sky that night seemed to have flaunted all the stars of its firmament. The moon was full and its gleam seemed to light everything all around as if it were already morning.
I leaned against the wall behind us, imitating her position and staring at that night sky. Then I told her, stroking the back of her hand: "Breathe in... 3,2,1... Breathe out". She obediently followed my orders, but glancing at her, I noticed that her face was tensed and her eyelids tightly closed.
I told her what to do a couple of times again and then, at some point, I got closer, sitting beside her but now facing her. With one hand I grabbed her face, turning it towards me "Oi. Look at me" I ordered her as she continued to exhale. As soon as she opened her eyes, I said, "You're doing well, Daphne".
At the sound of my voice, her expression loosened up a bit, but her eyes continued to travel impatiently between mine, looking for something to say. And as she tried to regain control of her breath, she secretly reached my hand, which was still caressing her cheek.
At a certain point, she seemed not to bear any longer that constant staring between us and so she rested her head in a spot on my chest, almost close to my shoulder. Having her so close to me allowed me to feel even more the restlessness that her body emanated. I slipped my hand down her back, rubbing delicate patterns along her spine. Then I decided to give her my jacket, placing it on her shoulders.
I hated how much I secretly enjoyed letting her and only her getting so close to me.
Running my fingers through her hair, I asked her: "Better?". With her face hidden, she moved her head still leaning on me, nodding as if to say yes. "Then? Mind telling me what the fuck happened?". She suddenly raised her head. Then looking away, she said: "It's nothing..."
"Yeah, sure". She slightly snorted, then looked at me, undecided on what to exactly tell me: "It's just that heard the others talking about tomorrow's expedition... They all seem so ready to sacrifice themselves in the blink of an eye, instead I...". She paused as if she did not want to tell me the whole truth. I noticed that her body was still shaking. "... I can't".
Then she looked me straight in the eyes: "What it's going to happen, Levi?". I had absolutely no fucking clue about what to say next. "Levi, I cannot die. Not yet. Not before I have saved them...". I'm sorry, Daphne, I can't promise you anything. And don't ask me to lie to you about it now, because this may be the last time I even see you.
"I'm sorry, Daphne, I can't promise you anything..." I said now out loud "Nor I can go to Erwin and ask him to let you stay here or free you. He would never agree" I continued, but she immediately interrupted me: "I never asked you for something like that".
"I know. Just, let me finish," I said, grabbing her face and bringing her attention back to me: "Listen, if anyone can make it alive tomorrow, that's you. The others may have something to fight for or even die for. But you, you have something to live for. To survive for. Keep this in mind tomorrow." At the sound of my words, her eyes opened wide, in wonder.
For a moment we stayed like that as if suspended, between my words and her big, watery eyes.
I took a lock of hair from her face and then placing it behind her ear, I said: "And if something goes wrong, I'll do anything I can to come and get you". "Levi, don't even say it... I know the mission comes first, so..." she started, but I immediately interrupted her: "Of course. The mission comes first. I said if anything goes wrong. So, don't let it go wrong, okay? Are you in, cadet?"
Finally, the tension on her face faded and she managed to give me a half-smile, saying "Yes, captain". "Well, and now..." I started to say standing up from the ground. Before she could protest, I tucked one hand under her knees and made the other one slip behind her back. Therefore, I lifted her, holding her to me.
She clung to my jacket around her, looking at me completely shocked, and then said, "L-Levi, what are you doing??". "It's time to go to sleep. I already told you that you cannot stay up here any time you want. Now, shut up and hold on to me". After giving me a dirty look, she quietly obeyed. She held on to me, wrapping her arms around my neck and resting her head on my shoulder. Good girl.
On our way down the hallways, she didn't protest. Rather, I could sense her quietly spying on me. But I kept going straight, without saying a word or thinking about it too much.
When we arrived in front of her room, I let her get off of me. I watched her put her feet on the ground: she still could not stand upright properly. I tried to open my mouth, but her quick move caught me off guard: she had grabbed the sleeve of my shirt. Maybe she just wanted to thank me.
"Do you want me to stay a little longer?" I asked her. A brief nod from her was enough, so I went into the room after her.
"I'll run a hot bath for you. In the meantime, don't sit on the bed in those clothes after been sitting on that filthy floor" I ordered her, and immediately she rolled her eyes but didn't bark anything back. When I got back into the room, I noticed she had prepared some clothes for me too and handing them to me she said, "It's a man's pajamas. It should fit you. It was already in the closet when I got here...".
I thought it was of Tom's, the former team leader who used to sleep there. I don't think I should take it. I shouldn't stay here any longer... Even if I want to... Maybe I should... But before I could say something, she had already entered the bathroom. Therefore, without overthinking it too much, I started to change my clothes.
