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Summary: Three lessons to be learned: 1) donât read the comments. Ever. 2) Baking will never let you down. 3) Donât tease Yoongi.
Warnings/Themes: Angst?? Heavy doses of body image and related unhealthy behaviors, low self-esteem, cyberbullying? May be triggering for some. Some suggestive content. A jealous Yoongi.
part 0, part 1, part 2, part 3
A few more days pass through your break from work. Yoongi stayed with you the morning after coming back from the club to help you nurse your hangover, but heâd been in the dorms and studio since then. This left you with extra time on your hands.
In that time, you visited your best friend and your cousin who both lived deeper in the city, a mere hourâs ride from your apartment in the outskirts. You also got ahead on some work despite the fact that your boss gave you strict warnings about fully enjoying the break after seeing how hard you worked on the project for the quarter. But eventually you ran out work you could do and had nothing left but Netflix and the internet.
As it turns out, being alone with the internet ends up being a horrible set of circumstances. Curiosity and boredom get the best of you, and you find yourself breaking a cardinal rule.
You google Yoongi to see what pops up and get recent news about him being spotted with a lady friend. You know better, but optimism pulls you in and youâre opening up one of the articles. Apparently a fan that snuck into the VIP booth snapped a picture of you dancing with him at the club you went to a few days prior. Yoongi looks handsome with his bare face half obscured by his mask and a soft expression as he looks at you. But you let out a raspy gasp at your picture.
The only good thing about the photo is that your face is turned away from the camera, leaving your identity barely undiscovered. But your neck is coated with sweat, gleaming under the club lights. In the picture, the dance-move youâre doing is frozen, awkward and contorted, your body looks all wrong. With the powerful camera flash, you can see all the spots on your clothes where sweat had accumulated, all the spots where your amateur makeup skills failed. Thereâs no grace, no elegance, no dignity afforded to you in the photo. Â Itâs not the first time youâve seen of yourself in a random pap site or careless photos. But itâs by far the worst one youâve seen.
Like a magnet is drawing you there, even though your stomach already feels like shards of ice are forming inside it, you break a second cardinal rule. You read the comments.
Itâs amazing that she feels comfortable looking like that when thereâs a literal GOD standing next to her. I could never do that. I wouldnât even leave the house
Why is something like this allowed when there are much prettier girls to pick from?
I donât think Yoongi would be stupid enough to date this girl, the picture probably just makes it look like theyâre together when theyâre obvi not
actually I think this is the same girl in that ##0524 photo. Look (image01) same hairstyle and earrings. I think she just turned into a blimp...
Guys plz be nice u donât know this person. Maybe she has a really great personality
so? This is what she gets for trying too hard to cling to Yoongi
Yo itâs prolly cuz sheâs rich. You see those leggings? I didnât even think they made them in that size but theyâre from that brand IU wears. And theyâre like $250 :0
She wasnât even that pretty before this but now I REALLY donât get it. Yoongi~~ there are skinnier girls who would suit u better
Load 675 more...
You slam your laptop shut before fumbling for your phone. Breathing levelly, youâre the picture of eerie calm with the exception of the way your hands tremble. You pull up your text messages to text your best friend when you stop yourself. While the company knows that youâre dating, youâre not allowed to disclose any information about Yoongi or the relationship to any third parties. To the public heâs still single despite his dating clause having expired long before you even met. And thereâs no way to explain what youâre going through to your friend without bringing up your secret boyfriendâs stardom.
So who can you turn to, you wonder. You canât tell your friends. You canât tell your mother either. As much as you love her, sheâd spill the secret in minutes out of well-meaning pride. And thereâs no way you can tell Yoongi.
Taking a deep breath in through your nose, you hold it for as long as you can before shoving a pillow over your face and screaming. Â All thatâs left to show for the few minutes you spend screaming is the fact that you feel about 1% better and your now-hoarse voice. But the relief doesnât last. The relief leaves room for heat to rise on your skin. Annoyance fills all your empty spaces. You catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and feel more anger.
Maybe you just arenât working hard enough and people can just see that. Maybe you just arenât being productive, you havenât earned your spot yet. You hop off the bed and look around the room, almost frantic in your search for something to work on and actually improve.
Start with a deep clean, you tell yourself.
Two days later when Yoongi comes over, youâre still in the process of purging your tiny apartment.
âWhatâs all this,â he kicks gently at the garbage bags full of clothes littering the walkway to your bedroom. You jump at the sound of his voice, having forgotten that he mentioned coming over.
âIâm just doing some tidying up. I started with towel folding videos on YouTube and ended up realizing I have a hoarding problem.â
âI donât think having dust bunnies under your bed counts as hoarding, but okay.â He searches for some space on your bed to sit in. The duvetâs surface is also covered in a mixture of old clothes and little knick knacks youâve had since before you graduated college. âI didnât realize you had so many clothes.â
You watch him pick up a spaghetti string top that you hadnât gotten around to sorting yet. He gestures towards the two trash bags full of clothes on the floor.
âPut it in that one,â you point to the one furthest from the bed.
âIs this the donate pile?â He folds the shirt almost neatly and places it on the top of the other items with a sympathetic pat.
âUh, no.â
âThen what is it? Looks like you already have everything youâre keeping,â he peers into your stocked closet.
âThatâs actually the...inspiration pile,â you explain quietly.
âWhat?â
âItâs the stuff I'm gonna keep as motivation for me to lose weight.â
âOh,â youâre surprised to see what looks like faint disappointment in Yoongiâs eyes as your words register. âI mean...makes sense.â
âYeah?â
âYeah, I mean thatâs one route you could take.â
âIs there another route?â Â You turn to face him fully from your spot on the ground with a confused smile. The shoes you were organizing lay unattended.
