#youtuber!bts

It was hard to suppress the grin that was taking over his lips at the thought of being able to relax in his boyfriend’s presence. Taehyung was so bright and wonderful, Yoongi often wondered how he’d managed to attract the sun, being cold and grumpy as he was on the outside. He wouldn’t complain, though, far too pleased with what he’d been given to even tempt fate by questioning it.

“Honey, I’m home!” Yoongi called their joke greeting into the apartment, expecting his boyfriend’s deep laugh to float out of one of the rooms, followed by a familiar boxy grin and arms that reached out to take Yoongi into them. However, he was greeted with silence.

Yoongi rolled his eyes and walked through the apartment to the bedroom. This wasn’t the first time his boyfriend had been taking a nap in the afternoon, and it wouldn’t be the last. “Tae,” Yoongi called softly into the bedroom as he pushed the door open, but stopped short when he saw his boyfriend wasn’t curled up on the bed like he would normally be. “Tae?” Yoongi called again, louder this time, turning around to check that his boyfriend hadn’t crept up behind him to scare him. That also wouldn’t be a first.

The apartment, however, was seemingly empty.

With a shrug, Yoongi made to shut the bedroom door again to go back to the sofa and wait for his boyfriend to get back, but stopped short when he saw Taehyung’s laptop was on, a new video displayed.

Taehyung was a YouTuber, and had been for as long as Yoongi had known him. Yoongi remembers meeting Taehyung whilst the latter was filming one of his first ever vlogs, cross at first that some randomer had crashed into him on the street but all the anger drained away when his eyes met Taehyung’s, the panicked and guilty look on his face almost comical as he rushed to apologise to Yoongi. All anger forgotten, Yoongi told Taehyung to forget it, but Taehyung had insisted that he take Yoongi for a coffee to make up for the one that Yoongi had dropped in the collision. Fast forward three months, both had massive crushes on each other and Taehyung eventually had the courage to confess his feelings to Yoongi through a YouTube video, knowing the other would see it because Yoongi was insistent about watching and supporting all of his videos. As soon as he had seen it, Yoongi ran to Taehyung’s apartment and turned up at his door, panting, but eager to smash their lips together in a kiss that was a long time coming. Taehyung’s channel only grew from there, and Yoongi was always there to support him, even when he went viral and gained over 200,000 subscribers in less than a week.

Yoongi sat down at Taehyung’s desk, frowning at the video on display which was paused halfway through in a shot of Taehyung looking down, face slightly red and eyes shimmering, as if he was crying. His eyes flicked to the title, an explanation, and then back to the video, which he set to the beginning. Soon, his boyfriend’s deep tone was floating out of the speakers and into the air around Yoongi.

“Hi,” Taehyung sighed, not bothering with his usual bright introduction. “Today has been... a bad day. Nothing really happened, I just- I found my old diary, and I was reading through it and I found an entry about one of the worst times in my life.” Taehyung laughed bitterly and Yoongi winced, his fingers itching to reach out and comfort his boyfriend, despite it being a recording. “And I- I don’t know. I’ve never spoken about it to anybody, I’ve only shared brief and nonsense summaries of what happened with Yoongs, he doesn’t really know the whole story and-” Taehyung’s voice caught at that and he gulped, as if the words were choking him. “It’s almost cowardly of me. I’m making this video to tell him everything just like I made the one confessing my feelings to him so I didn’t have to do it in person, because I can’t do it in person. I’m not strong enough.”

Yoongi felt his heart clench as he pulled the laptop closer, his palms suddenly clammy. It was true that he didn’t know the details about Taehyung’s past, only that it wasn’t joyful and had resulted in some low, low days. Those were always the worst, the bad days, where he came back to Taehyung’s apartment to find the boy lying emotionless in his bed, staring up at the ceiling so vacantly as if his soul had left his body. All Yoongi could really do on those days was cuddle his boyfriend close until Taehyung started to cry, and then let him cry everything out and wait until he either explained what was wrong, or asked Yoongi to take his mind off of it. 4/5 times, it was the latter. Yoongi wishes it wasn’t.

