#yay panic attack

So I show the slightest bit of disinterest and she says "nevermind" and shuts the goddamn door quickly and walks off and UNGH

Cue me turning into a screaming, pissed off bitch because I am fucking tired and hot and shaking and FUCK.

And you know I feel guilty now and want to ball up and cry and feel like a piece of shit because I'm some loser yelling at her lonely mother but FUCK I've fucking told her this bothers me for my. whole. fucking. life.

I'm sorry I'm a lameass and 99.9% of the time I don't give a shit what you're watching but thats how I am and repeating the same shit over and over won't make me fucking change for you, it's just going to piss me off

So I'm not sure if I want to scream into a pillow because I'm angry and shaking and have no outlet for my rage or internalize it and sob into said pillow and treat myself like shit because I'm probably going to stew in my frustration all night and feel like a shitty worthless daughter for years and blame myself for it when she's dead

God I just

Why does nobody pay attention when I make it painfully clear that something bothers me... ;; Going quiet and walking away doesn't diffuse the situation, it causes me to internalize my stupidly loud feelings and go back in my room and scratch at myself in a sobbing mess because I'm a worthless excuse for a person and can't fucking function and push away everyone who fucking matters to me.

I think I'm just gunna be quiet tonight... I'm already about to cry lol.