#yearview

I'm inspired to write a post about my life of 2013, because a friend of mine just posted one. And because I'm finally zen enough to write one. 2013 was an incredible year of growth for me. it started good, inspired, because I just found out some incredible new info about the world, the piece of a puzzle which binded like... three puzzles together. lets say every puzzle is a belief system which couldn't exactly exist at the same time with another puzzle, for I thought they'd rule one another out or have some kind of bloody showdown first. and then! december 2012, suddenly theres a gigantic puzzle piece (I probably thought it was the table, it was so obvious) which binds the forest puzzle, city puzzle, and ocean puzzle to one canvas. that was an elaborate metaphor for finding out what the science of quantum physics philosophically, spiritually and empirically mean. It means it is all one big ball of EVERYTHING. ha, but look at me, dashing about in my love for energetics and the meaning of life... which is a personal passion of mine, but lets get to the more specific personal happenings... here goes. I started out january with incredibly little to do for school. So little, that I was just doing whatever I wanted; which was to find out as much as I could about this energetics thing. a bit secluded, (I was just opened up to the possibility of the law of attraction. It didnt work that well, but the core was that it opened up possibility.) January feels like aaaaages ago. I was so eager. and then school started to go its normal pace again, and I was very, very distracted. I couldn't work anymore. Where I normally would just panic and work in my panic state to finish my art, I just couldn't anymore. always I was just barely making deadlines, and now I saw the deadlines would never be made. I tried to stay calm, but it erupted in may, as my belly would not digest anything but just squeeze until all the food was rock hard. In the meantime I had met a writer, and he was there when I needed to go to the hospital. When I was there, I just surrendered to all my fear, I gave up, I let go. and immediately I felt bliss. love. so much. bubbly joy. I was in terrible pain but I loved it. I loved the experience I was having and the people around. so then two weeks I felt this pure bliss, and decided I wanted to travel, to do something totally on my own. I met my teachers one by one, and amazingly ALL of them were looking at me with understanding and respect (not pity) and told me that I was making great work, even if it is not as much as was planned. they flat out said they were proud of me. the next month I worked hard to finish whatever I could, and I did so with joy and very little stress. and then... the law of attraction gave me travel money out of apparently nowhere. and I planned my trip to.... Berlin. Oh god, berlin. a friend offhandedly said I should check out this couchsurf website. within two days I got a mail from a stranger, offering me a place to stay. oh how I love to follow coincidence. I had two weeks of absolute freedom, after two days of deep fear (which was to be expected). I strolled arount Berlin, took random metros, met some hippies in a tipi camp, enjoyed the absolute hot weather and the company of my host and his ukrainian friend in the mornings and most evenings. My host is an incredibly smart and artistic gypsy guy. he was and still is a puzzle to me, confusing me first, and then always showing me his... realness. I realized how fake dutch people can be, but the fakeness has its charm too. and I realized how big a part of me was fake, too. especially the rational psychoanalysis that was fed to me from almost day one. it can be helpful only if you dare to respect everything you feel, but thats NOT what we learn in the dutch culture. we learn to reflect so we will dull ourselves until an unnatural calm and carefully planned (alcohol?), moderate bursts of humanity. Ukrainian culture is less rational, less dulled, more in favor of the extreme, said my host.

end of summer, school began again, with a moderate, laid back project month. I made a moderate comic (no really. very dutch... I mean, dull.) and then I started with my internship. oh, and my host came for a surprise visit with a great music artist, to do a little dutch tour. it was amazing and fun, but I did too much I think. too much. stress crept up. My internship was another of those energetics things - which means it was coincidence I acquired the spot in the first place. The universe was very talkative this year :)! so I felt loved, worthy, and filled with courage. and I must say, everything felt like it was tailored to my being. but the creative juices didn't flow yet. it took me a month to come up with a good story for my 10 page comic for the magazine I work for. my energy ran low, seeing the time slip by, feeling the pressure building. and then... schooltrip to Italy!!! where I was reminded of the love surrounding the artform I study. where I saw passion for comics. for the creation of comics and for having a voice, and for flowing with all the opportunities and having fun doing so.

also, I was reminded how rad it would be if i got a person who fits me to be my lover. I had felt fear for relationships for years now, probably my whole life. but at that moment, I felt no fear, just curiosity. Guess what happened? I got a message on facebook from someone very interesting when I got off the plane in Holland. for a date. a week later, the date happened, and two weeks later we kind of shrugged and said "I guess we're official lovers then". My comic started to take shape, and I regained subtle awarenesses of how to be a comic designer, how to be comfortable while creating, and that I am fine where I am. Also, the skills matter, not the drawings. Also, its best if I draw in the style that I use in my personal notebook. All pretty basic, but I never had a safe haven to gently open up to these understandings.

my boyfriend and I are now together for 1,5 month while I'm writing this. it has given me another safe haven, and a place to play and discover and a buddy to meditate with and share my passion with for the mysteries of energetics. my comic is nowhere near finished, and theres a school scripture thing which is still basicly still before startingpoint. it is a stress thing that I have struggled with since I was six, I think. But overall, my year has been INCREDIBLY abundant. and it has not been coincidence. Oh no, dear reader. (if you are still reading this LET ME LOVE YOU) want to know how I did this? read on. If you don't like to be directly confronted with a different worldview accompanied by advice, please scroll on. thank you !!<3 starting out with a spiritual cliche: everything starts within. and I started within by opening up for new possibilities, I was willing to trust in the magic of the universe, to let all these energetics of love and possibility take once again residence inside me. and when I say energetics, I mean frequencies, vibrations. it is the basic fabric of all that exists. I claimed them, almost every day by being open and willing to relax and let things come, trusting. But I had to remind myself every day that I was more than I perceived myself to be. and not believe, but KNOW that the universe is there to help me.

because what you believe in, (conscious and subconscious) or know to be true, is your own decision to make (though it takes a while for your subconscious to catch up on your conscious), and the universe ALWAYS fulfills that. which you think. is true. accept as much of yourself as you can. it will change your reality! send me asks if you'd like to know more! x

I want to thank the universe for this year, and myself for letting it happen the way it did. the negative, painful and hard things too, for they all turned out as something good. And I want to thank Panache Desai for being the tuning fork that he is. It has been a blast!!