“It started with a Snapchat, a Snapchat from one of the most popular boys in our year. In the first year of high school, he was a boy who I was constantly sitting next to in class because of the alphabetic seating plan, a boy who took any chance he could to flirt, and who earned my affection as easily as if it were a simple greeting exchange. I won’t say his name for privacy purposes, but let’s just call him S. “A year later, in our second year, S and I... we had an inside joke. I made a comment about our mathematics teacher and he jokingly threatened to expose me, so I said I would do anything he wanted to pay his silence. That’s how he got my Snapchat - he told me he’d message me when he thought of a suitable payment. And it was just a joke, it honestly was... until he actually thought of a payment.”

Taehyung gulped and brought a hand up to ruffle his fringe, a sign he was nervous or hesitant or feeling insecure. Yoongi had seen it too often, mostly before opening up about something or talking to somebody he didn’t trust. It made Yoongi even more desperate to reach for Taehyung’s hand, but he was watching a recording. He didn’t know where Taehyung was, and he knew that he should watch the video before speaking to his boyfriend. There was no point in forcing him to repeat an explanation of his nightmares.

“The payment, he decided, was for me to meet up with him and make out with him, and he was being completely serious. And the stupid thing is, me being an idiot with a crush, I actually considered it.” Taehyung laughed humorlessly, something like a tired hate burning in his eyes. “And then it swiftly changed to nudes. Baring in mind I was 15 and stupid... I sent them. Nothing too bad, just underwear- well, any nudes are bad, but I never went lower than underwear.”

Taehyung smiled sadly and then reached off screen, bringing his hand back to reveal a water bottle which he took a few sips from. Yoongi could tell he was stalling, trying to work out how best to tell the story. Sometimes Taehyung struggled and worded things in a unique way, something Yoongi loved but some viewers apparently had a problem with, a problem that Yoongi told him time and time again to disregard. He didn’t, instead writing scripts and planning out his words days before his conversations.

“Anyway, it was at this time that I fell out with my friends. We had a conversation about smoking, because somebody in my group said they wanted to start, and I said I wouldn’t mind trying it just for experience, just to quench my own curiosity. I wouldn’t try to smoke all the time, just a drag or two, just to see. Honestly I don’t really like the idea of smoking because it’s so bad for you but I didn’t care about trying once. Just another thing to add to the list of life experiences. One boy in the group didn’t take this well, let’s call him... H. H didn’t take it well at all, started saying that I wanted to get into smoking and that I would get addicted to loads of different drugs, said things like ‘oh, I’d tell you the last time I smoked but I can’t because then Taehyung might beg me for one’, and it was just horrible, I felt so judged.”

Yoongi’s fists clenched, his heart hurting as he saw his boyfriend’s eyes grow shiny. Taehyung’s lips pulled into another self-conscious smile, taking a little pause before he continued. Yoongi had never heard this story, although he could make guesses about who the people were from the brief conversations they’d shared on the bad days, whispers between bedsheets, lost in the skin of one another.

“Despite that, I did try it. After school one day, I took a couple of drags from the cigarette of this girl in the group, and there was another girl there- I didn’t trust her, not at all, but she already knew that I was going to try it and I figured ‘well, might as well just go for it if she already knows’. So I tired it, took a couple of drags, decided I didn’t get what the fuss was about and that was it. Smoking experience over. I wasn’t begging for more, I wasn’t demanding weed or crack, I just took a couple of drags and then fucked off home.”

Yoongi watched his boyfriend’s jaw tighten, an obvious sign of hurt and anger. It was almost weird, how easily he could read his boyfriend although he barely knew of half the pain he’d faced. Yoongi wondered if he should be angry that he was learning all this information in a YouTube video but seeing Taehyung’s expression, his tight jaw and shiny eyes, Yoongi couldn’t bring himself to feel anything but the overwhelming need to take his boyfriend into his arms and hug him for the rest of time, protect him from all of the malicious people who wanted him to hurt.

