#yervoyfail

So much time has passed, and so much has happened!

Matt proposed in February 2017. I hoped it was coming though didn’t know when. The total shocker came shortly after he proposed, when he let me know he bought our first home! We had endlessly hoped that his dad would sell us the house, but I had no idea that time had come. You don’t know Matt, but I do. Taking on this task (a task I’d normally be the one to handle) speaks volumes as he doesn’t do well with this sort of thing. Even so, he shouldered the stress in between classes so I wouldn’t have to worry about it and he could surprise me. He wanted to make sure that I had one less thing to worry about since I still had to list my house and hope it sold quickly (which btw it did!).

Matt moved into our home at the end of March 2017. Max and I moved in towards the end of June. What has transpired since then? A real building, growing, cultivating and loving! Our hour commute to one another was long gone and we finally had an opportunity to coexist in the same space, uninterrupted. Everyone continued to ask me: sooooo, how is it adjusting to co-habitating? Instead of venting, I always find myself playing down how well it’s going since these people are - maybe - expecting me to validate their personal experiences. We’ve been lucky! Lucky, in that, we just.work. He quickly picks up on my need to decompress alone and do something meaningful for myself. He creates a space in which I can have that. He takes Max to the park, to walk the dog, on a long bike ride, to do something fun. And it goes both ways! When I see him unraveling, I suggest he go to the club, steam, go for a walk etc. Or I quiet Max down and try to engage him in something that doesn’t distract Matt from his work or practice. We both have the need to disengage, we both pick up on when the other is in need, and we both extend ourselves for the other because we see the value in it. Though we do have different recharging strategies and timelines ;) 

We’ve talked about how naturally it comes to us, and how much we’ve enjoyed being under the same roof-- building our forever “home” (both literally and figuratively). That being said, our new puppy has been a bit of a hangup! Though Matt’s idea (and let me just say: Matt doesn’t do ANYTHING without being sure of it), he’s found it to be challenging. Change has always taken him out of his comfort zone because it severs his routine --something he can control. We were in a good place, and sweet Winny uprooted that by being an untrained puppy. She made it difficult for any of us to regularly connect with one another, or as a family. In times of stress we’ve all gravitated towards what is immediately necessary: quiet time, alone time, free time. Or in Max’s case, I need attention so I’m going to bounce off of the walls in an effort to get it! 

When there’s not enough time to have both connecting and alone time, we go for what can provide the swiftest recharge. As a result of being a unit, none of us are at our best without the understanding, patience, lovingkindness...and ultimately, assistance, of the other members of our unit. Managing one’s solo life is often challenging in and of itself, but it doesn’t hold a torch to taking on other people you love, a home, a dog, a teaching career, a new project, and for me, owning and operating a business! To attempt this without being mindful of the other pieces of the puzzle would be a fruitless, exhausting effort, that I suspect would feel more like an obligation. 

Both Matt and I are in touch with what makes us the best we can be as individuals. We know what we need in order to prevent straying from our center, and to more easily find it when it’s slipped from our grasp a bit. What I think I’ve learned (will be forever-learning!) is that a family unit is no different. In order for the whole to function, we all need to function. It doesn’t have to be at top-notch speed and it doesn’t come without bending. It does, however, come with an invaluable purpose, rooted in something beautiful and loving. A purpose that can’t be realized on one’s own. A selfless (for the whole) and selfish (also for the whole!) loving that doesn’t exist outside of the unit. 

We are flawed individuals --all three of us. But we are also smart, intuitive, aware (even: aware of our unawareness!), mindful, thinkers and feelers who have the tools and capacity to continue to cultivate something amazing. From the beginning Matt and I have talked about doing a special kind of work, and we’re doing it! We’re in the thick of it and we’re making it happen. Sometimes with little-to-no effort, and sometimes with effort we didn’t know we had or how to access. And that is the special kind of work! The kind of work that allows for growth as individuals, as partners and as parents. To those who think it shouldn’t take work; it should be “easy peasy lemon squeezy” (as Max would say), then I say, enjoy existing comfortably in the same place you started out. I’m sure it’s a cozy, safe space to exist in...but did you know, there is a deeper, cozier, safer, more rewarding space if you just work at tending to it? You’ll likely get banged up along the way, dig deeper than you knew you could (thanks to the strength of a patient partner and the love you two share), challenge yourselves to be better people, partners, parents, workers and students. As a result, you’ll grow as people and so will your relationship. The tiny little seedling that took root so long ago will spread its roots, stand upright, and grow tall and strong. Yes, the elements will sometimes jostle it around and rough it up a little bit, but what’s under the ground: that will continue to hold it and feed it. 

Just in case you happen to need a visual!

My mama died 2 years ago. TWO. YEARS. How did this much time pass? I ask myself this a lot.

After my last meditation sit I found myself really thinking about how I’ve been waiting for enough time to pass. I just kept telling myself I’d be fine if I could just get through it; time heals, right? If enough time goes by: I’ll come out on the other side OK. Not where I was before, but OK. And all at once I found myself overwhelmed by the realization that there is NO finish line. I’ve been seeking the WRONG thing. And at first that was really debilitating. A punch to the gut: THIS IS NEVER GOING TO STOP. THIS IS NEVER GOING TO END. I’M BROKEN FOREVER. THIS IS MY LIFE NOW.

I wish there was an end; I wish I could say, ‘OK, it happened. She’s gone. I dealt with it. I’m OK’ and then go on with my life. I mean, in some ways I wish that’s how it would go...I DO want there to be an end to the pain of her absence...kind of. I say “kind of” because the less I feel, the more removed I feel from my mama. It’s my sadness that ties me to her; I can feel her in those moments. Maybe she’s with me because I’m sad? Or perhaps I’m more connected to my own emotions in those moments and therefore more connected to her? 

I don’t want to erase her or her memory, even though I know that to do so would mean peace for me. If there was a magic wand that could make that happen, I can say with confidence that I wouldn’t do it. In some ways I really want that “peace,” but for right now the need to be close to her and our memories outweighs the need to be free of the pain. There is a part of my process (and I’m not sure that it’s just “my” process) where I torture myself. I look at pictures. I play songs that make me feel connected to her...or even just to FEEL at all. 

I have accepted that she’s gone even if I don’t completely understand what that means. I understand that she’s not coming back. I get that my life is going on and mostly good is happening, and she’s not part of it; she’ll never witness it or my newfound happiness. I see it. I get it. I accept it.

The part of the process that I haven’t mounted is ‘letting go.’ I am - ABSOLUTELY - not ready to let go of my mama. And I’m beginning to realize that there is no way to move forward without letting go. But I just can’t. I don’t WANT to. I don’t want to be in that space where my life goes on without her weighty presence. That kind of life doesn’t make sense to me. If she can’t physically BE in my life, then I need to do it for her and keep her here. I need to indulge in pictures, music and memories. I need to feel. I need to cry.