#wwimf

We’ve been dating for a year now and trust me when I say i’ve never ever felt so privileged and grateful for anything else in my entire life. He’s just a wonderfully soft, humble and kind human being, too pure for this world sometimes alone. He’s incredibly loyal and committed; protective and family-oriented, fun, humourous and sociable around people he’s comfortable with. He’s empathetic and understanding, supportive and encouraging. Not a day goes by where he doesn’t make me feel loved and important.

We started off as friends, as most people do. Eventually we just got closer and closer until one night we were sat in his room playing playstation and a little flirting here and there inevitably led to his confession of more-than-just platonic feelings for me. I admitted my feelings too, and that whole night I sobbed in his arms, but not for the reason you’d expect. Matt asked me to be his girlfriend, but I said no and we actually didn’t actually get together until a week or so after that. Why?Because as much as I loved him back, I was terrified to be with him. I was terrified of hurting him. Not because I had any doubts about my feelings or loyalty towards him or anything along the lines of that. But because it was going to be his first proper relationship as an adult, and I was scared of my mental health and my past relationships being too much for him. I was scared of adding to his own struggles, I was scared of ruining his perception of love and above all, hurting the most important person to ever exist in my life; the person I cared about most.

But of course Matt being Matt, this made him ever so determined. He convinced me to give us a chance. His exact words were “try, please, just try”. And so I did. I gave in to his puppy dog eyes and his gentle little soul willing to take on me and everything that came with being in a relationship with me. He wanted to be the first one to ever love me properly. And although I was scared, he wasn’t. And to him, that was all that mattered.

But the issue was that Matt’s also sensitive and shy and emotional, and at times a little stubborn, opinionated and argumentative. His anxiety eats him up like a thief in the night and his mental health causes him to become irritable and distant at times. Which is why despite his protests and constant reminders to speak up to him, I try to keep quiet when I’m struggling myself. Because him being in a good place and having a somewhat quiet mind was all that mattered to me, and I didn’t ever want to ruin that.

So here I sit, at 3am in my car all alone, whilst he sleeps soundly without even an inkling, the way I didn’t want it to be, but needed it to be. As I lift my head up and wipe away my tears that I have been choking on, my phone thrown across the passenger seat illuminates in the darkness. I stare at it momentarily, petrified to even touch it. ‘He’s awake. He knows’ is all I can think to myself. My heart races and my head scrambles as I try to pluck up the courage to reach across the centre console and retrieve the device. I take one last deep breath, before finally stretching over and getting it. I gulp as I look at the screen through blurry, puffy eyes.

A bittersweet mixture of relief and terror washes over me, as Chris’ name reads across the screen. I sigh, unlocking it and swiping across from the camera to conversations list on Snapchat, curiosity getting the better of me. A pit in my stomach forms as I realise it’s not just a photo snap, but a blue chat. I half swipe, slumping into the seat as though to shield myself for what I’m about to read. Chris’ message is my Snapchat location sent back to me, with another reading ‘bro what’s going on? why the fuck are you at the McDonald’s carpark at this time? Explain kid. Now.’ I was only now realising that I had forgot to turn it off.

My body starts to tremble and my hands begin to shake as I continue to cry. His message is met with a sequence of continuous loud screams, sobs and repeated ‘fuck’s’. I debate on what to do, but realising Matt was probably now already awake and aware of my current whereabouts thanks to Chris, I eventually decide on calling Chris. The call rings out the first time, so I try again. I bite my lip anxiously awaiting Chris to answer and shout at me, half out of worry for my wellbeing, the other out of worry that I could potentially be out cheating on his brother. Finally, he picks up.

“hello?” I clear my throat with a cough, and mumble hesitantly into phone.

“Kid, what the fucks going on?” he groggily croaks back, his tone a lot softer than I had expected.

“i’m on my own. I promise.” I respond immediately. “I just..”

“okayy..” Chris replies, drawing out the ‘y’s’. “Just what?”