“The next day, that second girl had told my whole group. H strode up to me and demanded to know if I was addicted to smoking, if I had bought any cigarettes and if I was going to try proper drugs next. I was taken aback and didn’t know how to react, so I asked ‘what?’ and acted completely confused by what he was saying. Then my best friends in the group, called... M and B... they came to talk to me. Now, M, B and I were known for being best friends within the group. We were a little trio, and they acted a bit like we were better than the rest of the group and I just went along with it because I was glad for their friendship. I’d had shit friendships in the past and... I was just happy to have such close friends. “But that’s where it all started to go wrong. M and B... they weren’t the nicest people, and as soon as they had the chance to point out my flaws, they took it. They approached me and asked if I had actually smoked, which is stupid when you think about it because why should it matter? But I knew what they were like, I knew they were capable of ruining me if they got an answer they didn’t like because I’d seen them do it to others. So I lied.”

Tears had started to slip out of the corners of Taehyung’s eyes, and a frantic hand came up to wipe them away, almost as if he would get in trouble for having them, almost as if he wasn’t allowed to be hurt for what had happened to him, like he wasn’t the victim of horrible people and the cuts they intentionally littered on Taehyung’s skin.

“I didn’t want to lose our friendship, I didn’t want to be rejected, so I told them I didn’t smoke. They didn’t believe me. They went on and on and on about it until eventually I admitted to them that I had smoked, and I told them that I lied about it because I was ashamed at what they might think of me. They got angry, accused me of lying to their faces - which I did, but it’s not like I did it to be malicious - and refused to have a proper conversation with me about it. They shunned me, kicked me out of the group, a group that I was actually in before them, and then... and then the rumors started.”

He was properly crying now, voice strained as fat tears rolled down his cheeks, some escaping the long fingers which came up to brush them away just as harshly as Taehyung had been brushed out of his friend group.

“The boy I was Snapchatting, S... He didn’t tell anyone, and I didn’t tell anyone- about the nudes, I mean... but people knew that we talked. M and B knew it and they decided they would use this to ruin my life. There were three rumours: That I sent him full body nudes, that we were secretly dating and that he had taken my virginity. When they all started circulating, he stopped talking to me right away, stopped being nice to me and at the time it hurt a lot, because I thought he cared about me. That was stupid. “People came up to me asking ‘omg, are you and S going out?’ and ‘did S take your virginity?’, and nobody would tell me where they heard it but I knew. I knew exactly who told them that. B. B was petty, and would do anything it took to bring somebody down, even if it meant turning half the year against them. People would come up to me and accuse me of talking about them behind their back, one girl even accused me of calling her a ‘fat cunt’, when honestly I had never even seen her before and I didn’t even know what her name was, and-”

A harsh sob broke through Taehyung’s lips, his eyes falling shut and a hand coming up to cover his face, like an attempt to hide from all the past pain he had felt. Yoongi barely registered his own eyes welling up with tears as he watched Taehyung’s fall, as he watched his boyfriend suck in a breath and drop his hand, holding onto what remaining strength he had to push himself through the rest of the video.

“And suddenly, I was this horrible bitch who gave teachers blowjobs for good grades and spent my weekends finding new nude angles for the fuckboys of the year. The rumours grew, B being one of the biggest motivators and M doing nothing to stop or control it. I cried every day that week, came home and screamed, questioned what I had done to deserve such pain, who I was to deserve such treatment. It was- From then- I- I wanted to- ah, this is so difficult.”

Taehyung trailed off and buried his face in his hands, letting some sobs pour out, his shoulders shaking in pain. Then there was a jumpcut, the first of the video, which brought them to a point when Taehyung eventually raised his head, his eyes puffy and his cheeks red, spit strings connecting his lips. Yoongi wondered for how long he had cried, for how long he had fell apart without Yoongi there to help him through it.

“I hated my life, I hated myself. Nobody was on my side, because even if they didn’t believe the rumours they couldn’t be bothered to get involved. I didn’t want to go to school, begged my mum to let me stay home, but I couldn’t just stop going, because life goes on if you’re being bullied or not. I had to start hanging out with misfits in the year above who never really spoke to me, just tolerated my presence, and at this point... at this point, I became depressed. I tried- I tried cutting, which was stupid of me because it didn’t help anything, so it didn’t last. But, I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to die, but I was scared of death. I wanted to leave, but I had nowhere to run to. I was... completely stuck. “I had to go to school every day and face the rumours, face M and B and all the people in my group who didn’t bother to do anything about it and then- and then the rumours got out of hand. M and B went to the school counselors, and claimed that I told them that my father had tried to drown and electrocute me, told them I’d tried cutting - how they found out, I’m not sure - and got the safeguarding team involved.”