âWell, you could not lose the weight,â he shrugs.
You avert your gaze to the ceiling, as if the true meaning of his words will be scribed there. It sounds as though heâs suggesting you donât try to get back down to where you were before the huge project your boss assigned you, but you figure that canât be it.
âI just mean that you could donate these,â he points at the clothes in the inspiration pile. âSome of them look like theyâre brand newâIâve never even seen you in them. And you could just get some new clothes.â
âYou mean like ones that fit me now?â
âOr like before.â He shrugs. âYour style was nice, I donât know why you changed it.â
âIt changed because nothing I had before fits now. So I have to wear this other stuff.â Youâre talking about the shapeless sweaters and the monotonous greyscale pants.
âYou donât have to.â
He makes a valid point, but itâs a small one. Besides, thereâs something else youâre digging for. âSo you really think I should buy bigger clothes?â
âYes,â he says, like itâs so simple.
âOkay...but these clothes are supposed to be there to motivate me to lose the weight. If I just get a new wardrobe, thatâll mean the motivation is gone.â
âOkay,â he draws out the syllables while waiting to hear what your point is.
âThat means Iâll stay like this.â
âWhat do you mean âlike thisâ? Whatâs wrong with that?â
Your fists clench at your side as you think back to the photos of you in the club. And the comments from the netizens all saying roughly the same thing. With the puzzled way he stands there and looks at you, you feel another wave of frustration rise up. Did he really not see what was happening? Was he really going to make you say it?
âHey,â he peers down at the veins rearing against the skin of your hands. âI mean it. Whatâs wrong?â
He gets up like the discussion is about to go somewhere but his phone ringing loudly with the little jingle reserved for one of his producer buddies stops the conversation in its tracks. You take this as a moment to shoo him out your place before your head explodes. Yoongi looks conflicted, he truly does. Still, he answers the call dutifully and gives a few affirmative words to assure that he is going to be at the studio soon and is ready to work. The call is short, but the mood is still tense like an angry, trapped breath.
âI have, like, 5 more minutes before I have to goââ
âYou know what? Never mind. Youâre clearly busy with studio stuff and Iâm...busy too.â
With steely eyes, you take the clothes he was trying to help you with and add them to your own pile. He picks up the few things he brought with him in his brief visit and eyes you like he wants to say more. His gaze lingers over the sides of your face like a regretful touch and you turn to the side to shrug it off.
Another beep from his phone shatters the gossamer thin atmosphere further. He sighs and pulls his phone back out before hunching his shoulders.
âCan I use your laptop to check my email really quickly before I go? They just sent me a file and I canât open it on myââ
âYeah, yeah, just take it with you. I donât need it,â you cut him off and wave a hand in the direction of your computer.
He looks almost upset when he gathers your laptop in his arms with the rest of his things, but doesnât push the issue any further. The air is too tight for anything, even a genuine goodbye. Your throat is sore with oncoming angry tears and you just want him out.
The door shuts behind him softly, in place of the usual goodbye kiss. You wait until you know heâs gone let it all out.
***
Yoongi opens your laptop when heâs in the back of the car taking him to the studio. It takes him a minute to remember your password, but he logs on with minimal difficulty and the last thing you were looking at pops up obediently.
The rest of your break from work passes without a visit from Yoongi again. Itâs not a coincidence. Itâs because you turned your phone off for 48 hours and even after you turn it back on, you mute all other notifications and only look at it to check your work email and tell your friends that youâre âunplugging for a bitâ.
In that time, you get all your clothes sorted. You burn through an entire fitness-based podcast series. Â You declutter your whole apartment. But thereâs still an unpleasant buzzing under your skin that doesnât go away. Even with the reintroduction of at-home cardio and the shady water fast you did that promised a lifted mood and a loss of 2 pounds.
Then youâre home from work one day, and you find yourself pacing all around the rooms of your place. Youâre fed up with bottling things up, but you donât know what to do with this knowledge. Yes, itâs nice to realize that everything youâd been chasing wasnât worth the torture you put yourself through, but you canât seem to get any further. So you try baking. And when that doesnât put you at ease immediately, you break down and call Yoongi.
Yoongi picks up immediately. Part of you is surprised because heâs been working on new mixtape stuff and when that happens heâs usually unreachable. But another part of you isnât surprised because, to him, you dropped off the face of the earth after a near-argument and heâs still technically on break from promotions for a little while longer. Thereâs no reason not to be answering the phone. In spite of all this, his tone is a tentative mix of concern and relief that has you blinking in confusion before curtly telling him you wanted to talk at your place.
He arrives in a defensive cocoon of layers and squared off features. Only one of the two he sheds at the coat rack by your front door before going to find you in the kitchen, just finishing shoving dozens of muffins into the oven.
âHey,â he says after clearing his throat to make his presence known.
âHey.â You turn around and remove the oven mitts youâre wearing. âWe need to talk about some things.â
âI know,â he chuckles humorlessly. âI saw that shit on your computer.â
Your brow furrows in thought as you recall the last thing you used your laptop for. Recollection comes eventually. Briefly you wonder if Yoongi read past the top comments. If he gave into the urge to comb through every single one to satisfy morbid curiosity. You nod.
âIt definitely has to do with that.â
âFuck what those people are saying. You donât need to change or toâto keep an inspiration pile.â
At that, you groan. Your fingers tap on the countertop impatiently. âCan you please stop saying stuff like that?â
âWhat? That youâre perfect the way you are?â He spits.
