#mona rambles

Something soft and fuzzy and utterly filled with pheromones to lay your head in while I reprogram you.

What do we think?

I know everyone says marrying the bread winner of the family is a struggle but honestly I feel like what’s bothering me more is the way everyone just expects EVERYONE to drop everything for the baby of the family. I’m the baby of my family and I’ve never expected everyone to do half this shit. Also I show up for other people. This girl does not, is self centred and gives attitude and still makes dumb decisions and still thinks she’s top dog or whatever. I worked on having such a healthy relationship with my spouse but his family still digs into my anxiety and overthinking side of my brain that it is exhausting trying not to let it weigh on me and us. This girls wedding got rescheduled bc of issues with her in laws and she was moving to the US so she moved anyways. The way that my in laws have acted like it’s everyone’s #1 priority to just drop everything and go see her is like … yall I’m not wasting my vacation time at my new job on this wtf? I’m also not obligated to esp since she doesn’t have much of a relationship with me (and I’m fine with that bc she’s a gen z brat) but like… leave me out of this hive mind please. Get some friends, stop having babies.

AND ANOTHER THING. Why do people continue to have kids when they’re not sure how to support them? And then announce their financial anxieties to everyone including their children? Like that doesn’t make you a good parent… reasons why I’m scared to have kids part 374

Feeling alone in your family is a different loneliness I hadn’t felt before. I feel like the odd one out as a daughter in law and I feel like my relationship with my own sister is its own disappointment. Every time I try to think otherwise and build something it continues to just grind to a halt bc of some unresolved tension or trauma or something she says that reignites my resentment and I can’t move past it. It very well could be a me thing I don’t like not taking accountability but it’s hurtful nonetheless. Not having the relationship we used to have and not having a close relationship with my own sister makes everyone think I’m incapable of feeling that closeness, and then I’m automatically othered. I’m labelled as something, what I’m not sure, but it’s been brought up a few times. “Because of your issues with your own sister maybe it’s hard for you to see it…” and it’s like no I have good female relationships in my life that mimic sisterhood but it does make me sad to feel like the other “sisters” I’m supposed to have (through marriage, whether on my husbands side or my brothers) also see this as a flaw. Because I wasn’t able to forgive and move past physical threats and verbal abuse throughout the past few years with her and because it was during one of the most important and memorable times of my life, I’m labelled as deficient in the ability to love on a certain level. I guess I’m sorry I didn’t let her beat me “black and blue” on my wedding day to make you feel like I had a relationship with her? Yikes.

So I feel left with the family I choose instead, my friends of many years. And while I love them, I can’t expect them to drop their own issues or lives to show up for me every second obviously. It means having to sit with my uncomfortable feelings longer than I want to because my best friends father in law died and is currently dealing with a grieving family, and my other friend is sick with the flu, and my other friend is planning her wedding for later this year, and my other friend is having difficult conversations with her husband, and my other friend is in her own depression era and she doesn’t even want to do anything to get out of it. It doesn’t make it fair to call them and expect them to make space for my mixed up feelings when they’re probably having a hard time dealing with it on their own.

This is where self soothing comes in, but again that’s something I’ve always found difficult. My therapist is booked out for a month lol and I can’t keep using ChatGPT bc AI is the new demon in everyone’s lives. So what do I do when I’ve been awake for an hour in the middle of the night and have to be up for a funeral at 8am?

Self soothe. I hate it because it rarely works on me. And I know that’s another flaw of my mind, that I need the comfort of another to tell me I’m not crazy for having certain thoughts, raking through every interaction I’ve had with someone isn’t normal and is a trauma response, that the way my brain is making connections where there aren’t any and coming to a conclusion based wholly on my own thoughts isn’t entirely correct, it’s hard to tell yourself “hey you’re wrong about this, you read the whole thing wrong”. I wish I could be as delusional and calm about the things I say to others as other people seem to be. Because what do you mean you don’t analyze everyone’s reaction to what you said for the next 2 weeks? What do you mean it doesn’t consume your thoughts on how you might’ve been misinterpreted and considered rude or whatever just not what you meant it as.

I think I’ve been a pretty good daughter in law… I try to check in with my mother in law regularly, send her messages when I can. Working full time, trying to be an adult and meal prep etc. I call my mom every day to check in. I made massage appointments for my father in law when he asked. I hosted my in laws for the brat’s engagement reception in my condo party room and while her sisters didn’t do shit I helped her get ready, did her makeup, helped my mother in law with food etc, even found her a photographer. I did it for my husband and my mother in law bc they treat me kindly and with love. And I still felt like I was on the outside… it’s the micro interactions for me. I wish I didn’t notice them. I wish I was just delulu. So many times it’s chalked up to “but you’re not close with your sister so you don’t understand”. What hurts is that I was close with her until she started projecting her unhappiness onto me. And then I was made to feel responsible for the things her husband wasn’t measuring up to. So no I don’t think that’s a fair judgment to make, and no I don’t think it makes me not understand what sisters should feel like. I wish so badly I didn’t feel this way.