#youareafighter

Fighter... That’s not really a word that I ever thought I’d have to use to define myself, but it’s what I’ve been forced to become. The picture you’re looking at is ANXIETY at its finest. It’s the result of staying home from work for two days because of my uncontrollable bursts of emotion. It’s hearing someone ask if you’re okay and choosing to either remain silent (being perceived as rude) or to try to mutter out “I’m fine” without the hurricane of tears forging their way to the front of your eyes. It’s wishing you could just stay in your bed all day, but feeling guilty and worthless for not being strong enough to conduct your normal routine. It’s apologizing over and over for being this way, but know your apologies are worthless. It’s cracking jokes around your friends so that they can’t see the brokenness behind your fake laughter. It’s being reminded that this illness isn’t really a good excuse for staying home. It’s knowing that everyone around you only wants you to feel better. They want to suggest every form of therapy or pill that is out there.. It’s trying all the remedies and still feeling stranded in this battle alone. It’s knowing that there is a God who loves me and sees a purpose for all of this heartache, but being too human to comprehend. It realizing that the devil must really be afraid of you because he can’t seem to get enough of your personal torment. It’s hoping that one day, all of this will have meant something for me or for someone else. It’s me choosing to fight, if not for me, then for someone else.. There will be an end to this.. I am not going to lose this fight and one day my story will be a stepping stone for someone else. 

I have been so busy realizing my life has completely changed.

From quitting my dream job in the summer, to dragging myself out of bed with eyes heavier than an anchor dropping from a ship. I went from sinking deeper into the sea, to floating on my own raft, due to the successes I have made for myself.

No person will ever understand the amount of pain, the amount of darkness and the amount of self-hatred I have boiling in my veins day after day. But with the same anger; fuels a passion so hot, I could light my own path with the flames in my eyes.

I hate that I have allowed myself to feel pity for myself, to give myself all the excuses I have for the times I have passed up opportunities which would help me grow, help me nurture the soul that's yearning for change.