1. Offer Gabrielle an alternative life that still involves being with a woman who is attractive and attracted to her, in a time when Gabrielle is struggling with the consequences of S3 and Xena is feeling enough guilt about her vision of her and Gabrielle's shared death that she doesn't fight to keep Gabrielle by her side. Najara explicitly offers Gabrielle a life that fulfills some of her dreams while also love bombing her with lakeside bird walks, and she explicitly affirms Xena's sense of guilt about how a life with her will hurt Gabrielle and lead to her death.

2. Highlight Xena's violence and frame it both as repugnant compared with Najara's approach and in conflict with Gabrielle's desire to resolve disputes peacefully, even though it will turn out that Najara's violence is even more repugnant than Xena's.

Najara is also designed to be spiritually attractive to Gabrielle, as well as in other ways. Gabrielle has a tendency to easily follow those whom she thinks lead peaceful lives, and the show exploits her vulnerability here. She will eventually find Eli, whose message of peace is at least genuine, but Gabrielle is not as skeptical and wary of these emissariesas as she should be by this point, or as Xena is. She's not even as skeptical as she could be after the terrible events leading up to her first kill in 3.04 'The Deliverer'. She and Xena disagree about Xena not trusting Najara initially in 'Crusader', but it's Xena's experience around people who use the ideas of peace to manipulate others that informs her skepticism. Najara is not an Alti...yet. She could be, if she thought the jinn told her it was for their cause.

Najara is also interesting because she combines a few familiar archetypes in the Western canon (while wearing appropriative Eastern costuming). She is clearly a Joan of Arc figure - a woman warrior who hears voices of the jinn, who may or may not be real (I tend to think they're real, given that the show takes place in a world of ancient gods and heroes and because some of her information turns out to be in-canon correct) who give her instructions on how to fight and how to help people. She also takes a very 'Let the jinn/light sort them out' approach to justice which has its parallels in Western models of religious violence. She also dreams of building a hospice where anyone could come to be healed, a dream she shares unprompted with Gabrielle, but it's also the dream of colonizers who want to set themselves up as the beloved savior of their followers.

NAJARA: My men are very grateful for the care you gave them. You both would be very valuable in my hospice. GABRIELLE: Where is your hospice? NAJARA: Up here [pointing to her head] It's only a dream, now. It would be a place where anyone could come to be healed Poor and rich alike. We would care for lepers, those too old to tend for themselves, men and women with diseases of the mind as well as the body. It's sole purpose would be to relieve suffering. There's so much good to be done, and so little time to do it.

That's the other thing about Najara: She does seem to have good intentions, and she seems to genuinely like and want Gabrielle to stay with her. She's even willing to fight for her against what she sees as a real threat to Gabrielle's life and safety from Xena at the end, which is not nothing as a character trait. It's understandable that she wants to be with Gabrielle; a lot of people want Gabrielle to stay with them because Gabrielle is often wonderful and appealing and talented. She is also a hot mess in her own way, which Najara barely gets a taste of when Gabrielle lets Xena tie her up over a plank over a bottomless chasm to trick Najara into rescuing her. Okay, girl, was that the whole plan? But between Najara's good intentions and genuinely liking Gabrielle, our original irritating blonde is in for it this episode.

Because Gabrielle is sometimes a hot mess! I do think she was attracted to the idea of Najara's hospice, and the dream of settling down somewhere to Do Good(TM) has its own appeal, but I don't think she would give up her life with Xena, that easily or at all. She wants that idyllic-seeming life with Xena, as the show explores a season later in 5.16 'Lifeblood'. That said, in some ways, she lets Najara think she's open to a life with her, and while Gabrielle can sometimes let her belief in the good in people blind her, she's not obtuse. I think she enjoys the attention on some level, much like she enjoys how Joxer puts her on a pedestral while never having any intention of being with him, so it makes sense that when Najara and Xena finally do have their first big fight and Xena loses, Gabrielle dangles the idea of a life with her in front of Najara to save Xena's life. She absolutely knows what she's doing.

GABRIELLE: Put the sword down. Najara, you and I, we'll walk out of here together. NAJARA: You're just saying that to protect her. GABRIELLE: Xena's dark side frightens me. I need to move on, but I could never live with someone who killed her. There would be no going back from that.