I don’t respond straight away, trying to compose myself as best I can. The only sound through the silence to be my further bawling only concerns Chris more, and it prompts him to speak up again, this time more alert and worried.

“Dude just what? What’s going on? Talk to me.” he questions further.

“I can’t.” I whine, through sniffles.

“Kid swear down you’re freaking me out here. Please just.. just fucking try okay? Are you safe?” he utters, his voice breaking a little in the process. A small and frail ‘yea’ is all I manage to get out. “Okay, okay. Thank fuck. So what is it then? Did you cheat?” he enquires.

“No no, Chris, no. Fuck.” I announce, the pain in my chest at the thought of Chris thinking the unthinkable only increasing and hurting me more.

“alright.” he sighs out of relief, but his voice is still a hint doubtful. “kid, please just tell me what’s going on. I just wanna know you’re okay.”

“…I’m just sad and I don’t.. I don’t even fucking know Chris I just.. I don’t know how to feel..” I admit, the words barely even audible through my tears.

“shhh. shhh okay? calm down. I’m waking Matt up now, he’ll come get you okay?” his voice responds panicked.

“No. No Chris you can’t. Please don’t. Please I’m begging you just.. just don’t.” I cry even louder, shaking my head and throwing it back against the headrest.

“what? why? Y/N you’re not okay, he needs to come get you. It’s not safe for you to be on your own out there, especially in such a vulnerable state.” He adds in confusion and distress, shuffling around his room.

“Chris please. He’s doing so good at the moment with everything he just… he doesn’t need this. Please. Promise me you won’t tell him?” I plead with him, praying he doesn’t wake Matt.

“Kid what? Y/N you’re his fucking girlfriend. What do you mean he doesn’t need this? Yeah he’s in a good place right now, we all are. But that doesn’t mean you can’t talk to us especially Matt if you’re not? Fuck dude, do you know how much that kid loves and cares about you? The last thing any of us want is you suffering alone. And do you know how much both him and Nick would kill me if I don’t go wake him up right now and tell him and they found out? I’m not about to just hang up this call knowing my brother’s girlfriend, my fucking friend is a mess out alone in a carpark at 3am. What you expect me to just.. go back asleep? That’s just.. not happening bruh. I’m sorry. No fucking chance kid.” Chris announces, his voice stern yet gentle. I sigh, resting my head against the window, the condensation from the rain and the steam from my crying practically baptising my head.

“…okay, okay.” I respond in a whisper, accepting what was already the inevitable.

“alright just.. stay there. Please. I’m gonna hang up but as soon as he wakes up he’ll probably call you before he gets in the car and starts driving to you. Just.. please, promise me you’ll stay there.” he croaks himself, on the verge of tears.

“I promise.” I say, closing my eyes in defeat.

“alright in a bit, love ya kid.” he answers, before hanging up and leaving me with nothing but the patters of rain splashing against the bonnet of my car and soft radio playing in the background.

・❥・

A few minutes go by, and as I rest my head against the steering wheel in front of me, I feel my phone vibrate and my gaze meets my lap. Matt’s name reads on the screen, and I let a few more loose tears stream down my face before picking up. I stay silent and wait for him to talk, preparing myself for the storm much fiercer than the ongoing one outside to commence. He sighs before speaking up, much calmer than anticipated.

“I’m just letting you know it’s me. I’m here.” he reports, as a set of headlights appear in my rearview, coming towards my car.

“Okay.” I mouth, before the call hangs up and within a few seconds he’s pulled up beside me. I place phone back into the centre console and pull the hood of my hoodie up over my head. A familiar face is stood at the window of my car now, reaching his hand out to open my drivers door. When it does, my own little sad and vulnerable face is met with an ever sadder and sympathetic one, shaking his head.

“Come here.” He sighs, reaching his arms out for me to stand up from my seated position in the vehicle and return his warm embrace outside in the cold Autumn’s air and rain. I do so, and as soon as I’m in his hold, he wraps his arms around me and the both of us automatically sob; me into his chest, him into my hair, the rain almost like a metaphor for us in this moment. “why didn’t you just tell me?”