Taehyung reached for his water and took desperate gulps, as if it were a lifeline, his fingers clutching so tightly to the bottle that drops escaped out the sides and rolled down his chin. He put the bottle down and wiped his lips, took a few deep breaths, and then started again, hugging himself as if seeking comfort. It was then that Yoongi realised Taehyung was wearing his jumper, and it only made his heart hurt more. He wished he could have been there for Taehyung whilst he was explaining it all... wished he could have been there for Taehyung years ago when it happened.

“So the school got involved and called in my parents and we had a conversation which was basically the school deciding I’d told my ‘friends’ those things to seek attention, and my mum claiming that they were shit because I was being bullied and they knew and did nothing. I’d had multiple verbal fights during the week which ended in my tears and me sitting in the Student Support Centre at this point, but the school didn’t seem to care. “Anyway, this is getting long so I’ll try to speed up. Basically the school cared for about two days and then forgot about it, M and B continued to bitch about me and I continued to get shunned. I reached a point of total desperation, craving to have somebody talk to me as if I was a human. That’s where Jay comes in.”

Yoongi felt his gut clench, remembering the brief summary of Jay. A dickhead who decided he was Taehyung’s god to love and worship. A man Yoongi wouldn’t mind to crunch underfoot, and no matter how grumpy and cold Yoongi seemed, he was not the violent type.

“I met him at my cousin’s friend’s party, and he got my number. I chatted to him a lot, craving the social interaction because at this point I didn’t really have anybody apart from some internet friends who didn’t stick around, and Jay was nice. So I talked to him for the whole night, texted him after he left the party and then... and then the next day, he claimed to like me. I told him it wasn’t possible, that he’d only known me a day, and to keep talking to me to make sure. I didn’t like him, but I wasn’t going to tell him to stop talking to me because he was the only one who would. So I chatted to him, and he got more eager as time went on. At one point, he was texting me, messaging me on Facebook and messaging me on Skype at the same time, three different conversations. I left him without a reply for five minutes to get a splinter out my hand, and I came back to messages saying ‘babe, babe where have you gone? Are you going to reply to me? Do you hate me? What did I do?’ and I told him to calm down, that it was only five minutes. I should have stopped talking to him then but, as we’ve established, I should have done many things differently.”

Taehyung wiped more tears as a yawn came to his lips. He looked so tired, wrapped in Yoongi’s baggiest jumper, bags under puffy eyes and a sense of exhausted restlessness in the way he spoke. Yoongi had half a mind to stop the video and go find his boyfriend, but he stayed put. Taehyung had made this video for him, he had to watch it, had to listen to what Taehyung wanted to say.

“He started to tell people at my cousin’s school that we were dating, and when I found out I confronted him about it. He begged me to give it a try, to try dating him and if I didn’t like it then we didn’t have to continue... and I agreed, because I was vulnerable and lonely and I just wanted someone. “That was a bad decision on my part. Jay was obsessive, had to have me messaging him all the time, telling him what I was doing and who I was with. It scared me and I tried to break it off after a week, but he refused. In fact, he refused to let me go all three times I tried to break it off. He started to- he started to tell me things, things like ‘you’re so annoying that I’m the only one who can handle having you in their life’, or ‘tell me you love me, you know I’m the only person who wants you’. And because I was in such a bad place, I took all of his emotional abuse to heart, and I- I stayed with him, let him treat me like shit, met up with him when he wanted and made out with him when he was bored. He never failed to remind me how shit I was, never failed to remind me that he was the only person who could ever accept me, told me that he was doing me a favour for not leaving me completely alone. And I believed him. And this went on for too long.”

Taehyung paused and looked down, wiping his eyes and letting gasps suck oxygen into his lungs. This continued for about fifteen seconds as he calmed himself down, before he continued in a strained voice, obviously trying hard to hold himself together, to push himself through the last little bit of the video.