We get a kind of textual confirmation that Xena's dark side is something Gabrielle has thought about a lot and fears - and with good reason - but its impact on her and its consequences are something she has, time and again, chosen to accept. While I believe Xena's dark side still scares her, it's not enough to make her walk away. She tells Xena she accepted the consequences of their life together "a long time ago" in 3.13 'One Against An Army' and by the end of that season, she chooses to die to save Xena. For all the high stakes, we follow her emotional scene with Xena over their life together at the end of 4.02 'A Family Affair' with the comedy episode of 4.03 'In Sickness and In Hell', in which they are right back to being an old married couple. The takeaway is that Gabrielle has decided to stay with Xena at risk to her own life over and over and over again, consequences and harm to her (including being dragged off a cliff by Xena) be damned.

This isn't to say that Gabrielle's emotions about Xena's dark side follow a linear path and we can cross them off the list as resolved with no asterisk, but Gabrielle only walks away from Xena twice, both long in the past at this point. The first time is in 1.13 'Athens City Academy of the Performing Bards' to be a writer. That was both early in their relationship and a choice that had nothing to do with Xena's dark side and everything to do with Gabrielle wanting to be a bard. The second time is 2.05 'Return of Callisto' when Perdicas returns and she marries him (ahem). That also had nothing to do with Gabrielle leaving Xena for her dark side. Gabrielle will face much worse with Xena after that and none of it leads to her leaving her, unless we count her attempted suicide after Solon's death. That includes 3.05 'Gabrielle's Hope' which ends with Gabrielle staying with Xena even after Xena tries to kill her infant child. She could have left to find Hope, but she doesn't! She stays with Xena, and it's fraught, but she's actually more angry that Xena would leave her right after that and chases her down in Chin. After Hope kills Solon, Gabrielle still stays by Xena's side and tells her she loves her. It's a quality even Najara clocks in 'Crusader' in her conversation when they talk about the possibility of Xena leaving Gabrielle with Najara, when she says "As soon as she realizes you've left her, you know she'll follow you." Gabrielle is the one who won't let go, while Xena does, from time to time, trying to release Gabrielle from being chained to her. Xena's attempts to disappear or get locked up never last long, partly because Gabrielle is the one who won't let her go.

Gabrielle fully knows following the way of love is in direct conflict with her life with Xena, and still, she stays with Xena, which is further explored in 'The Convert'. Even though Gabrielle and Najara are now both followers of Eli, Najara's romantic appeal to Gabrielle is completely gone (while Najara is far from over her). When she has to choose between the way of love and Xena, Gabrielle chooses Xena, and this is a point of frustration for Najara in a way that it is not for Gabrielle. By the time she leaves the way of love in the finale, it doesn't feel like a betrayal of the season but as a fulfillment of what it is exploring. For Gabrielle, the right path is by Xena's side.

Which is, of course, incredibly queer, but also really means that Najara never stood a chance in this love triangle.

I do enjoy how Najara makes her play for Gabrielle in 4.08 'Crusader', though, even before she learns about Xena's vision of their shared death. She swoops in with these visions of peace and saving the world, takes Gabrielle off to a lake to look for swans, and talks about the life they could (it is heavily implied) have together. Meanwhile, Xena has visions of their shared death and watches Gabrielle and Najara on their lake date from her hiding place in the bushes. It's the most obvious scene of queer jealousy since Star Trek: TOS, maybe. It must be a kind of relief to Xena when she gets to finally fight Najara and that she gets to have a Good Reason to do so (rather than just fighting her for Gabrielle).

XENA: Come on, Gabrielle. NAJARA: No! Gabrielle has turned to the light. She's my responsibility now. As you said yourself, you hurt her. That's not going to happen again. GABRIELLE: Najara, don't do this. XENA: Get out of the way, Gabrielle. NAJARA: This is between Xena and me! Stay out of it. The light will triumph, Xena. XENA: Quit preaching and fight.

And Xena actually gets her butt whooped and Gabrielle has to save her by telling Najara they can never be together if she kills Xena (o-kayyyyy). That said, I think Najara is absolutely Gabrielle's type and in another life, she might try to persuade her to stop killing her prisoners in the same way she insisted Xena had changed and that she could fight for the greater good. I think that Xena and Najara differ in important ways, but they have more in common. Xena is at a later point in her development than Najara is, but in another life, one where Xena and Gabrielle never met, maybe Gabrielle would have stayed with Najara and tried to change her. Najara struggles to change, as we see in 'The Convert', but so does Xena, and the show emphasizes again and again that Xena stays on her reformed path because she has Gabrielle by her side helping her use her skills for the greater good, where all previous attempts eventually failed and she reverted to dark!Xena. We glimpse the what-might-have-been between Gabrielle and Najara in their conversation after Najara leaves Xena beaten but alive:

