made a new post bc the original was long enough as it was but i've been chewing on these tags @ropebunnykant left on it for a while now because they've really been bothering me and i've been tryna figure out why. like i know i talked about kant always being splintered into different versions of himself or existing w an asterisk next to his name but like.... does it run deeper than that? does kant actually know who is outside of his relationships to others? does kant know who he is beyond the superficial stuff? would kant know how to be alone?
i think the answer is no
i don't think kant has a real sense of identity. i don't think he's ever been afforded the opportunity to develop one. it's why he doesn't think he's interesting. it's why, when he does something objectively nice for james, it doesn't even occur to him to mention it. it's why he doesn't really know how to talk about himself. like ok he likes art. ok he's a tattooist. but what else do we know about kant? kant as a person, not in relation to others. what about his personality? what does he like? what does he want to do in the future? who is he when he's alone in bed at night?
what does he want?
the only thing we're actually explicitly told about kant by kant himself that doesn't somehow tie back to someone else is that he loved sports, especially basketball. but the most interesting part of that to me is that those were things he did in high school. over 10 years ago. probably right around the time his parents died. and its like wow..... is that the last time he liked something just for the sake of liking it? was the last time he had hobbies? the man is 29, and yet the only thing he could think to bring up about himself was something he liked and did when he was 18? is that all there is?
ofc we know at some point around that time that his parents died and he had to take over custody of babe. that lead to bills and the car thieving and captain christ and kant probably didn't leave any time for kant himself. completely understandable. but when you're that young your personality is still forming. you're figuring out who you are, what you want, what you like and what you don't. and when you don't have time to experiment and engage with the world in any meaningful way and you're constantly operating from a place of fear and lack and desperation, what then? what are you left with then?
kant does have a personality. he's definitely not a blank slate. he's cheeky and clever, a (relatively) smooth talker. he has a sense of style and he has friends and he has a job he's passionate about and clearly good at. but that's kind of where it ends if you look at him in isolation. he's brave, but bc he's had to be. he's adaptable, but out of necessity. he's lots of things but most of them are born out of the life he's led as opposed to who he is as a person. he's thoughful, and he's romantic. caring, loyal. willing to do anything for the ones he loves - but all of that ultimately that all goes back to others. it goes back to giving, bc that's what kant does. i don't think he knows who he is if he's not pouring his cup into someone else's. i don't think he knows how to love without putting his life on the line for it.
so then who actually is kant? does he even know? among the many versions of himself that he's had to be over the years, does kant even know which parts were real and which ones were fake? which ones were born out of desperation and which ones acted out of necessity? did he bet on football matches bc he liked it or bc he needed a lot of money quickly? did he hang around with those people because he liked them or bc he'd got so used to being around questionable people working under christ's thumb that he doesn't know how to be around 'normal' people? did he have a lot of one night stands bc he liked it and that's all he wanted, or was it bc he didn't really know how to be in a real relationship with someone? did he help james out of the kindness of his heart or because he doesn't know how to be someone's friend without offering them something, even when it's something you can't really afford to offer?
i don't know exactly. i don't know where kant ends and trauma begins. but i do know that there's something fucked up about kant's sense of identity. and i do know that i want to dissect him like a lab frog to figure out exactly what the fuck is going on in there.
