Letting go...
Im 24 now and days away from having my first child. I’ve been having some crazy dreams of things in my past and how i could have done things differently. Ill never forget my middle school crush. Through out the years we’ve kept in touch through social media. He never really post much or like many of my things but im happy to know hes atleast there and i can message him when i want, but what can i say now? We went to high school together we watched each other hit puberty, we’ve watched ourselves change, we’ve watched ourselves go through relationships and still my heart called for him but it was always bad timing. Either he was with someone or i was. Our friendship was so great though that everyone thought we were a couple. But we weren’t, we were just good friends. Hed walk me home, we would go to lunch after school sometimes, but we never vented to each other how we truly felt towards one another. We became the class of 2010 and that was it, everyone cried of joy and moving on to the next chapter in life. I cried because i felt like id never see him again, id never have a reason to. Before it was walk each other to class or hang out after school. But now theres none of that and how will it go on?, i thought. One day after a night of drinking w my friends, being single for a few months and crying although no one understood why. I grabbed my phone and gained to courage to message him and tell him he IS the love of my life and i wanted to be with him since the 6th grade!! After so many years i couldn’t hold it in anymore and the alcohol running in me had me convinced it would be like a fairy tale, and him and i would somehow make it work. I finally messaged him and told him “i love you” he read it and didn’t reply for a few days and at that moment i knew i fucked up. I would open the message just to see my mistake and wondered why he never replied. One day out of the blue i get a response saying I LOVE YOU TOO. And i felt soo happy , but that wasn’t all. He continued with how ever since the 6th grade he had a crush on me too but he always respected me and my space and didnt think i would be into him. And once we went to high school if i was in a relationship he wasn’t, and if i wasn’t he was. And it was just always bad timing. It truly felt like it was never ment to be for him. And my heart broke i was sitting there on my couch reading his message just crying. And all i could do was agree. It was always bad timing. I felt like such an idiot why didnt i tell him sooner. Someone please make a time machine and take me back!! My whole life would be different if i would have just told him sooner. Now 2016 we dont talk but still have each other on social media. And i am now having a kid from my college sweetheart. I love him to death and we have a house and life cant be anymore perfect. But ive been having these dreams i cant control and i feel crazy. Just last night i was dreaming of my 6th grade lover boy lol and in my dream it was him and i walking through a crowded street holding hands having the best day ever and everyone that kept passing by whispered “let go” and it drove me crazy i held onto his arm tighter and tighter and started to scream Nooo!! Nooo!! Till eventually he broke loose and i lost him. I just kept searching for him in the crowd. And just like that he was gone. Idk why i had this dream but i woke up in tears. I hate to have to admit this but even after all these years i still love him. Wishing i was with him. But like i said im days away from havig my first child. And maybe it is time to let go.. Idk what all this means and no one will probably read this anyways but i had to type it out and let it go!! Its time 😔😔😔