GABRIELLE: You're so close to being this ultimate force for goodness but that little bit makes you so wrong. NAJARA: What should I do with those slave traders, Gabrielle? What would Xena do? GABRIELLE: She would make sure they were out of business. She would turn them over to the local government. NAJARA: But what if the local government supports slavery? Probably not a problem because Xena kills most of them in combat anyway. GABRIELLE: Xena only kills if it's absolutely necessary. NAJARA: And I only kill evil people. Why is she better than me? GABRIELLE:Don't you think those people deserve a fair trial? NAJARA: But some fool may find them innocent. GABRIELLE: But with your way, innocent people could die. NAJARA: You're right, Gabrielle. I'm sure I've made mistakes before, but all I've done is send them to the light. The eternal powers will correct any mistakes I've made.

It's a doozy of a conversation but illustrates that Gabrielle is trying to reason with Najara and get her to change her ways. And in time, she might have! Najara is toxic for sure, but what would you call the start of 'The Bitter Suite' if not toxic? Najara is probably also a little mentally unwell, but...sometimes so is Xena. It would have been interesting to see her referenced once more, perhaps in one of the AUs, to see what the writers thought she would be like under different circumstances. Notably, while Xena has an even stronger mirror in Callisto, Gabrielle treats Callisto as a lost cause from the start and she falls somewhere in between with Najara. She liked what she saw at the start, and again wants to believe she's changed in 'The Convert', but neither Callisto nor Najara really hold a candle to Xena for Gabrielle. And when Xena shows up to rescue her, Gabrielle wants to leave Najara immediately. Her reaction is 100% "Oh, thank goodness, my wife is picking me up from the hostage situation, let's GO." It's Xena who insists on staying and fighting Najara, a fight in which (while acting the part of dark!Xena) she proclaims "If I can't have her [Gabrielle], nobody can have her!" I would look directly at the camera but... the camera is looking back.

Ultimately, I think both women hold a similar attraction for Gabrielle, and Najara and Xena both know it, but Xena and Gabrielle's history and Xena's choices matter more than just another woman who is somewhat like her. And Xena, when she's being evil, knows she's being evil. She revels in it, and the violence for violence's sake, but she's under no illusion that she's creating world order or peace, so she can be reached with arguments about the greater good in that state of mind because she doesn't already think she's in service of any such thing. That perspective gives her a humility in the dispensation of justice as well, which Najara doesn't have as jury, judge, and executioner. This brings us to one of my favorite lines from 'Crusader', when Xena is talking to the villagers and her mirror reflection post-first fight with Najara:

XENA: I got my butt whipped, didn't I? Well, it serves me right for trusting someone who talks about being good all the time. You know what? She's a tough girl but she's got a weakness. It's the same one I've got.

O____O

'Crusader' deftly fits into the catalogue of 'That's not queer subtext; it's text! People need to learn how to read media again!' The episode is so explicitly framed as another woman coming to take Gabrielle away from the dangerous Xena that one wonders if Rob Tapert was hypnotizing the studio execs by singing the theme song at them as a distraction while they read the script.

Jumping ten episodes ahead we get to 4.18 'The Convert,' written by XWP veteran Chris Manheim, who by this point had also written 2.11 'Here She Comes..Miss Amphipolis', 2.13 'The Quest', the studio-mandated-queered-down 2.22 'A Comedy of Eros', 3.02 'Been There, Done That' (as executive story editor), 3.12 'The Bitter Suite', and 4.03 'A Family Affair'. Manheim's track record of writing queer episodes and handling queer relationship dynamics while skirting the studio censors was, to put it mildly, consistently reliable. She had also been writing for the show since S1. Manheim had also worked together with Andrew Merrifield on 'Been There, Done That', who directed 4 XWP episodes before this one.

Interestingly, 'The Convert' feels less overtly queer than 'Crusader', despite the writing/directing duo. This is probably in part because the focus of the episode is around Joxer's first kill, and both Xena and Gabrielle recognize Najara for who she is. Gabrielle at least knows who Najara was at the end of 'Crusader', even while she's arguing with Xena that maybe Najara has changed after her conversion by Eli. That said, when Najara reverts back to her old ways, Gabrielle is not so much surprised as accepting that this is who she really is. Still, the old attraction and what-might-have-been connection cannot be ignored:

GABRIELLE: And what have you been doing? NAJARA: Planting crops, helping harvest, mending clothes. Working towards the day the jinn said would come. The day you and I would meet again. United in a common bond, not even Xena shares. GABRIELLE: The jinn said that? NAJARA: We walk the same path, Gabrielle. Our lives are dedicated to defeating evil, by promoting peace. It's our way. The way Eli taught us. A reverence for life. Stray from that path, whatever the reason, the consequences could be devastating for everyone.