âYes.â
âWhy?â
âBecause itâs not true.â
âWhy wouldnât it be true?â
Frustrated tears well up in the corners of your eyes because while you get that this isnât an issue heâd ever have to worry about, part of you still donât understand how he doesnât get it. Heâs trying so hard to be a good, romantic boyfriend that he doesnât even see how much he misses. Itâs supposed to be comforting, youâre sure, but it only infuriates you.
âBecause I donât fucking match you like this!â
He jumps at the sound of your raised voice, eyes wide. âMatch me? What the hell?â
âYou heard me,â you mumble.
âYeah, I fucking heard you, but it still doesnât make any sense. Youâre not signed to some stupid contract, youâre not mandated to do anything with your body.â
âHavenât I, though? I signed that fucking non-disclosure agreement after all. And I get a fucking angry call from your PR agents every time I show up in your pap photos, even though my face is never in them.â At this point youâre pacing again. This time itâs in tight circles in front of your fridge. âYou said it yourself, you saw those awful comments. You saw how mad people get when I donât show myself in just the right way. Those fans ripped me apart, Yoongi.â Your voice cracks and you curse yourself for being an angry crier. Crossing your arms around yourself, you try your best to beat back the tears.
âSo youâre going to let a few fans tell you how to feel?â
âA few fans?â Youâre close to laughter. âTry six hundred comments on one photo. Six hundred comments about the person who isnât even the celebrity. And then multiply that by the number of times someoneâs caught me at an unflattering angle or when I was bloating or when I started gaining weight back for real. Do the fucking math, Yoongi.â
That shuts him down instantly. Immediately worry replaces the incredulity. âIâhow many times has this happened? Is this not the first time?â
You sigh at his ignorance. âNo, but this is first time I was dumb enough to read the comments.â
âWhy didnât you say anything the first time something like this happened?â Yoongiâs face is full of distraught guilt. Itâs hard for you to look at.
âWhat do you want me to say? Did you really want to hear me say all this stuff about some of your fans? These are people that love you. And you love them.â
âI love you, too. You know that,â he whispers, voice raw with emotion.
You can only sigh again because you do know. He does love you. He loves you perhaps too much. At this point, it seems like heâs so infatuated with you that he canât fathom that people would have issues with you. But heâs also so in love with his career that you donât have the heart to show him the things youâre facing. The dissonance would be too much to add to his already-full plate. And knowing Yoongi, he might do something stupid and get himself in trouble with his own fans. Youâd hate to be the cause of something like that in his career.
The oven beeps and you use that as an excuse to escape the way his eyes shine as he contemplates just how much he wasnât aware of until now.
He leans on the doorframe to watch you pull out the muffins from the oven and drop them unceremoniously onto the stovetop. The muffins are perfectly golden-brown and give off a warm, sweet scent that fills the kitchen quickly. You stand silent with your back to him, shoulders rising with the careful breaths youâre forcing yourself to take.
âDo you still love me,â his voice is small when it floats over to you.
âUghh,â you claw at your face with your oven mitts. âOf course I do. I wouldnât have asked you over if I didnât. But...you have to understand that this is hard for me.â
âAnd what is âthisâ?
You turn and lean back against the counter, gesturing vaguely with a gloved hand. âThis idol thing.â He tilts his head, not understanding. âI just mean that you have this amazing image because youâre out in the spotlight and I donât want to sully that for you by...not looking like I should.â
âWhy do you care about what other people think so much?â
âThatâs so easy for you to say when people love you and you look like that. Itâs different for regular people.â Your voice cracks once more as the shine lighting up your eyes breaks and runs down your cheeks. âItâs different because Iâm already not deserving of you in their eyes. I canât be regular and not look perfect.â
His hard demeanor softens at the sound of your sniffles and he comes to pull you into his chest, smoothing over your back. âBaby, thereâs nothing wrong with the way you look.â
âI know that,â you sob. âI know that thereâs nothing wrong with me, but youâve seen what people say on those stupid forums. No amount of self-confidence could protect anyone from that shit.â
âCan I ask you something,â he says softly after a few aching moments of listening to you try to rein in your breathing.
âY-yeah.â
âWho are the most important people in your life?â
âHuh?â You look up at him with watery lashes and he wonders how you could ever find fault with what you see in the mirror.
âWhose opinion matters to you most?â
âI donât know,â you rub wet cheeks against the fabric of his top and think. âMy boss since he pays me, obviously. And coworkers, I guess. My friends, definitely. My family, although theyâre pretty easy to ignore.â He snorts. âA-and you,â you add on at the end hastily.
He gives you a sad smile when you look up at him. âWhat about you?â
âWhat about me?â
âI mean...doesnât how you feel matter? You just listed a bunch of other people.â
âOf course what I feel matters,â you say suddenly. You push back from him to clear your head. The tears have stopped flowing, though your cheeks are still wet. âI just canât go through the world only ever hearing or caring about what I think. But I like myself, Yoongi.â
He nods seriously.
âEven if it doesnât seem like it because Iâm shy sometimes, or quiet. I like myself. But it still hurts to have people tell me they think I shouldnât. Iâm not the type of person who doesnât react when people attempt to hurt me. Thatâs the part that hurts the most, I think. Knowing that it was their goal all along.â
âI get that. Or,â He purses his lips, âI think I do. I want to get it, anyway.â
You give him a weak smile because heâs cute, even in moments like this.