As I was about to put the tunic on, Daphne came out of the bathroom, saying: "Listen, Levi..." but she stopped. I watched her as she stood there, on the threshold, staring at me with her mouth slightly open, and at that point, between me and another bad decision stood only that little white towel wrapped around her body.
All of a sudden, she started getting dangerously close to me. "Oi oi oi, Daphne, wait..." I tried to say, when suddenly her fingers found my chest and with an absorbed expression on her face, she asked me: "Levi... What are these signs on your skin?". I tried to distract myself from what that thin piece of cloth could suggest to me of her body and I told her, bringing my attention back to her fingers: "The device's straps. I spend a lot of time in my uniform".
"Levi, don't tell me you sleep with your uniform on..." she worriedly said. "No, Daphne. I don't sleep at all" I replied to her. She looked at me with an unbearable concerned look. Then she delicately moved her fingers on those marks, following the route on my skin, tracing an imaginary line along my chest. I had to do something quickly before that situation got out of my hand.
Against my own will, I stopped her, grabbing her wrist, and then I said, "Hey, if you keep touching me like that, I may think you're hitting on me". I perfectly knew how to piss her off. She looked at me with an angry expression and then went back to the bathroom saying "I'll be back soon".
DAPHNE'S POV
I immediately closed the door behind me. But what the fuck was I thinking? Touching him like that, so suddenly? After all he had done for me, now I act like that... Get it together, Daphne. I thought.
I left the towel on the sink and as soon as I was in the tub, a thought caught me unawares. I realized that Levi must have seen me like that, half-naked, with only that piece of cloth on...
Full of shame, I sought refuge in my hands, bearing my face there, as the images of a couple of minutes before passed through my head. I was never used to ask for help, let alone accept it so easily. And yet I found myself once again unable to do anything but get lost under his touch as I returned to breathe.
Before Levi's sculpted torso appeared in my head again, I rushed out of the tub, got dressed, and went back to my room.
He was sitting on my bed with his forearms resting on his thighs, watching the moon out the window. He was wearing the pajamas I gave him, a pair of dark trousers and a simple light linen tunic, definitely too big for him and that let a glimpse his chest- "How are you feeling?" his voice interrupted my flow of thoughts.
I began to make my way in the room towards him, nodding my head and whispering with that little voice I had left in me: "Better".
As soon as I realized I was only wearing my nightgown, I held myself in my arms, embarrassed, again. Levi immediately intercepted my discomfort and reached out to me, grabbing my leg, which was still shaking slightly, to pull me closer to him.
"Why are you still shaking like this?" he asked me, gently sliding his hand up and down behind my thigh. "I don't know... I have a thousand thoughts on my mind, I don't know how to stop them" I said, praying that he would not notice my growing and overwhelming awkwardness. "You should try to get some sleep..." he suggested. "I don't think I could..."
"Well, what is it that still bothers you so much?" he continued. I instinctively turned my back on him. "Levi, you know what bothers me. I want to go back. Back to the Underground. And not only I don't know when I can ever go back, but now I'm wondering if I'll ever really make it back" and saying that, I nervously carried my hands to my face. I felt like ripping my skin off.
He immediately stood up, grabbed me by the shoulder to make me rotate, but I opposed some resistance. I didn't want to be seen again like that. "Daphne" he called me again, pulling me more vigorously. I don't want you to see me like this. I felt so miserable.
As soon as he successfully made me turn around, he said, "Daphne, you can't go on like this". "What do you think I should do then, uh? Give up just because you're holding me here?" I snapped. "I don't think you should give up on that. I'm sure that if you go along with this mission, Erwin might grant you a pass or soften a little with you" he tried to comfort me.
"No, Levi. You don't understand. It's not just about tomorrow. It's everything. It's not knowing what's going on down there. Not being there. Not being able to do anything. Not-" I tried to add something else, but suddenly Levi took me by the shoulders, saying: "Look at me" and I immediately obeyed.
Then looking at me dead in the eyes, he added, "You can't go on like this. This thing is eating you up alive. You can't think that you can save everyone. It's not up to you to save everyone. You can try, but you can't think you can have this thing completely under control. You're not their mother. You're you. Think about saving yourself first".
I hated how much I admired him. How I admired his way of speaking to me without ever mincing his word, of always telling me the hard truth, and of always knowing how and when to say it.
All I was good for was to stand there and stare at him, quiet and small in his hands.
"Now try to sleep... Seriously," he continued. I lightly shook my head, nervously massaging my hands. "Look, here's the deal. I will stay here until you fall asleep. I can tell you a lot of boring stuff thanks to shitty four-eyes".