“I said I was having a bad day today. I read my old diary... and the entry I read was just after managing to break up with Jay. Reading it was a mistake, one of many I seem to have made, and... and I just felt like I needed to tell you, and tell... tell Yoongi. There are some other things that happened, things that are too private to mention on YouTube, things I’ll save just for Yoongi... but thank you for listening to me. I have a better life now and it means a lot to know I have all of you. The pain isn’t gone, not completely, I have wounds that haven’t quite healed into scars yet but... but I’m getting there. I’m getting there. It’s not necessarily the pain of what happened that I’m feeling, rather than the long term effects. The depression is still there, but I have Yoongi to help me deal with it, and for that I am so thankful because after meeting and becoming friends with Jimin, it was his job alone to look after me, and I felt guilty for putting that strain on him. I feel a lot better knowing I have Yoongi, and a few other friends, that I can trust with my whole heart. I just want to say, because I know Yoongi is watching... I’m sorry for all the times you’ve had to deal with me, and I- I love you. Thank you again, and I promise in the next video I won’t be so emotional.”

Taehyung gave one final self-conscious smile to the camera and then the screen went black, showing Yoongi his wrecked reflection - eyes puffy, nose snotty, face red, just like Taehyung had been in the video. Taehyung. His beautiful, funny, strong Taehyung. His boyfriend who had been through highs and lows but never lost his boxy grin. His Taehyung, the amazing boy he met one day, a boy he never thought he’d fall in love with until it had happened, a boy he wanted to give himself to for the rest of time, knowing he would get 100% back. Taehyung. He had to see Taehyung.

Yoongi slid his phone out of his pocket and quickly located his boyfriend’s contact, heart pounding in his chest. He needed to comfort Taehyung, needed to feel the other in his arms, let him know that the past couldn’t hurt him anymore, that Yoongi had him in his arms and that everything would be okay, that Yoongi would never let anybody hurt him ever again.

Yoongi’s heart jolted when the line connected, a nervous anticipation building inside of him. He wished it was as simple as clicking to be with Taehyung and have the boy in his arms, to always be less than a second away from protecting the boy with his everything.

“Tae... where are you?” Yoongi practically whispered into the line, wanting to be gentle in case his boyfriend felt sensitive.

“I’m in your apartment,” Taehyung replied, voice quiet and raspy from all the crying.

“Stay there,” Yoongi said, quickly standing from the desk and wiping his eyes before making his way back to the front door of the apartment. “I’ll be there for you.”

Blank. Taehyung felt blank, like the white ceiling he had spent the past five hours staring at. He hadn’t bothered to edit his confession video, he’d simply filmed it and cut out the solid five minutes of sobbing at this one point before he stuck in on his channel and cried into his pillow. He ignored his laptop in favour of wishing his boyfriend would come home, craved the familiar smell, the familiar touch, the familiar safety, needed Yoongi to come home and hold him close and whisper encouragement in his ear and press kisses to his forehead... but he was at work, and Taehyung couldn’t be selfish and make him leave early.

That’s how Taehyung ended up in Yoongi’s apartment, curled in the other man’s bed, staring at the empty ceiling as memories of the past invaded his mind, each making sure to leave a scratch which bled ghost pain into his senses. Yoongi’s scent helped, acted as a painkiller whilst the real thing was missing but it wasn’t enough. He needed the strong hands with the gentle touches, the slim body with the warm comfort, the slender arms with the most secure hugs. He didn’t get them until about three hours later, when he was pulled out of the whirlpool of past memories by a whisper of his name.

Taehyung didn’t reply. He felt his body starting to relax as he heard the familiar footfalls of his boyfriend, and turned his head to meet Yoongi’s eyes, his own shining with a new wave of tears, especially when he saw his boyfriend’s own eyes red with irritation, saw the evidence of the pain Yoongi had felt for him.

A noise left Taehyung’s lips, a desperate noise that he couldn’t control, which made Yoongi’s heart shatter inside his chest. He whispered Taehyung’s name again and opened his arms, offering protection and security and love to the numb boy lying on his bed, who sat up and took it eagerly as he threw his arms around Yoongi’s neck.

