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For once, can I desire a real connection?
The type that's mutual and filled with sparks, the one that leaves you hoping for the night to never end. Maybe I was too naive to think that was real, for convencing myself that the light that I saw in your eyes when you looked at me meant something more than just morbid lust.
Is that all I can be for you?
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Never
I can never let anyone become as important to me as you were. As when you stopped caring , I felt like everyone did. Because you were my everything. I let my love for you consume me and leave nothing behind. There wasn't anything left when you did. I can't do this again , Never.
Wanna know what I think the most fucked up part of this is? I could ruin your relationship. I could ruin you. But I actually gave a fuck, unlike you. So I won't. You know I won't, that's why you're so okay with fucking me over. Again.
i know you dont like me back but goddamn you drive me insane. ive fallen so fucking hard for you and youre too oblivious to see. or maybe im just too scared to accept that there could actually be a chance of you liking me back. maybe im too oblivious to see the signs that you like me. maybe i over think about you. maybe theres a small chance you could like me back. just maybe.
excerpts from a book ill never write (#1)
1:53 pm, Monday
i miss my dad alot.. i wish my family would call me and just say that they love me and wont be that way again. but i know in the depths of my heart that even as easy as that could be its just not going to happen. i feel like my emotional baggage is so heavy lately. i couldnt tell you how often ive faked laughs, smiles, entire dispositions throughout spending time with my friends, at work, at school. how many times ive slipped away unnoticed to let myself let go of the tears that were building up while i was trying to make you laugh and feel like youre having fun with me. i know ill be fine. i know ill be More than fine. but i wish it didnt have to be this way.Â
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Do you miss my smile? My laugh? Do you miss seeing my face on the pillow next to yours? Do you miss our stupid jokes about stoner movies? Do you miss the way I supported you to the end of the Earth? Or the way you said I made you want to be better? Do you miss having something to work towards? Do you miss our dreams of proving everybody wrong? Do you miss our midnight trips to McDonald's for milkshakes? Or staying up until 4 a.m. burning incense and listening to reggae? Do you miss the summer days we spent in the field behind the cemetery? Do you miss the way I looked in your eyes, studied your face? Do you miss the way our bodies fit together like puzzle pieces? Do you miss how my skin felt on yours? Or the way I pulled your hair when you kissed my neck? Or the way I bit your lip and it made you melt into me? Do you miss me singing to you when we were happy? Do you miss me holding you when you were scared? Do you miss me? Or are you too stoned to notice that I'm gone?
I feel like I've lost a little part of me when you left, you'll never know how much you meant to me.
I just don't understand how you can devote so much time with someone and then treat them like total shit because you decided that you don't want to date them anymore. I just don't know how it suddenly changes. Why do people have to hurt someone they once loved? Things didn't work out, that doesn't mean the love I had for you disappeared. Even though our relationship didn't work out, or our idea of what we thought love was, we shouldn't have to hate one another because we choose to find happiness some where else. Maybe we can just be two people who were young and stupid and happened to to fall for each other. It was fun, and excited but it had an ending. That's it.