He squeezes your hand before bringing it to his lips. Itâs not quite a kiss, just him brushing his lips against your skin while he talks. âBut I still want to be there for you. And I hate that I could only guess when you were hurting.â
âI should have told you, but I was embarrassed.â
âWhy would you be embarrassed?â He moves back to pull up a chair at your dining room table. His gaze is genuine and engaged as he looks to you for an answer.
âIâve been dieting since the company approved us dating privately. This is the first time Iâve been...normal around you. I was worried youâd have this epiphany. That Iâm not who you thought I was.â
âDo you remember the first night we met,â he asks all of the sudden.
âYeah? You came to visit me at work and freaked my supervisor out. She still has that napkin you autographed.â
âThatâs not the first night we met,â he shakes his head and chuckles. âWe first met at my party. The one your cousin brought you to.â
âOh, god. I hardly remember that, I was so drunk. I think I blocked it out.â
âYou looked like this back then,â he smiles softly at you, memories of that night settling over the surroundings as they play out in front of him.
âYeah, I know,â you nod softly, eyes averted.
âAnd you were so pretty that night too.â His gaze turns slightly salacious. âIn that little shiny dress you woreâwhat ever happened to that?â
âYouâre dumb,â you shove him with a simpering smile. He merely grins before pulling you slightly closer towards where heâs seated at the kitchen table.
âYou still have it?â
âOh my god, leave me alone.â
He leans into your space, making you duck your head to hide the way your cheeks flare up at his personal attention. Seeing you like this makes something coil in his belly. In due time, he thinks as he backs off. In due time, heâll really give it to you. But in the meantime he behaves and doesnât do anything more than intertwine your fingers together.
âIâm donating the clothes from the inspiration bag,â you mumble into his hair.
He pulls back and is careful to keep his face neutral. âYeah?â
âI did a lot of thinking. And I realized that I donât think I can say I really like myself if I keep forcing myself into this...mold.â
His brows furrow, lips pouting prettily as he focuses on following your train of thought. âSo, what does that mean now?â
âSo, this is me. For a long time probably, unless something major happens. Iâm telling you so it can sink in. This is your out.â
âOkay,â he stands up from his chair slowly. Large, warm hands come to cup your face tenderly. âAnd this is me telling you I donât want an out.â
âOkay,â you breathe out a sigh of relief so deep you donât know where it came from.
âGlad that much is worked out,â he says before planting a sweet kiss on your cheek. âHey.â
âWhat?â
âCan I have a muffin?â
You roll your eyes but go and get a plate from the cabinet. He watches you carefully as you hesitate at the oven before gingerly putting two muffins on the plate. When you return to the table, you mumble something about just wanting to see if they came out good and he doesnât say anything. Instead, he takes a bite of one of your rare instances of culinary genius. He lets out a moan that makes your eyes widen and you take a bite before nodding to yourself.
âJust open a bakery already,â he says with a semi-full mouth and reaches out with grabby hands until you get the message to leave your chair. He pulls you into his lap and you try not to feel too self-conscious as you settle your thighs on top of his own. His hand lands on top of your lap casually, large hands splaying out on top to squeeze affectionately at the softness he finds there.
You worry youâre cutting off the blood supply to his legs but he sits happily with you in his lap and even kicks a little rhythm out while finishing his muffin. You get up and he snags the untouched part of your muffin before pulling his phone out of his pocket.
Thereâs a stream of messages in the group chat asking about his whereabouts and what he wants to do tonight. He answers that heâs with you and the other members all complain about how long itâs been since you visited them. Jungkook even tells Yoongi to bring you over to his place since theyâre having a small kickback with just themselves and your post-break workload is still light. He purses his lips and asks for a raincheck, not wanting to push you into being on just yet.
***
A few days pass and the messages get more and more annoying as the other members whine about not having seen neither Yoongi nor you in far too long. So during one of the last days of their break, while heâs trying to dictate a cookie recipe to you, he breaks down at the 13th ping from his phone in a short period.
âDo you want to come hang out with me and the guys tonight?â
Normally if youâre invited over, you jump at the chance because you love getting out of your apartment and you like seeing Yoongi in his element with the people heâs closest to. But you donât jump on the invitation now because itâs been so long since you last saw the guys and you know that you looked different then.
âI donât know,â you fold toasted almonds into the cookie dough.
âWhy not?â
âYou know why,â you sigh. âAnd as nice as they are, I donât really want to deal with the âdid you do something with your hairâ or âwow you look so differentâ comments.â
âTheyâre not gonna say that, theyâre not total assholes. Look, if anyone says or does anything stupid, Iâll rip them a new one and take you back here.â
You purse your lips while you think it over. âAnd then will you stay the night?â
âIf something stupid happens, Iâll cancel my studio appointment and stay over,â he smiles at you, eyes crinkling. âIâll tell them weâre on our way now.â
âI canât leave now,â your hands flutter up as you go from 0 to 60. âIâm a mess, I need toââ
âItâs just the guys. Thereâs literally no one there worth impressing. I would know.â
âFine,â you groan. âJust let me change. Iâm covered in flour.â
In your room, you find yourself unsure of what to put on. You no longer have any of the clothes you used to wear when you needed to feel like you objectively looked good. But you do have the gorgeous leggings Yoongi gifted you. You switch out your current shirt for a cleaner one and slip on a pair youâve become obsessed with.
Yoongi punches in the code to the front door of Jungkookâs apartment while you hold the tin of cookies you made. Your fingers slip against the container due to having grown a bit clammy on the ride over. It took a heinous amount of time to wrap them in a way that would keep them warm all during the ride across the city. And now youâre nervous despite the fact that Yoongi sensed it in the car and hurled reassurance after reassurance at you.
