X-Scape / X-RETURNS / 3D Space Tank (Nintendo DSi)

Developed/Published by: Q-Games, Nintendo SPD Production Group No. 3 / Nintendo Released: May 31st, 2010 Completed: 16th May, 2015 Completion: Finished the main story mode, but didn’t go back and 100% every planet or anything. Trophies / Achievements: n/a

When I was a wean, I wanted Faceball 2000 so bad after reading about it in Total! Magazine. But I never saw a copy of it in the wild! However, I have no recollection of X (X-Scape’s Game Boy, Japan-only predecessor) ever being mentioned even in the import pages. In retrospect, I’m not sure I would have hungered for it in the same way, but it’s really, really odd it never made it out of Japan. However, the latter-day sequel did, and I decided to just play that because the original is hella clunky what with being on the original Game Boy and all that.

Turns out, X-Scape is also hella clunky? Actually, wait, first I’ll praise it. It looks great. I love how evocative the simple polygons are of genuinely alien places (although I don’t always agree with the palette choices.) Starglider is mentioned as an obvious touchstone, but with the tanky movement and exploration, it puts me most in mind of the lonely worlds developed in the Freescape engine such as Driller, and it made me wish the game was a lot deeper.

Because the game is, mostly, a Battlezone-a-like with some flying (not that different) and little on-rails “tunnel” sections where you just try and avoid stuff and get to the end before the time runs out (which felt should have been way more thrilling and compelling than they were.)

There are a few problems. First, the controls are gash. Using the stylus is a non-starter (Too slow, awkward) and using the d-pad is imprecise but as good as you’ll manage. Then, lots of the planets have “effects” that are often infuriating. One planet might have solar flares that scramble your controls so you move backwards when trying to move forward (and so on) the other interference that causes your scanner to stop working for a while.

This kind of thing is insane. We’ve been making games for years and years and years, and it’s astonishing to me that anyone ever things that “reversing controls” is a “fun” or “challenging” thing to happen. Now, don’t get me wrong. Not all games have to be “fun,” I’m not one of those “fun”damentalists (did you see what I did there) but X-Scape is obviously meant to be fun. Control reversals or removing functionality as “challenge” is just incredibly frustrating and shite. Everyone: never ever do this.

Anyway, you fly between planets, do short wee missions (kill X things, do this turret section) and progress through the story, which is slight.

It’s such a nice engine, though, I wish they had, Freescape-style, been able to use it for some more things.

Will I ever play it again? I could finish the missions but the thought of my controls being reversed again put me right off it. No.