I close my eyes and try to reply, though my throat is sore and scratchy.

“because..it’s not what you’re made for Matt.” I answer, causing him to pull away from our hug and stare down at me in confusion, his hands still holding onto my arms either side.

“what?” he cries, furrowing his eyebrows as his eyes scan my face for any form of an explanation before I give him one verbally. I shake my head, just pouting at him sadly. “look Y/N, just grab what you need out of your car for tonight and lock it. you can explain before we go home. Please, let’s just get out of this rain. You’re freezing kid.” he says, letting go of me and making his way toward the back of his own car and around to the other side. I do as he says, and when I’m finished, he reaches across to open the door for me from the drivers seat. I sit inside and close the door beside me, as he watches me, an elbow rested on the side arm rest of the door, words waiting to part his lips again. “So.. I don’t- I don’t understand. What do you mean by that?”

“Matt, it’s literally like the song says. ‘I’m sad again, don’t tell my boyfriend, it’s not what he’s made for.’ You already have anxiety and.. and your own things going on I just.. I didn’t want you seeing me like this because.. I don’t want to make my problems your problems too. I’m sorry I just.. you deserve someone who..” I cry back.

“Who what?” he asks, turning his head in despair, my voice breaking shattering his heart like I knew it would and desperately tried to avoid. I remain silent, unable to get the words out. “WHO WHAT??” he raises his voice, but immediately regrets it.

“Who isn’t ME!” I shout back, but inevitably I break down even further. “Who isn’t fucked up with all these issues. Who, can be your rock when you need them to be. Who helps ease your anxiety not add to it. Who isn’t a fucking mess all the time. I can’t be what you need me to be.”

“Are you fucking kidding me right now? You’re kidding me right? There’s no way the words actually just came out of your mouth. Kid first of all, we all have fucking issues. Holy fuck, it’s a part of life. We all got em’. Second, I don’t want someone who has no issues in fact I actually think I’d hate it if I was to be with someone who didn’t have any because you know I always said that if I was going to get into a relationship, it would have to be with someone who either just A doesn’t have anxiety but understands my anxiety or B has anxiety themselves and understands it. Do you know how fucking lucky I count myself that I have you? You get me. You understand me. That’s what’s important to me. That’s the whole fucking reason I fell in love with you. And don’t start with the ‘what I deserve’ and ‘oh perfect this perfect that’. You wanna know what my idea of perfect is? You. All of you. That’s it. End of fucking story.” he announces, his tone firm and unrelenting, yet full of emotion. The tears continue to fall from both of our faces. “Babe, did you really think I got into relationship with you knowing about your past and the fact you’re still healing from all that shit expecting you not to talk to me when you need to oh what.. just because I have anxiety?” he softens his voice.

I gulp, unsure of what to respond with. Instead I opt for a little shrug of my shoulders. He shakes his head once more, pulling me into a hug and resting his head against my own. “I’m sorry.” I mumble against his chest.

“you have nothing to be sorry for. I’m sorry. I’m sorry you ever felt that way. I’m sorry you were out here in a fucking carpark at this time by yourself when you should have been in bed beside me talking to me and sound asleep at this stage.”

I sigh, exhausted by my own emotions.

“It’s not your fault Matt. It’s me I just.. I thought I was protecting you. You’re doing so well lately and I.. I didn’t want to fuck that up. I care about you more than I care about myself you know that and I-” I continue, but he cuts me off, his hand rubbing small circles on my back.

“Shh, shh, I know darlin, I know.” He exhales, pressing his lips to my forehead as he continues to comfort me. We sit there in silence, eyes closed as the melody of ‘What Was I Made For’ still circles in my brain, the rain continues to bounce against the car outside. “Promise me, from here on out, you’ll talk to me, no matter how I’m doing.” he whispers, lifting my chin up to meet his gaze. I nod, and he does the same back, before kissing me ever so softly on the lips.

“I love you, so fucking much Y/N.” He states, resting his forehead against mine.