But when Namjoon pulls the door open and greets both of you with a smile and a hug and no weird looks, you let out a tiny sigh of relief.
The guys crowd around you after Yoongi announces that you baked. Hoseok mumbles to himself about Yoongi hiding you purposefully so he could hoard your baking and takes two cookies for good measure. Jungkook says thank you politely before splitting one with Jimin. Taehyung takes two for himself and Namjoon and tells you âwelcome backâ. While the rest of the members snack, you count off the remaining sweets in the container and realize you didnât give any to Jin.
The oldest member is standing in the hallway, drinking from a glass of water and scrolling through his phone when you find him. He must not have gotten the memo that you arrived, so you make your presence known by softly clearing your throat.
âLong time no see,â you smile at Jin.
He peers at you over the rim of his glass for a few long beats and you work to keep your smile natural. You canât help but worry that heâs looking at the way youâve has changed since he last saw you, chiseling away at the outside to see the familiar you he knows underneath.
âI guess it has been,â he finally says when he drains his glass. He leans back to rest his back on the wall. âWhatcha got there?â
âOh, um, theyâre just some cookies I made today. Yoongi had been bugging me about making them and I gave some to the others. I just thought Iâd see if you wanted any.â
âIâve always liked your baking.â He reaches out and plucks a cookie from the tin. A second later half of the cookie is gone. He chews thoughtfully.
âThis is a new recipe, so I donât know if itâs as good as it could be. I havenât had much time for experimenting in the kitchen with work up until now so they might beââ
âI can only imagine how good they were when they first came out of the oven,â he finishes the rest and cuts your rambling off.
You stand there, oddly nervous, while he chews. When he finishes, he watches you fiddle with the lid so the cookies donât get stale.
âSomethingâs changed about you,â Jin says finally, his eyes moving from your hair to your toes. You nearly drop the tin in your fumbling, and cringe from both the comment and your clumsiness.
âYeah, I... gained some weight recently,â you blurt out in the hopes that itâll be less uncomfortable if youâre the one to say it. But itâs not.
âHmm,â Jinâs eyes rove over you more thoroughly, making you stand ramrod straight. âI donât think thatâs it. Itâs something else, I think.â
âOh. Well I donât know, then.â
âWhatâs going on,â Yoongiâs voice creeps into the mix.
When you turn your head, youâre greeted with the sight of Yoongi in the doorway. He looks comfortably settled against the doorframe, like heâs been there for a while. His gaze isnât directed at you, but at Jin, you realize. A quick glance back shows that theyâre both looking at one another.
âNothing. We were just talking.â Jin shrugs before walking over to you. A hand on the small of your back brings you with him and up to Yoongi.
Yoongi fixes Jin with a narrowed stare. âThe guys were wondering where you both were. They want to play a game together.â
âWe were here. No need to worry about us.â
âWell, why donât you go in and tell them that? Iâm gonna speak with my girlfriend.â
Jin gives him an amused smile before giving you a two-fingered captainâs salute and heading to the living room. It might have seemed dorky if anyone had done it, but you marvel over how cool he makes the gesture look. Yoongi turns to you then and takes in your distant expression.
âHe didnât say or do anything to make you uncomfortable, did he? Jin sometimes is a total asshole.â
âNo, heâwell, he said I looked different.â
âDo you want me to beat him up,â he steps forward to rest his hands on your shoulders. âBecause I can, just say the word.â
âItâs really okay. He said it wasnât just the weight. That it was something else.â
Yoongiâs lips thin as he tries to look for some other message in your words. âI donât know what the hell that means.â
âIt probably didnât mean anything bad. Just let it go.â
Yoongi nods but takes both your hands in his to kiss them. You lead the way to the living room, feeling a little more like you can handle the night. Thereâs not much space with all seven members and you. You end up seated away from Yoongi, on the couch between Jungkook and Jin.
Somehow you get roped into playing some Mario game with two teams. You donât know anything about video games, but you listen to Jungkookâs instructions carefully when you get one of the controllers because heâs one of your teammates. Youâre not very good, though. Jin, your team captain, eventually has to maneuver his hands over yours so your character does the right thing.
âYou sure you didnât change your makeup style or something,â Jin asks during one of the rounds where youâre supposed to be playing against Hoseok.
The question takes you by surprise and you turn toward the sound of his voice only to realize just how close he is when heâs acting as a gaming coach of sorts.
âUh, no. Why?â
âDunno,â he doesnât look at you while he converses with you. Heâs watching the screen with a hawk-like focus. âYou just look prettier than I remember.â
You stutter around nothing, not sure what to say. In the end you settle for saying nothing, though you do spare Yoongi a glance. His gaze must have already been directed at you because you make eye contact immediately. Knowing that heâs probably just making sure youâre having an okay time, you give him a thumbs up and attempt to make Kirby spin on the large screen in front of you.
The night stays that same level of odd. No one else does anything out of the ordinary, barring Jin. Heâs strangely attentive even after you get the hang of playing enough to take full control of the controller. After that point, he still slings an arm across the back of the couch, which makes full contact with your shoulders because of how tightly packed you all are on the couch. And when he wants your attention, he makes a habit of brushing his hand down your arm and sometimes leaving it there.
You figure you just donât spend enough time with Jin to get used to him. But youâve seen enough interactions between him and the younger members to know how touchy-feely they are with each other. Maybe youâre just enough of an extension of Yoongi to be included in that touching. So you try your hardest not to question it. Itâs just nice to know you've been accepted that much and you start to lean into the touch like you would with your own friends.
