#y4pp1ng

Id type this up normally but im on my phone rn and this is like 3hrs long. Doesn't need to be in order, can be shuffled! The order theyre in right now is basically the order I thought of them, so I guess the most pertinent ones are at the top, with Ghinzu's "Blow" being number one, quickly followed by a handful of Muses and Nine Inch Nails.

nothing special but all of these are To Note. hickgib successfully got together AND romania mentioned

also aubrey maturin added, putting them under the cut coz they're not terrors. sophia is really hard to grasp for some reason

She's so lost... she's actually so lost. And she hates herself. So much. She's achieved what she's always dreamed of, she's become the woman she wants to be, and shes in a popular band and has friends, good friends who won't leave her, but still she feels so ugly. Still she looks in the mirror and thinks her shoulders too broad, her face too sharp, her hands too big. She feels like she's wearing a costume. Like she's just moved from one role to the next. Like this is all just part of the play, and she still can't come home, can't take off the uniform and leave the show. She thinks herself one big man shaped puzzle piece trying to fit into a woman shaped hole. That it'll never work. She is a gaping wound, and she bleeds, but she doesn't bleed enough

She loves dundy with all her heart. But he only fucks her. And when someone new comes along, she's shocked and then scared to find out he's keeping the new guy. That he's not fucking and dumping like he's done with every other guy he's picked up

She thinks this is it. The truth will come out. He's only needed her because she was familiar. Because they'd fought in the war together and almost died out there. He's never opened up to her with his hopes and dreams, with his fears. He's come to her for attention and for mothering and that's it. Now that he has someone new who he's spending all his time with, he'll leave her for sure, he'll leave her

So it comes as a shock to her when dundy doesn't leave her. When he actually starts carving time out of his day to spend with her. When he actually starts making an effort to connect with her and know her just beyond the fucking.

It's a trick, she thinks, but it isn't. Her mind comes up with a thousand excuses. But Dundy doesn't leave her. So she finally opens up to him, hoping she can trust him with her soul and her heart. She tells him about her insecurities. She spills it out all over the floor. It's terrifying--she's never been friends with dundy like this, they've only ever been superficial, and there's no way in hell he'll understand, but the hurt broken part of her needs him to, she's needs him to see her, so she tells him everything. It spills out ugly, stains the floor, makes a mess of her perfectly carved little image she's made of herself

"Am I just pretending?" she asks. "Is it fake? Am I really a woman? Or am I just hiding from myself again? Am I just trying to be something I'm not out of sheer desperation to hide from myself?"

"You're what you've made yourself into," he says. "There's no secret real you that you have to uncover." He puts his hand on her chest where her heart is. Fingers lingering. "The real you is what you want to be. And I think, Jas, you've done just that. You're who you want to be, aren't you?"

He takes her hands gently, and she looks him in the eyes, and she believes him.

I think there's a world out there where it's possible she's happy. Where after all the pain she goes through, and then the war, and all the hate and insecurity she harbors towards herself gets processed. Where she finds some place to settle, to figure herself out, to really blossom in the safety and security of her friends