In some ways, watching this episode my reaction is "Again, Gabrielle?!" but it also feels very real and true to who she is. She wants to believe people can change, and that belief is also part of what drove her to Xena's side in the first place. I don't think she buys Najara's claim that they share a common bond in the way Najara means, although their bond of walking the path of peace (for now) is shared in a way that Xena does not follow. By this point, however, Gabrielle and Xena have already been through 4.15 'Between the Lines' and seen how their lives are interwoven across millennia. Whatever Gabrielle and Najara share, it's more similar to what Gabrielle and Eli share, to what Gabrielle and Eve later share, and so forth, rather than some transcendent personal bond. Najara even thinks the jinn mean for her and Gabrielle to be together now, which is pretty much a recipe for (more) toxic behavior down the road, but Gabrielle doesn't bite. Najara's comment about how straying from that path (the way of love) being devastating, however, is accurate. As Gabrielle tells Xena in the finale, she had a choice to do nothing or save Xena, and she chose Xena. And that's what she always chooses, time and again.

With Xena/Gabrielle, I remember when they kissed in Season 2 episode 13 The Quest, with Xena in Autocyls's body, but Xena and Gabrielle knew they were kissing each other - that was it. I was like okay for sure, these two women love each other. I don't remember when I felt for sure they were flirting, beforehand. Or when each fell in love. Or when they gave up trying to be in relationships with other people. But those things did also happen in the show, from my interpretation. So I'd love to rewatch and pin down when I felt those moments happened. I know Xena and Gabrielle get together in their reincarnated lives in the modern era cause that's in an episode. But so much I did not pin down, what I decided and felt based on their relationship changing through the episodes.

When Gabrielle was getting married, and Xena kissed her, what was going through Xena's mind? When did Gabrielle unconsciously crush on Xena (I'd argue immediately), when did Gabrielle realize consciously she had a crush? And among other things, when did both of them decide that the other was even more important than - or at least an equal priority to weigh against - their other values? With Xena we see that earlier on, when she refuses to accept Gabrielle can die. When she fights death itself to get back to her. And we see Gabrielle kill, eventually, in later seasons, to save Xena. And we of course she one become a demon to get to the other, in the whole Angels arc. We see them come back to each other over and over, in different reincarnations, and realities. They love each other SO much.

And with Kirk/Spock, I know by The Motion Picture clearly something fall-out wise has happened between them - they are SO closed off, tense, unsure of each other, compared to where we left them in The Original Series. So they maybe fell in love during TOS, something went down either in TOS, or in between that and TMP. And by the end of The Motion Picture, they vulcan kiss, and Spock says "This simple feeling" and (to me) it is about them loving each other. Platonically, romantically, whatever the fuck the broader audience wants to interpret it as, this simple feeling is their love for each other. And to me, I interpret it as romantic love.

After TMP, we get The Wrath of Khan to further hammer home THEY LOVE EACH OTHER and I totally understand "what will they find when I am ripped apart? I love you captain, written on my heart." I totally understand City on the Edge of Forever's Edith line to Spock of "at his side, as if you've always been there and always will." I mean that movie is about Spock loving the MANY, to save everyone. But also - a lot of that movie does hammer home the love Kirk and Spock share for each other, and the amazing team they make when solving problems. Then we get to Search for Spock, which hammers home, nonstop, how much Kirk LOVES Spock. How Spock's very soul, even dead, just the thought of his situation in death, is so Important to Kirk that he is willing to sacrifice EVERYTHING ELSE he values for it. Everything. His ship, his career, his son (unfortunately on this one). Spock IS the most important thing to Kirk... making him no longer an ideal captain, in that I think in a true emergency both Kirk and Spock as leaders would WISH to choose to die over saving the other - and show that choice repeatedly in TOS, along with the conflict of 'the other might die, BUT it's a risk we both always take and I can't both help AND save the other.' Well in SFS, Kirk picks Spock.