Soon enough youâre taking part in the high fives that melt into hand holding when you score a goal.
âQuite a feat for a beginnerâ, Jin tells you.
Yoongi watches from across the room as your face lights up once again from Jinâs praise. You look like youâre having wholesome fun and the urge to interrupt that is what kills him. But what kills him more is the way Jinâs thumb strokes gently against the curve of your flank as he gestures to something on the screen while Jungkook takes a turn with the controller.
He didnât think he was the jealous type, but when Taehyung orders pizza one painful hour later, Yoongiâs come to the realization that heâs much more selfish than he knew. Jin whines until you let him feed you a bite of the pepperoni pizza on his plate, knowing youâre too nice to say no. You think this is run of the mill behavior, but even Jimin raises his eyebrows at the display before peering at Yoongiâs furious profile.
The last straw, though, is when Jin wipes a trickle of grease from the corner of your mouth and waits until youâve turned your head to say something to Jungkook before sucking the residue off. At that, Yoongi stands up abruptly, nearly toppling over the empty box that was near his knees.
âItâs getting late,â he answers the curious stares watching him trudge over to you. âWe should head out now if we still want to get back to your place at a decent hour.â
âOh,â your eyes are wide, âYou donât have to. I know you wanted to do your thing in the studio tomorrow. I should be fine on my own,â you hint back to the promise he made to stay over if the night was a bust.
âI changed my plans already, so Iâll go later in the week. Come on, letâs call a car and go.â
âI can drive you guys. I brought my car,â Jin offers suddenly. His arm is back to resting behind your shoulders. And because his fingers are close enough to graze your shoulder, they do.
âYou really donât have to,â Yoongi bites out. His stare is potent with silent accusation.
âYoongi, why not? Jinâs place is across the bridge from mine. It actually makes some sense, and I was getting kinda tired. If we wait for a car, I might not be able to get up early enough to go to that brunch spot you mentioned.â
âSounds like a plan,â Jin claps his hands with finality and gets up from the couch before extending his hand out to you. Much to Yoongiâs chagrin, you take his hand like itâs a genuine gesture of chivalry.
Jin somehow manages to get you to sit up in the passengerâs seat with him, leaving Yoongi to fume in the backseat. Occasionally Jinâs eyes will meet his in the rear view mirror and theyâll crinkle with impish amusement before returning to caressing your silhouette.
âSo,â Jin says once he gets on the freeway. âIs our Yoongi treating you good?â
You laugh because you donât see the game at play. âOf course he is. Heâs the best boyfriend I could have asked for.â Yoongiâs resolve softens momentarily at your sincere tone. âI love him, even when he gets weird like tonight.â That comment has Jin cackling.
âYou know,â he says once his laughter dwindles down, âI actually had the flu the day of Yoongiâs party. The day you guys met.â
âThat explains why I didnât actually see you there. I remember everyone else being there, though.â You gaze wistfully out the window. âI was too shy to talk to any of you guys then.â
âThatâs okay. If I had been there, I would have talked to you.â
âThat would have been a fun night, I bet.â
âYeah,â he makes sure Yoongiâs looking in the rearview mirror. âWho knows how close weâd be today if I hadnât gotten sick.â
Yoongiâs cheek nearly bleeds with force of his teeth gnawing on the inside. If he could, heâd reach forward and throttle Jin. But heâs driving so thatâs not an option.
The torture doesnât last much longer because about 10 minutes later youâre directing Jin to the parking garage of your apartment complex. The goodbyes are annoyingly drawn out and Jin manages to invite himself to brunch the next morning. All the while, Yoongi stands behind you, dying to get inside and away from the eldest member.
Finally, the door gets slammed shut before Jin can say something stupid about seeing you both tomorrow. Yoongi gives the door a smug look and then turns to catch a flash of your eyebrows raised in amusement. His eyes narrow and he approaches you slowly as you shrug off your layers in an almost too mundane way.
âWhatâs so funny,â he drawls. He attempts to peer at your face only for you to keep whipping it away every time he gets too close.
âNothing,â you turn and give him your back while you smooth over your already made bed. âItâs just interesting watching you with Jin. I never really get to see you guys together.â
âWhatâs interesting about it?â
Yoongi starts unbuttoning his own outer layers with painstaking care, giving you ample time to twitch under the weight of his gaze. You fight to keep a smile from sneaking onto your face, but itâs too hard and you let your lips turn up in a little grin. He canât see it, but he can hear it in your voice.
âYouâre just cute when youâre mad.â
A muscle in Yoongiâs jaw jumps.
âYou noticed that I was mad, huh?â He shirks off his jacket roughly, sulking in his subtle way. Luckilyâor perhaps not luckilyâyouâve come to recognize it well.
âI did.â Your voice is high and steady as you remove your sweater, leaving you in a soft and worn t-shirt. âIâll admit it was entertaining. A little bit.â
âIs that so?â He hums.
âI mean, I don't know what you were mad about. But I could tell it wasnât about something serious.â
He merely nods and watches you fidget. You peer at him through the side of your eye and see him meticulously undoing the clasp of his watch. From the way he moves slowly through the process of undressing for bed, you can tell somethingâs coming.
âLet me ask you something, then.â
âO-okay.â
âIs Jin still your favorite?â
âAre you kidding?â
You have to stop hunting for pajamas at your dresser and turn to him to see if heâs in fact kidding. But he looks dangerously serious, and you have to fight to keep your eyes from rolling.
âThatâs what this is about? All this sulky Yoongi is because of that?â
âJust answer the question,â he shrugs his shoulders lightly.
