#yearofwhoami

I've been on Tumblr a few years on and off. I've started blogs, ended blogs, felt failure for not blogging, ended up only reblogging. The reason being is I've been trying to specialize myself and my blog. When I was done (bored, through learning about) with a topic, I was done with that blog.

I am not, nor have I ever been, a specialist. I've only been faking to conform to society, parental pressures, work pressures, etc. Being a specialist is not for me.

Now I will be true to myself. Don’t get me wrong. I have specialized training in a few areas. Its just not how I thrive. Where others excel in certain areas, my talent is the ability to learning multiple subjects (as much or as little as needed) and I excel in being able to connect multiple areas together. 

You learn something new everyday. Today I learned (started to believe) this.

I’m a Gemini. The sign of the Twins, Castor and Pollux. I’m shy but outgoing. I’m creative and logical.

The winter hides nothing. I live out in the woods and suddenly, I feel exposed. What was a lush, green curtain is now a thin veil. I thought I lived in isolation, but now I can see the lights on in neighbor’s houses a mile away.

People’s trash is surfacing, too. What people have dumped in the hidden depths of the forest are now visible. I dreamt last night that a police car searched the grounds of the woods around my house, looking for something. Now, awake, there is a white truck off in the distance. Hiding in the woods. Almost out of site. No one should be there. What is it doing there? I am saddened and afraid because I can only imagine that they are dumping waste there. I have found piles of tires in the past. I want to go stop them, but I am aware of my size and femininity now and fear is keeping me at the window watching and conjecturing - what things must people dump in a hiding spot in the woods? What is it that they can’t bring to the town dump just a mile up the road? What secrets are you burying here? I see you.

Each time, I get it in a new way. Each time, I remember. I’d be set if I could get each life lesson once and then move on, but some of them I must learn again and again and again. Hence the importance of a daily practice. And of prayer. And of mantras and rosaries and mala beads.

I must remember that my words hold power. I must use them for good. I must be responsible for how they influence others and how they create the world for myself and others. Lately I’m not proud of the way I’ve spoken about two people in particular. 

A friend called today to ask about why I dislike one person in particular. He said that he feels so much negative energy toward this person, and he’s not sure why, but he just knows that I feel strong aversion, and so he feels it too, possibly out of loyalty to me. He wanted to know what’d happened between us and if it warranted him remaining distant from this other person. 

And I only hesitated for a moment before tearing into the grimy details of what happened and why I’m so put off by this person. 

Shit. 

This is not who I want to be, how I want to be, nor how I want to create the world. Shit. Can I take it back?

The temporary-fix lover. The platonic-love lover. The long-term lover. The self-love lover. The build-a-life-together, grow-with-me, make-the-world-a-better-place lover. The fully-engaged lover. The tantric, all-chakras-lit lover.

I work so hard to become who I am that I find no joy in donning a costume to play the role of someone (or something) else.

In elementary school I liked costumes that were an excuse to dress more boyish than I had permission for on most days. In high school I liked Halloween as an excuse to dress sexier than I would otherwise.

Now I mostly give myself full permission to express myself always - to not need a costume or any permission or excuse to dress how I want to dress, act how I want to act, assume personality traits that I want to explore.