And The Voyage Home is our lovely reward, our knowledge Kirk will love Spock the rest of his life, and Spock even without most of his memories will bond with Kirk again and find a happy place at his side, working together. And then The Final Frontier, Kirk and Spock almost kiss (in my interpretation) but "Not in front of the Klingons."

So to me, Kirk and Spock figured out for sure, they loved each other deeply, by the end of The Motion Picture. And from there on, are together. But their relationship in The Original Series? Oh it is deliciously ambiguous. When did they fall, who fell first, when did the feelings grow romantic, how did each of them feel about it? We know Spock felt a long term on-off conflict of his strong emotions for the Captain, versus wanting to not feel controlled by his emotions - possibly what eventually led to his kohlinar ritual at the start of TMP. We know Kirk, at least initially, felt torn between romantic love with ANYONE versus his duty as Captain of the Enterprise/career plan/his love for the whole crew as a unit (why he keeps going on away missions himself - if he's in danger, less of his crew has to be in those situations without him).

The Wrath of Khan breaks Kirk, because it makes him pick the Enterprise (which in theory he always would), but Spock makes the choice before Kirk can... and Spock dies. And Kirk was prepared to die for his crew, but in TWOK Kirk has to face losing Spock for the crew. Which had always been a possibility in TOS, but he'd never had to actually go through it. TWOK makes Kirk go through it. And it breaks him. It's agony, it's tragic, Kirk never actually prepared the sentinel at his side, his love, to one day be gone permanently. Perhaps in TOS he could have handled the loss, justified it the way Spock in TWOK no doubt did (died to protect the many, as is his duty). But in a relationship post whatever fall out they had between TOS and TMP, and their reconciliation and admission of loving each other with 'this simple feeling' at the end of TMP? Kirk let himself openly, fully embrace loving someone. The thing he never fully was ready to do in TOS (always put the Enterprise and mission first). And got confident he could win any situation, no matter how unwinnable. And well as we know, TWOK was him having to confront a truly unwinnable situation he couldn't get through unscathed. He lost his most important thing in TWOK, even if Kirk didn't realize Spock WAS truly even more important than the mission, the Enterprise, the many, until Spock was dying. Not that it would have mattered - there was NO way to get the majority of people out of TWOK alive, if someone didn't die. It would always be Kirk or Spock, Spock just realized sooner what to do, and didn't want Kirk to be the one to do it.

(also, for all I hate Into Darkness, AOS Kirk knowing how the original TWOK situation plays out, and choosing to go do it himself so Spock doesn't do it? An immaculate decision. Original Kirk WOULD have done it first, if he'd thought to, if he'd realized Spock would die doing it. But we already know, original or AOS Kirk would put himself in danger to protect crew members from it. He'd die before letting them die, if he has the chance to save them. So he'd have done it for anyone, probably. Original Spock simply knew Kirk so well, simply thinks so in line with him by TWOK, that Spock got there first. And AOS Kirk knows Spock well enough, just like Original Spock, to know Spock will stubbornly act before orders are given and Regardless of orders to do what HE thinks is best - including defy his captain, if necessary. So Spock, even if Kirk said he'd go do it, might try to knock out Kirk to save him, and go do the dangerous thing himself.)

We know this, because TOS Spock has often done drastic measures, acted quickly before orders or against orders, to help Kirk. Even in early episodes! And even with Christopher Pike. Spock is simply not fully cooperative to the chain of command. He's always been a "I'm doing it my way because I'm right" kind of person, and unless caught and convinced, will try to do whatever it is he plans to do. TOS had many episodes with Spock acting that way, and Kirk or McCoy having to talk him down or drag him into cooperating with an Adjusted Plan they make Together. Like Devil in the Dark, Spock disregards orders to use lethal force at first because he wants to study the organism and feels personally that it may not be dangerous if more is learned about it. Then when Kirk's in danger, Spock immediately rushes to use force, Kirk has to be the calmer one and consider non-violent ways to handle the creature.

Kirk knows Spock WELL in AOS, knows his personality and what he's likely to do (or what orders he's likely to ignore). I did like that Kirk acts before Spock can, in Into Darkness. I hate a lot about that movie. But that part is so interesting to me, especially in contrast to TWOK Spock and Kirk's actions. AOS Kirk gets to avoid the horrible agony of loss Original Kirk feels, and save everyone. And in AOS, they both luckily survive. However, that does unfortunately mean AOS Spock at no point is forced to confront his love for Kirk the way Original Spock has to in TMP, or that Original Kirk had to in SFS.