Supposedly heâs calm and collected and not jealous, but his eyes are sharp as they zero in on you. Easily, he pushes himself off the wall he was leaning on. The steps he takes toward you are measured and slow. You still find yourself holding your breath as he comes to sit benignly on the bed across from you. Itâs something he does sometimes when youâre getting dressed or undressed. Because âhe likes the viewâ, he usually says. But tonight it makes you grab the first thing that you find out of your pajama drawer so youâre not leaving your back vulnerable.
âOf course heâs not my favorite anymore. I havenât felt that way since before we got together.â
âI was just wondering.â
âYoongi,â you sigh and pull the old t-shirt off to replace it with a sleep shirt. âWhen you asked me who my favorite was half a year ago I didnât realize you were flirting with me. And I didnât really know much about the group either.â
He nods like he thinks what youâve said is completely reasonable and you stuff your legs through some of your yoga pants roughly. When you finish, youâre still standing defensively on the other side of the room. He looks up at you and beckons you over without a word. You feel compelled to move forward. Unsure of what would happen if you didnât humor him.
When youâre finally approaching the V of his parted legs, he motions for you to sit next to him on the bed. You do.
âYou know,â he begins slowly, âYou looked like you were having a great time tonight.â
âOh,â you blink. âYeah, I was having fun. Even though it took a while for me to win a round. And even then I think Hoseok might have let me win.â
âWas Jin a good teacher?â
âYeah, he was a good teacher.â
âI bet he was. He had a good student. He looked like he was enjoying himself.â
âMaybe,â you tap your finger on your chin pensively. âIt didnât seem like he hated having to show me how to play.â
âNo, trust me, he was enjoying it.â Yoongiâs tone dips audibly, and you stop yourself when you realize what heâs implying.
âGod, Yoongi, stop it. It wasnât like that. He was just being nice.â
âIâve known Jin a long time. I know what he looks like when heâs flirting. It started as soon as you walked through the door.â
âThatâs crazy,â you mumble. But then you think of all the lingering touches and glances again and it clicks. âHe...he was probably just trying to rile you up. Jin likes to mess with people sometimes. Youâre always saying that.â
Yoongi pins you with an odd look. Itâs partly amused, partly pitying. Then it turns cold. âYou know, Jinâs been sweet on you since I first introduced you. The first night you met, he told me he used to date someone who looked a bit like you when he was younger, before debuting.â
âOh my god,â you whisper again.
âYou really didnât know?â Yoongi leans in so the words practically brush against the skin of your cheek. âHe was shoving himself all over you the whole night and you didnât notice?â
You shake your head, at a loss for words. His hand finds its way to your opposite arm, pulling you closer to him.
âHmm,â he hums in acknowledgment.
Then Yoongiâs lips are pressing gently to the skin of your neck. Thereâs a hint of something in the kisses that makes them feel a bit too heated to be chaste. At first you think itâs gratitude, but when you turn your head to meet his lips with your own, itâs clear that itâs not just that. His tongue snakes in between your lips, and you let it happen as you turn the eveningâs events over in your memory.
âYoongi,â you whisper between kisses.
âHmm?â His large hands are splayed low over the swell of your back, a pinky finger just barely dipping under the waistband of your pants.
âI think I did know.â
âHuh?â
âI think as soon as he said that thing in the carâabout being in your placeâI knew he wasnât just being friendly anymore.â
âYeah?â he mumbles against your lips.
Taking you by surprise, he pushes deeper into your mouth until heâs stealing your breath. His lips are plush but insistent. And youâre conflicted. But suddenly heâs pulling away with a damp mouth and a firm grasp on your hip.
âYou knew and made me sit through all that and then invited him to brunch in front of me?â He nips at your lax mouth. âThatâs not very nice.â
âI know,â you sigh.
âDonât you think you should be punished, then?â When you pull away looking like heâs grown a second head, he shrugs mildly and like he didnât just threaten to take you over his knee. âOr not. Your choice.â
@seventeenthingsblr: can you do 38 and 8 with Yoongi for the angst plots please?? Thank you!!
I see you, bub. đ Here ya go! Hope you enjoy this lil blurb. added a keep reading tag!
âIâm never letting you go.â + âAll I wanted was for you to be happy.â with Yoongi.
Genre; relationship!au, badboy(?)!yoongi, BIG angst, fluff.
Warnings; mention of alcohol and smoking, cursing.
Word count; 1.4K
++
âNo new messages.â Your phone screen read before youâre tossing the clump of metal to the floor.
âY/nieee,â Somi droned, her voice reeking of annoyance. She then flopped her petite body next to yours on the mattress of your bed âAre you done sulking over a boy now?â Missing your usually outgoing and talkative self, she pouted. âI wanna hang out with you so bad.â
âHeâs been ignoring me for a week now.â You muffled through the pillow concealing your face, each word coming out inaudible. âI donât know what I did wrongâ Your sniffles were barely muted by fabric.
âMaybe itâs what you didnât do.â She brooded sarcastically, yanking the rectangular plush off of you and chucking it to the other side of the room. She brattier that usual, you think.
âWhat?â Your blood shot eyes squinted at the abrupt exposure to the florescent light on your ceiling. Nose equally red and lips disgusting chapped.
âMaybe it is you, maybe you did something that ticked him off. Maybe he found you annoying and decided to ghost you. Maybe he doesnât like you anymore. Who knows?â
âOkay, stop. Youâre not helping.â Your worry lines started to show as your eyebrows knit together, not liking her current attitude. A sour grimace imprinted on your face. âLike, at all.â
âUghââ She frustratingly mewled, suddenly pouncing on top of you like a lioness striking its prey. Caging you between her arms that were currently pushing and fisting at the bed sheet where you laid flat. âLetâs go out. Jinâs hosting a party tonight. Thatâll definitely get you mind off of Yoongi.â
"No.â Your voice was stern and unyielding, reinforced with your incorruptible resolve to stay in bed all day long.