Yoongi slipped his own around Taehyung’s waist, climbing onto the bed next to his boyfriend to bring their bodies as close as they could be. Taehyung buried his face in Yoongi’s neck and breathed in the calming scent, before letting his unblocked sobs escape, not the controlled ones he let out during the video but the ugly, loud, violent sobs that he had no trouble revealing to his lover. He cried and cried and cried, clutching tightly onto Yoongi who stroked his hair and placed the occasional kiss atop his head, trying his best not to start crying along as his heart fell. He had to be strong for Taehyung. 

When Yoongi felt Taehyung start to shake, he shifted them so they were both laying underneath the covers and pulled his boyfriend close to him, his hand going to stroke the soft hair atop his head. “They said so many things about me,” Taehyung whispered through softer sobs, fatigue creeping up on him as his tear ducts ran dry. “They all hated me. Why did they hate me? What did I do?”

“You did nothing, Tae,” Yoongi whispered, his lips dragging over Taehyung’s skin as he spoke. “There are rude and malicious people in this world, people who get a sick satisfaction out of clipping the wings of angels. You didn’t do anything wrong, you were just their next innocent target.”

It was true. Taehyung had never done anything to anybody. Yoongi was so skeptical, at first, about his bright personality and his massive boxy grin, sure that the boy must have something wrong with him because Yoongi had never encountered somebody so wonderful, somebody who made him feel on top of the universe. Taehyung gave and gave and gave until he could give no more, he loved and loved and loved until hearts were full, he smiled and smiled and smiled until he was brighter than the sun. The idea that people would want to cause him pain, suffering, to make tears roll down his face... it was unfathomable. Even when they fought, Yoongi couldn’t bring himself to say anything that could hurt Taehyung, no matter how angry or hurt he was himself. The people in Taehyung’s past... Yoongi did not understand how they could bare to knock a star out of the sky.

“Taehyung, listen to me. You are the most unique, outgoing, amazing person I have ever met, and I am so proud of you for making it through all of the horrible things you’ve faced. It’s okay if you don’t feel strong, because I’m here to hold you up until you can stand. It’s okay if you want to cry, because I’m here to catch the tears until you smile.” Yoongi reached up and brushed a warm tear off of Taehyung’s cheek, smiling gently as Taehyung frowned slightly. “It’s okay if you’re hesitant to open up to me, because I’m here to love and cherish you, even though we’ve only been dating a few months... I really love you and I want to support you in everything you do. Depression is difficult, it’s not something that will go away the second you find a source of love and happiness, even if the cause disappears. It will stay there, lingering at the back of your mind and I understand that. I’m ready to help you get through it all, to hold you until you want me to let go.”

Yoongi brushed his thumb over Taehyung’s face to catch more tears and then leaned forward to place a gentle kiss on his boyfriend’s soft lips, feeling a weight lift off his shoulders when Taehyung’s body relaxed beside his.

“Maybe everything I’ve been through... maybe it was a price,” Taehyung whispered in reply a few seconds later, voice scratchy and rough. “A price I had to pay to earn you.”

A small smile came to Taehyung’s lips as he watched Yoongi roll his eyes in fondness, a gentle laugh floating through his own. “Even when you’re sad, you’re still the cheesiest person I know,” Yoongi replied before he leaned forward and kissed his boyfriend again, stroking the soft skin of his cheeks and intertwining their legs to be closer, closer, closer.

Taehyung disjoined their lips, his eyes shining once again - this time, with adoration, as he whispered “I purple you.”

“Purple?” Yoongi questioned with a frown, leaning in to peck his boyfriend’s lips once again, the desire to show Taehyung as much love as possible controlling him to do so. “What do you mean?”

“Purple is the colour of peace, devotion and love. It represents everything I feel towards you, and is the closest word I can find to describe it because just ‘love’ isn’t enough. I purple you, Min Yoongi. Thank you for being here for me.”

Yoongi chuckled and shook his head slightly. He loved the unique way his boyfriend worded things.

“And I purple you too, Kim Taehyung. More than you could ever imagine.”

~

I tried but I’m not good at fluff npawndpinwdapinwpniwf I’m the angst nugget not the fluff nugget.

Please feel free to leave me any feedback/comments in my ask box, or message me privately! It’s really motivating to see your responses, especially after working hard on something and taking a good few hours to write it! It would mean a lot to me <3