Part of the "Learn About" series by Ignor Amos, YOGAP fact-checking specialist.

Learn About: Tierra Del Fuego

Part of the "Learn About" series by Ignor Amos, YOGAP fact-checking specialist.

Learn About: Sasparilla

Sasparilla is a small island nation off the coast of Iowa, and is famous for being the birth place of Abraham Lincoln's mentally handicapped cousin Stink N. Lincoln. The island, which floats three miles above Des Moines, was one of the first places in America to “go green,” and now gets all its electricity from genetically modified toads in water-filled glass jars.

A matriarchal communist country, Sasparilla's chief export is sex, which is mined in the island's many sex mines by minor miners. (In communist Sasparilla, sex has YOU!)

Part of the "Learn About" series by Ignor Amos, YOGAP fact-checking specialist.

Learn About: Donald Trump

Donald Trump is the name of a famous, hot, bisexual prostitute with a taste for raw beef and Muslim men. A native of Nevada, Ms. Trump was a nude model in her teenage years for a photographer named Mr. Don Von Elmo. The daughter of two lesbian women and a male goat in a polyamorous marriage, she currently works for no less than $500 per night. Donald Trump holds the Guinness world record for most sperm swallowed in ten years.

CRIME REPORT

Biloxi, Mississippi – A man was arrested today in Biloxi, Mississippi on the charge that he did willfully, and with intended malice, THINK FOR HIMSELF, an act that led him to question authority and the truth of the Bible. This malicious activity had been going on for some months already before it was discovered, and he might have gotten away for it if he had not asked his wife if she would consent to anal sex. She rightly reported him to the police straightaway. A secondary charge of “attempted buttsecks” (sic) was added to his list of charges. He has been preemptively charged without trial and will be executed by means of the Cruciatus Curse, followed by the Avada Kedavra.

Chicago, IL – An illegal drug smuggling ring was busted today as the result of a new experiment in smuggling. It seems that Columbian cocaine was being snuck into a secret facility in Canada, where it was being pressed into what appeared to be mozzarella cheese. The smugglers were busted when a new employee, unaware of the plot, opened one of the drug packages and used it to make pizzas. Everyone who ate at Papa Greasy's Pizza Shack in the last week will probably not be passing any drug tests anytime soon, and will no doubt be returning for a pizza “fix.” Temporary drug rehab clinics have already been set up in the area.

Portland, OR – After reporting a sighting of the famed Flying Spaghetti Monster, devout Pastafarian Lars A. Merci started throwing whole jalapeños at passers-by, screaming “The end is near! His Noodly Appendages will eat us all and wash us down with a tall glass of ice cold milk! Repent! Repent!” Mr. Merci was arrested for breaching the peace and for assault with peppers. 

Halifax, Canada – George Bernard Squaw, CEO of the tiny online merchant “E-Z De-Pimplers,” which sells only pimple-popping mechanisms, was convicted yesterday for embezzling $4.32 Canadian over the course of two years. Mr. Squaw, who acted as his own lawyer, was also charged with contempt of court for trying to argue his case using only charades.

The following is a list of features that will hopefully be regular:

Zoey Xylophone's Zoological report

Discordian Horrorscopes

Admiral Cadaver's "How To" Corner

The "Learn About..." series by Ignor Amos

Hiroshima Sakisaki's travel report

Celebrity Interview by Vick Shunnel

Susan Sporktwiddler's Safety Tips

Religion News

Science News

Weather