âPlease, Y/n! I swear itâll be fun!â
You pushed her hovering frame and quickly cocooned yourself with the thick comforter, tucking in the edges and shielding yourself from her incoming attacks. It was essentially a game of  tug of war now, with Somi giving it her all. You were wrong to underestimate her strength because now the two of you were laughing uncontrollably at the tangled position youâve put yourselves into.
Knowing Somi, sheâd saved the best for last. With her wild puppy-dog eyes focused on you, she was soliciting her desired answer from you like a seasoned haggler. Whenever sheâd put on that face, you knew you were screwed.
You sighed as a sign of surrender, âFine.â
Her eyes lit up exponentially while a wide grin cuts from ear to ear. âIâm picking your dress and doing your make up.â
Ten minutes in and youâre already regretting your decision. Loud music rattling up entire house, dozens of people occupying the whole dance floor and couples two steps shy of fucking each other in the living room.
âI thought you said, this was going to be fun.â You say over the noise, âThe only thing this party is making me want to do is go home and sleep.â
Somi grabbed two red cups from the table of refreshments and shoved it in your hand. âGet some alcohol in your bloodstream. Itâll do you some good.â She winked.
You rolled your eyes to the side and recognize a familiar head of silvery hair. Could it be? No, it couldnât. But what if?
Your body began moving on autopilot, abandoning your friend behind and slipping past the sea of sweaty bodies to get to where the male silhouette was. You reached the end kitchen and caught a glimpse of the same boy puffing out smoke through his lips with a cigarette tucked between his fingers.
âY-Yoongi?â You were second guessing since you couldnât really tell if it was him by the way the smoke was still clouding over his face.
As the smog around him began to dissipate, his features were finally distinguishable.
âY/n? I didnât expect to see you here.â His cold facade never wavering even at the sight of you, you think.
You scoffed at his fine choice of words âSince when have you been expecting to see me?â Fury bubbled up your in your chest and your cheeks were set ablaze. You wanted to erupt like an angry volcano, spewing out lava and rocks everywhere, obliterating everything that crosses its path. âYouâre the one whoâs snubbing me! Iâve been wasting my time thinking about what I might have done wrong and youâre here at some wasted party enjoying your ass away while your girlfriend has been crippled by anxiety 'cause you canât give a damn about how she might be feeling.â There was a significant pause before you could compose yourself again after that horrible mental break down. People were already staring at the commotion youâve caused, and itâs time to wrap it up. Quick.
âAnd quite frankly,â You huffed, connecting you arms in front of your chest as you continued to speak, âI wasnât expecting to see you here either. Good bye, Min Yoongi.â You concluded that someone whoâd disregard you like without reason wasnât worth even one second of your time. You turned on your heel and faced him with your back, preparing to walk away.
Before you could split, Yoongiâs already gotten his hold on you and spins you around.
âY/n,â He looked at you with vulnerable eyes, his voice was the softest youâve heard from him. âHear me out, please. All I need is two minutes, let me explain.â
âYouâve got one.â The resonance of your voice was icy cold.
His Adamâs apple bobbed up and down, like he was swallowing a huge mass stuck in his throat. He was having second thoughts if he should say it or not but he pushes through, âYour parents talked to me. They said if I genuinely wanted whatâs best for you, I should break up with you and leave you alone.â
âAnd you decided this on your own without even consulting me?!â You were stunned at his confession, but the rage still empowered the initial shock. You knew from the start that your parents werenât quite fond of Yoongi, with his reputation and all. Though you didnât imagine theyâd go this far to ruin your relationship with a guy they know nothing about.
Under Yoongiâs hard and rigid exterior past all the scars and tattoos he had, hid a little boy whoâs just scared. A boy whoâd rather put up a tough face than convey his true emotions; a boy whoâd rather shoulder all the burden on his own than let the ones he loved suffer; and boy whoâd give up his own happiness just to see you smile. Yoongi was everything but what people perceived him to be.
Yoongi was your saving grace. He was your personal angel sent from heaven to make your miserable life more tolerable. Heâs that little tune youâd hum in your head when your nerves got you; heâs that soft blanket youâd drown yourself in when you wanted to hide from the world. And heâs the person youâd share your whole life with.
What you didnât understand was why he didnât tell you about it instead of making things more complicated. âDonât I have a say in this? Iâm one half of this relationship, Yoongi. Do I really mean that little to you?â You were on the brink of tears, the strain in your voice was a solid confirmation. You fought the sobs wanting to escape with the strength you had left.
âAll I wanted was for you to be happy.â His hand was starting to loose its grip on you, dropping weakly at his side. His eyes were heavy and swollen as he looked up at you. âAnd me? Iâm not good for you, y/n.â
âYou donât get to decide whatâs good for me. My parents donât get to decide whatâs good for me.â This time, you couldnât stop the wave of emotion washing over you like a massive tidal wave. Globules of the salty liquid started spilling from your ducts. You pressed forward into him and buried your face into his chest, his once dry shirt was now soaked with your tears and snot. âI do,â you sniffled, wrapping your arms around his torso. âI get to decide whatâs good for me, Yoongi.â
âIâm sorry, y/n.â With his voice hoarse and husky, he placed a chaste kiss atop your head. âThis time, Iâm never letting you go.â
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