"Levi... You don't have to. You've already done enough. Too much for me. You don't have to help-". I started to say, but he promptly interrupted me, saying: "I want to help you". Then we stared at each other for a few seconds and in our silence, I realized that was the moment when I should have loosened up a bit with him.
I started to approach the bed, then I turned around and saw him getting ready to take his seat in the chair near my desk. I couldn't stop thinking about those marks on his chest sticking out of his shirt. I went out on a limb and said, pointing at the bed behind me, "You can lay here if you want... You never sleep, at least rest for a while. There is room for the both of us". Maybe I had overstepped.
Instead, Levi silently put the chair back in its place, approached me, and then walking past me he laid on the bed, on the side against the wall. I immediately threw myself on him, pulling him by the shirt: "No no no! That's my place! You sleep here". Levi was quite taken aback by my sudden reaction.
He opened his eyes wide and grabbing my wrists, he yelled "What the fuck is up now?". "No Levi, you don't understand! Please, I have to sleep there, otherwise-" I didn't make it to the end of my sentence because Levi immediately threw himself on me, hovering over me with his body and immobilizing my hands above my head. "Why does it even matter??" he asked me while his hair was hanging from above, brushing my face.
I swallowed at the sight and the sensation of his body above mine. His hands were pressing on my wrists tightly but never hurting me and lower, his legs were blocking mine. So, I confessed with my eyes closed, like I was terrified of something: "That's the safe corner of the room. From there, I can control the window and the door".
Then I heard a small laugh and Levi's body falling back on the bed, next to me.
"The safe corner of the room..." he almost laughed, slamming his hand on his forehead, "I noticed some strange things you do, you know. At the cafeteria, when you line up the cutlery or when you enter some room you have never seen before, you immediately take a look around. You count all the windows, the doors and you always keep an eye on them... Now it all makes sense" and then he continued to lightly laugh saying "The safe corner of the room".
Then he turned over, rotating his whole body in my direction and bending his arm so he could rest his head on his hand. He stared at me straight into my eyes for a while and then said to me with a grin painted on his face: "Just rest. I'll keep an eye on the situation, all right?".
LEVI'S POV
Daphne did not make me repeat it twice and after she had adjusted the pillow under her head, her eyes closed slowly. Her body was turned towards me and from that position, I had the perfect view of it. A moonbeam filtering through the window fell upon her, outlining the path on which my eyes walked on her.
After a while, her body had finally relaxed, her legs slightly crossed and her hands had loosened the grip on her skin. Her forehead was now stretched out, and finally, even her eyes seemed to have calmed down behind her eyelids.
That was one of the few times I happened to be able to watch her being so quiet and serene. And I soon realized that never before had I found myself so close to anyone. Physically and mentally. And yet I didn't feel particularly uncomfortable. Indeed, not at all.
Since I met her, Dafne had suggested to me the desire for things I didn't even believe I wanted.
We were so close in the silence of that moment that I managed to focus better on a scent that I seemed to have forgotten on the tip of my tongue. Just to be sure, I went a little ahead. A few centimeters from her face, I slowly inhaled, as if to not disturb her, and there I was sure about it. That was her scent. The scent of camomile.
I figured she used that tiny flower to make some soap, maybe a lotion, or a perfume. I felt like I was spying on her, during one of her little secret rituals.
I closed my eyes to savor some more of it, but at a certain point, I was distracted by a voice. I heard her whispering in her sleep: "Levi... Levi...". So I immediately opened my eyes and noticed that she was still sleeping soundly, but her body seemed to have started shaking and her mouth opened up to call my name again.
"Daphne, I'm here. What's going on?" I whispered. But nothing, she kept on sleeping and moving restlessly. "Oi Daphne" I tried to wake her up once again. Then suddenly I felt her lips brushing mine and calling my name again. With her warm breath on me, it took all my goodwill to not be carried away by the moment, but I was at my limit.
"Daphne," I said, articulating every single letter of her name directly on her lips.
A wide smile was painted on her face and finally placing her lips on mine, for our last, short kiss, she called again my name: "Levi".
I laid my forehead on hers, sighing. Then, sliding an arm under her, I embraced her, holding her tightly onto my chest, as if I were afraid she might suddenly slip out of my hands or run away again. As soon as her body responded to mine, adjusting itself in my arms, from above her head, I dipped my face in her hair, inhaling for the last time that scent, as if it were a lullaby that I now knew by heart.
I allowed myself to stay there a little longer. Then, as promised, when I was sure that she had fallen into a deep sleep, I left her one last mild kiss on her forehead and so I went away. Whatever happens tomorrow, at least we had today.
