#ylttl

I find myself really missing Your Look, Through This Lens. I don't know what it is. Something about YLTTL sustained me, and even though I finished my very long footy fic, I really ache to write something even more moody and tense and (dare say) sad.

When I look back on YLTTL, I remember how patient I was with myself. I don't have that patience right now. I just want to dive into a very deep sea of melancholia and nostalgia and sadness and drift and see where it takes me.

On the other end, I also miss YLTTL because I was writing for someone important to me and I'd like to do that again. I'd like to write towards something. (I could just be gaslighting myself though. I've yet to reread and edit YLTTL despite finishing it so long ago.)

I've been thinking a lot about grief over this past year. All the grief I carry. All the grief I've learned to let go. The grief in current events and missed chances and the grief of every day life when you realize someone who wasn't all that important was actually so significant, so engrained in your routine, that you're left obliterated.

I was gonna keep this secret until it was finished but it sounded like maybe you're in need of some good things to start the year, so I hope this is a good thing. Your Look, Through This Lens is one of my all time favorite fics. Not even just for KimChay, it's really one of the best things I've ever read. It's so beautifully done, and absolutely devastating. Of course after reading it I had to go through your entire profile to find even more things to adore. But YLTSL will always have a special place in my heart. I love the way that it opens, with Chay, and the reader, already knowing how it's going to end.

I just wanted to share some love. I hope 2024 is kind to you <3

Oh my god, I am actually speechless right now AHDSJHSKJSF

I'm pulling out my hair I've collapsed onto the floor what are you DOING TO ME I AM GOING TO SHAKE YOU (so lovingly!!!)

fsdfhk fh okay well one, first, to begin, thank you for loving on YLTTL so much, to the point where you've drawn something. My whole body is shaking while looking at this. Chay's expression has me in tears. I know this "unfinished" as you've said but you've captured his melancholy so well here. The lowered camera is such a nice touch because he's so captivated by Kim and maybe even WIK. This is so beautiful. Even if you never finish it, this is so very special and beautiful and meaningful to me. You've brought this version of Chay to life. I am in awe.

Second, to hear YLTTL is one of your favorite fics has me weak; thank you for your kind words, especially since you're an incredible writer yourself. YLTTL was a story that made me take a lot of risks but to know that you still read through it all, enjoyed it, and hold it close, is everything to me.

Ahhh hello friend ^.^ Thank you for thinking of me!!

My favorite five fics I've written, in no particular order:

Still Painting Flowers for You (KinnPorsche, Tankhun & Pete, T) I really like this story because I don't think Tankhun and Pete's dynamic is explored enough in canon. Pete implies that guarding Tankhun is odd, but I can't imagine Tankhun would put up with a guard he doesn't like. It was nice to explore how they might have bonded through trauma and nail polish.

Your Look, Through This Lens (KinnPorsche, Kim/Chay, E) Sort of self-explanatory. I like thinking about Chay and how he's had to mature so quickly due to his upbringing with Porsche. I think YLTTL is an example of Chay trying to be alone and mature because he's 18, working to get out of poverty, trying to fulfill a dream his parents had, but also that teenage impulse to follow your heart over your brain. Over a year since this story has been completed and while it's not my best work, I think it's definitely the best gift I've ever given someone.

Roses, Cold. Roses, Sold Out (KinnPorsche, Vegas/Pete, T) I just really love my short fics haha. I think they do the best job in capturing what sort of writing I am. I love thinking about Pete and Vegas interacting with one another between what we're given in canon, and this is an example of that.

The Horror of Being Stuck in Traffic with Your Brother-in-Law (KinnPorsche, Pete & Macau, T) Macau is such an interesting character to me, and there's so much to explore with him. I'd like to think he and Pete have a rocky relationship first before he totally becomes attached to his brother in law.

Longing for the Shore (Football RPF, Unai Simon/Pedri Gonzalez, M) This is funny because I only started writing this story two weeks ago, but i'm already 25,000 words in and so attached to it. It's going to be another emotional blunder, in true Dawn fashion: falling in love, looking at the settings and factors that may keep two people apart when they want to be together. I'm also really lucky that Football RPF fans have been so helpful in the research for this fic. Writing this one is a lot of fun: more fun than I've had in weeks, if I'm honest.

“Big is there, though he is fixated on a lighter rather than what is being said. “

Does Chan fucking die??

Congratulations, I think you're the only person who caught this. (Also thank you for rereading???)

Yeah. Chan dies in YLTTL. Sorry about that. There's a deleted scene in YLTTL where Big gives Chay the code to Kim's apartment because after suffering loss himself, Big doesn't want Kim or Chay to experience that loss. I didn't fully flesh it out and in the end, I didn't think it would fit since Big and Chay only interacted for a few lines in the story. But you can read the draft of that scene here:

10:18AM

Why is this fucking House so big?

Chay looked all throughout what one of the guard’s called Kim’s wing. But by the state of it, no one has lived there in years. Now he’s looking through the wreckage of the second floor. Other guards try to stop him.

Like Big.

“P’Big-”

“Khun Porchay-”

The amazing and talented @/petalsatur on Twitter drew WIK and Porchay's soul crushing line for my KimChay FanFic "Your Look, Through This Lens."

Petal, thank you so much for making this for me. I am so happy YLTTL inspired you. I really am struck speechless.

Please also like/retweet her work here!

you said it is a hopeful ending, will there ever be a part two? a look into how kim is doing? i like to think of kim's album as kim's pov and that is enough for me, but would you ever add to the story if you get the chance?

Hello, hi, oh my goodness, thank you for taking the risk and giving Your Look, Through This Lens a chance. I do hope you reread it again because I still have no intention of reading it. X)

I honestly don't know if I'll add to YLTTL. Amelia had a visceral reaction to the story that resulted in me getting very long text messages and very loud voice mails. Writing more for YLTTL would, unfortunately, mean that I'd be putting me her through that. Again. Which I have no issues with, but if I go missing after publishing a part two, know that she's buried my body in a ditch somewhere.

In all seriousness, even if there is a part two, I don't think it would satisfy anyone because the story ends with Porchay knowing that as long as Kim isn't around, he is content as WIK, which I hope answers your question about how Kim is doing.

However, never say never. So if there is a part two, I will be sure to update the original fic. Whenever I talk with @petalsatur, I think of how she deserves a second part to YLTTL, so maybe one day, the brain cells will come together.