#youarehis

This is really hard for me to write. But I think I need to get it out there.

Singing is one of the most important things I have. It’s such a massive part of who I am. Whenever my life feels like it’s falling apart, I’ve always turned to music. And when I sing, it fills me and consumes me and I go somewhere else, somewhere better. There is nothing like it. A few weeks ago I found a lump in my throat. At first no one could tell me what it was because of it’s weird location in my throat. It turns out that there was an unusually large abscess tucked behind my tonsils and the infection had began to spread down my throat a little ways. So I had to have emergency surgery to remove my tonsils and the abscess and the infected tissue. Following the surgery I had a lot of post op complications including vomiting blood which ripped off the scabs from the surgery. It was a warzone back there. And it hurt like hell. I couldn’t talk for four days after that traumatic episode. Three weeks post-op today. My speaking voice is getting back to normal. So I tried to sing.

It’s gone.

My range is cut in half, my tone is the ugliest thing i’ve ever heard, and that means my perfect pitch is out too when it comes to my upper register. It’s a whole new space back there. It’s not familiar to me anymore. It’s so frustrating for me. To not have that, especially now, and to not know when it’s coming back or if it’s ever going to come back. I’m looking back at years of training, thousands of scales, so much work invested into my passion. And it was all fine until it wasn’t. And now it’s gone. I’ve hit some pretty low lows the last two weeks. But this is killing me. Sure, tell me I can only have liquids for two weeks, I’ll make it work. Tell me I’m going to have days, several, in a row, where I will not have enough energy to get out of bed and I’ll deal with it. Tell me i’m insanely behind in my school work and i’ll let you know that I’ll do homework in a hospital bed so that I won’t have to drop any of my classes. But this? This hurts me in a way that no one can fix, and no one seems to understand. I feel so alone right now. I feel hurt and betrayed and alone. And I haven’t been angry with God until now.