But anyway, turning the attention back to The Original Series. I'd love to go through the show again, with all I know now, having seen what I saw later. Knowing I personally saw them as both aware they were in love at the end of TMP, and in a relationship afterwards. And go back to the start, to TOS episodes, and decide for myself when I think what happened. When they went from colleagues to friends, to best friends, and when did the crushes start? The flirting? From which one first? The self-awareness each felt of noticing themselves falling in love? When and why each of them decided NOT to pursue anything fully in TOS.

Because City on the Edge of Forever? Pivotal development of their relationship. I personally saw Kirk as yes, loving Edith Keeler. Who wouldn't. She is a great woman. Edith is also a preview of TWOK movie and Spock dying to save the many. Kirk loves Edith so much, he considers saving her and therefore ruining the wellbeing of the many - the entire future. His mission requires she die, but he loves her so much he feels conflicted and like he might not be able to let her die. This is the same stuff he goes through in TWOK, when Spock is dying, except Spock never gives Kirk the chance to contemplate IF Spock will die - just makes the decision for him.

And I imagine, whenever in TOS Kirk realized he did love Spock, really LOVE him as much as he loved Edith, Kirk had to reckon with the realization he may want Spock to live MORE than doing his job right. And that was surely a scary thought for Kirk, who always avoids dating women due to his priority being the Enterprise, crew, and mission. He may have justified his fears as "well, Spock also chose this mission, I am willing to die for the mission, so is he, I simply must put him in danger and accept the risk, like I must with all of my crew. He has never failed me, he is unlikely to die. Just like I can win any situation, even the 'unwinnable,' I have faith Spock will survive anything too, just like me." Until, of course, the day in TWOK, when Spock does not survive.

In City on the Edge of Forever, Kirk for the first time in a BIG way, lets himself love fully. Love someone so much, they become at least an Equal priority to him as his mission. And that is probably when, for Kirk, the possibility of truly pursuing Spock romantically becomes an option. Before that episode, Kirk was not allowing himself ANY romantic love. Because he knew he couldn't give anyone the love he wanted to, a love he felt they deserved, a love Equal to his priority of his mission. After that episode, Kirk has allowed himself to love someone THAT much, on the threshold of AS much as his mission. So after that point, is when he may risk doing it again. And we know by TMP, Kirk loved Spock... before TMP starts. Because Kirk acts like the time without Spock, the gap in their relationship, is an affront and a horrible thing SPOCK DID to them. Spock tore himself away from Kirk pre-TMP, and in TMP Kirk does not know why. Kirk is just HURT he didn't have Spock in his life for some years. The time between TOS and TMP. So for Kirk, I would guess he realized he loved Spock fully, and wanted to be romantically involved, DURING the original series. At some point. Or during some vague period where the show doesn't cover, but Kirk and Spock still worked together, until Spock left.

In City on the Edge of Forever, I think Spock has realized he cares DEEPLY about Kirk. Even if he doesn't know it's romantic love yet, I am certain he knows he loves Kirk deeply. That he cares about him intensely, wants to be with him forever, and that his emotions dominate far more than logic when it comes to his desire to be with Kirk. Because Edith Keeler READS Spock immediately. And Spock is hyper aware she's right. Spock, hearing Edith's words, has someone out loud acknowledge something terrifying, and he can't ignore it once it's clearly something he's been made aware of - he is emotionally caring about someone, enough to revolve around them and plan his life based on if he can be with them. Which is highly emotional! It's probably terrifying for Spock to confront this! His priority, like Kirk's, is still ultimately the mission. But Spock in City on the Edge of Forever, has to face that IF he got a wonderful career opportunity to serve APART from Jim Kirk... Spock might be conflicted, instead of simply logically picking the career opportunity. It would be scary, for him to realize his emotional value of Kirk may outweigh his ability to make decisions in his life prioritizing what is most logical.

And we know, eventually, where that internal conflict leads - to Spock pursuing kohlinar in the start of TMP. And where it ends - to Spock mind melding with Vger, and realizing the love he and Kirk share is something incredibly valuable. Incredibly wonderful. Something Vger, with all it's logic, can never understand. "This simple feeling." And that is when Spock truly gets why his dad married his mom, because they loved each other. When he understands the value in his own emotions, and what he values About them. When he realizes yes, he does want to spend his life with Kirk. It is 'logical' for him to be with someone he loves. To feel fulfilled, at Kirk's side, to not torture himself rejecting this connection and running from it.